Unfinished Poem

The look of a newborn baby
The kiss of two lovers
The warmth of a family
The love of parents.

These are all beautiful things.
Their beauty is sometimes tangible
Sometimes not, but they are
Unarguably beautiful.

The touch of the one you love
The embrace of a grandparent
The caress of a tender child
The arms of a dear friend.

These are all beautiful things.
Their beauty is sometimes tangible
Sometimes not, but they are
Unarguably beautiful.

I have always known beauty tinged with pain.
I want to know beauty as it is, alone.

Catch Up

I know it's been FOREVER since I posted. Life has been busier than I have wanted it to be, but at least I am almost done with the craziness. I knew this past few weeks would be hectic, but that didn't make it any easier to get through. Now, I am almost done and I am certainly glad I am. It has been a lot of hard work to get things done. I can't even believe the amount of stress I have been under. One thing I can say, though, is that most of the hard work has paid off and I am in a pretty good place right now. That sense of satisfaction is really gratifying. I am finishing up the semester and hope to get good grades in all my classes. I took the GRE again, and while I wasn't thrilled with my score, it was a definite improvement from the last time I took it. Plus, from what I can find, the score will be good enough for any of the places I am applying. So, while I wish I had done better, I am happy that the score was good enough and that the burden of that is lifted from my shoulders. There are so many other things going on right now, but I will have to fill you in later. I am wrapping up my finals for this semester this week. I took one today and was NOT happy about it. The exam was nothing like any test or quiz we had had this semester. This class has been a pain in my neck all semester, but at least I did learn some things from it. Hopefully I will do well enough on the final to give me my desired grade. I have another final tomorrow, which I am happy to say I only need to take it to get the grade I want in that class and then one more at the end of the week. After that, I am off for a two week vacation and all I can say is HOORAY!!!!!!! This has been a long time coming and I am so excited about it. I can hardly wait! Hopefully there won't be any flight delays or any such troublesome thing happen and the trip will be everything I imagine it will be. I promise to post again this week. For now, that's it!

Excited!

I am so excited right now. This week I was given the chance to be a part of a research conference in the spring. This would be my first conference and first experience having to present research. I had no expectations of such an opportunity. I found out that my lab partner and research professor would be attending the conference and presenting, and that was alright. They both know the study far better than I do and have been working on it for far longer. Then, out of nowhere, my professor included me in the conference. I just about fell out of my chair when he volunteered me to help in writing the abstract for the paper we will be presenting. I kept asking myself, "Am I dreaming? Is this really happening?" Of course, there was a stress element to the whole procedure as I found out on Wednesday and the abstract was due that Friday. =O!!! So, my lab partner and I arranged a few hasty meeting and spent approximately three hours together working on a single paragraph abstract. We then spent time separately working on it and emailing back and forth the edits and changes that we thought needed to be made. By the time Friday morning came we sent the rough draft off to our professor, not feeling at all confident that we had succeeded in accomplishing the task we were given. Then, about an hour later we get this awesome email saying that our professor has looked over the abstract, reworked it, and given it back to us to make a few changes. When I looked at what he had written I was completely surprised to find that he had actually used most of the ideas, and even some of the wording, from what my partner and I had written. I couldn't believe it! He actually liked what we had done. There is still work to do, and amid my partner and I patting each other on the back for a job well done, we realize that we are not yet where we need to be, but, still, what a great experience! My first chance to actually be a part of the academic community with research and it is a success. I knew this was always something I wanted to do, but I must say that I have had my doubts as to whether or not I would actually be successful at it. I am feeling much more reassured at the moment. Now, I am completely excited about the conference in the spring. As a side note, another great aspect of this is that I have now had the opportunity to really work with the data and understand what is going on in the study so that I can be a contributing partner and not just an observer. That is perhaps the most exciting thing about all this. Woohooooo!!!!! I am excited about the things to come!

Thoughts

November is here and that means I can celebrate fall. I am so excited!!! Halloween is over and Thanksgiving has a full three weeks to be prepared for. I love fall. The colors are incredible, the weather is beautiful and the sense of warmth seems to be so much easier to find. I am extra thrilled that elections season is over, and that means I can enjoy my fall month with no interruptions. With all the TV time and obnoxious campaign phone calls I was finding myself counting the days until it was all over. Now it is and I so happy. I can't say that the results thrill me, but they were not unexpected. There are some very serious things happening in our country right now and this was reflected in this election cycle. There were certainly some concerning things accomplished last night; but there were some good things as well. When all is said and done you still have to wake up the next morning and get out of bed and find the best way to live your life, whether that be as a responsible citizen of this country or of some other country. Who the president is and who the Congress members are should not affect how you live your life. I know they won't affect mine. Besides, for all the Christians running around declaring doom and gloom on this country, I wonder how many of them are spending time on their knees asking God to bless and direct this country. I can say with absolute certainty that the majority of the problems in this country are a direct result of the inadequacy and inactivity of the Church and Christians in general. We have fallen down in so many ways. How can we expect those who do not know the Lord to live honest decent lives when so many of us do no better? How can we expect the poor and needy to look to us for help when we push them away or ignore them completely? How can we suppose that we are impacting our culture when many of us remove ourselves completely. The Bible says to be in but not of the world. It never tells us to remove ourselves from it. We cannot work effectively in this world if we are not immersed in it. How can someone see our light shining if we have removed it from their sight? If Christians were more of an example of the love of God and the light of Christ shining in and through us perhaps the world would have seen our good works and glorified our Father Who is in Heaven. I know that I have complaints about leaders and government, but I have always assumed that the large responsibility of bringing about change rested on my shoulders and it could not be transfered to another's without over burdening them. How can we preach to the world about Jesus when so many times we live and act as though the very real Divine Spirit living in us is simply not there? These are questions that fill my mind and challenge me to keep growing, to keep pressing on in my walk with the Lord, always pressing on towards goal for the prize of the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Dreams

The month just started and it seems to be gone already. I can't believe how much time flies! I have so many things to do, so many things I want to do, and so many things I will never have the chance to do. I could keep fretting about it, but I have decided that is pretty much pointless and I will focus on what I can do and must do and leave the rest to take care of itself. My schedule has been crazy for the past two months and I keep hoping that it will change, but I am now accepting that it won't, at least not any time soon. I have also decided that instead of wasting valuable time and energy hoping it will loosen up a bit, I am going to focus all my time and energy on doing what I need to do right now and making that as successful as possible. I have a lot of dreams and a lot of ambitions. There are so many things that I want to do and accomplish, and most of them have very little to do with myself. There are so many causes I would like to help, so many people whose lives I would love to touch; but I find myself asking how I do it all. It leads me to often wonder if perhaps someone can dream too much or have too many goals. I don't have an answer for that, but I don't know how to stop myself from dreaming and always reaching, so I just try to do the best I can and pray it is enough for now. It's funny, though, I seem to be that way about so many things in my life. I want to work in my field so badly. My biggest dream is to make a difference in the lives of people living with disorders; and that's what I strive for the most at this point. But, there are so many other things I like to do as well. The musician inside me is always screaming to get out. At this point I would love nothing better than for someone to give me the opportunity to do a concert. I just think it would be so much fun! The stage, the musicians, the music! *Sigh* There are other things as well that I would love to do. There are works I wish I could be involved in and groups I wish I could help. How do I do it all is the question. I have no effective way of doing it right now, but I will keep trying because there is something inside me that drives me and spurs me on. I can't get away from it. I think about it during the day and dream about it at night. The only answer I can see is to keep at it and hope that maybe one day I will be closer to realizing all the dreams I have that I am right now. At least that is a comforting thought.

Hard Times

I am so frustrated! I don't know what to do and I can't even think of anything new to try. I hate things that I do but I can't figure out how to fix them. I hate that I always seem to damage things that I can't fix. I have known for some time now that I am a broken person. I am broken in a lot of ways, some I fully know and others I haven't yet realized. It's sort of like when you know your car is not working properly but you aren't sure what all is wrong with it. You may know that the tires need air and the oil needs to be changed, but you are totally oblivious to the fact that the battery is about to die and the engine has massive problems. That's how I feel; it's how I've felt for a very long time. It's one of the reasons I was always scared of being close to someone. I was afraid that if anyone got to know me really well they would see all the broken things I saw and perhaps find a few more things. I was afraid that the damage would be too much for them to bear and eventually they would leave me with my mess. A little over a year ago I started trying to lay my inhibitions about myself aside and tried forming close relationships. I have to say that much of what I feared has been realized. The closer I get to people the more about myself I see and it's a painful situation. I have really worked on fixing the problems as they come up but it seems that there are so many I can't get a handle on them; and those closest to me seem to be losing their patience. I tell myself that I'm not that terrible, that my problems aren't that bad, but then why do they affect those I care about most in the way that they do? Sometimes I want to just run away until I can fix myself and come back as a whole person; but that's not real life. I have to keep at it, keep trying. I'm doing the best I can and that's all I can do. There are growing pains for sure, and I am sorry for those who have to be around for those pains, but at least I can say I am growing. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. For those of you who were hoping otherwise, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I am what I am -- a work in progress. If I trample on your toes or hurt your feelings in the process of my growing I am truly sorry and regret the things I have done to hurt you. Maybe you can do me a favor and stretch the bounds of your ability to love me and just keep rooting for me to reach my goal. I know that's a lot to ask of a person, but isn't that what relationships are about? I hate feeling like I put a drain on those I care about most, or that those I care about don't care to be around me. I am assuming a lot of that has to do with me and I am working on it. All I can ask is that you have some patience and maybe recall to mind that you might have been already or at some time in the future will be in need of loving patience.

