Tears

Tears

Welling up in my eyes,
Spilling down my cheeks,
Coming one right after the other.
Is there any end to them?
Is it possible to run out of tears?

Like streams they course down my face.
I know I've spilt a river,
I've shed an ocean,
And yet they still come.
An amazing thing.

So many tears.
My sorrows,
My fears,
My hurts,
Relief that comes in small drops.

Being Scared

"It could be nothing, but we would like to rule out the possibility that it is anything serious." -- The doctor's words hit me like a cold ocean wave. A shock ran through my body and I could feel myself shiver in response. There were plenty of questions running through my mind, but I only managed to get a few out. Panic was forming a knot in my stomach and was starting creep up into my chest. "Just keep breathing," I told myself. "You can handle this. No matter what happens, everything will be alright." Still, I could feel my breaths coming more rapidly and the panic was growing stronger. I managed to finish my conversation with the doctor and hang up the phone without completely losing my composure. I sat for a moment just staring into empty space. I was still fighting to keep the panic down. I didn't want to face this a broken hysterical child. I could be brave; I could handle this. After all, the doctor didn't say there was definitely anything wrong. He was positive sounding. But he had said if. Those two small letters put together had created a huge effect when spoken.
The days have passed since that conversation. Symptoms have increased, more information has been gained (none that has been especially comforting), and more testing awaits. I find that I am able to handle things rather calmly, but the fear is still there. In the deepest part of me, as small as a kernel of corn, but there nonetheless. There are moments when it grips me and leaves me feeling limp. My legs feel as though they won't hold me up, my stomach is a series of knots, and my lungs feel as though they can't get quite enough oxygen. I tell myself to stop overreacting, to get a grip, and to keep breathing. This is life. There is no prescription for it, there is no cure for it, there are no guarantees that things will go the way we plan them or that the sun will always shine and rain clouds will never come. One comforting thought - I love the rain. Without it the sun doesn't seem to shine as brightly, the colors all around don't seem to be as vivid, and I find that I don't appreciate the times when it isn't rainy nearly as much. I appreciate the rain in the physical world around me, why not when it comes in my own life? I would like to say that I am perfectly composed, that none of the reports or conclusions will affect me, that I can face it all; but am I that strong? There is a part of me that knows that no matter what the outcome I will be fine, but it's hard to live that day in and day out. I want to be strong and brave, and I am. After all, courage is not the absence of fear but is having the fear and still be able to remain strong. So, yes, I'm scared and unsure of what will happen, but I know I have the courage to face it. I may need to hang on to the supports that are around me and I know I will stumble and fall along the way, but I am determined to keep getting back up, to keep facing whatever comes my way with my head up and my shoulders squared.

My Nephew

Have you ever lost someone you love? Perhaps not, but believe me it is one of the toughest things anyone ever has to face. The desire to see that person, the loneliness, the frustration at their not being a part of your life any longer. When that person is still living, but you are not able to be around them or have contact with them, it seems the pain is even more excruciating. The fear that they will forget you, never know how much you love them, or worse not return your affection are things that seem almost impossible to bear. I love my nephew more than probably anyone in this whole world. I owe him a great debt as he is the one that taught me to love and love unconditionally. Seeing him was always the highlight of my day. Having him wrap his little arms around me, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me he loved me was the best feeling in the whole world. There is no way to properly describe it. I cannot think of the right words to relate to you what our relationship was like, but it was definitely something special. His autism and disabilities made him even more special. He was always such a joy to be around. His ability to make me laugh and smile was second to none. He is such a sweetheart. He always knew when I was upset and would look at me with his big brown eyes and ask, "What's wrong?" Then he would stroke my arm and give me a hug, never leaving my side until he felt confident that I was alright. He is such an imp. His antics would always make me smile or have me in stitches depending on how ridiculous they were. There are so many things about him to love and cherish and I absolutely loved every moment of his company. Now, I can't be around him. I never see him and he is no longer a part of my life, but oh, how I wish he was. I miss him so much! I have not found anything that fills the void that his absence has left. I wonder if I will ever fully recover from his not being there but in some ways that is bittersweet. I don't know that I want another to take his place. I have learned how to deal with his absence and perhaps that is enough. Still, I can't help from tearing up whenever he is mentioned or feeling that deep sorrow of missing those you love whenever I am reminded of him. He is truly a gift and I will never forget him. At this point I can only hope that some day I will be able to again be a part of his life and he a part of mine. It would truly be a blessed day for me. Wherever you, my precious little man, I hope you will always know how much I love you and wish for you the best life in this world. You are so special and I hope you know how much I wish I was with you. I love you.

