About My Week

It's been an interesting week for me. I would say that it's been a little on the rough side but there have been many good things in it too. I had things happen this week that I was not expecting at all and to be quite honest, they really irritated me, but I did learn some things this week. To start off, I learned that God is indeed a merciful God and He is always watching out for me. I had several things I needed to get done and I was not feeling confident about them at all. I was really wanting to give up and just say I couldn't do it, it was too much to handle. Somehow, though, in the midst of it all I found the strength to push myself and to keep going, and now I am really glad I did. I had great news in my classes, which really encouraged me, and I saw again what great friends and family I have, which helped get past some things that I have been personally struggling with. I had a bit of a fiasco at my house this week, but even in that the Lord was so faithful to make provisions and give me just what I needed in that time. I am so thankful for the friends He provided and that He took care of the situation. I have to admit that it was hard for me to look at the glass as "half full", but I decided that I needed to, and now I am glad I did because it really was half full. I have realized about myself that I have learned numerous bad habits over the past several years of my life. Maybe it was my environment and maybe it was my proclivity towards certain weaknesses. Whatever the case, the habits are there and they need to be broken. I know this with my head, but when it comes time to doing something about it or making an active decision to make a change I shy away from what is difficult. I usually resort to what it comfortable, to what is habitual. This week, I think I won a battle in that fight. I realized that knowing you have a problem and not doing anything about it will not solve anything. You have to face it and deal with it, even when that feels extremely unpleasant. I didn't want to remain positive when my house was torn up, or when I was really missing my family, or when I felt like things right now are really hard to deal with; but I made a decision to do so, and now I am really happy I did. There have been a lot of good outcomes this week, despite all the frustrating things, and the good is what I choose to focus on. My house is a bit torn up, sure, but I get new walls and new paint out of it! I miss my family very much, but it will not always be this way and I can continue to work so that it doesn't stay this way. I don't like my crazy schedule and the fact that there is never enough time to do what I want and need to and to see the people I want to see, but it won't always be that way and I can get through this relatively short time of discomfort in order to obtain a goal that is far better. So, despite my crazy week I am feeling much more optimistic and encouraged as I start to face a new week. I know that learning to be positive and focusing on the good rather than the bad is not something learned overnight, but at least I have a good start and I am sticking with it. =D

A Triumph

I knew I needed to go, and I even wanted to go, but still I was hesitant. The thought of going to the gym, any gym, by myself was a terrifying one. I know that many will see that an in irrational fear and wonder what my problem is, but that doesn't stop it from being there. I don't like public places and lots of people, especially when I am feeling most vulnerable. I think that exercising and working out are probably the areas where I am weakest. I have a hard time working on these things when I am alone and the thought of having to do it in front of people, not to mention people who are staring at you, is not a pleasant one for me. Sure, I can ignore them and do what I have to do, but it takes a lot for me to do it. I know that I need to conquer this in order to do the things I need to do to be healthy, but most of my attempts have failed. I usually back out and give in to the fear, and find myself either staying home and doing exercises that do half of what I need or, worse yet, not doing anything at all. I want to do something about this. I have been thinking about it for weeks. This time, I was determined to succeed. I planned it the night before. I took steps to keep myself from backing out. I packed my things and made sure that I had everything so that there would be no excuse to not go. I had talked about this for a long time. I needed to do it. I kept telling myself that it wasn't that big a deal, trying to reassure myself that the task I was about to attempt was something I could do. As I grabbed my bag and headed out the door that morning I was still wondering if I would go through with it. Maybe I would just forget it and come home. I could always do my exercises at home. No, there would be workers at my house that day and I would not be able to exercise there. That was probably a good thing. All morning at work I kept thinking about it. I wanted to be successful but I was scared that I would give up and not go through with it. I kept looking at my bag. I had everything I needed; I just needed to go. I sat through class thinking about it. I thought about just forgetting it for the day. I told myself that I could always do it another day. I then quickly reminded myself that I had said that an hundred times and I still hadn't done it. Class ended and I knew I had to make myself do this. I shouldered my bag and started the trek across campus to the gym. Everything inside me wanted to walk the other way, towards my car, towards my comfort zone. I kept putting one foot in front of the other and finally arrived at the gym.  I walked through the doors, signed in, and headed for the machines.  I started my workout with little to no enthusiasm, but this was a battle with myself, not the exercise equipment.  I found myself to be a fierce foe.  Throughout the entire 45 minutes I was there my body kept telling me to quit.  But I pressed on.  When the timer on the elliptical went off and I stepped down onto hard floor again, I smiled.  I did it!  I beat myself, and that felt good.

