Meanderings of the Mind

I read something today that got me thinking about my past. Of course, my past is always with me and it takes very little to bring up the memories and feelings that represent my prior life experiences. However, this was different. I have long wanted to write a book about my life and my experiences as a child. Perhaps I feel that writing everything down will help me understand it better, or perhaps I feel that the unique set of experiences that were mine are far too intriguing and unusual to keep to myself. Whatever the case, I finally took up the task of writing about my life this past summer. I'm about 2 pages in to the first chapter. Now that's progress for you, right? ;) Anyway, I am determined to finish this work, but oddly, I am more comfortable writing about my entire past in the privacy of my home office than discussing small bits of it with friends. I'm even scared of discussing it online in a forum or discussion board. That's strange to me. I can't quite understand it. And that's where my reading from today comes in. I ran across a discussion in a forum about a young girl who ran away from home to join a cult and then, after being in the cult for 3 years, went through more than a year of therapy to deprogram herself. From what I can tell, the girl has been out of the cult for about 3 years and done with therapy for at least a year, and there she was discussing it all with thousands of online viewers. I was struck by her honesty and her ability to accept responsibility for her decisions. I was also struck by her willingness to be so vulnerable about something so private and potentially embarrassing. Although this girl's story was almost as different from mine as 2 people's can be, I found her willingness to share quite admirable. And that got me thinking. Sure, I am writing a book about my experiences, and some day that will be available to anyone and everyone who wants to read it. Yet, what am I doing right now to tell my story, to be vulnerable and open about my experiences? I know that talking about things brings healing, and I have experiences that at some level over the past 4 years, but, perhaps it is time to expand. Perhaps it is time to open up to a wider audience and allow my story to reach others and maybe even affect them in good ways. Perhaps it is time to be open and honest on a level I never thought possible. I guess we shall see.......

I Hurt

I hurt today. More than I have in a long time. More than I want to for another long while. Some old wounds were re-opened as I had to discuss things in my past that are painful to talk about. I was actually surprised at how much it hurt. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting the pain, the ache, the disappointment and devastation to be as deep as the day I first experienced them. But, there they were staring me straight in the face and refusing to go anywhere. I didn't really have the time or energy to deal with them, but they did not ask for my permission to show up. It's amazing to me how much buried and forgotten feelings can still be so strong when resurrected. Amazing how the hurt of a situation that happened so many years ago can still have the poignancy of an event that happened today. This seems to be particularly true of horrifying events. Today I relived one of the most horrifying, devastating events of my life. It is probably one of the deepest betrayals and cruelest treatments of someone I have ever seen. The fact that it was perpetuated by people who said they loved me, loved my family, only made it that much worse. The even more astonishing fact that this was done in the name of protecting what is righteous and holy, carried out by those who profess to live their lives in the imitation of Christ has been the most troubling facet of the whole thing. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I cannot understand it or accept it. I cannot pretend it is not hurtful. I cannot pretend that everything is O.K. I hurt. I ache. My heart is broken. There do not seem to be enough tears to shed, enough sobs to cry. How wish it was not this way.

My Journey Thus Far

I am so excited about the things the Lord is doing in my life! He has been so wonderful to me and truly I am blessed. Two years ago I started on a journey to receive healing. I was in desperate need of some help but I didn't know what to do about it. I felt the Lord leading me to make some very radical changes in my life and to step out in a direction that was completely and totally unfamiliar to me. I was very apprehensive and I knew my decisions would be costly in so many ways, yet the Lord had made it so clear to me that I needed to do this in order to receive healing. The choice was mine to make but it was much like the choice to live with a disease, watching it slowly kill you, or to seek a treatment that would be long and painful in the hopes of curing the disease. I chose the treatment and it has been hard for me. These past two years have been some of the most difficult I have ever experienced, but they have also brought me more joy that I thought imaginable. With each step on this journey I have grown closer and closer to receiving the healing I need and I have been amazed at how the Lord seems to provide the people at the right time to bring into my life the changes that are necessary. Over the past two years I have seen the love of God like I have never seen it before and have come to know Him as the loving, gentle Father He is. My journey has led me to new places and new experiences and at times I have felt so lost and unsure of where to go or what to do, but He has always been there to guide me. Moving to Colorado was a bug decision for me; one of the biggest I've ever made. It was not a popular decision and I faced much opposition from those closest to me, but I knew I must come. I knew it was the next step for me in my healing process. I knew this even though I did not know how it would all work or what I would experience once I got here. I just had a very calming peace that this decision was the right one for me. Since being here I have seen the Lord do so many amazing things and I have been excited to see where He will lead me next and what else He will do. My surroundings have been the best therapy and treatment one could ask for. Things here are so peaceful and I have had numerous opportunities to just sit and observe God's wonderful creation around me. Nature reminds me of who God is and what He is capable of. Those reminders are the comfort I need as I go through this healing process. In the last four weeks here the Lord has led me to a place that I can call my spiritual home and I have been so blessed to be there. Today as I sat in church and listened to what the Lord was doing in the lives of others in my church and how He was speaking to the pastor I felt Him whisper in my soul that this was my place for healing. My two years of wandering a winding trail have led me to this spot, this divinely appointed spot, where I can receive the help and healing that I need and where I can grow in the grace and knowledge of my Lord. All the stops along the way and people I have encountered on my journey thus far have helped lead me here and I am so very thankful for them. I told my Mr. Darcy when we first moved here that it seemed as though some master plan had been spread out before us and we were merely following the steps in that plan, yet it was not a plan that we had laid out or designed. Only God, in all His sovereignty could have designed such a plan and executed it with the skill and mastery that we have witnessed. If this is not a picture of the grace of God in my life, I do not know what is. Truly I have been richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings I have come to take refuge.

