Life

Life is always so interesting. There is always something going on, something happening. I am thankful that these days the stress is a lot less but I am still busy as ever. It seems that life is a never ending cycle of coming and going, living and learning. I am happy, though. I like what I am doing and I feel like I can handle the things that are on my plate at the moment. I have had some really wonderful experiences and I am hoping to have more. The sense of excitement that I have right now is wonderful. I am looking at some major changes but I am at peace about it. Perhaps that is because I am completely assured that I have sought the guidance of the Lord the whole way through and I will continue to do so. I hope that I will always continue to learn through the experiences I have and the things I go through in life. Otherwise, what is the point of going through them? Even the unpleasant things have a way of teaching you invaluable lessons and after the fact you find yourself being thankful that you had the opportunity to learn. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I am thankful for the things that keep me busy and thankful for the life experiences I have had. I feel that I have learned a lot and would not be the person I am today were it not for those experiences. I know that sometimes I grow tired and wish I could put everything on pause but I can't, and for the first time in a very long time I am alright with that.

An Observation

He quietly sits and listens while you tell your stories - stories of personal failures, stories of frustration and anger, stories of hopes and dreams that you hold near to your heart, stories of struggles that you have, stories of the past and the present. As you talk he simple sits and listens. He waits patiently for you to finish, to have your say. Then, when you are done, he looks at you and with gentleness he imparts wisdom. He gives you good advice and offers comfort - not comfort that is tangible, but so very real nonetheless. He assures you in the things you do that are right and encourages you to press on in making right decisions. He seems to never tire of telling you the truth and helping direct you in the right way. His voice is full of love and gentleness and his eyes are tenderly pleading with you to listen to him. There have been times when I have wondered if perhaps my voice was not a noisy gong or grating sound to his ears, if my complaints and annoyances were not like a house guest that has overstayed his welcome. If they are he does not let on that it is so. I have wondered if he ever notices that he gives the same advice over and over again when it often goes unheeded. Does it bother him that he offers the same answer to the same question each time it is asked? Does he ever get tired of his role? If he does, he does not show it. He has more patience that just about anyone else I have ever met. I have on occasion seen him loose his temper but it was only after it had been provoked numerous times without cessation. I must admit, when I step back and observe him I am in awe of the qualities I see but I know that those qualities did not come easily. They were worked at over years of hard trials and many testings. They are the refined products of a Master Refiner. I have my own trials and testings that seem to be almost nonstop, and many times I wonder what if anything they are accomplishing. I do hope, though, that one day I will be able to look back at where I have been and where I am and realize I have at least some of the same qualities I see in him. It would be a blessing indeed.

A Reflection

Sometimes life seems so hard. Sometimes it can even seem impossible to maintain a proper view of things. I have often wondered why it seems that some of the simplest things turn out to be the most difficult and many times impossible to grasp. The only conclusion of sorts that I have come to is that those things are, most of the time, connected to people and people are flawed. You cannot make someone see the truth of a situation, or the light that is so blatantly glaring at them, or even the giant cliff that they are edging towards. In your perspective it should be fairly easy to see or realize, but it isn't. In your mind's eye the simple rules of the universe and human kind are just that, simple. But for others they are not. I don't think that it is because the rules aren't really simple; rather, I think it is our perspective and point of view that makes them simple or even visible for that matter. Still, it is baffling to me that someone cannot grasp the simple themes of life such as family bonds and lasting relationships. There are some that claim it is society and the culture of our day that leaves people so clueless as to what is truly valuable and what is not. I would argue that is not the case. As I look over history and examine the Scriptures, it seems to me that there has always been this struggle between what is truth and what is not. There have been so many things presented as truth that were nothing more than deceit in its most malicious form. There have always been people or ideologies that have tried to corrupt the fundamental laws and truths that God set in place when He created this world. Throughout history there have been those who have carelessly discarded, and sometimes purposefully tried to stomp out, those things such as the family unit, an adherence to truth, and living by the code of putting others before yourself. The interesting thing is that life will never be pleasant or even fulfilling without these things. These are rules that God has made an inherent part of the universe and how it runs. If you try to ignore those rules, things don't run right. It doesn't matter if you are a person devoid of any relationship with God or you are a supposedly religious person who acknowledges God. The rules are the same for everyone and everyone is affected when we don't live by them. What is perhaps most sad, in my opinion, is that there are so many so called 'enlightened' people who are so unenlightened. Those who parade around as 'the voice of God' and yet cannot even live by the simplest of God's commands. They trump the value of the family, rely on deceit to further themselves, and live in a world of self-adoration while proclaiming that they are living the Bible to it's fullest extent. More ironically still, they cannot see that the path behind them is filled with the carcasses and decrepit bodies of those murdered and maimed by their actions and the stench of it is inescapable. Yet, they only see flowers and beautiful landscapes and smell perfume that is not there. They have lived in deceit for so long they have deceived themselves. It would seem that the truth was blatantly obvious and that it is so simple to realize what is really there, but for some reason it is not. Sadly, it is even more difficult to make those following on the path behind to realize that they are stepping over the bones of those who have fallen on the same path and that the ultimate end is a drop off, not eternal bliss. Still, they cannot see it, or will not see it. And one is left to wonder why the simple things, the most obvious things are sometimes the hardest to see.

