Merry Christmas!

It's Christmas.  There is snow on the ground outside, I am sitting on my couch next to my wonderful Mr. Darcy, with our puppy close by.  We spent the holiday in our new house, celebrating the birth of Christ with just ourselves and Chihiro.  It has been such a peaceful, relaxing time.  Yesterday, I sang for three Christmas Eve services at church and then headed home with Mr. Darcy to make some dinner and prepare for the festivities today.  We stopped at the grocery store on our way home.  We don't have much money this year and this month has been particularly tight.  Still, we were able to buy a few things, enough for a simple Christmas Eve dinner and a modest Christmas feast.  We managed to finish filling our cart and get to the cash register before the store closed for the night.  We collected our bags and headed out into the cold holiday night.  Mr. Darcy put me in the car and then hurriedly loaded the bags in the car.  A fresh snow was falling, and as we drove home in the snow, our car full of holiday cheer, we both smiled at each other and took a moment to be thankful for all the many blessings we have - our life together, our health, our house, our puppy, family who loves us, good jobs, and the chance to live life freely.

Today we spent time talking with family, exchanging gifts, taking a walk, playing with our puppy, and just enjoying each other's company.  This evening we had fun preparing and sitting down to a simple, but wonderful holiday meal.  Again, we were overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude and awe over the many blessings we have experienced, not only in this past year, but in our lives.  It is true that we have endured much and there is much in my life that is dark and sorrowful.  But...there are also so many blessings, so many miracles, so much healing and happiness.

As I rode home last night, a Scripture came to my mind - "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." - Psalm 27:13.  Many times I have pondered what that Scripture meant.  Last night, it made sense to me.  So many times, we wonder if what we believe is really true, we wonder if there is good in the world, we wonder if there will ever be anything but pain and sorrow, and then we wonder if the good we see is not truly good but only a figment of our imaginations.  There are so many promises that God has given us to give us hope that the evil and pain and hurt we see in this world are not all there is; there is peace and joy and good.  Yet, God does not only give us promises to help and sustain us; He gives us real, tangible examples of His goodness.  This is what David was talking about.  He would have despaired and lost hope if he did not believe that he would see the goodness of God exemplified in those of us living.  And what better example of the goodness of God than the arrival of His son in human form; sent so that He may one day give His life for us, to redeem us from this fallen, broken world.  The goodness of God became flesh and dwelt among us, and we still behold His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.  That glory shines in our lives and brings us hope, brings us joy and peace, and showers us with blessings.  Therefore, my heart does not despair.  I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, and I suspect this won't be the last time I do.  I have something to be thankful for and it makes my heart happy.  My wish for you this holiday season is that you too may see the goodness of the Lord in your lives and that it may fill your heart with gladness and gratitude.

Merry Christmas!

December

Oh, goodness, it's happened again.  I've had so many things I wanted to write about that I let myself get overwhelmed and then didn't write anything. :( 

Well, it's been a couple months since I posted on here, so I guess I better catch up.  There's been a lot going on, from elections to Thanksgiving, to getting ready for Christmas.  It's been a wonderful few weeks and I am so excited about life these days.  My job is absolutely a dream come true for me.  I am learning a lot and my boss is allowing me to try new things and improve my skills.  My Thanksgiving was absolutely fantastic!  It was the first time I felt like I was with family in a long time.  There was great food, good friends, lots of pies, and much laughter.  Plus, I got to make a few additions and changes to the hosue that will benefit us long term.  As one friend put it, I now have an adult house.

Now, the Christmas season is officially here and I am busy celebrating.  We started putting up Christmas lights over the weekend and I went out and got new Christmas decorations.  Mr. Darcy and I bought our first Christmas tree as a married couple.  It was fun too set it up in our first house together.  I know, I know, it all sounds so ridiculously sentimental of me, but I LOVE IT!  Tonight we get to decorate the tree and tomorrow it's Christmas Cookie Extravaganza with one of my best friends.  I've been playing Christmas music for the past week now and I am looking forward to hearing so much more before the holiday begins.
There's lots more to write, but I will have to do it later.  I think maybe I should post some pictures soon too.  Here's to a lovely Christmas season with all sorts of fun, including blogging!