Thoughts

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog or even cares about it but I need to write and that's what it's for anyway. So if you're out there, great! If not, oh well. It's been one of those days (weeks is probably more like it) and I am really low right now. It's not that everything is terrible; it's not. For the most part my life is fantastic right now, but there are some key areas where things are not so rosy and they are really getting to me. I find it hard to understand why people can believe certain things and behave in certain ways and this is a real struggle for me. I need to be able to understand why things are happening; yet, sometimes that does not appear to be possible. When I don't understand I feel powerless to change the situation and frustrated with beating what seems to be a brick wall. I hate that! I hate when things are so crazy that all you can do is step back and ask "why?" It doesn't help when they are crazy to the point where you can't really share them with too many people lest you be viewed as insane or worse yet 'abnormal' (roll eyes). I just get sick of feeling like I have to pretend all the time. I want to be a strong person who can push through things and act as though they don't affect me, but the truth is they do, and they do in a big way. I'm affected. There, I said it. If that makes me weak, I'm sorry. At least it's the truth. I'm affected when my family treats me like I'm not family and attempts to wage holy war on me in order to achieve their twisted ideals of righteousness. I'm affected when years of bad decisions that I was coerced into making continue to have negative consequences today, consequences that I can't seem to get away from. I'm affected when I need a shoulder to cry on and the closest one can only seem to lecture me on how to be a better person. I'm affected. I hurt. Still, somehow I am supposed to pretend that things are fine and I am not affected. I am supposed to put a smile on my face and keep right on going. I am not supposed to say to the person who says, "How are you?", "I'm terrible. And yourself?" No, that would never do. I am not supposed to show what is really going on. We don't do that. Society demands that we continue to play the roles allotted us in the time frames given and no one has time to stop for someone who can't seem to handle it all. What a world we live in. I wish I could change it; but I can't. So, I will pick myself up and keep trying to pretend that I can 'handle' it. Maybe some day I will get the hang of it.

Help

When you need help it seems it is the hardest thing in the world to ask. You know absolutely you need it, know that things will not get better until you get it, but still you hesitate to ask. Then, when you do ask it seems as though it will take a million years until you finally see any results. Why is that? Why do we humans feel so reluctant to ask for help in the first place, even when it is inconceivable that we would not need it? Perhaps it is because we do not want to appear weak and unable to handle things on our own. For me it is a matter of independence. I don't want to others to think that I am incapable of doing things on my own and I don't want to admit to myself that I am incapable of doing everything on my own. Alas, I must admit that I do indeed need help and quite a bit of it. I find myself at a point in my life when I feel most helpless to do anything about the things that fill my life, the matters that control my thoughts and actions. I find myself feeling as though I have stumbled into a giant vortex that keeps my thoughts, emotions, and feelings constantly spinning, never stopping. I find it hard to remember which side is up and which is down except that I know when the dread becomes the greatest and the feelings of absolute helplessness are at their peak I am assured that I am headed towards the bottom and further from the top. Yet, amidst all this churning and swirling I find it hard to reach out and ask for help. Maybe it is the shame and embarrassment I feel at admitting I need help and lots of it at the present moment, or maybe it is fear that keeps me so locked up-fear that others might judge me, might not understand where I am coming from, might reject me. Of course I know that fear is not a good reason to do anything, nor is shame, but I still find myself hesitant. I wish this were not so. I wish that asking for and receiving help were easy, but they are not. I am not even sure which is harder to do, realize you need the help or asking for it. I have realized I need it. It is a monster I can no longer run from, no longer rationalize away. It stares me in the face morning, noon and night. I have faced that fact head on and now I am grappling with the task of asking. I have timidly set one foot forward and will continue to force one in front of the other on this road that looks to be long and tedious in duration, but it is a hard task. Ironically, I don't do it for myself, I do it for those I love. I know that my pain, my suffering, my trials affect those closest to me and in order to protect them I am continuing this battle with the demons that haunt me and relentlessly try to drag me down. I know that there will never be any peace for them until I have peace. It might not be the greatest reason to ask for help but it is what is motivating me at the moment. I don't want to risk the relationships I have by being stubborn and refusing to acknowledge that I am human and I am in need of assistance for things. So, here it is, as clear as I can make it. I need help to cope with the past that I wish were not so, and I am asking for it. Now, I hope and pray that is enough, or at any rate a start.

Perplexed!!

