My Movie Moment

Today was a day like any other, until it happened -- my movie moment. I had met my Mr. Darcy for a cup of coffee on the university campus and was enjoying the beautiful Tucson weather when I realized that my family was out there as well performing their music. It's been almost a year and a half since I performed with them and I have moments when I really miss them; miss the music. We had split ways because my focus is more on my academic pursuits rather than my music. I still perform every now and then but it is not an every day thing anymore. My family is not really O.K. with that and so we have gone our separate ways. As Mr. Darcy and I finished our coffee and started strolling across the campus we passed my musical family. I'm not sure if they noticed me, but I made no attempt to catch their attention. I thought that perhaps on my way back to my lab I would stop by and say hello. I did actually have some news for them. I had heard from my 5th and final graduate school and the verdict was admittance. I had made it into two top ten schools and one top twenty-five school. I was on the waiting list for another top ten school and another strong university. I had not been rejected at any of the schools. This outcome had far exceeded my expectations for my graduate applications and I was very excited about the prospects in front of me. I have such a feeling of anticipation and impending change, change for the better. I am finally starting to live my dream and I would like for my family to be a part of that. So, as I said good bye to Mr.Darcy and headed back to the lab I wandered in the direction of where my family was performing. As I got closer I could make out the voice of one of my sisters singing. She was belting out a very bluesy rendition of "Amazing Grace". I used to sing that song with them. It had been my song. The memories started to flood my head and I was transported back to the days when we performed together. As my brother played a sax solo I realized how much I missed hearing such good music. It was truly soul music. I could feel it in the deepest part of me, take hold of me, and the intense desire to join in grabbed me. I almost started singing out loud on the university campus! As I continued to walk closer to where they were the music grew louder and completely engulfed me. If there was anything true about my family it is that they are truly exceptional musicians. They know how to make music and when they were singing about things that meant something to them they were even more phenomenal. They were completely engrossed in the song. They did not see me approach them. I stood at the back of the stage and watched them. I saw my mom smiling as she played her bass guitar, my brother closing his eyes as he sang with everything in him, my sister playing the drums like it was her favorite thing to do in the world, and my other sister belting out her notes with the skill of a trained musician and the heart of a true artist. It was lovely, wonderful, and bittersweet. I knew that the moment I told them my good news the smiles would be gone, the enjoyment would drain from their eyes, and the warmth I felt from their music would turn stone cold. As I stood their and watched my family I realized that I was no longer a part of them. I was free. Free to pursue my hopes and dreams, free to pursue my God-given purpose in this life, free to be who I really was rather than the hologram my family had created for me, freed from the bonds that my family had for so long encouraged. While the music still pulled at my heart strings I knew that I could not go back. I could not re-enslave myself to something that was not meant for me. I would never forget my family and the good times we had together and I would never stop loving them but that part of my life was over and it was time for me to move on. With "Amazing Grace" pealing through the air in a perfect blend of my family's voices and instruments, I turned and began to walk away. Oh, the freedom I felt as I happily, purposefully walked away. If they saw me leave I hope they noticed that I was not down-trodden or sad. I was strong, invigorated, completely in love with life and most importantly my Saviour, Who had poured out His grace on me so that I might be everything He wanted me to be. I felt like I was in the closing scene of a movie when the music blares loudly and the main actor walks off the scene as the camera zooms out. It was an ending for me; a glorious, wonderfully dramatic (as the artist in me does like some drama), meaningful ending. It is done and now I can move on to the next chapter of life.