A Struggle

I'm angry.  I'm angry and I'm hurt and I don't know how to get over it.  I wish this big lump in my chest would just go away, but it won't.  I've tried to understand it and tried to move on from it, but the wound still aches and the anger still flashes hot within me.  How do I forgive someone who spent their life trying to destroy me and my family?  How do I live without caring what they do and not allowing it to affect me?  How am I supposed to be happy for them when things in their life go well?  They refuse to acknowledge the truth about things.  They refuse to admit they did anything wrong and then they lie and try to paint themselves as a victim.  How do they do that??  How do they sleep at night and live with themselves each day?  How do they pretend that they are a righteous Godly person and even go so far as to declare themselves the standard bearer for Christian values?  How do they wreak so much damage and pain and then look around them with an uninterested gaze and act as though nothing has happened?  HOW???

I know that I am instructed to forgive people who have hurt me and I honestly want to, but it feels like I have hit a brick wall here.  My mind is screaming out for justice, not forgiveness.  I feel as though slapping the label forgiveness on this is not really being honest about things.  Yes, I can forgive this person, but how does that translate into pretending that everything is OK and nothing needs to be addressed?  That's what it feels like is happening.  I'm just supposed to say I forgive this person and then be happy for them no matter how much they lie and twist the truth, no matter how much they refuse to admit what they've done.  That seems to be impossible to me.  Yet, I know that if I don't learn to forgive them, I will be the one hurt by it.  This person couldn't care less about me and how they have hurt me, and they probably don't care if I forgive them.  I'm fairly certain they probably don't even think about me.  So, that leaves just me to be affected by my unforgiveness.  I'm the one who is blind with rage, I'm the one who's heart aches, I'm the one crying into my pillow at night.  I want to forgive this person; I need to forgive this person.  I guess I also need to know that justice will be served.  But, I cannot serve justice.  There is nothing I can do to ensure this person pays for the crimes they have committed. The only thing I have any control over is whether or not I will choose to forgive this person.  That's it.  That is the only power I hold.

Progress

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive." -- C.S. Lewis

I love this quote by Lewis.  It sums up a major theme in my life over the past 5 years.  It is an ironic quote, in many ways, but the truth of it cannot be denied.  I was talking with a friend of mine a few weeks ago about exactly this idea of identifying a wrong road you are on and then having the courage to turn around and go back to the right road.  In my experience, most people want to argue that although they are on the wrong road, they have traveled too far on that road to do an absolute about-face and get on the right road.  Their arguments consist of things like, "I've been doing this for too long to just stop suddenly," or "There is some good in all this and I am choosing to hang on to that," or "I am refuse to stop and give up everything I've been fighting for for all this time."  My response to these arguments is - Is time a measure of the righteousness or legitimacy of thoughts and actions?  Is the small amount of good comparable to the mountain of evil, pain, and hurt your poor choices have resulted in?  Is what you have been fighting for worth your holding onto?  The way I see it, you are still on the wrong road, and that will not change until you stop, turn around, and go back to the right road.  While this may seem like a regression, it is in actuality, as Lewis stated, a progression.  It is progression into what is right, into what is healthy, into what God has intended and planned for you.

It seems like such a simple concept when viewed in this way, but the reality is that living it out is anything but simple.  It requires us to give up our pride and sense of accomplishment that is associated with our "progress" on the wrong road.  It requires us to be broken and humble and admit that we have been wrong.  The longer we have been on this wrong road, the harder it is for us to do this.  Yet, the thought of true progress should spur us on to make that about-face, and make it as quickly as possible.  The thought of reconciliation with our Saviour should comfort us in the difficulty of that change process.  The thought and realization of all that God has for us on the right road should be more than enough to inspire us to make the temporary hard decision of going back and getting on the right road in exchange for the lasting reward of the progress we will make on the right road.  The decision is ours, now and always.  Will you trade a false sense of progress on a wrong road for the hard truth of progress on the right road?  I am sure this is a question we will all ask ourselves many times in our lives.  I pray that my answer will always be to turn back and find the right road, no matter what the cost.