Having a Hard Time

It's Super Bowl Sunday and I should be with friends watching the game. Instead, I am sitting at home, alone. It's been a rough week and I just couldn't imagine myself being with anyone tonight. I wish I could say it was one thing in particular that's gotten me into this funk, but that would be too easy. No, as with most things in my life, this mood I'm in is as complicated as I am. The emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past two weeks has me feeling confused and exhausted. The most frustrating thing in all this is that I have so many unanswered questions. I hate when I can't answer something. My understanding something helps me to cope with it and not get overwhelmed by things. When I don't have answers and just don't understand things, I become very overwhelmed and it becomes hard to function. Adding to my mood is the fact that I am feeling pretty crumby about myself right now. I hate that I can't seem to keep my weight under control or stick with a fitness plan. I hate that because I am not healthy I feel like garbage 90% of the time. I hate that I don't know how to help myself do the things I want to do. I hate that I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I hate that I am lacking a very large body of knowledge that would make my life SO much easier. I absolutely HATE that I am so afraid of so many things. Yup, I am definitely down on myself at the moment. But what do I do about it? I don't want someone to tell me how great I am or how much I have going for me. I guess what I want most is for someone to hand me the proper tools and then help me start climbing out of this giant pit I am in. I know that I have people in my life who are trying to do just that; maybe I don't know how to accept their help. Sometimes, I feel like I am caught in life limbo. I am physically one age and have experienced so many things, yet, I feel mentally and emotionally young and inexperienced. Do you ever feel that way? It's such a confusing thing to experience, to feel. It can make you doubt yourself and the reality you live in. It can make you wonder if you will ever arrive in one place or if you will forever be in limbo. I hope, I pray that I will be able to leave this limbo one day and I am trusting that when I do eventually arrive somewhere it will end up being the place I was intended to be all along. I know this post is rather sad and brooding. It fits my mood tonight. I'm not sure my ramblings here have made much sense, but in the end, it helps me to air my thoughts, and that is the ultimate point of this blog. So, I guess that makes this post OK. Besides, no one has only sunny days with only happy thoughts, at least not on this earth. This post and others I've written like it are me being real with those of you who follow this blog. I'm not just some person who puts words out there for people to look at. I'm a real human being with struggles and hardships just like everyone else. Having this blog to help me work through the hard times allows me express myself and process through things and I think it's great. But, don't worry, there will be lots more happy posts in the future. :)