I'm up late, well past my bedtime, because I can't sleep. The thoughts keep swirling around and around in my head and the possibilities leave me feeling sick. I have so many decisions in front of me and I have absolutely no answers. I know how I want things to go but I have been most firmly assured that they will not happen that way. I have in front of me my dreams of the field I want to work in and on the opposite side is the one I want to be with. And yet, I wonder if this is really what I want. I know I want to go on to graduate studies and doctoral studies. I have been writing about it on here for the past two years. I finally got accepted to a couple of programs and now it seems the decision facing me is not what is best for me but what is best for "us". I feel like if I make the best decision for me then I will be betraying the person I have said I want to be with forever. Yet, he can't even seem to bring himself to make the arrangement permanent. It seems that if I choose what is best for me then I will be walking away from the only person I have ever really loved and all the dreams I have with him, but if I choose to stay with him I have no assurance that I will ever have fulfillment of my dreams. I feel like I can't really tell him this because then he would say that I am pressuring him into doing what he is not ready to do, but what about me? I need some assurance here! This not knowing is KILLING me! I absolutely hate it with everything in me. He tells me things and reassures me with words, but what are words? How are they reliable? I have known many a words that were spoken by many a trustworthy person that had no more substance to them than the air particles it took to breathe them out. What makes him any different? I'm not saying that he is not, just that I am not sure I know how to trust him like that. I want to trust him, I want to believe him, but I have nothing to back it up but words, and I have been burned so many times with words. I don't think I can keep going like this. It is literally tearing me up. What do I do? I don't even know how to begin to handle it. I guess that means it is back to my knees with a whole lot more praying to do. I want to make the right decision for me and I am hoping that it will help things work out with me and my love, but what if it doesn't? How do I choose? Why do I have to? I am very much perplexed!

A Lesson

I learned something this past week, or maybe I just became aware of something. There is a person that I deal with on a regular basis that I do not really enjoy being around. This person seems to be quite ridiculous at moments when you are really hoping that they will not be, and they seem to love a good drama, and they are completely impractical about just about everything, and . . . I could go on and on; but I won't. Suffice it to say that I find this person one of the most irritating individuals I have to work with and I am not at all happy that I have had to deal with them for so long. That said, I realized something this week. That person, as irritating as they are, has something that I cannot say I possess - a very tender heart towards people you are not acquainted with. I can be a very tender-hearted person and get great joy out of doing things for those I love. However, I cannot say that I have a very tender heart towards those I do not really know. I am not mean, just a bit indifferent. I work in customer service and I hate it. Yes, customers can be pushy and rude and hard to deal with, but that is not the only reason I do not like my job. I don't like being pleasant and happy and actually caring about someone I don't really know. I know that sounds incredibly harsh of me and very selfish, but I think it is the truth, however ugly it may seem. I realized this past week that for all of the annoying, irritating qualities my bothersome person may have, they have a very tender heart. They will go the extra mile and help just about anyone, and for that I have to give them some credit. I think they really have a desire to help people and give them comfort when they are in need of it. Perhaps I "have it together" in areas this individual does not, but I could definitely learn a thing or two from them in this area; and in some ways I think I already have.

Relationships

I am by no means a relationship expert. In fact, I have a lot of ideas and zero experience, which makes me a bit of hazard when it comes to relationships, romantic ones that is. I have no idea what I am doing and it is so aggravating. I don't know if I'm doing the right things, the wrong things, or something that doesn't matter either way. I think I am showing a person how much I care about them and I end up annoying the heck out of them. Then, I pull back and try so hard to not do that and I end up offending them. There isn't anyone I have asked for help that has really given me any, which, quite frankly is a bit frightening. Does no one know what they are doing and how these things are supposed to work????? Of course there is the small problem that I don't really feel like there is anyone I can talk to about it completely so it limits what they can give me advice on and what I can ask advice on, but that shouldn't be that unusual, right? I mean, what did people do before there were marriage/relationship counselors? They had to have been able to work things out on their own, so why can't I? Honestly, I feel so completely lost. I never have understood the whole dating thing anyway and now that I have a relationship I understand it even less. What is it even? How do you pretend you are serious with someone but your not? How to do get close but keep yourself from getting too close? How do you let someone in but shut them out all at the same time? I realize that relationships take patience, something I never really realized before, but how do you proceed in something when there is so much uncertainty? My thinking has always been that the relationship is just temporal until there is a commitment made - either marriage or the declared intention to get married. Yet, in the living out of that it is so much more complex than that. What happens if you both really care about each other but marriage is not an option at the moment? Then what? Well, you can wait but it's hard to know where the boundaries are and what is the right or wrong thing to do both with yourself and with the other person. It's so frustrating! How do you tell yourself to not care about someone so much, especially when that person is your best friend? How do you keep yourself from falling completely and totally in love with someone that you grow closer to each day? I know love is a choice in so many ways, but it is also an emotion that grows with the growing of relationships. The relationship will either foster and encourage love or it will kill it. What do I do if it encourages it but I can't act on it? Do I pretend it isn't there? Oh, I don't know. There are so many opinions on the "right" way to do it, but I am not settled with any of those opinions. The only thing I am settled with is learning more and more how to put my trust in the Lord in this area of my life and continuing to make choices and do things in my relationship that will bring honor to Him and will encourage both myself and my significant other to seek the Lord and grow in His grace and knowledge every day. In the end that is the best way that I can love someone anyway and it is the only thing I am absolutely sure of. I don't know if any of this made any sense but that's what happens when the writer is confused!

