Memories

It's funny how memories can affect you. I often wonder what the brain is doing when you remember. How does it know which areas of the brain to trip to cause the emotions you feel and the reactions you have? For me, memories have a very deep impact on me. I can't get away from the flood of emotions that wash over me when I am remembering something. It's funny too because I have an excellent memory. I wonder if that has anything to do with why my memories have such a strong impact on me. I received some news this morning that shouldn't have been too terrible, but it really impacted me. As I was going over the information and what it meant, I found myself wondering why I was having such a strong reaction to the news. Then I realized it was the memories associated with this news that were affecting me so strongly. I was immediately transported from my room to a time not long ago when there was so much pain and grief. A time when I was not able to deal with that grief in a very good manner. The news caused me to remember and the remembrance brought to mind the pain. Then it dawned on my that I had never really gotten over what I was remembering. I had sort of "dealt with it" in an attempt to keep going and not collapse from the weight of everything that was happening, but I had never really allowed myself to grieve over it and let the grief takes its course. There had been so many other tears to shed that the thought of anymore was unbearable at the time, and yet, now the tears seem to flow so freely. Almost as if they have been waiting all the time for their chance at release. It's funny how we are. Although the events for which my memories have taken me back happened nearly 10 months ago, they are still so vivid in my mind, and this time there is little else there to push the emotions down, to keep them back until a later time. That means that I should deal with them, go through the process of grieving; but I am still not ready to do that, or perhaps I do not know how. So, I suppose I will have my little release and then box up the emotions until a later time, when I really can face them, or until another memory brings them to mind.

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At this moment I am...well, that's hard to say exactly. I am so many things - happy, excited, bewildered, amazed, and thrilled to the very core of me. I almost don't know what to say or how to describe what all is going on in my life right now, but one things I can absolutely say is God is SOOOOO good to me and His love is the most amazing thing I have ever come across. He continually surprises me with His goodness towards me and all His blessings. Every day there is something new that He does, some wonderful act He performs. How could I have ever thought that anything I could have come up with would have been better in any way from something He does? How silly and blind we are when we are "thinking for ourselves". How dark it is when we grope around trying to find our way and make our own path rather than walk in the Light and let Him lead us all the way. Life is incredible right now and this journey I'm on has taken such unexpected turns that the thrill of the adventure is sometimes more than I can bear, but I can't and won't stop now. I will see my life through and have everything that God intends for me to have because that is better than anything this world or anyone in it has to offer.
On a side note, I've found some really good quotes I want to post.
"In the Christian life the implicit is never conscious, if it is conscious it ceases to have this unaffected loveliness which is the characteristic of the touch of Jesus. We always know when Jesus is at work because He produces in the commonplace something that is inspiring." - Oswald Chambers
"Nothing is so important as to keep right spiritually. The great solution is the simple one - "Come unto Me." The depth of our reality, intellectually, morally and spiritually, is tested by these words. In every degree in which we are not real, we will dispute rather than come." - Oswald Chambers
"Jehovah appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee." Jeremiah 31:3
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me! Psalm 139:7-18

The Weekend

It's the end of the weekend and I must say it was a pretty good weekend at that. I had some fun, got some serious practicing in, thought (a lot!!!), actually got my room clean (amazingly, it can happen), and learned a few new things. I actually went to a movie (the first since sometime early last year) and got to hang out with my friends (and several family members; but then, they seem to be a part of everything I do). That was probably the best part of my weekend. We went to see "Amazing Grace" and I have to say that the movie was really good. There was so much about it that was good I couldn't even post it all here, and besides, everyone should see it for themselves. Really, it was that good and I'm so glad I went. Anyway, I'm still in a bit of a silly mood (see last post) so I thought I'd steal a survey from one of my friend's blogs and post it here. It can double as both my post and my *About Me* section for this time. So, here goes.
Thinking Meme
1. If you had to choose one vice in exclusion of all others what would it be?
definitely chocolate; it's not even close

2. If you could change one specific thing about the world what would it be?
The fact that there are far too many mindless women and most men appear to be sadly lacking as well.

3. Name the cartoon character you identify with the most.
Marvin the Martian - he seems so smart and so stupid all at once.

4. If you could live one day in your life over again which one would it be?
There are too many to choose just one, but one of them would definitely be the day I hurt a good friend in an attempt to get myself out of trouble.

5. If you could go back in history and spend a day with one person who would it be?
I think I'd rather just be given the opportunity to get inside the minds of so many famous historical people: J. S. Bach, Jane Austin, Edgar Allen Poe, Albert Einstein, George Washington Carver, Sojourner Truth, I could go on forever. The one person I would actually love to have seen in their day would have to be Jesus. I would love to have seen the miracles and watch the reactions of those around Him and then, of course, to experience actually being in the physical presence of God - that would be awesome.

6. What is the one thing you lost, sold or threw away that you wish you could have back?
Does that mean material or non-material things? For the first, nothing too important. For the second, lost relationships with very dear friends.

7. What is your one most important contribution to this world?
Could I get back with you on that?

8. What is your one hidden talent that nearly no one knows about?
Does there only have to be one and what makes it a talent? I prefer to keep them hidden and go on thinking they are talents rather than exposing them and having someone inform me that they are definitely not.

9. What is your most cherished possession?
My Bible. I've had it since I was 15 and I have marked in it and underlined all over it. I've written promises God has given me and dated passages that meant a lot to me during certain periods of my life. It's nice to read it and be reminded if things God did for me or times when His Word comforted me.

10. What one person influenced your life the most when growing up?
Given the various circumstances of my life there isn't just one, but my mom has influenced me the most in my relationship with the Lord and believing that Jesus is so real and my vice-principal for grades 5 - 12 influenced me to always strive to know more and experience more in life.

11. What one word describes you better than any other?
Yikes!!!!