My Journey Thus Far

I am so excited about the things the Lord is doing in my life! He has been so wonderful to me and truly I am blessed. Two years ago I started on a journey to receive healing. I was in desperate need of some help but I didn't know what to do about it. I felt the Lord leading me to make some very radical changes in my life and to step out in a direction that was completely and totally unfamiliar to me. I was very apprehensive and I knew my decisions would be costly in so many ways, yet the Lord had made it so clear to me that I needed to do this in order to receive healing. The choice was mine to make but it was much like the choice to live with a disease, watching it slowly kill you, or to seek a treatment that would be long and painful in the hopes of curing the disease. I chose the treatment and it has been hard for me. These past two years have been some of the most difficult I have ever experienced, but they have also brought me more joy that I thought imaginable. With each step on this journey I have grown closer and closer to receiving the healing I need and I have been amazed at how the Lord seems to provide the people at the right time to bring into my life the changes that are necessary. Over the past two years I have seen the love of God like I have never seen it before and have come to know Him as the loving, gentle Father He is. My journey has led me to new places and new experiences and at times I have felt so lost and unsure of where to go or what to do, but He has always been there to guide me. Moving to Colorado was a bug decision for me; one of the biggest I've ever made. It was not a popular decision and I faced much opposition from those closest to me, but I knew I must come. I knew it was the next step for me in my healing process. I knew this even though I did not know how it would all work or what I would experience once I got here. I just had a very calming peace that this decision was the right one for me. Since being here I have seen the Lord do so many amazing things and I have been excited to see where He will lead me next and what else He will do. My surroundings have been the best therapy and treatment one could ask for. Things here are so peaceful and I have had numerous opportunities to just sit and observe God's wonderful creation around me. Nature reminds me of who God is and what He is capable of. Those reminders are the comfort I need as I go through this healing process. In the last four weeks here the Lord has led me to a place that I can call my spiritual home and I have been so blessed to be there. Today as I sat in church and listened to what the Lord was doing in the lives of others in my church and how He was speaking to the pastor I felt Him whisper in my soul that this was my place for healing. My two years of wandering a winding trail have led me to this spot, this divinely appointed spot, where I can receive the help and healing that I need and where I can grow in the grace and knowledge of my Lord. All the stops along the way and people I have encountered on my journey thus far have helped lead me here and I am so very thankful for them. I told my Mr. Darcy when we first moved here that it seemed as though some master plan had been spread out before us and we were merely following the steps in that plan, yet it was not a plan that we had laid out or designed. Only God, in all His sovereignty could have designed such a plan and executed it with the skill and mastery that we have witnessed. If this is not a picture of the grace of God in my life, I do not know what is. Truly I have been richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings I have come to take refuge.

Colorado

It's Fall here in Colorado and I am amazed each day at the beauty unfolding around me. The trees are turning colors ranging from bright golden yellow to deep burgundy. It's absolutely gorgeous! I have been riding my bike to school at least four times a week and it is so cool to ride through a path of trees with their leaves lit up with the wonderful Fall colors. I feel like I have been transported to some heavenly realm. :) I now understand why people who live in areas that have Fall, love it so much. It has also been very cold here and I am having to adjust. Yesterday morning I rode my bike in 40 degree weather and my body was not at all happy about it. It was quite possibly the worst bike ride I have ever been on. My ears ached from the cold for a full hour after the ride and I coughed the entire day as my respiratory system tried to adjust to weather below 60 degrees. This morning I woke up with just the slightest hint of a cold, but it is nothing I can't handle. I was sick last week with some strange bug that made me feel gross but didn't have any strong symptoms. It took me three days to get over, but I got to rest a lot and I am much better now. Life here in CO has been great and I am finding myself settling in with much ease. I truly love it here. I am so excited to see the seasons and experience the changes that will happen. I'm even a little excited to live somewhere that has snow during the winter. Maybe I won't be saying the same things a year from now, but I have a hunch I will. Colorado seems to be a place out of a storybook. Like the far off lands I read about as a child and wished so badly I could go to. It's so quaint and almost perfect. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I am really living here, if this place really exists. But it does and I am so glad it does. Colorado has become my home away from home, my wonderful hiding place from the craziness of life.

