Life

Life is always so interesting. There is always something going on, something happening. I am thankful that these days the stress is a lot less but I am still busy as ever. It seems that life is a never ending cycle of coming and going, living and learning. I am happy, though. I like what I am doing and I feel like I can handle the things that are on my plate at the moment. I have had some really wonderful experiences and I am hoping to have more. The sense of excitement that I have right now is wonderful. I am looking at some major changes but I am at peace about it. Perhaps that is because I am completely assured that I have sought the guidance of the Lord the whole way through and I will continue to do so. I hope that I will always continue to learn through the experiences I have and the things I go through in life. Otherwise, what is the point of going through them? Even the unpleasant things have a way of teaching you invaluable lessons and after the fact you find yourself being thankful that you had the opportunity to learn. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I am thankful for the things that keep me busy and thankful for the life experiences I have had. I feel that I have learned a lot and would not be the person I am today were it not for those experiences. I know that sometimes I grow tired and wish I could put everything on pause but I can't, and for the first time in a very long time I am alright with that.

Goings On

So, I have been on a grand adventure for the past two weeks and only now am I finally starting to come to the end of it. My trip to Colorado was wonderful and I wanted to post all about here but my computer came down with a virus and I was unable to fix it until I returned home. I then had a myriad of things that had to be done right away and didn't have the time to sit down and write about what was going on. Since I last posted I have made a decision on graduate school and started on the long path of moving out of state this summer. I am sure that Colorado is the place for me and is the next doorway I must walk through in my life's journey. It seems that everything is pointing that direction and after much prayer, a lot of talking, and several hours of contemplation I have made my decision. The letter goes out tomorrow and will make things final. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I have never lived anywhere away from home and I never really expected to, but now I am. The people at the school are all very nice and the town I am moving to looked great on my visit there. Of course, I am aware that there will be things I will not like and adjusting that will have to take place, but that would be true for anywhere I went. I am looking forward to what this next chapter of my life holds. I will be sad to leave my house and my family and friends, but there are new friends on the horizon and maybe even new family (fingers crossed). As for life right now, the semester is almost over and I am looking forward to its end with eagerness. This has been a bit of a rough semester for me and mostly for non-academic reasons. There have been so many things outside school to take up my time and attention that I have not been able to give school the attention I wanted, but I think all will turn out well. I did have a bit of sad news this past week. A very dear friend passed away and I find myself being constantly reminded of him. He was the type of man that you never forget and your heart always holds dear. He was someone I met in ministry and I used to love to watch him when there was music playing. He seemed to be transported to another world when my sister would sing "I Am Redeemed", or my cousin would sing "Lighthouse", and when I would sing "Amazing Grace" I can still hear him shouting "Glory" in his big booming voice with his hands lifted high. It was as though he was hearing the choirs of heaven and he wanted to join in. Well, now he can, and for his sake I am glad. He was suffering from cancer and it was taking a lot out of him and his wife. Now he is at peace and I am sure that if there really is a choir up in heaven he just as lively a member of the audience up there as he ever was down here. This Saturday we are going to remember his life, celebrate who he was, and I am thankful to have to chance to do so. Merle was a special man and there won't be another to replace him. I'm glad I had the opportunity to know him and to love him. It's people like him that come into your life and enrich it beyond your wildest dreams. They give you a gift that you in turn can give to another. That gift is love and is seen in its greatest form in the person of Jesus. Merle was so alive with the love of Jesus and it made him irresistible. I want that kind of love to rule my life, to be apparent to those around me the way it was to those around Merle. I also have another memorial service on Sunday. This one is for a professor from my department at the university. This man, too, was a loving, compassionate man. He was my lifeline when I wanted to give up on school and the dream I had. I prayed for the Lord to open doors for me and to send me someone who could help me and he sent me Dr. Hixon. I never knew what made this man answer my emails and agree to meet with me only to talk about my dreams and ideas, to give me advice for the future, but it never failed that anytime I called on him he responded with a care and concern I had never before seen in the academic world. His passing was truly a loss to those who benefited from the generous personality of this man.
So it would seem that death has once again touched my life and the lives of those around me. I know that it is inevitable, but that does not make it any less difficult to deal with. Sometimes I wonder what it will be like for there to be no more death. We would not miss the ones we love. We would not fear the loss of those close to us. We would not grieve because they have left us. At least I can say that for some of those whom I have lost I will again see them one day, and what a happy reunion it will be.
I guess those are my thoughts for now. I know there is more I want to write, more I should write, but my eyes are heavy and I need to rest. So, until next time, goodbye!