Being Alone

I feel so alone. I know I shouldn't and it probably isn't very rational, but I do. There are those around me who tell me that they are there for me if I need them, tell me how much they care about me, and try to give me what I need. Still, I feel alone. I know that given the period of my life that I am going through right now this is probably a normal thing, but I wish it wasn't. I am so tired of feeling this way, so tired of feeling hurt and loss, tired of crying into my pillow at night or into the shoulder of someone close by. I am tired and worn out and I feel so terribly alone. I've tried to stop the feelings; I've tried to ignore them and move on as though they weren't constantly eating away at me. I've tried to face them and deal with them, but to no avail. I feel as though I will never be the same person again. Is that a bad thing? Maybe I shouldn't return to the person I was before all these things happened to me; or maybe I should and I just don't know how to do it. Whatever the case may be, I just wish I didn't feel like this. I hate being alone. In my mind's eye it is one of the worst things that can happen to me. I know that admitting that leaves me wide open for criticism by anyone who reads this, but I have no wish to deny it. It is a part of who I am at this moment and pretending I am not that way is deceiving myself and those around me. Oh, I wish I didn't feel this way! Will I ever get past it? Will this ever stop? Will the feelings ever cease? Will there be relief at some point? These are the questions crowding my mind and occupying my thoughts. Perhaps they mean that I am a weak person or that I am being childish and not facing what happens to most people at some time or another with any sort of dignity and maturity. All I can say to that is, "Sorry". I am trying my best and hopefully it will accomplish something eventually. At least that is my prayer. In the mean time I will go on living each day praying that it is better than the last and hoping that I will stop feeling this dreadful loneliness.

Getting Something Off My Chest

It's been a rough week. There have been so many things to handle and, I must admit, I don't think I have handled them well. I feel like it's been an off-week for me. I've been mulling over things in my head for the past two weeks and I'm not any closer to having a clear opinion on them than I was when I started. I am feeling so many different emotions right now and I am trying so hard to make sense of them, but somehow I am not succeeding. It becomes especially difficult in a situation when you feel something - hurt, frustration, rejection - yet you can't logically make sense of why you feel that way. Or, you know why you feel that way but you wonder if you are really justified in feeling that way or if you are off on some emotional tangent that you will be sorry for later. Then again, if you are still on that tangent for several days there is a good chance it is not a tangent at all and you really do feel that way and there is a reason for it. Hmm. Why is life so complicated at times? I have so many conflicts going on in my head right now. There is a real me, a person on the inside of me that has been formed and created over the past two-plus decades. I have thoughts and opinions about how I should act, what is good and acceptable, and what the definition of a real woman is. I have seen many things, experienced a lot of heartache, and idealized as to what the right way to behave is. The problem is that there are many outside sources that give you so many conflicting responses as to what the real way to be is that they are not a help at all, but rather add to the confusion. I hear, "There is nothing sexier than a strong, independent woman." Then it's, "Cute, girlie, women are so attractive." Someone says I should be stronger and more independent and someone says I should be more feminine and less like a man. I hear that men don't want someone who is totally dependent on them, who clings to them for everything; but men want someone who needs them, someone who makes them feel big and strong. Honestly, my head is spinning! Does anyone really know what a man wants? Does anyone really know what the perfect woman is and how to be it? I guess I am of the opinion that every man is different, just as every woman is different and I would really appreciate it if people would stop comparing me to the other women they know and just let me be me. I'm not certain things, and perhaps that is a bad thing. Perhaps you wish I was different and did things differently, but I don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I disappoint you. I would like to think, however, that there are things about me, that make up who I am, that are valuable and help to make me an amazing woman in my own way. I cannot be what I am not, and I just wish that, for once, I could be appreciated for what I am. I had no control over the situations and things that happened in my life that have made me what I am. I only had the choice of how I would deal with those things and what kind of person I would be when it was all over. I know there are deficiencies and areas that need improvement, but I don't think I turned out all that bad. Perhaps those around me should spend less time trying to tell me how to be a woman and spend a little more time appreciating the woman that I am, because that is where I am at at this moment. I will change as grow as the days and years go by, but I cannot change what I am right now. Perhaps they should stop and think that maybe I have ideas about what kind of men and women they should be, but I have taken into consideration that they are still growing, still learning, and maybe they don't need my picking at them in their struggle to become who they will be. I appreciate those around me a great deal. I know that putting up with me can be hard to do at times and being in a relationship with me can be tough work; but I can honestly say that I try really hard to be all the good things that I want to be, the things that others want me to be, and I just wonder if those around me ever see it. I'm kind of tired of being examined under a microscope and being found so deficient all the time. I've had a lifetime of that and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I wish I could just be me and that would be good enough for someone. There are those that say it is, but then, they always have some complaint about me, something they've noticed that I need to change. I'm all for constructive criticism, but when is it constructive and when is it destructive? I don't know. Maybe this post doesn't make much sense to most of you, but they were things I needed to write. Writing is an aid for me in dealing with things. If you, as readers, are ever confused or offended by what I am writing, I am truly sorry, but I use this blog as a way to express myself because it is the only place I can do so without fear of being silenced. Everyone has thoughts, ideas, emotions, and feelings that need to be expressed, but not everyone is blessed with a way or a place to do so. My blog is that place for me. So if you ever stumble across something I've written that seems a bit extreme or just rubs you the wrong way, remember that you have your own thoughts and opinions that would probably be just as shocking to someone else were you to actually share them, and please, afford me a little grace and understanding.