Some Feelings

It's been over a week since I posted and I have that writing bug that won't let me be until I spill my guts on paper, or the internet in this case. It's been a rough week for me. There have been family issues that are beyond difficult that I have had to deal with and there have been school and clinic issues that have not been pleasant. However, there have also been rays of beautiful sunshine that have filled my life in the last week, and have created a nice sort of balance for me. I was Aspen this past weekend and was completely awed by the vast natural beauty there. It's no wonder people love to go there. It's absolutely gorgeous up there. Honestly, I could not sum it up into words if I tried my best. Mr. Darcy and I visited Maroon Bells, which are two of Colorado's 14,000 ft. peaks. The trip was one of the best I have ever had. The mountains are so beautiful and imposing and the scenery is breathtaking. It's so serene and peaceful, so inviting. I felt as though I could sit by the lake and just gaze upon the mountains for the rest of my life. I found myself saying, "You did good, God," as I looked around me. It was absolutely wonderful. I had to return from my sweet repose and start my classes again. It was hard to return, but necessary. This weeks classes have been very demanding with piles of readings and studying and homework to do. I awoke this morning not wanting to go to school at all. I tried to get up and a sick feeling kept pulling me back to my bed. I was so tired and so worn out. I decided to call Mr. Darcy and see what he had to suggest. He talked me out of bed and offered to drive me to school so I could get there on time. He was wonderful. Seeing him and letting him push me along was a big help in getting me started on this important day for me. I needed to go to school, but I had no drive to do so. I am so thankful for him and all he does to help me. On a side note, I am wearing jeans today that I have tried to fit into for over a year. I am so proud of the fact that I have been able to start on the road of getting in shape and am starting to see real results. Hooray me!!! So, I made it through this day and am almost done with the week. Although it's been a bit on the rough side and I am somewhat tattered from it I have learned some things and have a better perspective of what I need to do to succeed here in my new life. This in encouraging to me because it means I have not suffered in vain and I am still excited about what this new life has to offer me.

Thoughts

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog or even cares about it but I need to write and that's what it's for anyway. So if you're out there, great! If not, oh well. It's been one of those days (weeks is probably more like it) and I am really low right now. It's not that everything is terrible; it's not. For the most part my life is fantastic right now, but there are some key areas where things are not so rosy and they are really getting to me. I find it hard to understand why people can believe certain things and behave in certain ways and this is a real struggle for me. I need to be able to understand why things are happening; yet, sometimes that does not appear to be possible. When I don't understand I feel powerless to change the situation and frustrated with beating what seems to be a brick wall. I hate that! I hate when things are so crazy that all you can do is step back and ask "why?" It doesn't help when they are crazy to the point where you can't really share them with too many people lest you be viewed as insane or worse yet 'abnormal' (roll eyes). I just get sick of feeling like I have to pretend all the time. I want to be a strong person who can push through things and act as though they don't affect me, but the truth is they do, and they do in a big way. I'm affected. There, I said it. If that makes me weak, I'm sorry. At least it's the truth. I'm affected when my family treats me like I'm not family and attempts to wage holy war on me in order to achieve their twisted ideals of righteousness. I'm affected when years of bad decisions that I was coerced into making continue to have negative consequences today, consequences that I can't seem to get away from. I'm affected when I need a shoulder to cry on and the closest one can only seem to lecture me on how to be a better person. I'm affected. I hurt. Still, somehow I am supposed to pretend that things are fine and I am not affected. I am supposed to put a smile on my face and keep right on going. I am not supposed to say to the person who says, "How are you?", "I'm terrible. And yourself?" No, that would never do. I am not supposed to show what is really going on. We don't do that. Society demands that we continue to play the roles allotted us in the time frames given and no one has time to stop for someone who can't seem to handle it all. What a world we live in. I wish I could change it; but I can't. So, I will pick myself up and keep trying to pretend that I can 'handle' it. Maybe some day I will get the hang of it.