About My Week

It's been an interesting week for me. I would say that it's been a little on the rough side but there have been many good things in it too. I had things happen this week that I was not expecting at all and to be quite honest, they really irritated me, but I did learn some things this week. To start off, I learned that God is indeed a merciful God and He is always watching out for me. I had several things I needed to get done and I was not feeling confident about them at all. I was really wanting to give up and just say I couldn't do it, it was too much to handle. Somehow, though, in the midst of it all I found the strength to push myself and to keep going, and now I am really glad I did. I had great news in my classes, which really encouraged me, and I saw again what great friends and family I have, which helped get past some things that I have been personally struggling with. I had a bit of a fiasco at my house this week, but even in that the Lord was so faithful to make provisions and give me just what I needed in that time. I am so thankful for the friends He provided and that He took care of the situation. I have to admit that it was hard for me to look at the glass as "half full", but I decided that I needed to, and now I am glad I did because it really was half full. I have realized about myself that I have learned numerous bad habits over the past several years of my life. Maybe it was my environment and maybe it was my proclivity towards certain weaknesses. Whatever the case, the habits are there and they need to be broken. I know this with my head, but when it comes time to doing something about it or making an active decision to make a change I shy away from what is difficult. I usually resort to what it comfortable, to what is habitual. This week, I think I won a battle in that fight. I realized that knowing you have a problem and not doing anything about it will not solve anything. You have to face it and deal with it, even when that feels extremely unpleasant. I didn't want to remain positive when my house was torn up, or when I was really missing my family, or when I felt like things right now are really hard to deal with; but I made a decision to do so, and now I am really happy I did. There have been a lot of good outcomes this week, despite all the frustrating things, and the good is what I choose to focus on. My house is a bit torn up, sure, but I get new walls and new paint out of it! I miss my family very much, but it will not always be this way and I can continue to work so that it doesn't stay this way. I don't like my crazy schedule and the fact that there is never enough time to do what I want and need to and to see the people I want to see, but it won't always be that way and I can get through this relatively short time of discomfort in order to obtain a goal that is far better. So, despite my crazy week I am feeling much more optimistic and encouraged as I start to face a new week. I know that learning to be positive and focusing on the good rather than the bad is not something learned overnight, but at least I have a good start and I am sticking with it. =D

A Triumph

I knew I needed to go, and I even wanted to go, but still I was hesitant. The thought of going to the gym, any gym, by myself was a terrifying one. I know that many will see that an in irrational fear and wonder what my problem is, but that doesn't stop it from being there. I don't like public places and lots of people, especially when I am feeling most vulnerable. I think that exercising and working out are probably the areas where I am weakest. I have a hard time working on these things when I am alone and the thought of having to do it in front of people, not to mention people who are staring at you, is not a pleasant one for me. Sure, I can ignore them and do what I have to do, but it takes a lot for me to do it. I know that I need to conquer this in order to do the things I need to do to be healthy, but most of my attempts have failed. I usually back out and give in to the fear, and find myself either staying home and doing exercises that do half of what I need or, worse yet, not doing anything at all. I want to do something about this. I have been thinking about it for weeks. This time, I was determined to succeed. I planned it the night before. I took steps to keep myself from backing out. I packed my things and made sure that I had everything so that there would be no excuse to not go. I had talked about this for a long time. I needed to do it. I kept telling myself that it wasn't that big a deal, trying to reassure myself that the task I was about to attempt was something I could do. As I grabbed my bag and headed out the door that morning I was still wondering if I would go through with it. Maybe I would just forget it and come home. I could always do my exercises at home. No, there would be workers at my house that day and I would not be able to exercise there. That was probably a good thing. All morning at work I kept thinking about it. I wanted to be successful but I was scared that I would give up and not go through with it. I kept looking at my bag. I had everything I needed; I just needed to go. I sat through class thinking about it. I thought about just forgetting it for the day. I told myself that I could always do it another day. I then quickly reminded myself that I had said that an hundred times and I still hadn't done it. Class ended and I knew I had to make myself do this. I shouldered my bag and started the trek across campus to the gym. Everything inside me wanted to walk the other way, towards my car, towards my comfort zone. I kept putting one foot in front of the other and finally arrived at the gym.  I walked through the doors, signed in, and headed for the machines.  I started my workout with little to no enthusiasm, but this was a battle with myself, not the exercise equipment.  I found myself to be a fierce foe.  Throughout the entire 45 minutes I was there my body kept telling me to quit.  But I pressed on.  When the timer on the elliptical went off and I stepped down onto hard floor again, I smiled.  I did it!  I beat myself, and that felt good.

A Glimpse At What I've Been Up To

So I have started back to school and life is a bit interesting these days. I have been so busy I haven't had much time for posting. Now I have a moment, so I will try to fill you in, but beware, this threatens to be a lengthy post. My first day back was a bit overwhelming. My tram was late getting me to class and the swarms of kids EVERYWHERE was just about more than I could handle. It rained that day and I got drenched, what fun! I tried to find my way around and get my textbooks in the bookstore and that turned into a very long time of waiting in line. I truly felt like a little fish in a big sea. What was even more interesting to me was that I felt like a prehistoric fish next to all these fresh young tadpoles. It was a different experience for me. All that first week I noticed things that distanced me from my much younger classmates. I was annoyed by the girl sitting next to me in class who insisted on writing checks to pay all her bills while the lecture was going on. Her constant rustling of papers was so distracting! The girls who sat several seats down from me were continuously clacking on their keyboards as they Facebooked and messaged their friends during the lecture. I was quite put out by all this as I found it so hard to concentrate on what the professor was saying rather than notice what these students were doing. I have learned how to ignore them in the past three weeks, but I must say that I am shocked anew almost every week at the rude and disruptive behavior exhibited by quite a few students. Throughout these past few weeks I have relearned what it means to have homework due, quizzes and exams pending and papers to write. There has been so much to do and it has taken me a while to get back into the groove of being a student. I can say, though, that I am enjoying what I am learning. This semester has afforded me an incredible opportunity in research and I am enjoying every minute of it! Each week I have my interests sparked again and my curiosity peaked as I look at the world of language and neurological processing. My three hours of research work every Wednesday morning are the highlight of my academic week, and I would venture to say my week in general.
Apart from school there have been other tings happening, mostly unpleasant. Work has proven to be an enormous thorn in my side in more ways than one and I am finding that I have to learn and re-learn new ways of separating my work life and demeanor from my personal life and demeanor. It's a tough task for sure, but I am committed to learning how to do it. I have also been sick for the past week, and I mean really sick. It has been so frustrating! To be sick is unpleasant in and of itself, but it fell on a really bad week for me. I missed homework assignments and an exam and then had to turn in homework and take an exam in less than prime condition. It has been rough for me, but I survived it and now I am moving on. On the personal front, I am still more in love than I could have ever imagined possible and I think it's great! My Mr. Darcy is my best friend and one of my strongest supporters. He always pushes me to achieve more and do better and he truly believes that I can do it. I don't know if that is blind enthusiasm or a justified faith in me, but I love him for it. One of my best friends just had a baby and I am thrilled to once again have a little person in my life to brighten things up. I have eagerly volunteered to babysit the new guy and I am more than excited to spend time with him.
There really is quite a bit going on in my life at this moment. There are so many decisions to make that I can't quite keep up with all of them, but at some point I will have it all nailed down; at least what I need for right now. This semester has started with a bang - lots to do and experience and so many more challenges that I ever wanted, but it is a crucial time for me and I am excited to see what will happen. I think I can say with some confidence that by the end of the year I will have made some life-altering decisions and will have walked through some doors that will take me down paths I have never yet traveled.

