A Glimpse At What I've Been Up To

So I have started back to school and life is a bit interesting these days. I have been so busy I haven't had much time for posting. Now I have a moment, so I will try to fill you in, but beware, this threatens to be a lengthy post. My first day back was a bit overwhelming. My tram was late getting me to class and the swarms of kids EVERYWHERE was just about more than I could handle. It rained that day and I got drenched, what fun! I tried to find my way around and get my textbooks in the bookstore and that turned into a very long time of waiting in line. I truly felt like a little fish in a big sea. What was even more interesting to me was that I felt like a prehistoric fish next to all these fresh young tadpoles. It was a different experience for me. All that first week I noticed things that distanced me from my much younger classmates. I was annoyed by the girl sitting next to me in class who insisted on writing checks to pay all her bills while the lecture was going on. Her constant rustling of papers was so distracting! The girls who sat several seats down from me were continuously clacking on their keyboards as they Facebooked and messaged their friends during the lecture. I was quite put out by all this as I found it so hard to concentrate on what the professor was saying rather than notice what these students were doing. I have learned how to ignore them in the past three weeks, but I must say that I am shocked anew almost every week at the rude and disruptive behavior exhibited by quite a few students. Throughout these past few weeks I have relearned what it means to have homework due, quizzes and exams pending and papers to write. There has been so much to do and it has taken me a while to get back into the groove of being a student. I can say, though, that I am enjoying what I am learning. This semester has afforded me an incredible opportunity in research and I am enjoying every minute of it! Each week I have my interests sparked again and my curiosity peaked as I look at the world of language and neurological processing. My three hours of research work every Wednesday morning are the highlight of my academic week, and I would venture to say my week in general.
Apart from school there have been other tings happening, mostly unpleasant. Work has proven to be an enormous thorn in my side in more ways than one and I am finding that I have to learn and re-learn new ways of separating my work life and demeanor from my personal life and demeanor. It's a tough task for sure, but I am committed to learning how to do it. I have also been sick for the past week, and I mean really sick. It has been so frustrating! To be sick is unpleasant in and of itself, but it fell on a really bad week for me. I missed homework assignments and an exam and then had to turn in homework and take an exam in less than prime condition. It has been rough for me, but I survived it and now I am moving on. On the personal front, I am still more in love than I could have ever imagined possible and I think it's great! My Mr. Darcy is my best friend and one of my strongest supporters. He always pushes me to achieve more and do better and he truly believes that I can do it. I don't know if that is blind enthusiasm or a justified faith in me, but I love him for it. One of my best friends just had a baby and I am thrilled to once again have a little person in my life to brighten things up. I have eagerly volunteered to babysit the new guy and I am more than excited to spend time with him.
There really is quite a bit going on in my life at this moment. There are so many decisions to make that I can't quite keep up with all of them, but at some point I will have it all nailed down; at least what I need for right now. This semester has started with a bang - lots to do and experience and so many more challenges that I ever wanted, but it is a crucial time for me and I am excited to see what will happen. I think I can say with some confidence that by the end of the year I will have made some life-altering decisions and will have walked through some doors that will take me down paths I have never yet traveled.

A Lesson

I learned something this past week, or maybe I just became aware of something. There is a person that I deal with on a regular basis that I do not really enjoy being around. This person seems to be quite ridiculous at moments when you are really hoping that they will not be, and they seem to love a good drama, and they are completely impractical about just about everything, and . . . I could go on and on; but I won't. Suffice it to say that I find this person one of the most irritating individuals I have to work with and I am not at all happy that I have had to deal with them for so long. That said, I realized something this week. That person, as irritating as they are, has something that I cannot say I possess - a very tender heart towards people you are not acquainted with. I can be a very tender-hearted person and get great joy out of doing things for those I love. However, I cannot say that I have a very tender heart towards those I do not really know. I am not mean, just a bit indifferent. I work in customer service and I hate it. Yes, customers can be pushy and rude and hard to deal with, but that is not the only reason I do not like my job. I don't like being pleasant and happy and actually caring about someone I don't really know. I know that sounds incredibly harsh of me and very selfish, but I think it is the truth, however ugly it may seem. I realized this past week that for all of the annoying, irritating qualities my bothersome person may have, they have a very tender heart. They will go the extra mile and help just about anyone, and for that I have to give them some credit. I think they really have a desire to help people and give them comfort when they are in need of it. Perhaps I "have it together" in areas this individual does not, but I could definitely learn a thing or two from them in this area; and in some ways I think I already have.

