Disappointment

I hate being a disappointment. I feel like all my life I've let people down. I haven't been able to live up to anyone's expectations for me, I haven't been able to accomplish any of the things that people in my life have expected of me. The worst is feeling that somehow in letting them down I have let myself down, but I don't really feel that I have let myself down. I've never expected great things from myself, never demanded that I be some super-human example of life here on this earth, and never assumed that somehow I am better in some way or another than those around me. I have always viewed myself as a "plain-jane" with the same attributes and qualities as most people. I don't see myself as a stand-out person with any amazing talents or gifts. Sure, I have talents, I have gifts, and I am blessed in many ways, but I don't see that as superior. Everyone has those things. Yet, despite this view of myself, those around me have always expected that I would accomplish something "great". I have never, for the life of me, been able to understand this and the thing it has brought about in my life has been the feeling that I disappoint those who matter most to me. I guess because I don't expect great things from myself I don't disappoint myself, but why is it not that way for others. Don't get me wrong - I have high standards for myself and demand my best in whatever I do, but those are rules to guide my life, not determinants on how successful I am in the eyes of those around me. Maybe the problem lies in giving too much credence to what people think of me and what I have done this far with my life, but I find that it is very difficult to ignore what those who are close to me think of me. Maybe I should grow a thicker skin and just not care, but then, isn't that what caring about people is partly about? That's why they have an influence on you and you on them. I don't know. Maybe my musings are confusing and baseless, but I find that they come back to me over and over again. I hate the feeling of being found wanting, of feeling that I am not as good as someone would wish me to be, of feeling that I lack in some way and at the bottom of all of it is a sense that somehow it is all my fault. Hmm. Well, these are certainly not well developed thoughts, but, they are on my mind so I figured I'd post about them.

Good Times

This weekend has been great. Last night I went to see "Live Free or Die Hard" and I have to say that I absolutely loved it. I am partial to Bruce Willis anyway, but the movie was really good in it's own right, and I was more than happy that the language wasn't so bad the movie had to be rated R. I went with my younger brother and sister and we had fun. Today the college group from church came over to my house and we hung out there for most of the day. It was fun and relaxing and I so thoroughly enjoyed myself. Of course, there was quite the mess to clean up when we were done, but it wasn't too bad. Now it is starting to storm outside and I am waiting hopefully for a wonderful Arizona monsoon to start. I've watched the lightning for the past two nights and it has been a pretty incredible show. We actually had rain last night. It is such a great feeling to be in bed and hear the rain hit the roof and smell it as everything outside is being drenched. I love Arizona storms. I thought I'd post a picture of a Tucson storm just beginning to roll over the mountains. It's not anything like actually seeing a storm come in, but it is a pretty cool picture. Oh, I just heard thunder! Yaaaaa!!!!!

Feeling Better

I've been under the weather for the past few days. To tell you the truth I couldn't really tell you what exactly made me so sick. I think it was a combination of things: a cold, irritation in my lungs, lack of sleep, female issues, too many worries and un corazon destrozado. I decided yesterday that the cause of my problem was more mental/emotional than anything else and determined to do something about it. So, I treaed my cold, made myself get some sleep, and did a little attitude adjustment and I think I am finally recovering. Today is much better than yesterday was and I fell much better. Something that really helped was rehearsal, oddly enough. We were rehearsing Easter music and that meant we were singing about the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. I was reminded of how much Jesus gave up to save me and show His love for me, and that He rose from the dead to give me the power to live the life that God intended me to live - a life that is the best you could ever ask for, not lacking in any way, successful in every area, living every day to the fullest, and always being full of the joy of the Lord. I know I've said it here numerous times, but it gives me such peace, such a sense of anticipation that God has everything I need and desire and He wants to give them to me, and He will! When I become worried or depressed that I don't have the things I need or desire it means I've lost sight of my Savior and when I adjust my focus I find that I can leave all the dark, gloomy thoughts behind and actually be free and happy and say just like Paul, "I have learned in whatsoever circumstance I am in, therewith to be content." And let me tell you, resting and relaxing in the arms of Jesus, releasing all my cares on Him, is a much better place to be than being frought with worries, fears, and uncertainites about tomorrow.

*About Me* Someone asked me to post some pictures of me in high school, so, against my better judgment, I am doing so. Please be kind and don't use any of these for blackmail later in life. Oh, and I hope they aren't too scary!
This is me at a fashion show that my friends and I put on. The picture below is of the group of us that were involved. I'm not sure what we were thinking, but, it was fun while it lasted.



This is typical me in high school. I swear I went to school like this, and no, I don't know what I was thinking. Crazy!


This is me camping with some friends. Believe it or not, I actually went in public like this!


This is me at the famous Tucson Rodeo not wanting my picture taken. I think I am 15 in this picture.


Me and a friend at Thanksgiving. I was 16, and yes, my nails are painted black and white. They were originally black and my mom asked me to change them so I added the white.


I am holding my hand in total horror in this picture because my friend has just grabbed it and kissed it. She was a total nut, and I never quite knew what to do with her. Her favorite name for me: beautiful.


This is me with two of my sisters, a cousin, and my grandmother.