A Lesson

I learned something this past week, or maybe I just became aware of something. There is a person that I deal with on a regular basis that I do not really enjoy being around. This person seems to be quite ridiculous at moments when you are really hoping that they will not be, and they seem to love a good drama, and they are completely impractical about just about everything, and . . . I could go on and on; but I won't. Suffice it to say that I find this person one of the most irritating individuals I have to work with and I am not at all happy that I have had to deal with them for so long. That said, I realized something this week. That person, as irritating as they are, has something that I cannot say I possess - a very tender heart towards people you are not acquainted with. I can be a very tender-hearted person and get great joy out of doing things for those I love. However, I cannot say that I have a very tender heart towards those I do not really know. I am not mean, just a bit indifferent. I work in customer service and I hate it. Yes, customers can be pushy and rude and hard to deal with, but that is not the only reason I do not like my job. I don't like being pleasant and happy and actually caring about someone I don't really know. I know that sounds incredibly harsh of me and very selfish, but I think it is the truth, however ugly it may seem. I realized this past week that for all of the annoying, irritating qualities my bothersome person may have, they have a very tender heart. They will go the extra mile and help just about anyone, and for that I have to give them some credit. I think they really have a desire to help people and give them comfort when they are in need of it. Perhaps I "have it together" in areas this individual does not, but I could definitely learn a thing or two from them in this area; and in some ways I think I already have.

Memories

It's funny how memories can affect you. I often wonder what the brain is doing when you remember. How does it know which areas of the brain to trip to cause the emotions you feel and the reactions you have? For me, memories have a very deep impact on me. I can't get away from the flood of emotions that wash over me when I am remembering something. It's funny too because I have an excellent memory. I wonder if that has anything to do with why my memories have such a strong impact on me. I received some news this morning that shouldn't have been too terrible, but it really impacted me. As I was going over the information and what it meant, I found myself wondering why I was having such a strong reaction to the news. Then I realized it was the memories associated with this news that were affecting me so strongly. I was immediately transported from my room to a time not long ago when there was so much pain and grief. A time when I was not able to deal with that grief in a very good manner. The news caused me to remember and the remembrance brought to mind the pain. Then it dawned on my that I had never really gotten over what I was remembering. I had sort of "dealt with it" in an attempt to keep going and not collapse from the weight of everything that was happening, but I had never really allowed myself to grieve over it and let the grief takes its course. There had been so many other tears to shed that the thought of anymore was unbearable at the time, and yet, now the tears seem to flow so freely. Almost as if they have been waiting all the time for their chance at release. It's funny how we are. Although the events for which my memories have taken me back happened nearly 10 months ago, they are still so vivid in my mind, and this time there is little else there to push the emotions down, to keep them back until a later time. That means that I should deal with them, go through the process of grieving; but I am still not ready to do that, or perhaps I do not know how. So, I suppose I will have my little release and then box up the emotions until a later time, when I really can face them, or until another memory brings them to mind.

My Life

I know it's been a while since I posted. Sorry. I've wanted to post but there have been various things that have stopped me. One of which has been not knowing what to say. I feel like I am changing in so many ways and there are so many transitions going on that I am not sure I can make sense of everything right now. I'm not sure of many things any more, and that's not a bad thing. I feel like I need to go through this process of rediscovery in order to work through some things in my life and most importantly in order to be a whole person. As I look back over my life I am amazed at just how broken and destitute I have been in so many areas of my life. I have needed to fix multiple things for quite a while, but have never gotten down to it. Well, now I am. It's kind of a scary process, but a necessary one, and I am glad I am doing it. The road from childhood to adulthood has always been a bit daunting to me, and now, as I am walking it, I am finding it is more so than I ever imagined it would be. But, I have also found along the way that I can do so much more than I ever thought possible. In so many ways I have had to rebuild and recreate my life over the past 9 months, and it has been difficult to do. Yet, in looking back at even the small amount of progress I have made I am not willing to quit and give up. It's been hard, frustrating, heart-rending at times, but well worth it. Sometimes it takes stepping out of your momentary situation to realize what exactly is going on. We get so caught up in the here and now and what is facing us at this exact moment that it becomes hard to see the larger picture and remember the larger goals we are working for, but one glance at that larger view and the present seems to be so much better. Or maybe it's just that you have a much better perspective on things and so the close up is not so frightening. Sort of like when a painter focuses on one section of his canvas and begins to get frustrated with it, so he takes a step back to remember what the whole goal of his painting is. Then he can zero back in on that one section and keep working on it. It's interesting how that works that way. I guess that's what my life is like right now. I know there is a larger picture and I try to keep that picture in my mind, but sometimes I lose sight of it and become completely focused on one tiny bit of the massive canvas that is my life. Usually I become horribly frustrated or depressed or just plain angry that things are not going the way that I think they should or want them to. At that moment it is best for me to take a cue from the painter and step back to get a better, broader perspective of what it is I am working towards. That view of the larger part helps me work through the smaller things, giving me a renewed desire to keep at it, hoping in the end my "canvas" will indeed be something beautiful and not just another attempt.

The Rain

It's rainy today and it's beautiful. I love Tucson in the monsoon season. I love to hear the rain as it falls and watch the lightening streak across the sky. I love to hear the thunder and feel it vibrate my very being as it rumbles in the dark sky. I love the rain, especially Tucson summer rain! It's great. Such a blessing. I'm so glad the Lord saw fit to bless us with storms. They are so beautiful and such a great tangible reminder of how wonderful God truly is. I am sitting here remembering how much I posted last summer on the rain and realizing how little I have said about it this summer. Perhaps the rain and storms in my own life have kept me from noticing the magnificent natural occurrences happening all around me. Now, I am pausing to notice and I am thrilled that I have. It's always seemed a little odd to me how much I love the rain when so many see it as dreary and unwanted. I never have seen it that way. It has reminded me of tears a time or two and has seemed like a picture of the inner workings of my person at times, but it has never been a bad thing for me. I love the coolness that the rain brings, the sense of relief - like a long drink after a time of thirst - that it brings, and most of all I love how vibrant it makes the everyday colors and shapes that we see. A tree is just a tree in the sunlight; but darken the sky with clouds and let the rain fall and suddenly it is a vibrant mass of brown and green that seems to shout, "I am ALIVE!!!!" It's wonderful! There's nothing like it. I love to walk outside after it rains and notice the world around me. It never seems to be as vivid and plain to me as it is at that moment. The rain clears the fog and pollutants that cloud the atmosphere and hinder our clear vision of the world, and perhaps it clears our own eyes so that they are opened anew to the wonderful, beautiful world the Lord has created all around us. The rain and what it does is something I will always be thankful for and I am glad I have that reminder of just how beautiful and benevolent my wonderful Saviour is. He gives us rain to help us grow and to wash away all the debris that may cloud our vision. Yes, I love the rain!

The Girl, Part 6

As she gathered her things to go the girl paused a moment to take one last look around the castle. There was where she had spent her time as a child. There was the woman who had been so kind to her in her rough adolescent years. There was the friend who had given her so much support in some of the darkest hours of her life here at the castle. There were the children who had been such a source of joy to girl. There was that one special child that seemed to be linked to the girl with a soul tie that could not ever be truly broken. Yes, there would certainly be things that she missed. She had loved the people in the castle, loved many aspects of castle life, but now it was time to move on, time to find the truth and live it. As she looked around she tried to prepare herself to say good bye to her family and friends and start the long journey back to her current place of residence. She had a heavy heart as she prepared to go for she knew that in many ways the relationships she had had at the castle would never be the same again. There was a place in her heart that would forever be empty of the joy it had once felt. She would never again experience the closeness with those in the castle she had once been so close to. It was a sorrowful thought, but it was a reality. So, she squared her shoulders and began her exit from the castle. After the sad goodbyes and tight embraces, the girl waited for the gates to open and then passed through them on to the road that would take her home. With each step away from the castle she felt a new freedom. It was as though an unseen chain was loosening as she moved away from the castle. Each step forward left another link to the chain lying in the dust behind her. She felt as though a giant burden had been lifted from her shoulders and she could now breathe the air as she was intended to.
The girl would follow this road home to her house and from there she knew not where she would go, but it didn't matter. She knew that she was on the right path and that as long as she stayed on that path she would find her destiny, fulfill her quest for answers. With each day things began to grow clearer and thoughts of the future became less clouded with doubt and more full of hope. There were answers, there was a purpose to her life, and she could succeed at being what she was created to be. Her return to her house was the next step in her journey and it would allow her to prepare for the steps that would follow. An air of anticipation hung over her as she traveled home. She was so excited about what the future held for her. She could not and would not look back at the castle. Yes, her family and many friends were there, but they had chosen to remain, had chosen to close their eyes to the truth and she could not shake them into reality. She would miss them and the closeness of their bond, but she must move on. Her life lay in front of her and she must grasp it and push onward, never looking back to the hinderances and bondages that the castle represented to her. She was free!!! And how she enjoyed being free!
There was a smile on the girl's face as she reached home and settled into her house. The unseen chain was gone, it's links scattered over the road she had trod to get here. She did not have all the answers she wanted nor was she satisfied with her life at the moment, but she now had hope that she could indeed be successful in her aims and goals. She relished the thought that she was now truly free to be and accomplish all that she was intended for. There was a bliss in knowing that she could now start the great adventure that would be her life.

