How Do You.........?

How do you deal with a world you feel like is spinning out of control? How do you plan for a future that feels uncertain? How do you keep going when you're not sure where you are going? How do you take the next step when you don't know what the next step is or where it will take you? How do you forget what you have experienced and focus on who and what you are today when the experiences of the past helped shape who you are? How do you let go of the things that have become so much a part of you? How do you let someone go when you love them so much? How are you to pretend that things don't hurt when they very much do? How do you pretend life is a bed of roses when it is a path of thorns and thistles? How do you learn to avert your gaze from all that is wrong and focus on the things that at least appear to be right? How do yo learn what is enough and what is too much? How do you live? How do you tell those you love the most that you must part ways and go separate paths? How do you stop missing them and wanting them to still be on the same path as you? How do you learn to make new ties when the wounds from the old ties are still very real? How do you keep telling the truth when everything around you seems to be lies and deception? How do you learn to distinguish reality from ideals? How do you determine what you can actually do and what is an elusive dream you are constantly reaching for? How do you tell someone they mean the world to you without letting them think they own you? How do tell someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them when they don't want to hear it? How do you relate what you want or need without making someone feel obligatory towards you? How do you learn to fit into the social "norms" that are expected of you when you have spent twenty plus years just being you? How does someone see you as you are and like that but then want you to be someone else? How do you change as you need to without being untrue to who you really are? How do you decide what change is good and necessary and what it not? How do you learn to live in a new place, in a new environment when you feel like a visiting alien?

Tonight

I am sitting at home eating an amazing bowl of spaghetti, watching my favorite show and enjoying my first bit of sunshine for the day. Yes, that's right, my day's been a bit of a disaster. I suppose I shouldn't complain because everyone has one at some point or another. I just wish I didn't seem to have them quite so frequently these days. I have been telling myself for the last month that after January life will be much better; I just never took into account that building up to that point would be so stressful. Oh well, at least I have my spaghetti. =D My last semester ended well. It was really tough but when all was said and done I was more than happy with the outcome. Then I had an amazing two week break. I went to the Eastern United States and had such a wonderful time. I saw so many great things and meet so many fascinating people as well as see family and old friends. I had the greatest surprise ever when the love of my life made one of my all-time dreams come true. He took me to the New York City Ballet to see the Nutcracker. It was so beautiful! I have never been happier in my life. I also went into the New England countryside and there was snow and everything was so storybook like. I was literally in a winter wonderland for two whole weeks. I was sad to leave it but I was happy to return home. When I got back, there were several things waiting for me that I had to take care of. It seems the month of January had multiple things planned for every single day of the month. *Sigh* Among those things to take care of were graduate applications and the beginning of school. I am half done with the month and I still have so much to do!!!! But, tonight I am recovering from my horrendous day and not feeling bad about doing so. I have homework to do and things that are due, and they will get done, but tonight I am resting. Hmmm. Guess that's all for now.

Unfinished Poem

The look of a newborn baby
The kiss of two lovers
The warmth of a family
The love of parents.

These are all beautiful things.
Their beauty is sometimes tangible
Sometimes not, but they are
Unarguably beautiful.

The touch of the one you love
The embrace of a grandparent
The caress of a tender child
The arms of a dear friend.

These are all beautiful things.
Their beauty is sometimes tangible
Sometimes not, but they are
Unarguably beautiful.

I have always known beauty tinged with pain.
I want to know beauty as it is, alone.

Catch Up

I know it's been FOREVER since I posted. Life has been busier than I have wanted it to be, but at least I am almost done with the craziness. I knew this past few weeks would be hectic, but that didn't make it any easier to get through. Now, I am almost done and I am certainly glad I am. It has been a lot of hard work to get things done. I can't even believe the amount of stress I have been under. One thing I can say, though, is that most of the hard work has paid off and I am in a pretty good place right now. That sense of satisfaction is really gratifying. I am finishing up the semester and hope to get good grades in all my classes. I took the GRE again, and while I wasn't thrilled with my score, it was a definite improvement from the last time I took it. Plus, from what I can find, the score will be good enough for any of the places I am applying. So, while I wish I had done better, I am happy that the score was good enough and that the burden of that is lifted from my shoulders. There are so many other things going on right now, but I will have to fill you in later. I am wrapping up my finals for this semester this week. I took one today and was NOT happy about it. The exam was nothing like any test or quiz we had had this semester. This class has been a pain in my neck all semester, but at least I did learn some things from it. Hopefully I will do well enough on the final to give me my desired grade. I have another final tomorrow, which I am happy to say I only need to take it to get the grade I want in that class and then one more at the end of the week. After that, I am off for a two week vacation and all I can say is HOORAY!!!!!!! This has been a long time coming and I am so excited about it. I can hardly wait! Hopefully there won't be any flight delays or any such troublesome thing happen and the trip will be everything I imagine it will be. I promise to post again this week. For now, that's it!