Some Thoughts

I've been having a rough past few days. Sickness, pain, frustration, stress, and worry have all been handed to me in one huge dose of life. Needless to say, it has left me a bit drained. Ironically, the urge to fight it all has been stronger the worse it gets. I hate feeling down-trodden and defeated. I hate when things look hopeless or problems seems insurmountable. However, I haven't had the strength to fight the feelings of depression and the desire to give up. I've put on a pretty good face to those around me, but inside I've been really struggling. Then I remembered that there still is hope, that there is nothing given me that I cannot handle and that I cannot conquer. I momentarily forgot what a good and loving Heavenly Father I have and what a comfort and friend my Jesus is to me, but He has gone out of His way to remind me and I am so thankful that He has. Sunday morning I managed to get up and get dressed and drive myself to church. Quite the feat seeing as I had been in my house for the past three days, leaving only twice for small intervals. As I drove to church I was reflecting on my current situation and all the seemingly endless problems I was facing. But then, something on the inside nudged me. "Haven't I always been good to you? Haven't I always taken care of you? Don't you know I love you and I will never let you fall beyond my grasp? Haven't you yet realized that I will never leave you alone, never leave you stranded, never forsake you?" I seemed to hear my Savior whisper in my ear. I was drawn to remember all the good things the Lord has done for me in my life and I was reminded of the times when I did truly realize how amazing and endless His love for me was. I can't tell you what a good thing that was for me. It lifted my spirits and gave me a renewed sense of hope. There was still despair in my heart, but light was shining through it. When I got to church I kept feeling an urge to look up the psalm for the day. It was the 27th so I looked up the 27th Psalm and I was so glad I did.
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
"Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."
Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the LORD will take me up.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.

I know I have posted that passage before, but it means so much to me and I felt like it was such a precious gift from the Lord on Sunday morning. To be reminded that He is my light and my salvation and He is my hope was so reassuring.
This morning I got in my car to go to work and as I turned on the ignition the radio came on. A song was just starting and it happens to be a favorite of mine. It was a nice reminder as well that God is really looking out for me and He has given me some wonderful people in my life that love me and are praying for me. The song washed over me like a soothing balm. I couldn't help it; I had to pause and just take it all in. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and start to spill onto my cheeks. It was as though someone was offering water to a parched, weary soul, and I was going to just sit there for a moment and drink. Oh, the comfort that I found in the words of that song! Thank you, Lord, for reminding me that I am not fighting this fight alone and You are bringing me through.
Wish I had a recording I could post here, but here are the lyrics to the song:
SOMEBODY'S PRAYING ME THROUGH
By Darrell Brown & Ty Lacy

Pressing over me like a big blue sky
I know someone has me on their heart tonight
That's why I know
It's gonna be alright
'Cause somebody's praying me through
Somebody's praying me through
It may be my mother
It might be my dad
Or an old friend I forgot I had
But whoever it is
I'm so glad that
Somebody's praying me through yeah
Somebody's praying me through

Through the tears through the rain
Through the sorrow through the pain
It keeps bringing me through
Over and over again
So when you're drowning in the sea of hurt
And it feels like life couldn't be any worse
There's a blessing waiting to push back the curse
'Cause somebody's praying you through yeah
Somebody's praying you through
Somebody's praying you through