A Thought

I know I've been telling a story recently and I will continue with it, but I have some thoughts that I wanted to express in the meantime. For the past 10 years, at least, I have thought that I had some good ideas about relationships and about what love is and how it works between two people. I came to the realization today that maybe those thoughts haven't been the most realistic. Maybe I have been attempting to live a fairytale dream, hoping that what I thought should be would wind up being what is. I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I have made some very grave misjudgments on what does and does not constitute loving someone. I feel completely ridiculous and childish saying this, but I don't think I have been very in touch with reality. Quite frankly, I am scared at the decisions I have made and the ones I will soon have to make, wondering if maybe I have gotten it all wrong. I know everyone goes through something like this in their life but I just didn't see this coming. I thought I knew what I wanted, what I was looking for, the way it should play out. How incredibly wrong I have been!!!!! Suddenly, all those things I was so sure of I am not so sure of anymore and larger, more pressing questions come into play - ones that have absolutely no romantic link to them whatsoever. What if I make too many mistakes and can't recover from them? What if I decide the wrong thing? What if I put myself in a position that I can't get out of? I know these question, and perhaps even this entire post, may seem a bit dramatic and over done to most of you, and maybe you are right. Perhaps I am just feeling skiddish about some things, but nonetheless, I am feeling that way right now. A very wise friend keeps telling me that I can't rush to make certain decisions and for the most part I have laughed him off thinking he was just commitment shy or being much too cautious, but now I see how wrong I was. I thought I was being careful, thought I was making thoughtful decisions, but what if I wasn't? What if I was just operating off of emotions? Then what? What if I wake up one day and realize I have made an incredibly huge mistake and there's no turning back? These are frightening thoughts for me but at the very least they are sobering. I realize that I have not been taking some things as seriously as I should and maybe, just maybe I have been too hasty in some of my decisions and judgments. It's definitely worth looking over again. Definitely worth taking time to stop and re-evaluate. At the very least I can say that I have learned a valuable lesson in what it means to jump into something too quickly, when you feel like you are ready but if you just stop and take a step back you would realize that maybe you are not quite as ready as you thought you were. Hmm. That leaves me with quite a bit to think about and some to re-think about. I guess that's the way life goes sometimes.

The Girl, Part 5

The girl was visiting the castle and in so many ways she was enjoying herself. It was so good to see old friends and visit with family. There was nothing like being able to wrap her arms around her loved ones and give them a warm embrace. She was most thankful for the chance to catch up with those who were closest to her heart and just having the chance to hold them in her arms meant the world to her. Most of the people in the castle seemed genuinely happy to see her, and yet, there were those who were most decidedly unhappy with her presence. As the girl moved about the castle and visited everyone she was surprised at the odd way in which warmth and coldness, love and hatred seemed to be mixed. For all the warm greetings and cheerful hello's there was one cold shrugging off, complete denial of her presence. At times it was those who were once closest to her that treated her this way and the pain she felt tore through her like a knife ripping through her very soul. She tried to ignore it and move on, but she could not deny the deep hurt that tugged at her heart each time these encounters happened. No, she could not stay here. The castle was not her final resting place in the journey of her life. She would need to keep searching. The time of her visit would most assuredly come to an end and when it did she would leave, never to return again. Perhaps she might visit again, but she would never live withing the walls and confines of the castle ever again. The realization of this made her look at castle life more deeply. What did it all mean? Why did the inhabitants live their lives locked away and shut off from the rest of the world? What were they trying to keep out? What were they hiding from? Why did they try to create a world of their own when they were still very much living here on the earth? These questions filled the girl's head as she wandered too an fro about the castle. It was strange that she had ever been a part of it. Almost surreal in the realization of it. But had she ever really been a part of it? She didn't think so. She had been born into the castle, but the castle had not been born into her, and that is what made all the difference in the world. She was not like her family. They were very much a part of the castle, for better or for worse. They didn't seem to be able to separate themselves from it. But the girl couldn't seem to bind herself to it. The ties that tried to bind her never held and because of it she could now look at life here in the castle with a much more open, objective view; and that led to some startling realizations for the girl.
She had been happy as a child here in the castle. Well, in some ways. Upon remembering her childhood there had been things that were really great but there were other things, terrible things, that had not been so great. She had always wondered why she had experienced the bad things in a place that seemed so loving and warm. Now that she was older and had returned, she knew why. It was the same reason that some of the inhabitants treated her so coldly. Intolerance, bitterness, hatred, selfishness, and fear. These things resided in the residents of the castle, filling some of them completely, and it did what it could only do - produce mean, cold-hearted, unforgiving people. On the surface they were not so, but deep inside that is what they were. The girl noticed that it seemed to be much more apparent in the older people, with the younger people not being quite as affected, but if they did not guard against it, it would take them over as well.
Now, as the girl roamed the castle the walls seemed cold and uninviting, the life seemed tainted and unpleasant. It was not what she had been trained to think it was. It was an illusion, an attempt on the part of those that lived there to fulfill an ideal in a faulty, flawed manner. The result was a dangerous deception and a removal from reality. No wonder the walls of the castle had been erected with such thickness and height. No wonder they kept the gates so locked up and the inhabitants safely bound inside. No wonder they guarded the castle and their life inside so fiercely. No wonder they could not bear to be a part of the outside world. Any glimpse of reality, any encounter with truth would shake the very foundations of the world they had created and then what would they have? Nothing but a heap of rubble and years of wasted lives. That would be a lot to deal with and no one was volunteering for the task. Instead, they were attempting to press on with the dream, the illusion, hoping that it would one day become a reality, a truth they would not have to defend.
The girl returned to her room and began packing her things with a heavy heart. She knew that she must sever the ties that bound her to this place once and for all. She could not return. She had seen it for what it really was and she could not close her eyes to the truth and pretend it was not what it was. She now understood why she had so many unanswered questions. She would leave this place of lies and illusions and keep traveling until she found her answers. She knew they were out there as sure as she knew she was alive. There had to be a way to find them. Perhaps her experiences here at the castle would help her in her quest. It could not have been for nothing that she had started on this journey. There must be purpose and a plan to it all and she would strive to find that plan.

Thank You

I know I have been writing a story and I will finish but I just had to interrupt briefly. I haven't written much this past week because I was getting ready for a house warming party for my new house. It was the first real event that I have had to totally plan all by myself and I was really nervous over it. But, I am happy to report that everything went off really really well and I am so happy with the outcome. Of course, I couldn't have done it without some really great friends and family and I just wanted to say thank you to all who were involved. You guys were awesome! The help and support was so welcome and so timely. I really couldn't have done it without you. Thank you! My house looks beautiful and the even went so well. I managed to get the food done and on the table and actually not be 100% frazzled over it. I was so proud of myself and my house and so grateful to my friends and family for helping make it possible. It was a weekend to remember.

The Girl, Part 4

The new day dawned with the sun shining brightly and the girl feeling refreshed from a good night's rest. She was surprised at how well she had slept but glad for the much-needed rest. As she gathered her things and got ready to head towards the castle her heart was racing and her mind was full of wonderings. How would her family receive her? How would she feel about the castle after being away for so long? What would her perspective of castle life be now? As she traveled closer and closer to the castle gates she tried to stop the thoughts from crowding her mind and overwhelming her. As she stepped up to the portal to ring the bell and enter she drew in her breath very slowly. She calmed her nerves and determined to remain in control of herself. As the gates swung open she gasped at the scurrying and bustling of castle life that greeted her. It was all just as she had remembered. The people everywhere running about trying to keep schedules, the children - so many of them!- gathered around her to greet her. They had not forgotten her and their glad cries of welcome assured her that they had not stopped loving her. The girl stepped into the castle and felt the doors close behind her, but she decided to ignore this and instead focus on immersing herself in castle life, at least for the moment. Her family came to see her and one by one she hugged and kissed them, so happy to see them all! She reacquainted herself with those who might not have remembered her and made a mental note to be sure that during her visit she stopped and said hello to everyone she knew. The love and warmth that she had remembered was still there. The welcoming, embracing bond that is shared by those that have shared a lifetime together was still very strong between the girl and those in the castle. Yes, she was home, and she knew it. Yet, she found herself wondering what home really meant. She had all the nostalgic feelings and tugging of the heart strings that assured her she was very much a part of the castle and its secluded world and it was very much a part of her, but that was not all there was to the feelings. There was something more, something she couldn't quite describe, but was so very real to her. She would wait until her stay at the castle was over before she tried to describe or even determine for herself how she really felt or what those feelings meant.
The girl finally made it to her temporary residence and began to unpack her things. She would settle into life at the castle for the time of her visit and hope that it would provide her with answers. She had no idea how the visit would turn out but she was here now and there was no turning back. Maybe now that she was older and more experienced she would be able to see the things her parents and the older members of castle society had always insisted were the right ways of doing things, the proper paths the follow in one's life. This time of visiting would be at least one more attempt at seeing things their way, of trying to see what the right things were, what the truth was. She hoped that it would at the very least give her some idea of where to find her answers she had looked so long and hard for.