The Girl, Part 6

As she gathered her things to go the girl paused a moment to take one last look around the castle. There was where she had spent her time as a child. There was the woman who had been so kind to her in her rough adolescent years. There was the friend who had given her so much support in some of the darkest hours of her life here at the castle. There were the children who had been such a source of joy to girl. There was that one special child that seemed to be linked to the girl with a soul tie that could not ever be truly broken. Yes, there would certainly be things that she missed. She had loved the people in the castle, loved many aspects of castle life, but now it was time to move on, time to find the truth and live it. As she looked around she tried to prepare herself to say good bye to her family and friends and start the long journey back to her current place of residence. She had a heavy heart as she prepared to go for she knew that in many ways the relationships she had had at the castle would never be the same again. There was a place in her heart that would forever be empty of the joy it had once felt. She would never again experience the closeness with those in the castle she had once been so close to. It was a sorrowful thought, but it was a reality. So, she squared her shoulders and began her exit from the castle. After the sad goodbyes and tight embraces, the girl waited for the gates to open and then passed through them on to the road that would take her home. With each step away from the castle she felt a new freedom. It was as though an unseen chain was loosening as she moved away from the castle. Each step forward left another link to the chain lying in the dust behind her. She felt as though a giant burden had been lifted from her shoulders and she could now breathe the air as she was intended to.
The girl would follow this road home to her house and from there she knew not where she would go, but it didn't matter. She knew that she was on the right path and that as long as she stayed on that path she would find her destiny, fulfill her quest for answers. With each day things began to grow clearer and thoughts of the future became less clouded with doubt and more full of hope. There were answers, there was a purpose to her life, and she could succeed at being what she was created to be. Her return to her house was the next step in her journey and it would allow her to prepare for the steps that would follow. An air of anticipation hung over her as she traveled home. She was so excited about what the future held for her. She could not and would not look back at the castle. Yes, her family and many friends were there, but they had chosen to remain, had chosen to close their eyes to the truth and she could not shake them into reality. She would miss them and the closeness of their bond, but she must move on. Her life lay in front of her and she must grasp it and push onward, never looking back to the hinderances and bondages that the castle represented to her. She was free!!! And how she enjoyed being free!
There was a smile on the girl's face as she reached home and settled into her house. The unseen chain was gone, it's links scattered over the road she had trod to get here. She did not have all the answers she wanted nor was she satisfied with her life at the moment, but she now had hope that she could indeed be successful in her aims and goals. She relished the thought that she was now truly free to be and accomplish all that she was intended for. There was a bliss in knowing that she could now start the great adventure that would be her life.