How Do You.........?

How do you deal with a world you feel like is spinning out of control? How do you plan for a future that feels uncertain? How do you keep going when you're not sure where you are going? How do you take the next step when you don't know what the next step is or where it will take you? How do you forget what you have experienced and focus on who and what you are today when the experiences of the past helped shape who you are? How do you let go of the things that have become so much a part of you? How do you let someone go when you love them so much? How are you to pretend that things don't hurt when they very much do? How do you pretend life is a bed of roses when it is a path of thorns and thistles? How do you learn to avert your gaze from all that is wrong and focus on the things that at least appear to be right? How do yo learn what is enough and what is too much? How do you live? How do you tell those you love the most that you must part ways and go separate paths? How do you stop missing them and wanting them to still be on the same path as you? How do you learn to make new ties when the wounds from the old ties are still very real? How do you keep telling the truth when everything around you seems to be lies and deception? How do you learn to distinguish reality from ideals? How do you determine what you can actually do and what is an elusive dream you are constantly reaching for? How do you tell someone they mean the world to you without letting them think they own you? How do tell someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them when they don't want to hear it? How do you relate what you want or need without making someone feel obligatory towards you? How do you learn to fit into the social "norms" that are expected of you when you have spent twenty plus years just being you? How does someone see you as you are and like that but then want you to be someone else? How do you change as you need to without being untrue to who you really are? How do you decide what change is good and necessary and what it not? How do you learn to live in a new place, in a new environment when you feel like a visiting alien?

The Rain

It's rainy today and it's beautiful. I love Tucson in the monsoon season. I love to hear the rain as it falls and watch the lightening streak across the sky. I love to hear the thunder and feel it vibrate my very being as it rumbles in the dark sky. I love the rain, especially Tucson summer rain! It's great. Such a blessing. I'm so glad the Lord saw fit to bless us with storms. They are so beautiful and such a great tangible reminder of how wonderful God truly is. I am sitting here remembering how much I posted last summer on the rain and realizing how little I have said about it this summer. Perhaps the rain and storms in my own life have kept me from noticing the magnificent natural occurrences happening all around me. Now, I am pausing to notice and I am thrilled that I have. It's always seemed a little odd to me how much I love the rain when so many see it as dreary and unwanted. I never have seen it that way. It has reminded me of tears a time or two and has seemed like a picture of the inner workings of my person at times, but it has never been a bad thing for me. I love the coolness that the rain brings, the sense of relief - like a long drink after a time of thirst - that it brings, and most of all I love how vibrant it makes the everyday colors and shapes that we see. A tree is just a tree in the sunlight; but darken the sky with clouds and let the rain fall and suddenly it is a vibrant mass of brown and green that seems to shout, "I am ALIVE!!!!" It's wonderful! There's nothing like it. I love to walk outside after it rains and notice the world around me. It never seems to be as vivid and plain to me as it is at that moment. The rain clears the fog and pollutants that cloud the atmosphere and hinder our clear vision of the world, and perhaps it clears our own eyes so that they are opened anew to the wonderful, beautiful world the Lord has created all around us. The rain and what it does is something I will always be thankful for and I am glad I have that reminder of just how beautiful and benevolent my wonderful Saviour is. He gives us rain to help us grow and to wash away all the debris that may cloud our vision. Yes, I love the rain!

