Papers

It's late and I should be in bed, but instead I am sorting through old mail, papers and cards. As I pore over things deciding what to keep and what to toss I find myself reminiscing. Many of the cards bring back memories; some good and some sad. There are sympathy cards from when my grandmother died almost two years ago, birthday cards from years ago that don't say much more than "Happy Birthday" on them, and notes from friends and classmates that recall to my mind times of fun and laughter. Then there are the cards from my family. Various notes that tell me how much they love me, that make me smile because they are corny but cute in only a way that cards from family can be, notes that try to make a point that vocalized words cannot quite make. Here, surrounded by this "stuff" I find myself becoming very emotional. Perhaps it is the memories of the relationships that I miss so much or perhaps it is the reminder of why my life is so complicated. Who knows. Life right now is indeed very complicated. It is difficult, stressful, exciting and bittersweet all at the same time. Yet, through it all I try to maintain a composure that says to the world, and particularly those around me, that everything is alright, I am fine, life is great. I want to be that strong person that I think I am and hope others believe I am. There is no room for broken hearts and tears in a world that keeps moving despite how you are feeling. Still, in the midst of all my papers as no one else is watching, with the reading of each card, the tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks. My heart swells and aches for so many things and mourns the loss of so much more. I am sure there are those that would wonder at my sanity at this moment, but I don't care. I am tired of holding everything together, of pretending I am made of steel and cannot be moved. I am tired of pretending that my heart is not broken in a million pieces when it has been shattered seemingly beyond repair. I am tired of the thoughts that haunt me and the knowledge that won't let me be. I am tired of asking "why?" and wondering if I will ever know. Most of all I tired of unhappiness and misfortune crowding my life and filling every area. I am thankful for the tears and the emotion that surges over me. I am grateful I can still feel. Somehow my tears have been a bit of release for me and now I am breathing better and feeling alright. I will go to bed and feel better in the morning. Life will carry on. The sun will rise and set and eventually I will be able to see each new day as a blessing and I will no longer have to pretend everything is great because it really will be. Yes, some day soon things will change; I hope.

Hard Times

I am so frustrated! I don't know what to do and I can't even think of anything new to try. I hate things that I do but I can't figure out how to fix them. I hate that I always seem to damage things that I can't fix. I have known for some time now that I am a broken person. I am broken in a lot of ways, some I fully know and others I haven't yet realized. It's sort of like when you know your car is not working properly but you aren't sure what all is wrong with it. You may know that the tires need air and the oil needs to be changed, but you are totally oblivious to the fact that the battery is about to die and the engine has massive problems. That's how I feel; it's how I've felt for a very long time. It's one of the reasons I was always scared of being close to someone. I was afraid that if anyone got to know me really well they would see all the broken things I saw and perhaps find a few more things. I was afraid that the damage would be too much for them to bear and eventually they would leave me with my mess. A little over a year ago I started trying to lay my inhibitions about myself aside and tried forming close relationships. I have to say that much of what I feared has been realized. The closer I get to people the more about myself I see and it's a painful situation. I have really worked on fixing the problems as they come up but it seems that there are so many I can't get a handle on them; and those closest to me seem to be losing their patience. I tell myself that I'm not that terrible, that my problems aren't that bad, but then why do they affect those I care about most in the way that they do? Sometimes I want to just run away until I can fix myself and come back as a whole person; but that's not real life. I have to keep at it, keep trying. I'm doing the best I can and that's all I can do. There are growing pains for sure, and I am sorry for those who have to be around for those pains, but at least I can say I am growing. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. For those of you who were hoping otherwise, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I am what I am -- a work in progress. If I trample on your toes or hurt your feelings in the process of my growing I am truly sorry and regret the things I have done to hurt you. Maybe you can do me a favor and stretch the bounds of your ability to love me and just keep rooting for me to reach my goal. I know that's a lot to ask of a person, but isn't that what relationships are about? I hate feeling like I put a drain on those I care about most, or that those I care about don't care to be around me. I am assuming a lot of that has to do with me and I am working on it. All I can ask is that you have some patience and maybe recall to mind that you might have been already or at some time in the future will be in need of loving patience.

