Relationships

I am by no means a relationship expert. In fact, I have a lot of ideas and zero experience, which makes me a bit of hazard when it comes to relationships, romantic ones that is. I have no idea what I am doing and it is so aggravating. I don't know if I'm doing the right things, the wrong things, or something that doesn't matter either way. I think I am showing a person how much I care about them and I end up annoying the heck out of them. Then, I pull back and try so hard to not do that and I end up offending them. There isn't anyone I have asked for help that has really given me any, which, quite frankly is a bit frightening. Does no one know what they are doing and how these things are supposed to work????? Of course there is the small problem that I don't really feel like there is anyone I can talk to about it completely so it limits what they can give me advice on and what I can ask advice on, but that shouldn't be that unusual, right? I mean, what did people do before there were marriage/relationship counselors? They had to have been able to work things out on their own, so why can't I? Honestly, I feel so completely lost. I never have understood the whole dating thing anyway and now that I have a relationship I understand it even less. What is it even? How do you pretend you are serious with someone but your not? How to do get close but keep yourself from getting too close? How do you let someone in but shut them out all at the same time? I realize that relationships take patience, something I never really realized before, but how do you proceed in something when there is so much uncertainty? My thinking has always been that the relationship is just temporal until there is a commitment made - either marriage or the declared intention to get married. Yet, in the living out of that it is so much more complex than that. What happens if you both really care about each other but marriage is not an option at the moment? Then what? Well, you can wait but it's hard to know where the boundaries are and what is the right or wrong thing to do both with yourself and with the other person. It's so frustrating! How do you tell yourself to not care about someone so much, especially when that person is your best friend? How do you keep yourself from falling completely and totally in love with someone that you grow closer to each day? I know love is a choice in so many ways, but it is also an emotion that grows with the growing of relationships. The relationship will either foster and encourage love or it will kill it. What do I do if it encourages it but I can't act on it? Do I pretend it isn't there? Oh, I don't know. There are so many opinions on the "right" way to do it, but I am not settled with any of those opinions. The only thing I am settled with is learning more and more how to put my trust in the Lord in this area of my life and continuing to make choices and do things in my relationship that will bring honor to Him and will encourage both myself and my significant other to seek the Lord and grow in His grace and knowledge every day. In the end that is the best way that I can love someone anyway and it is the only thing I am absolutely sure of. I don't know if any of this made any sense but that's what happens when the writer is confused!

This Summer

Summer is upon me and I am not sure I am happy about it. There seem to be so many things to do, so many mountains to cross, and so many goals to reach. There are some really good things on the horizon for me but I am missing the sense of excitement I feel like should be there. I want to take on the challenges that are facing me but I am not sure I am up to it. I will be working more this summer than I ever have before and I will be facing things in my personal life that are completely new for me. Of course none of that is bad and I don't want to complain about it; I'm just not sure of how it will turn out. To give you some idea of the next two months: I have to finish putting my house together, I will then have a house warming, I will have family come to visit, I will travel to California to visit family, I will help a friend have a baby shower, I will be studying for the GRE, I will be scheduling classes and work for the fall, I will be valiantly trying (and succeeding) at getting in shape, and of course I will be working. I'm actually glad that I have a lot to do because it will keep me busy, but I have to admit that I am a bit fearful of the outcome. What if I fail at doing everything and I can't start the fall the way I need to? What if it proves to be too much for me to handle? I don't know. Maybe I am totally overreacting. I guess there isn't really much for me to do but take it one step at a time and just keep trying to reach all my goals. If I don't get to all of them I guess it won't be the end of the world; I'll just be disappointed. When I stop and look at things seriously I know that they are do-able and I know that I am actually very excited about many things; I just need to not let those things overwhelm me. So, I will be practicing relaxing a great deal and hopefully this summer I will learn a little bit more about not stressing over things that don't need to be stressed over. =)

The Flight

I got on the airplane with a little hesitation. It was cloudy and very windy outside. I don't like flying anyway and I especially dislike it when there is bad weather to contend with. I knew the flight would be a short one this time but that wasn't really much of a comfort. I found my seat, stowed my carry on and strapped myself in. The plane was very full today. I looked out the window and wondered how much the strong gusts of wind would affect the flight. Soon everyone was boarded and we were preparing for take off. We started down the run way and into the air. The winds tossed the plane to and fro, making us pitch and sway like we were on a ship in the open seas. We climbed higher and higher, the wind still slamming against us. We were over the clouds soon enough, but the turbulence still seemed to affect us. I felt like I was on a roller coaster thousands of feet in the air and I was not comfortable at all. I realized how completely powerless I would be to do anything if something went wrong with the plane. I was growing more uncomfortable with each wave of turbulence that washed over the plane. Then I noticed the girl in the seat in front of me. We both had window seats and she was leaning on the arm of her seat peering out the window. She was beautiful. The most gorgeous child I had ever seen. She looked about four and was staring out the window with all the wonder of a fresh mind sponging up its surroundings. She had platinum blond hair that hung just below her shoulders with bangs that brushed her forehead, accentuating her amazing blue eyes. They were the color of the sky on a bright Arizona spring day. Her long dark eyelashes curled up in just the right way so as to frame her eyes like stones in a beautiful setting. Her cheeks were round and slightly pink and her chubby fingers rested on them as her hand held her shin. Her lips were plump and perfectly shaped, adding the finishing touches to her doll-like face. I marveled at the DNA that created such a child. She was beautiful beyond words, and, she was calm. Amid the pitching and rolling of the plane she sat calmly looking out the window, taking in all her eyes could see, pointing out things to her mother who was sitting next to her. There wasn't a hint of fear in her voice. She didn't even seem to notice that the plane was affected by the weather system outside. I wished that I could have had the same calm. Every time the plane dipped I felt my heart dropping out of my chest. I would have gladly had a child's mentality at that moment. The plane finally stabilized at a higher altitude and I grew comfortable in my seat. The little girl was still gazing out the window and I couldn't help but smile at her. She was certainly more "put together" than I was and I had to laugh at myself just a little.

What I've Been Up To

I know it's been FOREVER since I last posted, but I've been incredibly busy. This moving/remodeling business is definitely not for the faint of heart. But, thankfully, I am almost done with it all and I am enjoying the fruits of the hard labor. Also, I must mention that I have had some great help these last couple of days and it has done a lot for both my sanity and my sore body. Hehe. Anyway, my house is looking pretty good right about now and I am actually very excited about it. I am thrilled at all the provisions the Lord has made for me and happy that I have made it through this life experience without too much trouble. There's been a lot going on in my life recently and the struggles have been numerous, but God has been so good to me and I feel that I can finally she the sun shining through all the dark clouds that seem to have filled my horizons of late. The Lord has taught me so many things these past few months that I look back and wonder at how it is I have come as far as I have. Perhaps for some it may not seem like such a feat, but for me it is truly a miracle. I must say that looking back over the past year I would have never imagined myself in the place that I now am and that seems so odd to me, but I know that God's ways are never our ways, His thoughts are never our thoughts, so it doesn't really matter what I imagined. All that matters is making sure I am listening to the voice of the Lord and following hard in His footsteps. Then I know He will lead me and guide me and I will always end up where He intends for me to be.