Being Scared

"It could be nothing, but we would like to rule out the possibility that it is anything serious." -- The doctor's words hit me like a cold ocean wave. A shock ran through my body and I could feel myself shiver in response. There were plenty of questions running through my mind, but I only managed to get a few out. Panic was forming a knot in my stomach and was starting creep up into my chest. "Just keep breathing," I told myself. "You can handle this. No matter what happens, everything will be alright." Still, I could feel my breaths coming more rapidly and the panic was growing stronger. I managed to finish my conversation with the doctor and hang up the phone without completely losing my composure. I sat for a moment just staring into empty space. I was still fighting to keep the panic down. I didn't want to face this a broken hysterical child. I could be brave; I could handle this. After all, the doctor didn't say there was definitely anything wrong. He was positive sounding. But he had said if. Those two small letters put together had created a huge effect when spoken.
The days have passed since that conversation. Symptoms have increased, more information has been gained (none that has been especially comforting), and more testing awaits. I find that I am able to handle things rather calmly, but the fear is still there. In the deepest part of me, as small as a kernel of corn, but there nonetheless. There are moments when it grips me and leaves me feeling limp. My legs feel as though they won't hold me up, my stomach is a series of knots, and my lungs feel as though they can't get quite enough oxygen. I tell myself to stop overreacting, to get a grip, and to keep breathing. This is life. There is no prescription for it, there is no cure for it, there are no guarantees that things will go the way we plan them or that the sun will always shine and rain clouds will never come. One comforting thought - I love the rain. Without it the sun doesn't seem to shine as brightly, the colors all around don't seem to be as vivid, and I find that I don't appreciate the times when it isn't rainy nearly as much. I appreciate the rain in the physical world around me, why not when it comes in my own life? I would like to say that I am perfectly composed, that none of the reports or conclusions will affect me, that I can face it all; but am I that strong? There is a part of me that knows that no matter what the outcome I will be fine, but it's hard to live that day in and day out. I want to be strong and brave, and I am. After all, courage is not the absence of fear but is having the fear and still be able to remain strong. So, yes, I'm scared and unsure of what will happen, but I know I have the courage to face it. I may need to hang on to the supports that are around me and I know I will stumble and fall along the way, but I am determined to keep getting back up, to keep facing whatever comes my way with my head up and my shoulders squared.

My Nephew

Have you ever lost someone you love? Perhaps not, but believe me it is one of the toughest things anyone ever has to face. The desire to see that person, the loneliness, the frustration at their not being a part of your life any longer. When that person is still living, but you are not able to be around them or have contact with them, it seems the pain is even more excruciating. The fear that they will forget you, never know how much you love them, or worse not return your affection are things that seem almost impossible to bear. I love my nephew more than probably anyone in this whole world. I owe him a great debt as he is the one that taught me to love and love unconditionally. Seeing him was always the highlight of my day. Having him wrap his little arms around me, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me he loved me was the best feeling in the whole world. There is no way to properly describe it. I cannot think of the right words to relate to you what our relationship was like, but it was definitely something special. His autism and disabilities made him even more special. He was always such a joy to be around. His ability to make me laugh and smile was second to none. He is such a sweetheart. He always knew when I was upset and would look at me with his big brown eyes and ask, "What's wrong?" Then he would stroke my arm and give me a hug, never leaving my side until he felt confident that I was alright. He is such an imp. His antics would always make me smile or have me in stitches depending on how ridiculous they were. There are so many things about him to love and cherish and I absolutely loved every moment of his company. Now, I can't be around him. I never see him and he is no longer a part of my life, but oh, how I wish he was. I miss him so much! I have not found anything that fills the void that his absence has left. I wonder if I will ever fully recover from his not being there but in some ways that is bittersweet. I don't know that I want another to take his place. I have learned how to deal with his absence and perhaps that is enough. Still, I can't help from tearing up whenever he is mentioned or feeling that deep sorrow of missing those you love whenever I am reminded of him. He is truly a gift and I will never forget him. At this point I can only hope that some day I will be able to again be a part of his life and he a part of mine. It would truly be a blessed day for me. Wherever you, my precious little man, I hope you will always know how much I love you and wish for you the best life in this world. You are so special and I hope you know how much I wish I was with you. I love you.

Right Now

I know I haven't really posted anything personal or about me specifically in a while. To be very honest, I haven't had much I could post. My world came crashing down around me a week and a half ago I have spent the last 10 days trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together so that I can have some sort of life. I guess, having never experienced truly loving someone and wanting more than anything in the world to spend the rest of my life with them, I never knew the power such strong emotions had. I have pretty much ceased to exist since that horrible evening when everything came to a screeching halt. I have been a shell of a person who still looks very much real and carries on as though things are all right but inside me there is only a broken heart and hurt that seems to never stop. I keep telling myself to take one day at a time and eventually everything will be fine, but my heart has refused to believe what my head is trying to say. Living this life has become merely a cycle to follow, a routine to get lost in in hopes that the distraction will offer at least some relief from the torment that plagues me night and day. I am not even mad at the person. I still love him more than words can say. In fact, it is maddening to me that he has to see my hurt and that makes him feel bad. I don't want him to hurt and I don't want to hurt him. I just wish somehow I could rewind the clock and cause things to turn out differently. But what would I change? I can't think of anything drastic that I could do to change the outcome and that is frustrating to me. My head hurts from trying to understand everything, my eyes hurt from crying continuously, and my heart hurts from caring too much. My only real source of comfort right now is my Jesus. He has been so wonderful, so loving to me right now. His words are what sustain me day to day; His touch is what keeps me going when I know I can't take one more step forward. I never dreamed life could be this hard, but I have one promise that I am holding onto with everything in me: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Oh, Lord, how I wish it was morning!