On My Way

Phew! It's been a long few days and now I find myself in a New Mexico airport awaiting a flight to Colorado. When I stop for a moment and reflect on the current situation all I can think is "Wow!" I can't believe things have gone the way they have. Two years ago I was just wishing to get into grad school and now I am flying out to check out a really good prospect. That's right, I am headed to Colorado to meet with people from a graduate program there that has accepted me and that I am very much interested in. This trip is really important to me for many reasons. First, it is the first time in my life that I have traveled somewhere completely on my own. There will be no one at the airport to greet me, no one at the hotel to say good night to, no one to help me navigate the three days I will be away from home. Of course, I am strictly speaking of humans. I am always aware that the Lord is with me, and that is truly a great comfort. But this time, it is just me meeting new people and having to scope out the territory so that I have the best information possible to make this gigantic life decision in front of me. I want to do it and I need to do it, but my nerves are definitely quaking inside me. The second reason this trip is so important is because I have three schools to choose from and I need this trip to help me decide something about this particular school. There are many things that ride on this decision and I am well aware of all of them. I think I know what I will do but I want to be absolutely positive that it is the right decision to make. I know that God is a loving Father Who always looks out for us and, contrary to my upbringing, will help us even when we make wrong decisions, but I want to make the right decision this time and I want to absolutely know it is the right decision. I am putting my complete trust in Him and leaning on Him to help and I know He will direct me in the right way. It's rather strange to me how much peace I actually have right now. I can get pretty stressed out rather easily but this time I am actually alright. I think that's a good thing. =D So, I will continue on to Colorado and pray that the trip is a good one with a good outcome. I think it will be. Actually, I can't wait to see how things look when the trip is over and I have returned home. There are new horizons in front of me and although the dawn has not yet allowed enough light in so that I can see across the expanse, it has let in enough light so that I can see clearly the next few steps in front of me; and that is all I need.

My Movie Moment

Today was a day like any other, until it happened -- my movie moment. I had met my Mr. Darcy for a cup of coffee on the university campus and was enjoying the beautiful Tucson weather when I realized that my family was out there as well performing their music. It's been almost a year and a half since I performed with them and I have moments when I really miss them; miss the music. We had split ways because my focus is more on my academic pursuits rather than my music. I still perform every now and then but it is not an every day thing anymore. My family is not really O.K. with that and so we have gone our separate ways. As Mr. Darcy and I finished our coffee and started strolling across the campus we passed my musical family. I'm not sure if they noticed me, but I made no attempt to catch their attention. I thought that perhaps on my way back to my lab I would stop by and say hello. I did actually have some news for them. I had heard from my 5th and final graduate school and the verdict was admittance. I had made it into two top ten schools and one top twenty-five school. I was on the waiting list for another top ten school and another strong university. I had not been rejected at any of the schools. This outcome had far exceeded my expectations for my graduate applications and I was very excited about the prospects in front of me. I have such a feeling of anticipation and impending change, change for the better. I am finally starting to live my dream and I would like for my family to be a part of that. So, as I said good bye to Mr.Darcy and headed back to the lab I wandered in the direction of where my family was performing. As I got closer I could make out the voice of one of my sisters singing. She was belting out a very bluesy rendition of "Amazing Grace". I used to sing that song with them. It had been my song. The memories started to flood my head and I was transported back to the days when we performed together. As my brother played a sax solo I realized how much I missed hearing such good music. It was truly soul music. I could feel it in the deepest part of me, take hold of me, and the intense desire to join in grabbed me. I almost started singing out loud on the university campus! As I continued to walk closer to where they were the music grew louder and completely engulfed me. If there was anything true about my family it is that they are truly exceptional musicians. They know how to make music and when they were singing about things that meant something to them they were even more phenomenal. They were completely engrossed in the song. They did not see me approach them. I stood at the back of the stage and watched them. I saw my mom smiling as she played her bass guitar, my brother closing his eyes as he sang with everything in him, my sister playing the drums like it was her favorite thing to do in the world, and my other sister belting out her notes with the skill of a trained musician and the heart of a true artist. It was lovely, wonderful, and bittersweet. I knew that the moment I told them my good news the smiles would be gone, the enjoyment would drain from their eyes, and the warmth I felt from their music would turn stone cold. As I stood their and watched my family I realized that I was no longer a part of them. I was free. Free to pursue my hopes and dreams, free to pursue my God-given purpose in this life, free to be who I really was rather than the hologram my family had created for me, freed from the bonds that my family had for so long encouraged. While the music still pulled at my heart strings I knew that I could not go back. I could not re-enslave myself to something that was not meant for me. I would never forget my family and the good times we had together and I would never stop loving them but that part of my life was over and it was time for me to move on. With "Amazing Grace" pealing through the air in a perfect blend of my family's voices and instruments, I turned and began to walk away. Oh, the freedom I felt as I happily, purposefully walked away. If they saw me leave I hope they noticed that I was not down-trodden or sad. I was strong, invigorated, completely in love with life and most importantly my Saviour, Who had poured out His grace on me so that I might be everything He wanted me to be. I felt like I was in the closing scene of a movie when the music blares loudly and the main actor walks off the scene as the camera zooms out. It was an ending for me; a glorious, wonderfully dramatic (as the artist in me does like some drama), meaningful ending. It is done and now I can move on to the next chapter of life.