Reflections

I miss them so much. The people of my past haunt me like ghosts in the dark. I see their faces for a fleeting moment, just enough to get me longing to really see them, and then they are gone, like a vapor that momentarily fills the room and then evaporates. I hear their voices in my head as though they were some spirit chorus that I wish to be a part of, but, alas, I cannot. I cannot hear even one word from their lips spoken in my ear. I close my eyes and I can envision them laughing and talking as though they are here with me and I am in the midst of them, drinking in their presence as a cool drink to my weary soul. I lie in my bed and I can feel their arms around me as though they are there with me still offering the comfort and love we once enjoyed. How I miss them! They shall never be mine again and that is a sad, sobering thought. They will always be ghosts to me, spirits from another time and place, dreams that are no longer tangible to me. Perhaps I will see them again one day, but it will not be the same. They will look different, they will laugh and talk differently, and they will show love in a manner I no longer recognize. I wish this were not so; how I wish it with all my heart, but it is not within my power to control it. Those from my past must follow their own paths as I am following mine and for the time being those paths do but seldom cross. In some future time they may meet up again but we will both be aged and changed from the traveling we have done and then we will be as strangers to one another. Gone will be the affectionate glances, the knowing smiles, the laughter at jokes we have spent a lifetime sharing with each other, the friendly embraces that have been such a necessary part of our existence, the kinship that comes from sharing your life with someone. This will all be sorely missed and is felt even now as I am haunted by the lack of their physical presence. To have someone and then lose them is perhaps on of the hardest things to endure in life, but that is where I am at and I am finding that the grief of this loss is something far beyond my powers to comprehend or even deal with. How I have prayed for heavenly comfort, and at times it is there, but I still feel such a loss. The ghostly images of my past are constantly with me filling my head with sweet and sad memories and filling my heart with longing and desire. How long will this haunting go on? When will I no longer see ghosts in the day and spirits in the night? Maybe it is all dependent on me and my ability to deal with this loss, but I feel so weak and unfit to tackle such a monstrous task. I heard a quote today from Hudson Taylor. It said: "I am so weak. I can't read my Bible. I can't even pray. I can only lie still in God's arms like a little child and trust." That is me right now. Lord, help me to trust you through this time that is so hard for me.

Loving People

What does it really mean to love someone? I've asked myself that question at least an hundred times. I have a huge family and many friends that I feel I love. There are people in my life that mean a great deal to me and those that I would fiercely argue that I love, but what does that mean in the living of it? Well, love is a choice first of all, and it is a sacrifice second of all. So many times we get caught up in the part of love that feels good. We enjoy the way it makes us feel, we enjoy the "perks" that love brings - the warmth, the security, the hugs, kisses, comforting words, shoulders to cry on - but what about the work that love entails? We often forget about that and then when called on to exercise real love we fail miserably because we don't like how it feels. With love comes pain and hardship. When you choose to love someone you make a choice to love them good or bad, rain or shine, whether or not they treat you right, because love is not about receiving, it's about giving. That's a hard pill to swallow sometimes. We want those we love to love us the way we love them, to do for us what we do for them, to treat us in the way we feel we treat them, and sometimes we expect them to show us love in the same way we show them love. But that is not loving someone. That is being selfish and loving ourselves. I Corinthians 13 is an entire chapter on the characteristics of love, and it's an enlightening read on what love truly is. It says love is patient and kind. That means that it is never impatient or unkind. In every circumstance, when someone is at their best or worst, no matter how they act or what happens, if you love them you will have patience and be able to maintain kindness. Is this hard to do? Absolutely! But if you really love someone it can be done. I Corinthians 13 also says that love does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek to do that which pleases itself but what serves the other person better, it doesn't insist on its own rights or its own way, and it isn't resentful or fretful. These are all things that are a challenge for me in my relationships with those I love. I become frustrated with how someone is treating me, irritated that I am not getting as much as I am giving, annoyed that I have to put up with the faults and shortcomings of others, and fretful that maybe I am not loved as much as I love. It takes the Holy Spirit reminding me that I am not truly loving someone when I am acting this way to get me back on track. At times it seems it is impossible to live out this explanation of love, but then I have to remember as well that God is love, He is the originator and provider of love, and only He can put true love in our hearts for others. If He puts the love there then He will help us to live it out the way it was intended to be lived out. The only thing we have to do is choose to live love out, to let the Lord help us when we can't do it on our own, and to put those we love before ourselves. Then we will truly be loving someone. This is a hard lesson to learn and I have by no means learned it, but I want to. I know there are those I really love, those God has put a special love for in my heart, and I want to really love them. When it's all said and done, I think that learning to truly love someone helps you to love them even more. I think it's loving through the good and the bad together that draws you closer together to those you love. For every time you choose to live out your love for someone it makes your love for them grow stronger. I won't say that it makes it easier to make the right choice, but it does help you to form the habit of doing the right thing, which is good for both you and those you love. Yes, truly loving someone is hard work, but it is possible and so worth the effort.