My Savior's Embrace

Summary: In the past few days I have been attacked by my closet suffering injuries that were minor but painful, spent time with my nephew who is absolutely the cutest things on the face of the planet, cleaned out my storage unit and part of my closet which opened my eyes to how much junk I had laying around (it was bad!!!), helped decorate my church for the coming fall season, and been completely and totally overwhelmed by the grace and love of my Savior. There's been more, but that about sums it up.

Reflection: I am in love with someone for the first time in my life and, unfortunately, I can't be with him. This is hard, very hard to deal with. There are days when I wonder how I am going to get through the whole day, there are times when the feelings are so overwhelming I can't do anything but lay down and cry. I want to be near him, to hold him, to have his arms around me making me feel so secure and so loved. I want to hear his voice, feel him next to me, and know he's mine His embrace is not possible right now, but I have found some relief. The arms of my Savior hold me when I can't go on, embrace me when the hurt is so bad it seems it will never stop. When I don't know what to pray or the pain is so great I can't speak I can lean back on Him, letting His love surround me, heal me, fill me with hope and, yes, even joy. His arms are so strong and loving that nothing can pull me from them and nothing can harm me when I am resting in them. The Bible calls Jesus the lover of your soul and God your husband. His love is true, never failing, always available, and His embrace is what satisfies me, even when I long for the arms of another. Only Jesus can fill the voids, the longings, the desires that well up from deep within me and threaten to overwhelm me. He always gives me beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning and I love Him so much.

A Period Conversation

I know I already posted for the day but that desire to rant returned and I can't resist the urge. Warning: if you are a man and grow squeamish at the discussion of female issues you should read no further. Ok, my rant - I hate, hate, HATE the first day of a menstrual period. Not that the following six days are great, but the first day is usually hell on earth. I hate that you are ravenously hungry for that one day and then for the rest of your period the sight of food is nauseating. I hate that, if you're like me, a nice migraine begins to form and before you know it the world around you is spinning, your head is pounding, and all that food you have eaten suddenly begins to creep back up your esophagus. I hate that your hormones decide to express themselves with a horrible breakout of the worst acne you've seen in, well, a month. I hate that you are excessively tired, which makes functioning normally a very difficult thing to do. I hate that waves of emotions seem to wash over you like tides on the beach and at any given moment you feel that your life is completely out of sorts, everything is a gigantic insurmountable problem, and you just want to sit down and cry. I hate the horrible aching that grips your pelvis and the terrible cramps that feel like someone is inside you scraping your insides out. I hate the general gross feeling that comes over you. I especially hate those days when you have to take medication just to keep functioning Let's see, is there anything else I can complain about? I think the above list will suffice for now. No, it's not always that bad the first day, but it is never great either. It is the one day of every month that I dread and I'm just glad I have another month before I have to deal with it again.
To those who just read this and wished they hadn't, sorry. To those I snapped at, ignored, or was moody with today, I'm sorry. I promise to be better tomorrow.

Insecurities

As a strong independent female who is supposed to be sure of herself and her value I am not supposed to be insecure. Right? Problem: I am. Especially around other women that I feel are viewed as ten times more valuable than myself. I know this is juvenile and completely illogical and my clear-thinking mind is screaming at me for even entertaining the thought that somehow my worth is determined by those around me, but still, it's there. Even when I think I have mastered it it only takes five minutes of being in a room full of men and having some gorgeous, well-composed girl come walking in. It's almost unbelievable how little time it takes for my stomach to tie itself in knots and every imperfection I ever thought or knew I had to flash across my mind and that feeling of being totally insignificant and not even worth the slightest recognition to creep up on me. Of course, I have trained myself well and those thoughts and feelings are the result of years of behavior management training (subconscious, of course), and once I get a hold of myself I can change my state of mind rather well. However, I have noticed that deep down, on the inside, those feelings are very much real, those thoughts are very much a part of me and who I am. It shouldn't be that way. I know with my head what is a healthy way of looking at myself and viewing who and what I am, but my heart still clings to the fear that perhaps I am wrong and I am the sad excuse of a person I fight so hard not to be. I've mentioned recently that I am trying to deal with things in my life that have bothered me for years, areas that need healing. This particular area is one I have avoided at all costs. I have tried to cover it up, ignore it, or deal with it superficially, but now I need to face it head on and put this ghost from the past to rest. I know of several people who have tried this and failed. My only consolation is that God intends for me to be a whole person, free from anything that would drag me down, healed of all hurts, and He will have to help me do this. Perhaps it is hard for some of you to understand where I am coming from. All I can say is it is quite possibly the most difficult thing in the world to change your thinking when you have lived your life for over twenty years thinking you aren't worth anything, your value is only great enough to allow you to exist in this world and all the while hoping against hope that you are wrong and someday you will achieve enough worth to be of value to someone, maybe even attain that status of being priceless to someone. Maybe you think that is a bit dramatic; maybe it is, but the pain, hurt and torment of living like that cannot be summed up into any less dramatic words. Insecurity is quite possibly the worst thing someone, especially a woman, can live with. God did not intend for me to live that way and I don't wish to live that way any longer. So, being the independent, strong woman that I am, who is of value, I am determined to face this monster that has haunted me for years and vanquish it completely whether that take me a week, a month, or several years. I can do all things through Christ Who is my strength and that means even conquer the giant of Insecurity. It may be tough but I will overwhelmingly conquer through Christ Who always leads us in His victorious triumph.

