Thunderstorm

I was at my mom's house today for a couple of hours before I had to go play for my children's choir at a performance. The afternoon was nice and I hadn't spent any length of time at my mom's in quite a while, so I was enjoying my time. The time to leave came and I had noticed that it was raining, but being that it is monsoon season here I didn't really pay attention to what was going on outside. I was dressed and ready to go about 10 minutes early and that's when I decided to look out the window and see what the weather was like. It was pouring rain, heavy rain. I could hardly see across the street the rain was so thick. Then the lightning and thunder started. The lighning was right above us making the thunder crack very loud and intimidating. I wondered how we were going to go outside and get in the car without being soaked. We decided to wait an extra 10 minutes before venturing out, hoping the storm would die down a bit. Nothing doing. It got worse. So, we started trying to figure out a way to get in the car without getting completely sopped. I had no umbrella and I was in a dress. Interesting scenario. I grabbed a towl and decided to make a run for the car. Now, I can't really run because my knee is still healing from the car accident last week, and I didn't really want to slip on the very wet front porch with its stairs that were a temporary waterfall. I carefully made my way to the car, getting very wet in the process, hoping to avoid the now very frequent strikes of lighting overhead. I step into the street to go around the car and get in the passenger seat and the water came half-way to my knees. Yes, the streets were flooded and it was still raining very heavily. I was thoroughly wet when I managed to get in the car. We then carefully drove down the street. Everywhere we went the streets were flooded and the cars looked like they were going to float down the street. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I haven't seen a rainstorm like that since I was a little kid. It reminded me of the year the Santa Cruz River overflowed and we were stuck on the west side of it for a couple of days until it finally drained enough for us to cross it and go home. After arriving at our destination 20 minutes late I counted the time it took to get in the car and to the performance: 1 hour. Crazy! It was an awesome storm to watch, though. One of the kids in the choir commented that they were pretty sure the drought was over. I think I agree with them. Hurray for the return of real Arizona monsoons!!!!!

Insecurities

As a strong independent female who is supposed to be sure of herself and her value I am not supposed to be insecure. Right? Problem: I am. Especially around other women that I feel are viewed as ten times more valuable than myself. I know this is juvenile and completely illogical and my clear-thinking mind is screaming at me for even entertaining the thought that somehow my worth is determined by those around me, but still, it's there. Even when I think I have mastered it it only takes five minutes of being in a room full of men and having some gorgeous, well-composed girl come walking in. It's almost unbelievable how little time it takes for my stomach to tie itself in knots and every imperfection I ever thought or knew I had to flash across my mind and that feeling of being totally insignificant and not even worth the slightest recognition to creep up on me. Of course, I have trained myself well and those thoughts and feelings are the result of years of behavior management training (subconscious, of course), and once I get a hold of myself I can change my state of mind rather well. However, I have noticed that deep down, on the inside, those feelings are very much real, those thoughts are very much a part of me and who I am. It shouldn't be that way. I know with my head what is a healthy way of looking at myself and viewing who and what I am, but my heart still clings to the fear that perhaps I am wrong and I am the sad excuse of a person I fight so hard not to be. I've mentioned recently that I am trying to deal with things in my life that have bothered me for years, areas that need healing. This particular area is one I have avoided at all costs. I have tried to cover it up, ignore it, or deal with it superficially, but now I need to face it head on and put this ghost from the past to rest. I know of several people who have tried this and failed. My only consolation is that God intends for me to be a whole person, free from anything that would drag me down, healed of all hurts, and He will have to help me do this. Perhaps it is hard for some of you to understand where I am coming from. All I can say is it is quite possibly the most difficult thing in the world to change your thinking when you have lived your life for over twenty years thinking you aren't worth anything, your value is only great enough to allow you to exist in this world and all the while hoping against hope that you are wrong and someday you will achieve enough worth to be of value to someone, maybe even attain that status of being priceless to someone. Maybe you think that is a bit dramatic; maybe it is, but the pain, hurt and torment of living like that cannot be summed up into any less dramatic words. Insecurity is quite possibly the worst thing someone, especially a woman, can live with. God did not intend for me to live that way and I don't wish to live that way any longer. So, being the independent, strong woman that I am, who is of value, I am determined to face this monster that has haunted me for years and vanquish it completely whether that take me a week, a month, or several years. I can do all things through Christ Who is my strength and that means even conquer the giant of Insecurity. It may be tough but I will overwhelmingly conquer through Christ Who always leads us in His victorious triumph.