A Good Man

One year ago if you had asked me my opinion of men you would have thought I was the most bitter, hateful person you ever met. I couldn't stand them. I thought that there was absolutely no hope for ever finding a descent man, let alone a good one, to even be friends with. The thought of just about every male I knew made me nauseated. I thought that no good men could exist because men were inherently bad. Ridiculous, I know, but suffice it to say I hated men. It took me a few months but I got over that and finally decided that there had to be at least one good man out there somewhere. They had to exist. Someone had to have raised their son right and actually brought him up to be a truly good man. I wasn't looking for a super-human man or someone without any flaws; just someone with a good heart and good values, strength of character, and deep down a good person. I never suspected that I would actually know such a man; perhaps hear about him or maybe cross his path and that was it, but I've met one. He's got his bad points, his flaws, bad habits, and weaknesses, but deep down he's a good man. He's tenderhearted, a great listener, a loyal friend, has a great mind, is respectful, and he actually thinks about things before he does something. Although he might not agree with me on this, he has old-fashioned values, when he doesn't let those around him talk him out of them. He values what is valuable, has little use for what is trivial and in so many ways he is a real man and not a boy masquerading as such. This is a big pill for me to swallow, but I want to do it. I spent so much time hating men and telling all my friends that no man was worth loving or caring about, much less even knowing, and now I would like to take that all back. They do exist. Perhaps not in the fairytale way that young girls dream of, but in a very real, tangible way. Somewhere in this great big world parents are still raising their sons to be real men, good men, and I'm so glad they are. So, Mr. Darcy, despite all your quirks and all the critiques I could make, I'm so glad I met you.

The Wilderness

Sometimes you go through a wilderness in life. When you first enter it you are not immediately aware that you are about to walk into a wilderness. You are just plodding along on your journey of life and when you suddenly become aware of your surroundings you realize that you are indeed in a wilderness. As you continue on in your journey you find that you have all that symptoms that accompany wilderness travel. You are thirsty and dehydrated, you are weary by your travels, and your desire to give up and not go one step further is at its highest point. I have been in a wilderness - physically, spiritually, mentally. This wilderness has been one that has lasted longer than any other I have experienced in my life. When I entered this wilderness I knew what I was doing, but I had no idea what I was about to experience. Fortunately, I had just gone through some things that helped prepare me for my wilderness journey. Yet, nothing could really have prepared me fully for what I was about to experience. The last few months have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. Truly, I have been in a wilderness. I have left everything I ever knew as "life" and started out on an exploration of what really living is. Of course there has been the good and the bad; I have met several amazing people and been reacquainted with old friends, and I have had to see the harsh unpleasant side of many a loved one. Sounds similar to life in general for most people. So, why am I saying it is a wilderness? Because for the past three months I have felt so lonely, so spiritually cut-off from my life-source, so afraid that every step I'm taking is the wrong step, and so much like an alien traveler in a far away universe. Perhaps that is silly to most of you, but, believe me, it is the only way to sum up what I have been going through. The hardest part has been the feeling that perhaps the Lord has abandoned me in the time of trial. There have been so many nights when I did not feel His presence, so many days when I wondered if He was anywhere in the vicinity. Where was He? Did He see what I was going through? Did He care that I was hurting and in desperate need of attention? Couldn't He feel what I felt and know how to help me? He had always been there before. He had never failed me yet, surely He would not start now. Still, I felt as though He had. I could not utter those thoughts or bring myself to say that it had happened, but it is how I felt. I kept trudging along, trying to take steps that would lead me out of this wilderness. There were days when I would faint from exhaustion and wake up to find myself in a place completely different from where I had fallen. How did that happen? How did I get where I am? Then, somehow, through the haze of heat-exhaustion and the bitterness of the wilderness I felt the Lord's presence. Yes, He was there, holding me up, stabilizing my weakened form. He was offering me cool water, pouring healing balm on my numerous wounds. Oh, how could I have doubted Him? He had always been there. He hadn't left me. Lying in the cool of the shade He provided, drinking of the living water He offered, I could see things more clearly now. It had been those darkest moments, those loneliest of nights when He was closest to me, holding me to Himself, keeping me safe. Yes, I could see now how He had brought certain people on my path, made so many provisions for me when there were none to be had. He had showered blessings down on me in the moments when I needed them most. He had cared for me and loved me when no one else could have done so. How silly of me to think that just because I couldn't see or feel Him that He had gone back on His promise to never leave me or forsake me. I know it is hard to trust as human beings, and that we erringly assume that He would be just like us; but He isn't. He is not even capable of being that way. He could never break His promise. To do so would be to go against His very nature and Who He is. He really is the Savior Who loves me enough to save me and keep on saving me.
I am still in the wilderness. I do not know how long it will last, but I do know that I have a different picture now of how I will get through it. I know that I am not alone; Jesus is always beside me. I know that there is nothing I can not handle with His help and that He is all the strength, courage, and sustenance I will ever need. There may be more dark, lonely nights ahead, but I have peace and an assurance that He is with me and will help me get through this wilderness and lead me on as I make this journey called life. He is my Good Shepherd and I will follow Him always because I know He will always take care of me.
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside the still waters,
He restores my soul.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for Thou are with me.
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
My cup runneth over.
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23