Thoughts On Life

There's an interesting note on my fridge. Life is just around the corner. Hmm. I was under the impression life is now. Sometimes I act as though it is just around the corner and in the meantime I am waiting for whatever will happen to happen; but life is happening right now. Sure, there are twists and turns, and I am sure there are several corners for me to turn, some that are nearer than I think perhaps, but life is never just around the corner. Not that I want to pick on whoever posted the note. I'm glad you posted it. It just caught my attention and I had to comment. There is some truth to it, though. What life will turn out to be is unseen. Living life with a sense of expectancy is a good thing, especially when the expectancy is of something good. Actually, it's funny that the note was there because I wanted to post on life and my general attitude towards it anyway. As with everyone, there are thing that I have struggled with in my personal life since I was a small child. There have been thing that I have allowed to hold me back and keep me from pursuing my dreams and accomplishing my life goals. I am not realizing this now for the first time; it really hit me about three years ago and I have been working on it ever since. You know the old saying, "Rome wasn't built in a day"? Well, bad habits and poor outlooks on life and of yourself aren't destroyed in one either. It took me twenty years to reach the very sad state I was in, and it will take me some time to fully pull myself out of it. Of course, it is very helpful that I have a wonderful Friend Who always is so faithful to help me and show me things I need to do and changes I need to make to get me out of the pit I was in. Three years ago I asked the Lord to show me every area in my life that needed healing, needed to change, and needed me to allow God to do His work in me. In the past three years it has been hard to face some of the things about myself that I have seen, it has been hard to face the weaknesses that I now know I have, and it has been hard to not only face but deal with the immense amount of hurts that I had accumulated in my short life. I posted last week that I had allowed hurt and pain and my emotions to be my lord instead if Jesus, and I am finding that is more true than I ever thought. However, Jesus has been faithful to help me through all the different things I have dealt with and He is still faithful to help me now. It has been some time now since I lost focus of what I was doing and what I wanted to accomplish with my life and I have allowed my emotions and my desires to get the better of me. In short, I have been acting very foolishly. However, I was reminded of my prayer three years ago, and although facing what you are like and allowing the Lord to change you into what He wants you to be, into the whole person He designed you to be, is hard the thought of ignoring Him and living this life as though He did not exist is unimaginable. I would so much rather let Him do His work in my life and endure the pain of the process and the joy of the outcome than to continue on the way I am foolishly thinking my feeble attempts at fixing myself will ever amount to anything more than a patched up, barely held together person that has little purpose or design to their life. Perhaps you think that is ridiculous and you feel that you have the power within yourself to change who you are and what you are and you believe your life is great with no need for a God to tell you what to do and how to live your life. That is your prerogative and your right. I choose to believe differently because I know differently and each person will act on what they know. I have known Jesus for close to twenty years and He has never failed me, never done me wrong, never not helped me when I asked or even when I needed it and didn't have the good sense to ask, never been anything but a wonderful Friend. I was looking back over my life this weekend and it dawned on me that through all the years and the heartache I suffered (and being emotional I have suffered quite a bit) the only consistently good thing in my life has been my Saviour. People have failed me, my family has failed me, my church has failed me, and I have failed myself; but Jesus has always been true to me, has always been there for me and has never failed me or forsaken me. Yet, I can see so many times when I rejected Him, turned Him away, refused His help thinking it was not enough. Oh, how stupid and foolish that was! Thank God He does not base His love and actions towards us on our behavior towards Him. I know it has taken me several years to come to this conclusion, and perhaps that is too long a time for most, but I now know, absolutely know, there is no friend like Him and there is nothing more satisfying in this life than knowing Him. He truly is everything that I have been looking for.