The Girl, Part 3

The girl had thought about returning to her home many times. She spent time remembering her favorite spots in the castle, her favorite things to do, and her favorite people to spend time with. She missed her family and the things that were familiar to her. Perhaps she would travel back just for a visit. At least she would be able to see her family and maybe the visit would help clear her mind, give her some sense of direction, some idea of where she could really find the answers to her questions. Going home, returning to the castle definitely seemed like a good idea. She packed her bags, just taking a few things with her. After all, she was going to return. The trip home was only a short one; she wouldn't make a final decision until after her visit. She gathered her things and started back towards the castle. Along the road she met several people. She interacted with them, asking questions, being her usual curious self. She didn't really know for sure what she would accomplish from continuing to ask the questions that filled her mind. No one seemed to know how to answer them; but still she hoped that there were answers, and so she kept asking. While she traveled she also spent time reflecting on her life. She looked back to her childhood, as far back as she could remember. She made herself remember as much as she could, both the good and the bad. There were certainly many good memories to be had, but there were also some very unpleasant ones. She remember the strict hold the castle dwellers had over her life. She remembered the hard tedious schedule she had to fulfill every day. The girl began to be troubled. Perhaps she wasn't quite ready to go home yet, but she was already on the road that led there. She had already traveled many days. No, she would not turn around at this point. She had come too far to stop. She would return to the castle no matter what. By this time she desperately wanted to see her family and to feel their loving arms around her, and she wanted to be where her most pleasant memories where. She found herself in quite a state. There was a part of her that wanted to go home so badly, to feel the security of the castle walls once more, to live the set life that had been given her. Yet there was a side of her that never wanted to return to the bondage of those castle walls, that never wanted to relive the pain and hurt she had experienced at the hands of those who were closest to her. She had thought that leaving the castle would free her, would answer the questions that had haunted her, but at this point it had not. She had thought that returning home would help her clear her head and maybe shed some light on what she should do next, but as she got closer to the castle she was not so sure that was a good idea. Her days were filled with trudging forward, her feet feeling heavier with each step she took. Her nights were filled with dread and nightmares which shook her to her very core. She would awake in a sweat and pray for morning to come so she wouldn't have to face the dreaded demons of the night.
Finally, she was within one day's reach of the castle. When the sun rose the next morning she would be at the castle, the gate opening, her family waiting to greet her. Perhaps at that moment there would be some clarity. Perhaps then she would be able to see what she should do.
All day, as she pressed towards the castle her thoughts returned to what she remembered of life in the castle and what she had seen of life outside its boundaries. There seemed to be so much outside the castle walls that was bad. People lived aimless lives for the most part. They cared little for those around them. SELF seemed to be the number one thing most people worshiped and the girl couldn't help but notice that for all their self-adoration, they found themselves surprisingly empty. Of the people she had talked to, few bothered to even acknowledge the questions she was asking and even fewer attempted at an answer. The ones who did gave very little insight. It had been a frustrating last few years for her, but had it been any worse than living inside the thick, impermeable walls of the castle with no hope of experiencing anything other than what was in front of her? She didn't know. Honestly, she just didn't know. Tomorrow would be another chapter in the story of her quest for answers. She would wait until then before she asked anything else of herself. With some luck she could quiet her thoughts, and her nerves, and get some rest. The next day would be a big one for her and she would need her wits about her. Hopefully the new day would bring new hope for her and her quest for answers and maybe shine some light on her seemingly dim life. . . . . . .
To Be Continued

The Girl, Part 2

So, the girl left the castle and headed out into the large unknown world she had heard so much about. She really had no idea where she was going or what she was going to do now that she was gone, but she knew that she had questions that were still not answered and she wanted the answers. It was several days and then weeks and months and finally years that the girl was away from the castle. She had never really settled down anywhere but had kind of wandered from place to place, always searching for the answers to her questions. There were a few people every now and then that would give insight or help her arrive at conclusions that she felt like might be the right answers but for the most part she found that the people outside the castle were not much different from the people inside the castle. They knew very little about what the girl asked about and were only concerned with their own personal lives. They might not have been living inside a castle, but they might as well have been. Their line of sight was just as short and narrow as people in the castle. They couldn't see past the boundaries of where they lived. For the most part people were caught up in the everyday tasks and schedules that they followed and gave very little thought of anything else. There was nothing really spectacular about being on the outside; nothing extraordinarily enlightening. The girl began to remember what life was like inside the castle and what all the "outsiders" had told her about the world outside the castle. She remembered their taunts and how they ridiculed her for her lack of experience in the world. Well, now they couldn't ridicule her any longer. She had lived outside the castle, she had seen what they had seen and experienced what they had experienced, and what did she have to show for it? There was nothing so great about the world outside. There was nothing incredibly special about being outside the castle walls. She was not really any better out here than she was in the castle. Perhaps she would return and see if maybe the life there wasn't for her after all. Perhaps now that she had seen what was outside the castle and knew that the answers to her questions did not lie there that she would be content with the castle and its walls and life would begin to finally make sense. And so, the girl began to think of returning home and returning to the life she had always known. . . . . . . . . . . . .
To Be Continued

The Girl in the Castle

There once was a girl who lived in a castle far far away in a land of enchantment. The castle was strong and well-guarded so that it's inhabitants were never disturbed by the outside world and the outside world was never able to get to them unless for some reason or another the entry way was opened for a brief moment and a gift or visitor was allowed to enter. This girl knew only her life in the castle and for most of her years she found it hard to imagine that there was anything but the castle. To her the castle seemed large and full of life. There were family and friends, the young and the elderly, events and holidays and all the things that it seemed would be found in a world. But, alas, the girl was a dreamer and one with an intense curiosity about life. She read books and asked questions and observed those around her to see if she could find answers but she was not satisfied with the answers she was given. In her quest for knowledge and understanding she even went beyond the bounds of the castle. She made the acquaintance of several "outsiders", either on their trips into the castle or on the very rare occasion that the girl would venture out of it. With these "outsiders" she would talk for endless hours asking all sorts of questions, engaging in all sorts of dialogue. There was just one problem though. The "outsiders" had a habit of making fun of the girl. They would tease her about living inside the castle and about living a "sheltered" life. The girl never quite understood this and did her best to ignore them, but the teasing and taunting only increased the more that her exposure to "outsiders" increased. Because the girl was curious and she had so many questions she would continue her conversations with these people, but not a day went by that they would not encourage her to flee the castle or poke fun at her for remaining there. They would tell her that her world was not real and point out that she had no idea what was going on in the rest of the world or even that there was a rest of the world. She was completely oblivious to anything outside her own small line of sight. Of course these accusations deeply distressed the girl and she began to take another look at the life she had lived. Slowly it dawned on her that there was an air of truth to what the "outsiders" had been saying. Suddenly the castle seemed stuffy and confining. The people seemed no longer to be loving and caring but obsessed and overly protective. No, this was no place for the girl to stay. She must leave and find out what the world really contained. No wonder she had not been able to get answers in such a confined, constrained environment! At last she would be free to pursue her quest for answers without limitations! Yes, she must leave the castle. There was no other solutions, no other acceptable option. The path she must take was in front of her and she had no choice but to take it. She must be free from the stifeling repression of castle life.

To Be Continued . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

My Birthday

It's my birthday today and I must say that thus far it has been one of the best birthdays I have ever had. Normally my annual celebration of getting older is not all that exciting and for the most part I must say that it has been something of dread for me. But this year that has not been the case and I am so happy it hasn't. I decided to do most of my celebrating this past weekend as that was when my friends and family were free to be with me. I took the day off Friday and spent it with my best friend. We had so much fun together. We really just hung out and relaxed. I went to see Kung Foo Panda and I loved it!!!!! Such a funny movie! We had dinner and then we met up with several other friends and went bowling. I know, that probably sounds a bit strange to most of you but it was really fun. We did the cyber bowl which is where the entire alley is darkened but the lanes are lit up and there are these sort of disco lights that shed light over the lanes. There are large screens at the back of the lanes and they are showing videos while music is playing. They played new stuff and old stuff, slow stuff, country stuff, and just about every genre out there. It was great! I haven't had that much fun in forever. Of course I looked completely ridiculous in my bowling shoes because I was wearing a skirt that night. I actually looked like something out of a 1950's movie. Pretty hilarious! My friends and I had so much fun from dancing to the music to doing really well in bowling and doing really horribly in bowling. We were rolling balls down the alleys granny style or just letting them roll from very far back. It was so funny. I'm sure anyone watching us was laughing at us. Anyway, I was glad we went. It was everything I wanted it to be, and I got some very cool DS games out of the whole deal. Hoorah!!!! Saturday I played Mario Kart on a friend's Wii and ran some errands. After that I got more birthday presents, ones that I was uber happy about. There were two that were very sentimental and they are now sitting on my dresser to remind me of the wonderful person that gave them to me, and the other one I was ecstatic about and oh so grateful for. After all that I met and had ice cream with my mom and sisters. That was good too. Sunday, I went to church and that was just awesome. I love how God reaches down and speaks to us through His Word and through those that He has placed in ministry. The sermon in church was just what I needed and it was so encouraging for me. After church I got another present and a card from a very special person and I have to tell you, it made my day, my weekend, my birthday. (Sighhhhhhhhh) Then I celebrated my dad and that was fun too. I found a great card and wrapped his present and gave it to him. We had lunch and told funny stories. It was a good time. The rest of the day was pretty laid back and I spent the evening trying to catch up on some things. Today I'm at work. Not much of a birthday present but I am enjoying the numerous text messages and facebook greetings that have found their way to me. I even got a voice mail from my kid sister singing me Happy Birthday. It was great! So, this has definitely been one of the best birthdays I have ever had and the day is still not over. That's a good feeling! This week will be kinda stressful for me but I think this past weekend was a good preparation for it. I guess we'll see what happens and I will keep you posted.