The Girl, Part 5

The girl was visiting the castle and in so many ways she was enjoying herself. It was so good to see old friends and visit with family. There was nothing like being able to wrap her arms around her loved ones and give them a warm embrace. She was most thankful for the chance to catch up with those who were closest to her heart and just having the chance to hold them in her arms meant the world to her. Most of the people in the castle seemed genuinely happy to see her, and yet, there were those who were most decidedly unhappy with her presence. As the girl moved about the castle and visited everyone she was surprised at the odd way in which warmth and coldness, love and hatred seemed to be mixed. For all the warm greetings and cheerful hello's there was one cold shrugging off, complete denial of her presence. At times it was those who were once closest to her that treated her this way and the pain she felt tore through her like a knife ripping through her very soul. She tried to ignore it and move on, but she could not deny the deep hurt that tugged at her heart each time these encounters happened. No, she could not stay here. The castle was not her final resting place in the journey of her life. She would need to keep searching. The time of her visit would most assuredly come to an end and when it did she would leave, never to return again. Perhaps she might visit again, but she would never live withing the walls and confines of the castle ever again. The realization of this made her look at castle life more deeply. What did it all mean? Why did the inhabitants live their lives locked away and shut off from the rest of the world? What were they trying to keep out? What were they hiding from? Why did they try to create a world of their own when they were still very much living here on the earth? These questions filled the girl's head as she wandered too an fro about the castle. It was strange that she had ever been a part of it. Almost surreal in the realization of it. But had she ever really been a part of it? She didn't think so. She had been born into the castle, but the castle had not been born into her, and that is what made all the difference in the world. She was not like her family. They were very much a part of the castle, for better or for worse. They didn't seem to be able to separate themselves from it. But the girl couldn't seem to bind herself to it. The ties that tried to bind her never held and because of it she could now look at life here in the castle with a much more open, objective view; and that led to some startling realizations for the girl.
She had been happy as a child here in the castle. Well, in some ways. Upon remembering her childhood there had been things that were really great but there were other things, terrible things, that had not been so great. She had always wondered why she had experienced the bad things in a place that seemed so loving and warm. Now that she was older and had returned, she knew why. It was the same reason that some of the inhabitants treated her so coldly. Intolerance, bitterness, hatred, selfishness, and fear. These things resided in the residents of the castle, filling some of them completely, and it did what it could only do - produce mean, cold-hearted, unforgiving people. On the surface they were not so, but deep inside that is what they were. The girl noticed that it seemed to be much more apparent in the older people, with the younger people not being quite as affected, but if they did not guard against it, it would take them over as well.
Now, as the girl roamed the castle the walls seemed cold and uninviting, the life seemed tainted and unpleasant. It was not what she had been trained to think it was. It was an illusion, an attempt on the part of those that lived there to fulfill an ideal in a faulty, flawed manner. The result was a dangerous deception and a removal from reality. No wonder the walls of the castle had been erected with such thickness and height. No wonder they kept the gates so locked up and the inhabitants safely bound inside. No wonder they guarded the castle and their life inside so fiercely. No wonder they could not bear to be a part of the outside world. Any glimpse of reality, any encounter with truth would shake the very foundations of the world they had created and then what would they have? Nothing but a heap of rubble and years of wasted lives. That would be a lot to deal with and no one was volunteering for the task. Instead, they were attempting to press on with the dream, the illusion, hoping that it would one day become a reality, a truth they would not have to defend.
The girl returned to her room and began packing her things with a heavy heart. She knew that she must sever the ties that bound her to this place once and for all. She could not return. She had seen it for what it really was and she could not close her eyes to the truth and pretend it was not what it was. She now understood why she had so many unanswered questions. She would leave this place of lies and illusions and keep traveling until she found her answers. She knew they were out there as sure as she knew she was alive. There had to be a way to find them. Perhaps her experiences here at the castle would help her in her quest. It could not have been for nothing that she had started on this journey. There must be purpose and a plan to it all and she would strive to find that plan.

The Girl, Part 4

The new day dawned with the sun shining brightly and the girl feeling refreshed from a good night's rest. She was surprised at how well she had slept but glad for the much-needed rest. As she gathered her things and got ready to head towards the castle her heart was racing and her mind was full of wonderings. How would her family receive her? How would she feel about the castle after being away for so long? What would her perspective of castle life be now? As she traveled closer and closer to the castle gates she tried to stop the thoughts from crowding her mind and overwhelming her. As she stepped up to the portal to ring the bell and enter she drew in her breath very slowly. She calmed her nerves and determined to remain in control of herself. As the gates swung open she gasped at the scurrying and bustling of castle life that greeted her. It was all just as she had remembered. The people everywhere running about trying to keep schedules, the children - so many of them!- gathered around her to greet her. They had not forgotten her and their glad cries of welcome assured her that they had not stopped loving her. The girl stepped into the castle and felt the doors close behind her, but she decided to ignore this and instead focus on immersing herself in castle life, at least for the moment. Her family came to see her and one by one she hugged and kissed them, so happy to see them all! She reacquainted herself with those who might not have remembered her and made a mental note to be sure that during her visit she stopped and said hello to everyone she knew. The love and warmth that she had remembered was still there. The welcoming, embracing bond that is shared by those that have shared a lifetime together was still very strong between the girl and those in the castle. Yes, she was home, and she knew it. Yet, she found herself wondering what home really meant. She had all the nostalgic feelings and tugging of the heart strings that assured her she was very much a part of the castle and its secluded world and it was very much a part of her, but that was not all there was to the feelings. There was something more, something she couldn't quite describe, but was so very real to her. She would wait until her stay at the castle was over before she tried to describe or even determine for herself how she really felt or what those feelings meant.
The girl finally made it to her temporary residence and began to unpack her things. She would settle into life at the castle for the time of her visit and hope that it would provide her with answers. She had no idea how the visit would turn out but she was here now and there was no turning back. Maybe now that she was older and more experienced she would be able to see the things her parents and the older members of castle society had always insisted were the right ways of doing things, the proper paths the follow in one's life. This time of visiting would be at least one more attempt at seeing things their way, of trying to see what the right things were, what the truth was. She hoped that it would at the very least give her some idea of where to find her answers she had looked so long and hard for.

