Memories

It's funny how memories can affect you. I often wonder what the brain is doing when you remember. How does it know which areas of the brain to trip to cause the emotions you feel and the reactions you have? For me, memories have a very deep impact on me. I can't get away from the flood of emotions that wash over me when I am remembering something. It's funny too because I have an excellent memory. I wonder if that has anything to do with why my memories have such a strong impact on me. I received some news this morning that shouldn't have been too terrible, but it really impacted me. As I was going over the information and what it meant, I found myself wondering why I was having such a strong reaction to the news. Then I realized it was the memories associated with this news that were affecting me so strongly. I was immediately transported from my room to a time not long ago when there was so much pain and grief. A time when I was not able to deal with that grief in a very good manner. The news caused me to remember and the remembrance brought to mind the pain. Then it dawned on my that I had never really gotten over what I was remembering. I had sort of "dealt with it" in an attempt to keep going and not collapse from the weight of everything that was happening, but I had never really allowed myself to grieve over it and let the grief takes its course. There had been so many other tears to shed that the thought of anymore was unbearable at the time, and yet, now the tears seem to flow so freely. Almost as if they have been waiting all the time for their chance at release. It's funny how we are. Although the events for which my memories have taken me back happened nearly 10 months ago, they are still so vivid in my mind, and this time there is little else there to push the emotions down, to keep them back until a later time. That means that I should deal with them, go through the process of grieving; but I am still not ready to do that, or perhaps I do not know how. So, I suppose I will have my little release and then box up the emotions until a later time, when I really can face them, or until another memory brings them to mind.

My Life

I know it's been a while since I posted. Sorry. I've wanted to post but there have been various things that have stopped me. One of which has been not knowing what to say. I feel like I am changing in so many ways and there are so many transitions going on that I am not sure I can make sense of everything right now. I'm not sure of many things any more, and that's not a bad thing. I feel like I need to go through this process of rediscovery in order to work through some things in my life and most importantly in order to be a whole person. As I look back over my life I am amazed at just how broken and destitute I have been in so many areas of my life. I have needed to fix multiple things for quite a while, but have never gotten down to it. Well, now I am. It's kind of a scary process, but a necessary one, and I am glad I am doing it. The road from childhood to adulthood has always been a bit daunting to me, and now, as I am walking it, I am finding it is more so than I ever imagined it would be. But, I have also found along the way that I can do so much more than I ever thought possible. In so many ways I have had to rebuild and recreate my life over the past 9 months, and it has been difficult to do. Yet, in looking back at even the small amount of progress I have made I am not willing to quit and give up. It's been hard, frustrating, heart-rending at times, but well worth it. Sometimes it takes stepping out of your momentary situation to realize what exactly is going on. We get so caught up in the here and now and what is facing us at this exact moment that it becomes hard to see the larger picture and remember the larger goals we are working for, but one glance at that larger view and the present seems to be so much better. Or maybe it's just that you have a much better perspective on things and so the close up is not so frightening. Sort of like when a painter focuses on one section of his canvas and begins to get frustrated with it, so he takes a step back to remember what the whole goal of his painting is. Then he can zero back in on that one section and keep working on it. It's interesting how that works that way. I guess that's what my life is like right now. I know there is a larger picture and I try to keep that picture in my mind, but sometimes I lose sight of it and become completely focused on one tiny bit of the massive canvas that is my life. Usually I become horribly frustrated or depressed or just plain angry that things are not going the way that I think they should or want them to. At that moment it is best for me to take a cue from the painter and step back to get a better, broader perspective of what it is I am working towards. That view of the larger part helps me work through the smaller things, giving me a renewed desire to keep at it, hoping in the end my "canvas" will indeed be something beautiful and not just another attempt.