Exciting!!!!!

I have so much stuff!!!! I can't believe how many things I have accumulated over the past few years. It is an unreal amount of things. But, I am very thankful that for the first time in my life I have some place to put them. I have never really had a room of my own, much less a house of my own, and although the task of putting everything in order has been a big one I am so happy about all the space. My room actually looks great and I don't feel like I have to put clutter all over the place. There is place for each thing which means that I can keep it in order. Yay!!! I hate things being messy but my problem in the past has been that there just wasn't any room for it anywhere else besides a huge pile hidden in the closet. Now there are shelves and cabinets and drawers for everything and that makes me so happy. In case you missed it, I have actually been working on the organizing part of moving into my house and I have gotten a lot done this week. I am at that point where the stress is not bad and I am really excited about doing things and getting things done. My friend and I went shopping last night and stayed up super late arranging my room and I am thrilled with the outcome. It is not finished by any means, but it is well on its way to looking great. It's funny too how it all worked out because I had a certain idea in my head of what I wanted and my friend had a certain idea too, but we couldn't find the things we needed to make it happen. Then, all of a sudden, it was all right in front of us and it worked out really well. I can't wait until it is all done to see what the end result will look like! It will be a room that is all my own with unique decorations and arrangements that are me. I love it! I am also happy about what the rest of the house is shaping up to look like. It's just going to be great! Ok, I just realized I a gushing and I guess I should stop. LOL. Sorry. I almost can't help it. I am so excited right now. Actually, there are so many things that I am excited about right now that it is hard for me not to go off on just about anyone about the million and one things going on in my life right now. There are so many things happening and so many good things about to happen. I can't wait to see what the end results will be. So, I guess that's sort of what I am up to for now.

A Lesson

It's June and I am finding myself wondering where the first six months of this year went. Is it just me or does the time seem to go by faster as you get older? This year has definitely been a full one for me, but I didn't think it would go by that quickly. It seems I blink and yet another month is gone. Sheesh!!!! Guess I will have to be more alert as to where my time is going. At least I can say I have something to show for all my time. I am registered and ready to start school again in the fall, I have moved in and am making sense of my new house, I am a fully responsible adult now paying all my own bills (that part I am not thrilled about), and I am adjusting nicely to living on my own. I still don't care for it all that much, but I am getting used to it. I would much prefer to come home to someone, but that is not possible right now, so I deal with it. My summer is looking rather busy but I am actually looking forward to it. I might even get to travel some and that is really exciting for me. I don't know what happened but somewhere between last week and the beginning of this week I quit stressing about everything. I just made the decision that things will get done if I keep working on them and it doesn't really matter most of the time how long it takes me to do them. I know there are things that have to be done right away, but that is not true for most things. However, I did not grow up that way. My life has been STRESSSFUL for as long as I can remember with everything seeming to be a hard deadline of NOW and nothing being able to wait for it to be done sanely and rationally. I think I'm just realizing that that is not the only way to do things. My house needs to be cleaned and decorated and organized, but it doesn't have to all be completed TODAY. It won't kill anyone if I do what I can each day without killing myself trying to finish it. All I have is about 2 or 3 hours to work on it each day, but that is O.K. You cannot imagine how much relief that gives me. It is now day 3 of this week and I am feeling better than I have in weeks. And, oddly enough, I am actually accomplishing more now that I am less stressed than I was when I was stressing about getting everything done. It would appear that all that worrying wore me out and left me with no strength to do anything else. Now that I am not worrying I am able to rest and then have the energy I do to get things done. So, I guess that's my big lesson for the next little while. Quit stressing! Things will get done sooner or later and it doesn't matter which one comes first.

Relationships

I am by no means a relationship expert. In fact, I have a lot of ideas and zero experience, which makes me a bit of hazard when it comes to relationships, romantic ones that is. I have no idea what I am doing and it is so aggravating. I don't know if I'm doing the right things, the wrong things, or something that doesn't matter either way. I think I am showing a person how much I care about them and I end up annoying the heck out of them. Then, I pull back and try so hard to not do that and I end up offending them. There isn't anyone I have asked for help that has really given me any, which, quite frankly is a bit frightening. Does no one know what they are doing and how these things are supposed to work????? Of course there is the small problem that I don't really feel like there is anyone I can talk to about it completely so it limits what they can give me advice on and what I can ask advice on, but that shouldn't be that unusual, right? I mean, what did people do before there were marriage/relationship counselors? They had to have been able to work things out on their own, so why can't I? Honestly, I feel so completely lost. I never have understood the whole dating thing anyway and now that I have a relationship I understand it even less. What is it even? How do you pretend you are serious with someone but your not? How to do get close but keep yourself from getting too close? How do you let someone in but shut them out all at the same time? I realize that relationships take patience, something I never really realized before, but how do you proceed in something when there is so much uncertainty? My thinking has always been that the relationship is just temporal until there is a commitment made - either marriage or the declared intention to get married. Yet, in the living out of that it is so much more complex than that. What happens if you both really care about each other but marriage is not an option at the moment? Then what? Well, you can wait but it's hard to know where the boundaries are and what is the right or wrong thing to do both with yourself and with the other person. It's so frustrating! How do you tell yourself to not care about someone so much, especially when that person is your best friend? How do you keep yourself from falling completely and totally in love with someone that you grow closer to each day? I know love is a choice in so many ways, but it is also an emotion that grows with the growing of relationships. The relationship will either foster and encourage love or it will kill it. What do I do if it encourages it but I can't act on it? Do I pretend it isn't there? Oh, I don't know. There are so many opinions on the "right" way to do it, but I am not settled with any of those opinions. The only thing I am settled with is learning more and more how to put my trust in the Lord in this area of my life and continuing to make choices and do things in my relationship that will bring honor to Him and will encourage both myself and my significant other to seek the Lord and grow in His grace and knowledge every day. In the end that is the best way that I can love someone anyway and it is the only thing I am absolutely sure of. I don't know if any of this made any sense but that's what happens when the writer is confused!

This Summer

Summer is upon me and I am not sure I am happy about it. There seem to be so many things to do, so many mountains to cross, and so many goals to reach. There are some really good things on the horizon for me but I am missing the sense of excitement I feel like should be there. I want to take on the challenges that are facing me but I am not sure I am up to it. I will be working more this summer than I ever have before and I will be facing things in my personal life that are completely new for me. Of course none of that is bad and I don't want to complain about it; I'm just not sure of how it will turn out. To give you some idea of the next two months: I have to finish putting my house together, I will then have a house warming, I will have family come to visit, I will travel to California to visit family, I will help a friend have a baby shower, I will be studying for the GRE, I will be scheduling classes and work for the fall, I will be valiantly trying (and succeeding) at getting in shape, and of course I will be working. I'm actually glad that I have a lot to do because it will keep me busy, but I have to admit that I am a bit fearful of the outcome. What if I fail at doing everything and I can't start the fall the way I need to? What if it proves to be too much for me to handle? I don't know. Maybe I am totally overreacting. I guess there isn't really much for me to do but take it one step at a time and just keep trying to reach all my goals. If I don't get to all of them I guess it won't be the end of the world; I'll just be disappointed. When I stop and look at things seriously I know that they are do-able and I know that I am actually very excited about many things; I just need to not let those things overwhelm me. So, I will be practicing relaxing a great deal and hopefully this summer I will learn a little bit more about not stressing over things that don't need to be stressed over. =)