The Girl, Part 3

The girl had thought about returning to her home many times. She spent time remembering her favorite spots in the castle, her favorite things to do, and her favorite people to spend time with. She missed her family and the things that were familiar to her. Perhaps she would travel back just for a visit. At least she would be able to see her family and maybe the visit would help clear her mind, give her some sense of direction, some idea of where she could really find the answers to her questions. Going home, returning to the castle definitely seemed like a good idea. She packed her bags, just taking a few things with her. After all, she was going to return. The trip home was only a short one; she wouldn't make a final decision until after her visit. She gathered her things and started back towards the castle. Along the road she met several people. She interacted with them, asking questions, being her usual curious self. She didn't really know for sure what she would accomplish from continuing to ask the questions that filled her mind. No one seemed to know how to answer them; but still she hoped that there were answers, and so she kept asking. While she traveled she also spent time reflecting on her life. She looked back to her childhood, as far back as she could remember. She made herself remember as much as she could, both the good and the bad. There were certainly many good memories to be had, but there were also some very unpleasant ones. She remember the strict hold the castle dwellers had over her life. She remembered the hard tedious schedule she had to fulfill every day. The girl began to be troubled. Perhaps she wasn't quite ready to go home yet, but she was already on the road that led there. She had already traveled many days. No, she would not turn around at this point. She had come too far to stop. She would return to the castle no matter what. By this time she desperately wanted to see her family and to feel their loving arms around her, and she wanted to be where her most pleasant memories where. She found herself in quite a state. There was a part of her that wanted to go home so badly, to feel the security of the castle walls once more, to live the set life that had been given her. Yet there was a side of her that never wanted to return to the bondage of those castle walls, that never wanted to relive the pain and hurt she had experienced at the hands of those who were closest to her. She had thought that leaving the castle would free her, would answer the questions that had haunted her, but at this point it had not. She had thought that returning home would help her clear her head and maybe shed some light on what she should do next, but as she got closer to the castle she was not so sure that was a good idea. Her days were filled with trudging forward, her feet feeling heavier with each step she took. Her nights were filled with dread and nightmares which shook her to her very core. She would awake in a sweat and pray for morning to come so she wouldn't have to face the dreaded demons of the night.
Finally, she was within one day's reach of the castle. When the sun rose the next morning she would be at the castle, the gate opening, her family waiting to greet her. Perhaps at that moment there would be some clarity. Perhaps then she would be able to see what she should do.
All day, as she pressed towards the castle her thoughts returned to what she remembered of life in the castle and what she had seen of life outside its boundaries. There seemed to be so much outside the castle walls that was bad. People lived aimless lives for the most part. They cared little for those around them. SELF seemed to be the number one thing most people worshiped and the girl couldn't help but notice that for all their self-adoration, they found themselves surprisingly empty. Of the people she had talked to, few bothered to even acknowledge the questions she was asking and even fewer attempted at an answer. The ones who did gave very little insight. It had been a frustrating last few years for her, but had it been any worse than living inside the thick, impermeable walls of the castle with no hope of experiencing anything other than what was in front of her? She didn't know. Honestly, she just didn't know. Tomorrow would be another chapter in the story of her quest for answers. She would wait until then before she asked anything else of herself. With some luck she could quiet her thoughts, and her nerves, and get some rest. The next day would be a big one for her and she would need her wits about her. Hopefully the new day would bring new hope for her and her quest for answers and maybe shine some light on her seemingly dim life. . . . . . .
To Be Continued