Four Girls and A Beetle

Today was a great day. There were a lot of good things that happened, but something funny happened tonight on the way home. My friends and I had visited a friend and were on the way the home. My sister and a friend were in the back seat, my other sister was driving, and I was in the front seat. We had rolled down the windows to get some fresh air and a beetle flew in and landed on the dashboard. My sister who was driving freaked out. "Eek! Get it OUT!" She looked at me like I was supposed to do something. So, I reluctantly started reaching for the beetle to throw it back out the window. Unfortunately, the beetle had crawled down next to where the windshield reaches the dash and I couldn't get my fingers in far enough to grab him. I did, however, manage to knock him into the vent. "Great!" my sister said. "Now he's going to come back out and fly at me while I'm driving." "Don't worry about it. It's just a beetle." One of the girls in the back heard the commotion and launched into a story about beetles and spiders she'd captured. While she was talking the beetle flew out of the vent and calmly started crawling over the dash. My sister screamed again. "Get that thing out of here! It's dangerous for the driver!" "I can't," I replied. "I tried and I missed him." My sister then made a crack about how my fingers should be more nimble so I can do this sort of thing. I argued that it was not my agility that was a problem but the size of my fingers. They aren't made for picking up small bugs smashed inside the crevice of a windshield. She then told me I should be better at catching beetles. :o !!!!! Like I spend my time practicing this great skill. Ya right!!!!! My sister in the back seat then promptly asked me why I haven't employed myself in learning such an important skill. LOL!!! What a concept. Why hadn't I thought of it before???? Anyway, I kept trying to get the beetle out and only succeeded in knocking it back in the vent. The girl talking in the backseat stopped long enough to note my failure and then continued on with her story of the captured spider to which she fed a cockroach. My sister then came up with the bright idea of turning the vent on full blast and blowing the beetle out of the vent. Now mind you, this entire time we are driving down the road. At this point I think we are making the beetle more of a distraction than he could have ever been on his own. As she was turning the vent on my sister asked me if I thought it was a good idea, to which I responded, "Sure, if you want the beetle to shoot out at you while you are driving so that you totally distracted and quite possibly drive us off the road." She turned the vent off. The girl in the back finally wrapped up her story about the captured spider, ending it with a description of the fight between the spider and the cockroach. She then started talking about beetles that are flipped on their backs. I could tell she was just getting warmed up and was thankful we didn't have much longer to drive. We traveled for about 5 more minutes when the beetle resurfaced. No screaming this time, but my sister did flinch noticeably. I thought something in the road had scared her, but the talkative one in the back assured me it was the pesky beetle. We stopped temporarily to drop off the two girls in the back and my sister grabbed a piece of paper and attacked the beetle, finally sweeping it out of the car. The beetlewas gone, the incessant chatterbox in the back of the car was gone and I was laughing at the totally ridiculous situation my ride home had turned into. Sheesh!!!! I guess that beetle never knew what he was getting into when he flew into a car with four girls in it.

A Psalm

Not much to write today. Just wanted to post a Psalm I read yesterday and really liked. It says so much and is so appropriate for me and my life right now.

Psalm 27
The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?
When evildoers come upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.

Though a host encamp against me, My heart will not fear.
Though war arise against me, In spite of this I shall be confident.
One thing I have asked of the Lord, that shall I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord And to meditate in His temple.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice, And be gracious to me and answer me.
When You said, "Seek My face," My heart said to You,
"Your face, O Lord, I shall seek."
Do not hide Your face from me, Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help; Do not abandon me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the Lord will take me up.
Teach me Your way, O Lord, And lead me in a level path Because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see
the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.

I love this Psalm. Truly God has been all this and more to me and I am waiting expectantly to see all the wonderful things He will do and all the blessings He will bring in my life.