The Flight

I got on the airplane with a little hesitation. It was cloudy and very windy outside. I don't like flying anyway and I especially dislike it when there is bad weather to contend with. I knew the flight would be a short one this time but that wasn't really much of a comfort. I found my seat, stowed my carry on and strapped myself in. The plane was very full today. I looked out the window and wondered how much the strong gusts of wind would affect the flight. Soon everyone was boarded and we were preparing for take off. We started down the run way and into the air. The winds tossed the plane to and fro, making us pitch and sway like we were on a ship in the open seas. We climbed higher and higher, the wind still slamming against us. We were over the clouds soon enough, but the turbulence still seemed to affect us. I felt like I was on a roller coaster thousands of feet in the air and I was not comfortable at all. I realized how completely powerless I would be to do anything if something went wrong with the plane. I was growing more uncomfortable with each wave of turbulence that washed over the plane. Then I noticed the girl in the seat in front of me. We both had window seats and she was leaning on the arm of her seat peering out the window. She was beautiful. The most gorgeous child I had ever seen. She looked about four and was staring out the window with all the wonder of a fresh mind sponging up its surroundings. She had platinum blond hair that hung just below her shoulders with bangs that brushed her forehead, accentuating her amazing blue eyes. They were the color of the sky on a bright Arizona spring day. Her long dark eyelashes curled up in just the right way so as to frame her eyes like stones in a beautiful setting. Her cheeks were round and slightly pink and her chubby fingers rested on them as her hand held her shin. Her lips were plump and perfectly shaped, adding the finishing touches to her doll-like face. I marveled at the DNA that created such a child. She was beautiful beyond words, and, she was calm. Amid the pitching and rolling of the plane she sat calmly looking out the window, taking in all her eyes could see, pointing out things to her mother who was sitting next to her. There wasn't a hint of fear in her voice. She didn't even seem to notice that the plane was affected by the weather system outside. I wished that I could have had the same calm. Every time the plane dipped I felt my heart dropping out of my chest. I would have gladly had a child's mentality at that moment. The plane finally stabilized at a higher altitude and I grew comfortable in my seat. The little girl was still gazing out the window and I couldn't help but smile at her. She was certainly more "put together" than I was and I had to laugh at myself just a little.

What I've Been Up To

I know it's been FOREVER since I last posted, but I've been incredibly busy. This moving/remodeling business is definitely not for the faint of heart. But, thankfully, I am almost done with it all and I am enjoying the fruits of the hard labor. Also, I must mention that I have had some great help these last couple of days and it has done a lot for both my sanity and my sore body. Hehe. Anyway, my house is looking pretty good right about now and I am actually very excited about it. I am thrilled at all the provisions the Lord has made for me and happy that I have made it through this life experience without too much trouble. There's been a lot going on in my life recently and the struggles have been numerous, but God has been so good to me and I feel that I can finally she the sun shining through all the dark clouds that seem to have filled my horizons of late. The Lord has taught me so many things these past few months that I look back and wonder at how it is I have come as far as I have. Perhaps for some it may not seem like such a feat, but for me it is truly a miracle. I must say that looking back over the past year I would have never imagined myself in the place that I now am and that seems so odd to me, but I know that God's ways are never our ways, His thoughts are never our thoughts, so it doesn't really matter what I imagined. All that matters is making sure I am listening to the voice of the Lord and following hard in His footsteps. Then I know He will lead me and guide me and I will always end up where He intends for me to be.

Pop Culture

For those of you who stubble upon or may read this blog with any sort of regularity and are at all connected with the pop culture of our day, this post is for you. These are just a few takes on the happenings of the day's most up-front and current events. First, American Idol. I will admit that I have watched a few seasons of the show, although the first and third seasons are the only two that I watched on a regular basis. Mostly, I watched the auditions to have a good laugh and then didn't really pay attention to the rest of the show because there wasn't much to watch. I find that very few of the contestants are really talented and even fewer have anything that makes them distinctive as a musician or performer. The first season was all about finding someone different, but I guess the show forgot its purpose because it has churned out mediocre pop musicians for the last six years. That's not to say that there is no one talented or musically unique on the show. There have been a handful of promising musicians and singers who have emerged as a result of the show, but the show itself is so overdone and commercialized now that I find it hard to watch. Ranting done, my point of contention for this post is the current group of "idols" who are vying for the crown. I have not heard one of them that is truly amazing to listen to or watch, and, yes, I have watched at least two shows this season. The main person talked about and the one who seems to be the media darling of this season is David Archuleta. I don't see the big deal. He is an alright singer who looks like a boy parading as a man except for when he decides to grow a beard and tousle his hair, per last night's show, in which case he looks like a dejected mountain man who was forced to put on clothes. I'm not seeing the draw to this guy, but if he "speaks" to you, who am I to judge? Then there is the absolutely ridiculous show "Farmer Takes a Wife" in which a young farmer has a group of city girls stay on his farm and perform various tasks while he takes stock of them and decides which one he wants. Silly, I know, but someone thinks it's entertainment. Poor premise for a show aside, the things that are said on this show are unbelievable. This week he apparently asked them to help with the usual farm chores and there was quite the upheaval. From the looks of it, most of the girls didn't perform very well and when one of them was booted off the show her remarks were scathing yet absurd. She was mad that the farmer had picked them flowers rather than buying them flowers, mad that he had asked them to help on the farm, and most of all mad that he expected them to be something more than a trophy wife. She said that he couldn't offer them any sort of real life, only hard work and an unpleasant situation. LOL!!!!!! What planet is this girl living on???? Of course the show is retarded. Aren't all these shows where some poor lonely heart has to sift through a group of desperate would-be spouses to find a mate? But at least the farmer understood that if he was going to marry someone she better be able to handle the kind of life that he lived. He wanted to know if any of these girls could really handle being married to him. Uh oh. Didn't he get the memo that these shows are not about that at all? They're about entertainment, not real life. Someone better pull him aside and inform him quick! He might run off too many girls and then be left on his own to find a worthwhile life-partner. Wonder how that would go. :0 Next on the list - Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. Who cares if these two got married???? Honestly, what difference does it make? Will it affect her career as a pop star or his as an actor? Doubtful. The only thing it does is create a buzz for about a week and then it dies. Sorry, Mariah, but I think you will have to try harder than that if you want to make a big splash. As for fellow pop diva Britney Spears, all I can say is ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! Can't we leave this girl alone? I'm sure she would appreciate it and I know most of the rest of us would to. Let the girl recover and at least attempt to regain control of her life, and let us move on and focus on something that really deserves attention, like the outrageous photos of Miley Cyrus. Is there no decency left in the entertainment world? What were the photographers thinking? Why would you take such suggestive shots of a 15 year old girl? Are you wanting to market her in the child porn industry? Of course she has apologized profusely for the photos and her parents have declared that they were not aware of them being taken, but, come one! Why weren't you aware? In my opinion, no one should be marketing their body to make their music sell, but certainly no one under the age of 18 should be allowed or encouraged to do so. What makes even less sense is that it was totally unnecessary. The girl is already worth an incredible amount of money and her popularity was a set thing. There was no reason to take these photos, much less publish them. This one definitely left a bad taste in my mouth and hopefully we will not be seeing anything like it too often. Perhaps I should stop there for now. I could go on about bad TV shows and terrible movies, but I will spare you. I think this post holds enough opinions for one day. ;)

Moving

I'm moving! I am finally moving into a permanent place to live, at least for the next year or so, and I am excited! I have some place that I can decorate, clean-up, fix-up, and pretty much do whatever I want to with. That's great, right? It is, but it is SO much work! I can't believe how much responsibility it is. There is carpet and tile to pick out and then have laid and there are painting decisions to be made, and sometimes un-made. There is the placing of furniture as well as choosing which pieces to use and which to not use. There are appliances to buy and cleaning supplies to get, as well as regular household items that are lacking. And, there is a massive amount of cleaning that needs to be done. I think sometimes I am losing my mind trying to do everything that needs to be done. Just when I have finished one thing, I find that there are ten more waiting for me to do. There are phones to connect, locksmiths to call, addresses to change, and, of course, the packing of all my stuff so that I can actually move myself into the new place. Sheesh!!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for the chance to live in a place that is my own and not borrowed or rented, and I am very excited with the opportunity to decorate the way I want to and to have a say in what goes on where I live. I just never imagined that it would be this hard. I'm not complaining, just noticing. I can say that it has given me a much greater respect for those who have done it for quite some time now. I never thought that "living" could be so complicated. It makes some of the things done by my parents and other "grown ups" I have known make much more sense.
I am sure when it is all over with that I will be thrilled with the amazing chance I have been given and will be perfectly happy with not only what I have accomplished (with lots and lots and lots of help) but with what I have. My place really is nice. I have nice neighbors and great views, and so much more. So, I guess I will ignore how tired I am for now, keep pushing forward until I finish what needs to be done, and in the end I will be happy I did.

A Good Man

One year ago if you had asked me my opinion of men you would have thought I was the most bitter, hateful person you ever met. I couldn't stand them. I thought that there was absolutely no hope for ever finding a descent man, let alone a good one, to even be friends with. The thought of just about every male I knew made me nauseated. I thought that no good men could exist because men were inherently bad. Ridiculous, I know, but suffice it to say I hated men. It took me a few months but I got over that and finally decided that there had to be at least one good man out there somewhere. They had to exist. Someone had to have raised their son right and actually brought him up to be a truly good man. I wasn't looking for a super-human man or someone without any flaws; just someone with a good heart and good values, strength of character, and deep down a good person. I never suspected that I would actually know such a man; perhaps hear about him or maybe cross his path and that was it, but I've met one. He's got his bad points, his flaws, bad habits, and weaknesses, but deep down he's a good man. He's tenderhearted, a great listener, a loyal friend, has a great mind, is respectful, and he actually thinks about things before he does something. Although he might not agree with me on this, he has old-fashioned values, when he doesn't let those around him talk him out of them. He values what is valuable, has little use for what is trivial and in so many ways he is a real man and not a boy masquerading as such. This is a big pill for me to swallow, but I want to do it. I spent so much time hating men and telling all my friends that no man was worth loving or caring about, much less even knowing, and now I would like to take that all back. They do exist. Perhaps not in the fairytale way that young girls dream of, but in a very real, tangible way. Somewhere in this great big world parents are still raising their sons to be real men, good men, and I'm so glad they are. So, Mr. Darcy, despite all your quirks and all the critiques I could make, I'm so glad I met you.