Memories

It's funny how memories can affect you. I often wonder what the brain is doing when you remember. How does it know which areas of the brain to trip to cause the emotions you feel and the reactions you have? For me, memories have a very deep impact on me. I can't get away from the flood of emotions that wash over me when I am remembering something. It's funny too because I have an excellent memory. I wonder if that has anything to do with why my memories have such a strong impact on me. I received some news this morning that shouldn't have been too terrible, but it really impacted me. As I was going over the information and what it meant, I found myself wondering why I was having such a strong reaction to the news. Then I realized it was the memories associated with this news that were affecting me so strongly. I was immediately transported from my room to a time not long ago when there was so much pain and grief. A time when I was not able to deal with that grief in a very good manner. The news caused me to remember and the remembrance brought to mind the pain. Then it dawned on my that I had never really gotten over what I was remembering. I had sort of "dealt with it" in an attempt to keep going and not collapse from the weight of everything that was happening, but I had never really allowed myself to grieve over it and let the grief takes its course. There had been so many other tears to shed that the thought of anymore was unbearable at the time, and yet, now the tears seem to flow so freely. Almost as if they have been waiting all the time for their chance at release. It's funny how we are. Although the events for which my memories have taken me back happened nearly 10 months ago, they are still so vivid in my mind, and this time there is little else there to push the emotions down, to keep them back until a later time. That means that I should deal with them, go through the process of grieving; but I am still not ready to do that, or perhaps I do not know how. So, I suppose I will have my little release and then box up the emotions until a later time, when I really can face them, or until another memory brings them to mind.

My Life

I know it's been a while since I posted. Sorry. I've wanted to post but there have been various things that have stopped me. One of which has been not knowing what to say. I feel like I am changing in so many ways and there are so many transitions going on that I am not sure I can make sense of everything right now. I'm not sure of many things any more, and that's not a bad thing. I feel like I need to go through this process of rediscovery in order to work through some things in my life and most importantly in order to be a whole person. As I look back over my life I am amazed at just how broken and destitute I have been in so many areas of my life. I have needed to fix multiple things for quite a while, but have never gotten down to it. Well, now I am. It's kind of a scary process, but a necessary one, and I am glad I am doing it. The road from childhood to adulthood has always been a bit daunting to me, and now, as I am walking it, I am finding it is more so than I ever imagined it would be. But, I have also found along the way that I can do so much more than I ever thought possible. In so many ways I have had to rebuild and recreate my life over the past 9 months, and it has been difficult to do. Yet, in looking back at even the small amount of progress I have made I am not willing to quit and give up. It's been hard, frustrating, heart-rending at times, but well worth it. Sometimes it takes stepping out of your momentary situation to realize what exactly is going on. We get so caught up in the here and now and what is facing us at this exact moment that it becomes hard to see the larger picture and remember the larger goals we are working for, but one glance at that larger view and the present seems to be so much better. Or maybe it's just that you have a much better perspective on things and so the close up is not so frightening. Sort of like when a painter focuses on one section of his canvas and begins to get frustrated with it, so he takes a step back to remember what the whole goal of his painting is. Then he can zero back in on that one section and keep working on it. It's interesting how that works that way. I guess that's what my life is like right now. I know there is a larger picture and I try to keep that picture in my mind, but sometimes I lose sight of it and become completely focused on one tiny bit of the massive canvas that is my life. Usually I become horribly frustrated or depressed or just plain angry that things are not going the way that I think they should or want them to. At that moment it is best for me to take a cue from the painter and step back to get a better, broader perspective of what it is I am working towards. That view of the larger part helps me work through the smaller things, giving me a renewed desire to keep at it, hoping in the end my "canvas" will indeed be something beautiful and not just another attempt.