A Winter Wonderland

I went to Winterhaven last night with my dad. It's a neighborhood in which every house puts up lights and decorations for Christmas and people come from all over Tucson to see it. It's called the festival of lights and takes place every year. As a child I loved going to Winterhaven. It was so amazing to see all the lights and the many different ways people celebrate Christmas. Some of the houses have spectacular light displays and others use a mixture of lights and large figurines to decorate. There are very artistic displays and humorous displays, but almost everything is enjoyable to see. Last night was the first time I had gone since I was a teenager and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Looking at all the houses was not only fun but the memories it brought back were nice as well. I remember times when my dad would take just my sisters and I and we could drive as slow as we wanted through the neighborhood. I also remember times when we were packed in the care like sardines and my mom was begging my dad to not stop at every house and look for fear we might all suffocate from lack of oxygen. I also remember the few times we walked and it was soooo cold. This year I rode in a wagon and that was pretty cool. It was very cold, but it moved at a nice slow pace so you could see everything.
I had an interesting thought, though, as I left Winterhaven last night. Perhaps it wasn't necessarily how magnificent or amazing the lights displays were or how incredible the houses looked that made Winterhaven so special to me as a child. Perhaps it was the sense of closeness it brought to my family, the sense of family tradition that was born as each year we made our way to that neighborhood. Perhaps it was the cups of hot chocolate that we shared and the huddling together to stay warm that made the times as a child so precious to me. I know that last night it wasn't that Winterhaven was magical that made it enjoyable. It was being with my dad and having the opportunity to have him be a part of my life again that made last night special. The lights and decorations certainly made things nice, but for some reason, they weren't what I noticed most last night. I noticed most how much I've missed my dad and how glad I was that he was there with me last night. I could have been anywhere with him and it would have been a winter wonderland.

Morning Came

Truly God is so good. He met me today and turned all my sorrow into joy. I went to church wanting so desperately to experience the presence of God and He met me there. It was AWESOME and so incredibly amazing. It was just what I need. The songs so minstered to me. Here is a sample of the words that touched me:
A mighty fortress is our God; a bulwark never failing.
Our helper He amid the flood; of mortal ills prevailing.
For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe.
His craft and power are great and armed with cruel hate;
On earth is not his equal.
Did we in our own strength confide our striving would be losing.
Were not the right Man on our side; the Man of God's own choosing.
Doth ask who that may be? Christ Jesus it is He.
Lord Sabaoth His name from age to age the same,
And He must win the battle.

God is our refuge and strength, a present help in time of trouble.
Though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea
Though the waters roar and foam, we will not fear.

Fear not, my child, I'm with you always.
I feel every pain and every tear I see.
Fear not my child, I'm with you always.
I know how to care for what belongs to me.

When my way grows drear, Precious Lord, linger near.
When my life is almost gone, hear my cry, hear my call
Take my hand, Lord, lest I fall.
Take my hand, Precious Lord, and lead me home.
Precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, help me stand.
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn.
Through the storms and through the night lead me on to the light.
Take my hand, Precious Lord and lead me on.

Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord
To the cross where Thou hast died.
Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord
To Thy precious bleeding side.

Jesus is with me when the storm clouds gather.
He's standing by my side when I hear the thunder roll.
He holds my hand when I begin to tremble
When the winds of this world get to blowing strong.

Christ is the Rock on which I stand.
He keeps me safe from the sinking sand.
He pulls me up from the miry clay.
Christ is the Rock, He is the way.

The rest of the service was pretty great as well and my day was filled with the goodness of the Lord. It is always so great to experience the Lord coming to meet you just when you need Him most. I am so thankful and glad He never leaves us or forsakes us. He is always faithful and His love is always sure. He has met me in my time of need once again and I have renewed ability to face life.

Praise Through A Hard Time

It's been a hard weekend of sorts. My world has changed so drastically in the last three days that I hardly know which end is up and what to even think at times. My head has felt like it is spinning from all the changes and various goings on and by body feel like a wrung out rag from all the mental and emotional stress. But, God is still so good to me and I want to thank Him and praise Him for all the blessings He has bestowed on me, the wonderful and amazing things He has and is doing, and I am looking forward to the fulfillment of all the promises He has made. I was praying this evening and telling the Lord how I felt about the various things happening in my life right now and He reminded me of a passage of Scripture I hadn't read in quite a while. I looked it up and decided I would post it because it fits so well with my current mindset.
Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights. Habakkuk 3:17-19

My paraphrase:
Though my heart is aching with pain,
and my pillow is wet with tears;
Though my body quakes with sobs,
and my eyes hurt from crying;
Though my dreams lie shattered around me
and my hopes are badly crushed;
Though it seems my faith has failed me,
and my God has left me destitute;
Though the promise seems unfulfilled,
and the answer but a phantom;
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will worship the God Who is truly great!
He alone is my strength, my comfort;
and He restores my soul,
Giving new life where there was death,
renewing my strength when I am weak,
Giving comfort when sorrows abound,
drying my tears and increasing my faith.

I sang in a song in church today and it was such a comfort. The words to the chorus where much needed: "Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarm. Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms."
Jesus, help me lean on You so that I might be truly safe as I trust You to perform Your will.

Who I Am and Grace

Everyone has ideas about who they are and who they want to be, and everyone is who they really are whether they like it or not. There is a side to all of us that is unpleasant and, well, wicked. The Bible says we have all fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), which means that there isn't anyone who is perfect or who has never done, thought, or contemplated something wrong. Is that a harsh thing to say? Perhaps, but it is true. Deep down, when push comes to shove human beings will sink to their lowest and do their worst. Sure, there is a side to most people that is good (sort of) and there are people that seems to be filled with nothing but benevolence, but, deep down, even they have a bad side to them. Of course it is much easier to realize this about other people and never really face it about yourself. That's why when you do something wrong you label it as a "mistake" or a "bad decision" rather than a "sin" or something "wrong". It is so much easier to say that you did something because you used poor judgment than to say you did it because you are totally selfish and had nothing but bad motives driving your decisions. As hard as it is to face this, though, there is never really any help for you until you do, and that's what repentance is all about. God shows you what you are really like, how wicked and totally wrong you are and you turn to Him, acknowledge that He is right, ask Him for forgiveness, and ask Him to change you, and He does! I have experienced this many times in my life, but last night I had an especially real experience of this. There was something I was praying about and the Lord showed me what He thought of my actions, how He viewed my behavior and what was really going on in the situation, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. But, it did drive me to repent and ask the Lord to forgive me and help me rectify the situation. It's amazing how you can think you are so right, how innocent you think you are and then God steps in and shows you the truth and there is nothing left to hide behind, there is only His grace to fall on. The words to the famous hymn come to mind, more vivid at this point than ever before: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found; was blind, but now I see. Thank God He found me, opened my eyes and gave me the wonderful gift of His grace.

No Title

It's raining right now. There is a huge storm going on that has been going on for the past hour and a half. This is sort of unusual for Tucson, at least in the past 10 years, but it reminds me of what it used to be like here during the summer when I was a kid. I love it! I know, I know. I keep talking about the rain. I can't help it. It's been so long since we had a real monsoon season in Tucson. I had forgotten how great it is and how much I missed it. I'll stop now. Really, what I wanted to talk about was how amazing God is. I know it sounds so cliche to say God is awesome, but really, He is! It is incredible to see Him move and do things that only He could do. It's so easy to get caught up in what is going on in your life specifically and being so focused on yourself that you can't see anything else. Sometimes you can be so focused on one particular area of your life or one situation or problem that everything else becomes unimportant and you lose sight of how God is working and the things that He is doing. Taking a step back and reminding yourself that God sees the greater picture and is well able to work everything out for the good of everyone involved helps to open your persepective and see what God is doing. The past week has been an incredible experience with God. I have been able to see God move in so many ways, in so many areas, answering so many different prayers and just being the awesome God that He is. I just finished reading a book about someone I greatly admire and one of the main points of his story was that whether we see it or not, God is always working to bring about His plans and purposes in our lives. Even when things look so dim and you have to wonder where God is, He is still working, causing all things to work together for good. We make bad or even wrong decisions and we can mess things up, but He is indeed the Redeemer and He can work to turn even our mistakes and short comings into something wonderful. As I look back on my life and continue down this road that leads me closer to being the person God wants me to be, I am amazed and awed at how much God has delivered me from, how much He has blessed me, and how He has used my life and life experiences, even the bad ones, to work out His purposes and plans for my life. Only God could do what He has done for me and so many others I know. Truly, He has given me beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning. I am so thankful, so deeply thrilled (perhaps more than my words could ever express) that I am my Beloved's and He is mine.

SomeThoughts Not My Own

I've been doing a lot of reading lately and I've found so many things that are good thoughts from other people. Today I want to post some from Oswald Chambers.

Discipleship is based on devotion to Jesus Christ, not on adherence to a belief or a creed. "If any man come to Me and hate not . . . , he cannot be My disciple." There is no argument and no compulsion, but simply - If you would be My disciple, you must be devoted to Me. A man touched by the Spirit of God suddenly says - "Now I see Who Jesus is," and that is the source of devotion.
To-day we have substituted credal belief for personal belief, and that is why so many are devoted to causes and so few devoted to Jesus Christ. People do not want to be devoted to Jesus, but only to the cause He started. Jesus Christ is a source of deep offence to the educated mind of to-day that does not want Him in any other way than as a Comrade. Our Lord's first obedience was to the will of His Father, not to the needs of men; the saving of men was the natural outcome of His obedience to the Father. If I am devoted to the cause of humanity only, I will soon be exhausted and come to the place where my love will falter; but if I love Jesus Christ personally and passionately, I can serve humanity though men treat me as a door-mat. The secret of a disciple's life is devotion to Jesus Christ, and the characteristic of the life is its unobtrusiveness. It is like a corn of wheat, which falls into the ground and dies, but presently it will spring up and alter the whole landscape (John 12:24).

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friend." . . . "I have called you friends." John 15:13, 15

Jesus does not ask me to die for Him, but to lay down my life for Him. Peter said - "I will lay down my life for Thy sake" and he meant it; his sense of the heroic was magnificent. It would be a bad thing to be incapable of making such a declaration as Peter made; the sense of our duty is only realized by our sense of the heroic. Has the Lord ever asked you - "Wilt thou lay down thy life for My sake?" It is far easier to die than to lay down the life day in and day out with the sense of the high calling. We are not made for brilliant moments, but we have to walk in the light of them in ordinary ways. There was only one brilliant moment in the life of Jesus, and that was on the Mount of Transfiguration; then He emptied Himself the second time of His glory, and came down into the demon-possessed valley. For thirty-three years Jesus laid out His life to do the will of His Father, and, John says, "we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren." It is contrary to human nature to do it.
If I am a friend of Jesus, I have deliberately and carefully to lay down my life for Him. It is difficult, and thank God it is difficult. Salvation is easy because it cost God so much, but the manifestation of it in my life is difficult. God saves a man and endues him with the Holy Spirit, and then says in effect - "Now work it out, be loyal to Me, whilst the nature of things round about you would make you disloyal." "I have called you friends." Stand loyal to your Friend, and remember that His honour is at stake in your bodily life.

Something I learned from someone else: "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust also in Him and He will do it." Psalms. 37:4,5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 These two Scriptures both talk about trusting God. The Hebrew word for trust means to literally lie on the ground flat on your back. In other words you put yourself in a position where you are totally dependent on something else to hold you up and support you. To trust the Lord means to put myself in a position where I am totally relying on Him to support me and help me and I am leaning on Him, not using one bit of my own strength to accomplish anything. When I trust Him, He takes care of everything including my happiness. This is definitely something I am still working on but I am learning more how to do this day by day.

When Life Comes Back to Bite You

Have you ever done anything that you wish you never had? Most people would say yes. I know I have. The worst thing is when those things come back to bite you. Decisions you've made and things you've done don't always have an immediate result, but when the result comes it doesn't matter that it took longer to get there, it still hurts. The worst is when you do something that ends up hurting someone else. That's a double consequence. Not only are you hurt by what you did but you hurt someone else, possibly even someone you care about. Then you not only have to deal with trying to recover for yourself, but you want to help that other person recover as well. Sometimes, though, that isn't possible. There are some things we can't mend, some hurts we can't heal. There are some things that are unforgivable and some things that are unforgettable. There's a saying that time heals all wounds, but that isn't true. The wounds are just temporarily hidden and then they fester and grow until eventually they resurface in some way or another. The only thing to do is to treat them, to deal with them the best you can and let them really heal. Of course, there isn't much we can do to heal the wounds of others. We can offer support and try to be there for them and help them as much as possible, but ultimately they will have to be the ones to heal their wounds. I would say that many times this is not possible without the help of the Lord. Some wounds are just too deep for us to handle on our own, but nothing is too big for Him to handle. I have had many wounds in my life, some I didn't even know where there until recently. Dealing with those things has been really difficult, but I have asked Jesus to help me and with each scar I have had to face He has helped me deal with the underlying pain that brought it about. I know that no matter how big the hurt, and I have had some big ones, I can go to Him and when I'm in His presence there is healing. So when bad decisions come to fruition, whether they be mine or someone else's, at least I have the assurance that there is help for my hurt, peace for my mind, and healing for the deep wounds.

Scared

The one thing I most hate to admit is fear. I would have everyone believe that I am totally in control in every situation and that second guesses and fear never play a role in my decision making. That, however, is not the case. This is especially true in relationships. At the start I am so ready to dive in and form a connection with someone, but let them get a little too close and I pull back with much force. Why? Well, it depends on the person and the circumstances, but a lot of it is being scared. That's why I don't trust. I'm scared the person will walk out and leave me, scared I will want something more from them than they can give, scared I will be disappointed, and most of all, scared that once they really get to know me they won't want to have anything to do with me. Everyone can put on a facade and act like a nice person on the surface, but it's those who really know you, in all your glory and your shame, and still hang around that really care about you. I'm always scared that those people don't really exist in my life. So, I wander through life not becoming too connected with anyone until one day someone does care and then what do I do? More often than naught I push them away, unsure of what to do and too scared to move into uncharted waters. So what's the solution? At this point it is to stop, take a deep breath, and move forward - cautiously, but bravely. The unknown is only scary as long as it is the unknown and I am scared only as long as I allow fear to control me.

Who Am I and What Am I Doing In This World

I am sure that at some point in everyone's, or at least nearly everyone's life they question there existence on this planet. For what are we here and what are we to accomplish while here? There are those who see life as having no point and thus there is no reason for our existence and nothing to fulfill while on Earth. They believe we are here by happenstance and that it is mere chance that we began to breathe and in fact live. What a sad state that would be. If there is no point to our existence then why are we here? If there is nothing to accomplish, no ultimate goal we are to reach then what makes human life valuable or meaningful? What is the point of anything? Why would awards and honors be valuable, or faults and failings be looked down on? Why is there value in being loved and why should we love? Why strive to accomplish even the smallest semblance of success if there is no point to it all? I would argue that there is a point and a very good one at that. Human beings have value because God created them, each one, with an individual purpose in life to fulfill and He equips each one with the necessary features to accomplish that purpose. No person is the same or has the same purpose, thus, no person has all the same qualities and assets. No person can fulfill what another was intended to fulfill; only what they were designed to fulfill. My highest goal in life is to fulfill my purpose. It is the one thing that has stuck with me since I was very young. Since I met the Lord when I was 9 I have known that there was some reason I was here and I was determined to find it out and live it out. There have been many struggles, obstacles and times of intense doubt as I have striven to fulfill my purpose on this earth. I still don't know everything God has for me or to what lengths His will for my life will take me, but I am more determined than ever to go with Him all the way. I don't like failing or falling down as I run this race of life, but one thing I refuse to do is stay down and watch the race pass me by. Whatever dreams I may have, whatever desires may fill me, one thing I know for sure, if I will pursue God and His will for my life, He will give me the desires of my heart and do exceedingly, abundantly above and beyond all that I can ask or think. I just have to keep trusting that is true and keep striving, not giving up or allowing laziness and complacency to hold me back.
*About Me* The reason I am interested in voice disorders today is because of my own personal experience with them. Five years ago I was diagnosed with a polyp on my left vocal fold. I was put on voice rest for several months and when that didn't work I had surgery. This ordeal got me interested in the voice disorders and the more I looked into it the more fascinated I was. I started taking classes and found that there wasn't one I didn't like. All the material was so interesting. I loved the clinical work and I felt like, for the first time, I was where I belonged. I still feel that way, and I hope that never stops.

Catching Up

Okay. I know, I know, I know. I haven't posted in FOREVER, but I'm going to change that right now. At first I didn't have anything to write and then so much was happening I didn't have time to write. My life has been a true whirlwind the last week. I have seen God open so many doors and give me so many opportunities and I have also had to stop and reflect on things in my life and make some much needed adjustments. I will start from the beginning and try to relate it all as simply as possible so you all can catch up on my world and what has been going on with me. First, the new year started with family and friends, being with my church family. I was looking around the room as we all brought in the new year and thinking, "I wouldn't want to be any other place in the world. These are the people I care most about in the world, whom I identify with, who love me and care about me and are there for me through thick or thin when it matters most." Yes, I have friends and people that I care about that were not there, but those there are those that are truly my family. It reminds me of when Jesus said, "My mother and my brothers are those who do the will of God." My church family has been there for me through all the hard times in my life, they have challenged me to live up to the standards the Bible gives for Christian living, they have loved me when there was no one else to love me. They are truly my family.
Then I spent some time New Years Day with some old friends from school. We talked about music theory, teaching music, and our lives in general. It was good to see old friends and spend some time with close friends. Oh, and I slept until 10 that morning so I had lots of sleep. The rest of the week was back to work and tying up loose ends for the coming semester. I found out on Wednesday that I had been accepted for a new job (more pay, benefits) and then my supervising teacher offered me the opportunity of a life time- the chance to be involved in research and then work as a co-author for the published research. I am so excited and so thrilled to be a part of something that I love doing so much. This will give me the opportunity to learn as well as participate in an area of my field that I have as of yet not been a part of. I cannot express the excitement I feel. Last weekend was also one that was very fulfilling in my personal life. There were decision about old habits and relationships that I needed to make but have been avoiding. I was put in a position where I had to make those decisions and now I am so glad I did. There truly is such a freedom when you know you have done the right thing, even if at the time it is painful.
I can't say that this week has been nearly as good as the last. In fact, it has been rather difficult, but God is still so good. I was a little depressed and not very cheerfuy last night on my way to a chapel service and I started thinking about some scriptures that the Lord has made so real to me in the last year. In the New Testament it talks about giving a sacrifice of praise, which is worshiping and praising God even when you are hurting or you don't feel like it, and then in the Old Testament it talks about putting on "the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness". I decided as I went into the chapel that I was going to praise God no matter what was going wrong in my life and how I felt about it. You know, as the service went along I began to have joy- real happiness that is from God- and by the end I was completely relieved. It wasn't that my problems had disappeared, but I had been given new strength to deal with them and my joy had been restored so that I could be positive and thankful about the goodness of the Lord.
One last thought before I end this post. I heard a Scripture in church on Sunday and it so fit my goal for my life that I decided to post it here. "This is in keeping with my own eager desire and persistent expectation and hope, that I shall not disgrace myself nor be put to shame in anything: but that with the utmost freedom of speech and unfailing courage, now as always heretofore, Christ (the Messiah) will be magnified and get glory and praise in this body of mine and be boldly exalted in my person, whether through (by) life or through (by) death." Phil. 1:20 (Amplified) That Scripture is my heart's cry and I hope and pray that I may live up to it day by day.