My Friend

If you've ever had someone in your life that meant the world to you then you will understand this post. I have many friends, several who are very dear to me and to whom I am greatly indebted. To those who have surrounded me recently with more love and support than I could have hoped for - thank you so much. I could not be the person I am or enjoy even half the success I do without you. You guys make my life so much better in so many ways and I love you for it. However, I want to say something special with this post. I have a best friend that continually amazes me with the way he cares about me and all the ways that he helps me. Sometimes I run out of words to say or ways to let him know how much he means to me, but I can always continue to try. So, sir, if you read this, this one is for you. I want to tell you that you make my days brighter with all your encouragement. You make me stronger by standing next to me and pulling me up when I fall down. I love that you never give up on me and always urge me to keep pressing forward. I love that you can remain positive in what seem to be the darkest situations and that you help me see the sun when rain clouds fill my vision. I know that I can rely on you to be there for me whether I'm calling you to tell you I had the worst day ever or if I'm letting you know that things have finally settled down and I am on my way to better days. You'll never know how much it means to me that you encourage me to pursue my dreams, that you want all the best in life for me, and that you expect great things from me. I love that you can see in me what I want to see in myself but am just too blind sometimes to notice. I love that you encourage me in my walk with the Lord, always pointing me towards Him as my source of strength and never-ending love, finding Scriptures to encourage me and helping me to hold on to Him when it feels like I will lose my grip. Knowing you has been one of the best things that could have ever happened to me and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate and, yes, love you. You mean so much more to me than I could ever put into words, but this is my meager attempt at it. I know not where our paths may lead and should they part at some future date that would truly be sad, but I will always be thankful for the precious time I've had with you and will do my best to make it as pleasant for you as it has been for me. I'm so glad you're a part of my life.
I had forgotten about this song, but then I heard it today and it reminded me of you. When I first heard it many years ago I was very young and wondered how anyone could possibly really feel this way about a person. Surely, they were exaggerating or making things up just to create a good song. Now, I know how they could feel this way and I understand how true these lyrics can be.

Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

For Now

Although it's most likely not the greatest thing you ever read, this sort of sums up me at the moment. Please forgive this clumsy attempt at the literary form of poetry; it is all I can manage at the moment.

Me and You

When life's so crazy it doesn't make sense
When my heart's so broken it can't be fixed
When my world is in shambles all around
When I've been knocked to the cold, hard ground
You're still there to pick me up
Hold my hand and help me stand
Your strong arms cradle and steady me
Your embrace, so sweet, warms and fills me.
When tears like drop start from my eyes
When one, then two, then thousands stream
When hurt engulfs and there's too many "why's"
When questions haunt and answers are a dream
You're still strong, your love so real
You breathe on me, "Peace, be still"
You're a healing salve, a soothing balm
You bring such relief, work such calm.
When my soul aches from its endless torture
When my tongue is mute, no words can form
When cries and groans are all I can utter
When I'm so weary, so weak, so worn
You're always there, my One and Only
The I Am that I Am - everything I need.
You're my Refuge, my Fortress, my All in All;
You make me whole, help me continue to be.