A Glimpse At What I've Been Up To

So I have started back to school and life is a bit interesting these days. I have been so busy I haven't had much time for posting. Now I have a moment, so I will try to fill you in, but beware, this threatens to be a lengthy post. My first day back was a bit overwhelming. My tram was late getting me to class and the swarms of kids EVERYWHERE was just about more than I could handle. It rained that day and I got drenched, what fun! I tried to find my way around and get my textbooks in the bookstore and that turned into a very long time of waiting in line. I truly felt like a little fish in a big sea. What was even more interesting to me was that I felt like a prehistoric fish next to all these fresh young tadpoles. It was a different experience for me. All that first week I noticed things that distanced me from my much younger classmates. I was annoyed by the girl sitting next to me in class who insisted on writing checks to pay all her bills while the lecture was going on. Her constant rustling of papers was so distracting! The girls who sat several seats down from me were continuously clacking on their keyboards as they Facebooked and messaged their friends during the lecture. I was quite put out by all this as I found it so hard to concentrate on what the professor was saying rather than notice what these students were doing. I have learned how to ignore them in the past three weeks, but I must say that I am shocked anew almost every week at the rude and disruptive behavior exhibited by quite a few students. Throughout these past few weeks I have relearned what it means to have homework due, quizzes and exams pending and papers to write. There has been so much to do and it has taken me a while to get back into the groove of being a student. I can say, though, that I am enjoying what I am learning. This semester has afforded me an incredible opportunity in research and I am enjoying every minute of it! Each week I have my interests sparked again and my curiosity peaked as I look at the world of language and neurological processing. My three hours of research work every Wednesday morning are the highlight of my academic week, and I would venture to say my week in general.
Apart from school there have been other tings happening, mostly unpleasant. Work has proven to be an enormous thorn in my side in more ways than one and I am finding that I have to learn and re-learn new ways of separating my work life and demeanor from my personal life and demeanor. It's a tough task for sure, but I am committed to learning how to do it. I have also been sick for the past week, and I mean really sick. It has been so frustrating! To be sick is unpleasant in and of itself, but it fell on a really bad week for me. I missed homework assignments and an exam and then had to turn in homework and take an exam in less than prime condition. It has been rough for me, but I survived it and now I am moving on. On the personal front, I am still more in love than I could have ever imagined possible and I think it's great! My Mr. Darcy is my best friend and one of my strongest supporters. He always pushes me to achieve more and do better and he truly believes that I can do it. I don't know if that is blind enthusiasm or a justified faith in me, but I love him for it. One of my best friends just had a baby and I am thrilled to once again have a little person in my life to brighten things up. I have eagerly volunteered to babysit the new guy and I am more than excited to spend time with him.
There really is quite a bit going on in my life at this moment. There are so many decisions to make that I can't quite keep up with all of them, but at some point I will have it all nailed down; at least what I need for right now. This semester has started with a bang - lots to do and experience and so many more challenges that I ever wanted, but it is a crucial time for me and I am excited to see what will happen. I think I can say with some confidence that by the end of the year I will have made some life-altering decisions and will have walked through some doors that will take me down paths I have never yet traveled.

A Lesson

I learned something this past week, or maybe I just became aware of something. There is a person that I deal with on a regular basis that I do not really enjoy being around. This person seems to be quite ridiculous at moments when you are really hoping that they will not be, and they seem to love a good drama, and they are completely impractical about just about everything, and . . . I could go on and on; but I won't. Suffice it to say that I find this person one of the most irritating individuals I have to work with and I am not at all happy that I have had to deal with them for so long. That said, I realized something this week. That person, as irritating as they are, has something that I cannot say I possess - a very tender heart towards people you are not acquainted with. I can be a very tender-hearted person and get great joy out of doing things for those I love. However, I cannot say that I have a very tender heart towards those I do not really know. I am not mean, just a bit indifferent. I work in customer service and I hate it. Yes, customers can be pushy and rude and hard to deal with, but that is not the only reason I do not like my job. I don't like being pleasant and happy and actually caring about someone I don't really know. I know that sounds incredibly harsh of me and very selfish, but I think it is the truth, however ugly it may seem. I realized this past week that for all of the annoying, irritating qualities my bothersome person may have, they have a very tender heart. They will go the extra mile and help just about anyone, and for that I have to give them some credit. I think they really have a desire to help people and give them comfort when they are in need of it. Perhaps I "have it together" in areas this individual does not, but I could definitely learn a thing or two from them in this area; and in some ways I think I already have.