Thoughts

It's beautiful today in Tucson. The sky is slightly overcast making this a somewhat dreary day, but it is a nice sort of dreary, one that promises rain and thunderstorms. There was a cool breeze this morning as the rain from the past few days has cooled down the hot desert. Oh how I wish I could spend my day outside, but that is not to be. Hopefully, though, I will get to watch a great monsoon storm from my living room window later this afternoon. I love watching the clouds roll in over the mountains and the storm descend on Tucson. It's so amazing to watch. Anyway, enough of me being silly. My weekend was good and I am off to face another week of work. This week I hope to get some answers about my academic future. I have decided that I will make a decision about what course of action to take by the end of this week. Either I will give up my dream of a Master's degree and doctoral work in my field of study or I will press on, finding some way to accomplish what I want. I feel like I've been on vacation from my life for several months and it's time for me to refocus myself and get to work. Avoiding things never works because they will still be there waiting for you whenever you decide to actually face them and usually you've lost a precious commodity - time - in the process. You know, life can be tricky to live sometimes and going off course can be something that happens before you ever realize what took place. I came to a realization this weekend: I'm way off course. I was so focused last year, so sure of what I was doing and where I was going, and now I feel hopelessly lost, confused as to which direction to take and unsure of myself and my ability to make proper judgments at this time. BUT, those are only feelings; there is a greater truth to the situation. The truth is that Jesus said He would never leave me or forsake me, even when I take side roads that lead me off course, and He knows which direction I should be heading in and His Spirit is my guide, helping me get back on track and start heading in the right direction again. Whenever I find myself in a mess or in a situation that is not good I always ask myself how I got there and what could I have done to have prevented it. I asked the Lord this morning why I had to go through what I am going through and why things went the way they did, what was He trying to teach me through all of it. His response was that things went the way they did because I have been pretending for so long that I am a whole, complete person, totally satisfied with Jesus, when in reality I am not. I have allowed hurt, scars, emotions and desires to be my lord instead of Jesus. I have looked to people to fill my needs rather than to the One Who is most able to do so. I have spent so much time trying to not be needy rather than just facing the fact that I am and letting Jesus heal me. It's a hard thing to do, a hard thing to admit, but there it is. When Jesus becomes more precious to me than anything on this earth, and I can find my total completion and wholeness in Him, then I will be a complete person, not lacking in any area and no longer susceptible to being run by the people and things around me. I have known for quite some time that I was in desperate need of healing in several areas of my life, but I have not really allowed the Lord to heal me completely. I have looked to people and circumstances to help me, and they fail every time because they cannot do what only my Heavenly Father can do. So, now I am facing things head on, repenting for the things I know I have done wrong and the ways I have helped hurt myself, asking Jesus to heal every part of me that is broken and in need of healing, surrendering every area of my life to Him to do with as He pleases, and learning how to truly lean on the everlasting arms, resting safe and secure in Him.

Nothing Left to Say

What do you say when there is nothing left to say? When you've cried all you can, prayed all you can, thought all you can and said everything you can what do you do? It would appear that being silent is the only option left. Sometimes it is good to talk things over and a lot can be said for keeping the lines of communication open, but there are times when silence is the best option. There are times when communication won't change anything, won't help anything, and could possibly cause more problems and thus is better left out. I'm at that point right now. I wish I could just turn everything off for at least a week and not have to deal or interact with anyone, or at least not be in certain situations with certain people. It's funny: I have quite the imagination and I am known for thinking through every possible scenario every situation could present before I decide on anything, but somehow I am always blindsided by the one thing I never thought about; the one scenario I never imagined myself being in and yet here I am. How I wish my imagination could have prepared me for some of the things I've experienced. But, alas, it hasn't and I am still presented with them and left to deal with them, and deal with them I will. My outlook on things and my view of things has changed considerably in certain areas but now I am spent and there is nothing left to think, nothing left to say. I am tired of the things going round and round in my mind, tired of the things that hurt and prick me with every thought of them, tired of fighting the waves of pain and frustration that seem to intermittently roll over me. I'm tired and I have no desire the speak. So, I'm going to quit. I'm going to step back from all the craziness and wearisome things that have been happening and I am going to take a much-needed break. I don't know how long the break will last or if I will even return in some ways, but I know that when there is nothing left to say and nothing left to do the best thing is to just not say or do anything. I know that nothing comes from nothing and I do not expect the silence to work any great magic but perhaps the solitude will help relieve the pain and bring into focus some of the many things that right now appear so out of focus.

My Future

The summer is here, it is hotter than anything outside and I am glad that the chaos that could describe my life for the past four months is finally over. Sure, I am still busy and there are still a million and one things to do, but there is a lot less stress, and I am more than thankful for that. My future is a little unclear right now, but I am sure which direction I am heading, so that is comforting. My plans for the summer have changed about fifty times, but they are finally starting to take shape and I am looking forward to the next three months. In approximately two weeks I will be older than I care to admit, but even that isn't as bad as it used to be. I have decided to reapply for graduate school and it will be a struggle all the way, but I want this more than anything right now and I am willing to fight for it. I am looking at a couple of programs and staying open to anything interesting that might come my way. I am going to take the GRE again, which means more studying, but I will actually be glad for the opportunity to keep my mind occupied with something academic. I'm not sure yet if I am going to take classes this fall, but if I do it will only be two at most. Life has been, uh, interesting, to say the least, for the past few months and I am finally too tired to worry about anything. What will be will be and there isn't a need to spend good energy and time worrying about how to change things it is not in my power to change. Looking back at my life a year ago, I can say that I have come a long way and I feel like I have learned so many things, two of which most stand out: I am in such great need of a savior and Jesus is such a great savior. I feel like I am at a point where something new is starting in my life. I'm not sure where it will take me, but I am confidant that Jesus will be with me every step of the way and His Spirit will guide me as each bend of the road presents itself and I must make a decision as to which way I will go.

*About Me* I have found that I have a tendency to be extremely pessimistic. Shocked?! I'm sure most of those who truly know me know this is true. The main problem with this is that when I am relating things to people they tend to only hear the bad and never know how much good there really is. I could fairly complain about many things is my life, and I usually complain about more than what is fair, but that leaves out all the amazing things that have happened in my life. I've been thinking the past few days about various things in my life and looking back I can say that for almost every bad thing that has happened there has been something equally as good that has happened. In so many ways I have been blessed beyond measure and that is what I want people to see in my life. It's hard to not focus on the bad sometimes, but I have definitely come to the conclusion that it is so much better to focus on the good and let the bad go. So, here's to me learning to be non-pessimistic!