The Rain

It's rainy today and it's beautiful. I love Tucson in the monsoon season. I love to hear the rain as it falls and watch the lightening streak across the sky. I love to hear the thunder and feel it vibrate my very being as it rumbles in the dark sky. I love the rain, especially Tucson summer rain! It's great. Such a blessing. I'm so glad the Lord saw fit to bless us with storms. They are so beautiful and such a great tangible reminder of how wonderful God truly is. I am sitting here remembering how much I posted last summer on the rain and realizing how little I have said about it this summer. Perhaps the rain and storms in my own life have kept me from noticing the magnificent natural occurrences happening all around me. Now, I am pausing to notice and I am thrilled that I have. It's always seemed a little odd to me how much I love the rain when so many see it as dreary and unwanted. I never have seen it that way. It has reminded me of tears a time or two and has seemed like a picture of the inner workings of my person at times, but it has never been a bad thing for me. I love the coolness that the rain brings, the sense of relief - like a long drink after a time of thirst - that it brings, and most of all I love how vibrant it makes the everyday colors and shapes that we see. A tree is just a tree in the sunlight; but darken the sky with clouds and let the rain fall and suddenly it is a vibrant mass of brown and green that seems to shout, "I am ALIVE!!!!" It's wonderful! There's nothing like it. I love to walk outside after it rains and notice the world around me. It never seems to be as vivid and plain to me as it is at that moment. The rain clears the fog and pollutants that cloud the atmosphere and hinder our clear vision of the world, and perhaps it clears our own eyes so that they are opened anew to the wonderful, beautiful world the Lord has created all around us. The rain and what it does is something I will always be thankful for and I am glad I have that reminder of just how beautiful and benevolent my wonderful Saviour is. He gives us rain to help us grow and to wash away all the debris that may cloud our vision. Yes, I love the rain!

The Girl, Part 6

As she gathered her things to go the girl paused a moment to take one last look around the castle. There was where she had spent her time as a child. There was the woman who had been so kind to her in her rough adolescent years. There was the friend who had given her so much support in some of the darkest hours of her life here at the castle. There were the children who had been such a source of joy to girl. There was that one special child that seemed to be linked to the girl with a soul tie that could not ever be truly broken. Yes, there would certainly be things that she missed. She had loved the people in the castle, loved many aspects of castle life, but now it was time to move on, time to find the truth and live it. As she looked around she tried to prepare herself to say good bye to her family and friends and start the long journey back to her current place of residence. She had a heavy heart as she prepared to go for she knew that in many ways the relationships she had had at the castle would never be the same again. There was a place in her heart that would forever be empty of the joy it had once felt. She would never again experience the closeness with those in the castle she had once been so close to. It was a sorrowful thought, but it was a reality. So, she squared her shoulders and began her exit from the castle. After the sad goodbyes and tight embraces, the girl waited for the gates to open and then passed through them on to the road that would take her home. With each step away from the castle she felt a new freedom. It was as though an unseen chain was loosening as she moved away from the castle. Each step forward left another link to the chain lying in the dust behind her. She felt as though a giant burden had been lifted from her shoulders and she could now breathe the air as she was intended to.
The girl would follow this road home to her house and from there she knew not where she would go, but it didn't matter. She knew that she was on the right path and that as long as she stayed on that path she would find her destiny, fulfill her quest for answers. With each day things began to grow clearer and thoughts of the future became less clouded with doubt and more full of hope. There were answers, there was a purpose to her life, and she could succeed at being what she was created to be. Her return to her house was the next step in her journey and it would allow her to prepare for the steps that would follow. An air of anticipation hung over her as she traveled home. She was so excited about what the future held for her. She could not and would not look back at the castle. Yes, her family and many friends were there, but they had chosen to remain, had chosen to close their eyes to the truth and she could not shake them into reality. She would miss them and the closeness of their bond, but she must move on. Her life lay in front of her and she must grasp it and push onward, never looking back to the hinderances and bondages that the castle represented to her. She was free!!! And how she enjoyed being free!
There was a smile on the girl's face as she reached home and settled into her house. The unseen chain was gone, it's links scattered over the road she had trod to get here. She did not have all the answers she wanted nor was she satisfied with her life at the moment, but she now had hope that she could indeed be successful in her aims and goals. She relished the thought that she was now truly free to be and accomplish all that she was intended for. There was a bliss in knowing that she could now start the great adventure that would be her life.