Reflections

I miss them so much. The people of my past haunt me like ghosts in the dark. I see their faces for a fleeting moment, just enough to get me longing to really see them, and then they are gone, like a vapor that momentarily fills the room and then evaporates. I hear their voices in my head as though they were some spirit chorus that I wish to be a part of, but, alas, I cannot. I cannot hear even one word from their lips spoken in my ear. I close my eyes and I can envision them laughing and talking as though they are here with me and I am in the midst of them, drinking in their presence as a cool drink to my weary soul. I lie in my bed and I can feel their arms around me as though they are there with me still offering the comfort and love we once enjoyed. How I miss them! They shall never be mine again and that is a sad, sobering thought. They will always be ghosts to me, spirits from another time and place, dreams that are no longer tangible to me. Perhaps I will see them again one day, but it will not be the same. They will look different, they will laugh and talk differently, and they will show love in a manner I no longer recognize. I wish this were not so; how I wish it with all my heart, but it is not within my power to control it. Those from my past must follow their own paths as I am following mine and for the time being those paths do but seldom cross. In some future time they may meet up again but we will both be aged and changed from the traveling we have done and then we will be as strangers to one another. Gone will be the affectionate glances, the knowing smiles, the laughter at jokes we have spent a lifetime sharing with each other, the friendly embraces that have been such a necessary part of our existence, the kinship that comes from sharing your life with someone. This will all be sorely missed and is felt even now as I am haunted by the lack of their physical presence. To have someone and then lose them is perhaps on of the hardest things to endure in life, but that is where I am at and I am finding that the grief of this loss is something far beyond my powers to comprehend or even deal with. How I have prayed for heavenly comfort, and at times it is there, but I still feel such a loss. The ghostly images of my past are constantly with me filling my head with sweet and sad memories and filling my heart with longing and desire. How long will this haunting go on? When will I no longer see ghosts in the day and spirits in the night? Maybe it is all dependent on me and my ability to deal with this loss, but I feel so weak and unfit to tackle such a monstrous task. I heard a quote today from Hudson Taylor. It said: "I am so weak. I can't read my Bible. I can't even pray. I can only lie still in God's arms like a little child and trust." That is me right now. Lord, help me to trust you through this time that is so hard for me.