The Girl, Part 2

So, the girl left the castle and headed out into the large unknown world she had heard so much about. She really had no idea where she was going or what she was going to do now that she was gone, but she knew that she had questions that were still not answered and she wanted the answers. It was several days and then weeks and months and finally years that the girl was away from the castle. She had never really settled down anywhere but had kind of wandered from place to place, always searching for the answers to her questions. There were a few people every now and then that would give insight or help her arrive at conclusions that she felt like might be the right answers but for the most part she found that the people outside the castle were not much different from the people inside the castle. They knew very little about what the girl asked about and were only concerned with their own personal lives. They might not have been living inside a castle, but they might as well have been. Their line of sight was just as short and narrow as people in the castle. They couldn't see past the boundaries of where they lived. For the most part people were caught up in the everyday tasks and schedules that they followed and gave very little thought of anything else. There was nothing really spectacular about being on the outside; nothing extraordinarily enlightening. The girl began to remember what life was like inside the castle and what all the "outsiders" had told her about the world outside the castle. She remembered their taunts and how they ridiculed her for her lack of experience in the world. Well, now they couldn't ridicule her any longer. She had lived outside the castle, she had seen what they had seen and experienced what they had experienced, and what did she have to show for it? There was nothing so great about the world outside. There was nothing incredibly special about being outside the castle walls. She was not really any better out here than she was in the castle. Perhaps she would return and see if maybe the life there wasn't for her after all. Perhaps now that she had seen what was outside the castle and knew that the answers to her questions did not lie there that she would be content with the castle and its walls and life would begin to finally make sense. And so, the girl began to think of returning home and returning to the life she had always known. . . . . . . . . . . . .
To Be Continued

The Girl in the Castle

There once was a girl who lived in a castle far far away in a land of enchantment. The castle was strong and well-guarded so that it's inhabitants were never disturbed by the outside world and the outside world was never able to get to them unless for some reason or another the entry way was opened for a brief moment and a gift or visitor was allowed to enter. This girl knew only her life in the castle and for most of her years she found it hard to imagine that there was anything but the castle. To her the castle seemed large and full of life. There were family and friends, the young and the elderly, events and holidays and all the things that it seemed would be found in a world. But, alas, the girl was a dreamer and one with an intense curiosity about life. She read books and asked questions and observed those around her to see if she could find answers but she was not satisfied with the answers she was given. In her quest for knowledge and understanding she even went beyond the bounds of the castle. She made the acquaintance of several "outsiders", either on their trips into the castle or on the very rare occasion that the girl would venture out of it. With these "outsiders" she would talk for endless hours asking all sorts of questions, engaging in all sorts of dialogue. There was just one problem though. The "outsiders" had a habit of making fun of the girl. They would tease her about living inside the castle and about living a "sheltered" life. The girl never quite understood this and did her best to ignore them, but the teasing and taunting only increased the more that her exposure to "outsiders" increased. Because the girl was curious and she had so many questions she would continue her conversations with these people, but not a day went by that they would not encourage her to flee the castle or poke fun at her for remaining there. They would tell her that her world was not real and point out that she had no idea what was going on in the rest of the world or even that there was a rest of the world. She was completely oblivious to anything outside her own small line of sight. Of course these accusations deeply distressed the girl and she began to take another look at the life she had lived. Slowly it dawned on her that there was an air of truth to what the "outsiders" had been saying. Suddenly the castle seemed stuffy and confining. The people seemed no longer to be loving and caring but obsessed and overly protective. No, this was no place for the girl to stay. She must leave and find out what the world really contained. No wonder she had not been able to get answers in such a confined, constrained environment! At last she would be free to pursue her quest for answers without limitations! Yes, she must leave the castle. There was no other solutions, no other acceptable option. The path she must take was in front of her and she had no choice but to take it. She must be free from the stifeling repression of castle life.

To Be Continued . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .