The one thing I most hate to admit is fear. I would have everyone believe that I am totally in control in every situation and that second guesses and fear never play a role in my decision making. That, however, is not the case. This is especially true in relationships. At the start I am so ready to dive in and form a connection with someone, but let them get a little too close and I pull back with much force. Why? Well, it depends on the person and the circumstances, but a lot of it is being scared. That's why I don't trust. I'm scared the person will walk out and leave me, scared I will want something more from them than they can give, scared I will be disappointed, and most of all, scared that once they really get to know me they won't want to have anything to do with me. Everyone can put on a facade and act like a nice person on the surface, but it's those who really know you, in all your glory and your shame, and still hang around that really care about you. I'm always scared that those people don't really exist in my life. So, I wander through life not becoming too connected with anyone until one day someone does care and then what do I do? More often than naught I push them away, unsure of what to do and too scared to move into uncharted waters. So what's the solution? At this point it is to stop, take a deep breath, and move forward - cautiously, but bravely. The unknown is only scary as long as it is the unknown and I am scared only as long as I allow fear to control me.
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