Note

If you are new to my blog or you are a returning visitor and need a reminder this note is for you. In case you need a diversion or are looking for something interesting to read check out my other blog Urban Bus Adventures. There is a link for it at the bottom of the page. If you feel like it you can even leave me a comment on what you think. Imagine that!

It Is Well

Life sometimes is hard to deal with. There are rough spots that seem to be more troublesome than anything we ever thought we could handle. There have been many times when I have wondered if I was going to make it through some of these "spots" and if so how I was going to do it. Just about that time is when the Lord is always so faithful to remind me that He is still God, He still in control, and He is still with me. He has never left or forsaken me. There is nothing quite like being reassured by the Lord. I've been having several weeks of rough spots and I have been praying that the Lord would help me get through them and give me strength to do all the things I need to do. He has done all that, but even more precious is His reminder that all is well. I heard a hymn that I know very well and love very much. It talks about all the things that may happen in your life - the good, the bad, the pleasant, the hard - and it says that through it all there is one thing that we can be sure of - it is well with our souls. If there is any comfort I have, no matter what is going on around me or in my life, it is knowing that because of Jesus it is well with my soul. There is nothing that can snatch me from His hands, nothing that can pull me from His arms. When I gave Him my life so many years ago we made a covenant that cannot be broken. I don't always live up to my end of the deal, but He never fails at His end. That's why I can say with confidence it is well with my soul. My heart may be broken and maimed, my mind may be clouded and unable to reason correctly, my body may be sick and in need of help, but still I know that it is well with my soul. I am my Beloved's and He is mine and it is well with my soul. Oh the peace and comfort that washes over me when I remember that! Jesus is still with me, He still walks beside me and carries me when I can no longer go on, and He is still the Friend Who sticks closer than a brother, the Shepherd Who guards His sheep, the Savior Who redeems and heals. What a wonderful Savior He is and how wonderful to know that because of Him it is well with my soul.

The Bell

At work there is a desk bell that sits on one of the service counters and is there so that in case we don't see a customer standing at the counter they can ring the bell and let us know they are there. Now, I HATE this bell. It is one of the most obnoxious things I have ever come across. It rings so many times in a day that I sometimes hear it ring when there is no one there and a few times I have heard it in my sleep at night. As I said before, I HATE this bell. But, that is life and it is a part of my job, so, I cheerfully continue on, answering the bell every time it dings. However, there is something that I cannot abide - rude customers. There seem to be several medical students and medical office personnel who insist on ringing the bell twice or even three times if you do not appear at the counter within 1 second of their ringing the bell. And then there are those who insist on ringing the bell when they can clearly see that you are on the phone and cannot attend to them at that moment. How rude and inconsiderate is that?!?!?!?! Does working in a medical building or being a med student give you the right to mistreat people? I often want to ask them how they would like it if I stood there at the counter and kept ringing the bell at them. However, it is my job to be friendly and polite. That means that I cannot really comment on the poor behavior of these rude bell ringers. I simply have to smile at them and help them. Every now I and then I will politely let them know that I heard the bell the first time, but that is only when the behavior is very much out of order. Otherwise I just breathe deeply and plaster at least a half-smile on my face and ask them what it is I can help them with. I know the bell is necessary, but how I wish there was another way. I am always thankful for those customers who are so reticent to ring the bell and apologize profusely for doing so. They are good customers. I wish they would rub off on the others who so desperately need something to rub off on them. Oh, well. I'll quit ranting now.

TV Show

So I'm sitting here watching CSI Miami on TV because there is absolutely nothing else on to watch, and I am wondering how it is that so many bad actors are able to have a weekly show that is not canceled. I have never liked David Caruso as an actor and I have never thought he was good-looking, and I have always been puzzled as to why others were of a different opinion. His signature move is to say these stupid one-liners while pretending to be the coolest man on the planet. He looks so ridiculous and is so far from believable that I am amazed he is allowed to keep acting. Why would someone hire him to play any part? He is TERRIBLE!!!!! Given that I am not a Caruso fan, I have never really been drawn to watching CSI Miami, but, as I mentioned, there is nothing else on tonight. Very reluctantly I decided not to change the channel, figuring I could suffer through Caruso and focus on the plot and the other actors. However, that has proven to be disappointing. The other actors in the show are so incredibly bad that I find myself wondering how it is they ever were given a job. The show has an abundance of cheesy lines that are poorly delivered, making them impossible to digest. Honestly, I think I could act better! Another thought - what is it exactly Caruso does in the show? He never processes a scene, works the evidence or does any of the investigating. He just shows up at the crime scenes and stands there in some "studly" pose, whipping his sunglasses on and off his face, preparing to growl his lines out in what I am sure he thinks is a sexy, very masculine deep voice. Can anyone say, "Oh, gag me!!!"? Why does this show continue to run? It can't even hold a candle to the other two CSI shows and, frankly, I would think that Jerry Bruckheimer would see it as a colossal offense to his talents. It is one of the worst shows I have ever watched. Oh well. I guess I have made my point and should stop ranting. I am sure there are more important things out there to focus my attention on. Still, I wish people would be offended by the trash that is being offered them and would demand that better shows with real actors be shown. Ok, I'll stop for real this time. (hehe)

Various

Ive been wanting to post for the past few days but haven't been able to. Either I haven't had the time or I have been unable to put my thoughts into words. It is the writer's fate to always be wanting to write and yet not always being able to write. I am thankful when I can manage to make time constraints and creative constraints work themselves out and I find myself in front of the computer typing out a new post. There is something quite relieving about it. The chance to express myself freely is exhilarating and helps me make sense of the numerous topics and ideas that are constantly running through my mind. This week I have been very busy but I have enjoyed most of what I have been doing. I was given the chance to work with some really great people on a project that is a worthwhile endeavor and the work that I am doing for this project is mostly stuff I really enjoy doing. Call me strange, but I enjoy making out place cards and placing ribbons on things to make them look nice. I enjoy organizing things and putting things in order and I enjoy helping people. So, the work side of things has been pretty good. As for the personal side of who I am, things have been pretty good as well. I got to make people happy this week, and I always enjoy that. I had gotten a gift for someone and I was dying to give it to them and this week I was able to. I love doing that. Giving something to someone that you know they will love is one of the best feelings in the world. I started the process of returning to school in the fall and I am excited about the different opportunities I have in front of me. I did get some rather scary news from the doctor this week, but there is really no point in my overreacting. There is not much I can do at this point except wait and see what the outcome will be and hope and pray that it turns out to be nothing. The doctor was very kind and I greatly appreciate everything he is doing for me. It is a comfort to know that he is trying to help me the best way he knows how. I also learned a lesson this week (Hurrah! I'm not too old to learn!). I am very critical of ditsy girls who act ten years younger and less intelligent than they really are. I have blogged about them, complained about them, and been a bit of a snob towards them. That's not to say that I have never been friends with anyone like that. The outlook was more of a general one than a specific one, but still, it was a flawed one. I realized this week that that type of girl may act that way and get on my nerves, or be a little difficult to handle at times, but many of them are really sweet people. They have no inhibitions about caring for people and letting people know that they care. I realized that my biased view of them is a result of unpleasant things I have experienced at the hands of people similar to them, and it really isn't fair of me to write them all off as people that will do the same thing. Yes, there are generalities and common themes in human behavior, but that does not mean that we should write people off as a certain type of person without really getting to know them. Also, I think I would be far less critical of others if I spent more time finding the good in them and less time focusing on the flaws that seem to be so glaring. Perhaps their flaws wouldn't be so glaring and their good points would seem so much more noticeable. So, that about sums up this week. There is always more I could write but I am not sure how I would write it. Plus, I wouldn't want you to grow tired from reading and have to stop midway through the post so you could rest. Lol. Just kidding.

Disappointment

I hate being a disappointment. I feel like all my life I've let people down. I haven't been able to live up to anyone's expectations for me, I haven't been able to accomplish any of the things that people in my life have expected of me. The worst is feeling that somehow in letting them down I have let myself down, but I don't really feel that I have let myself down. I've never expected great things from myself, never demanded that I be some super-human example of life here on this earth, and never assumed that somehow I am better in some way or another than those around me. I have always viewed myself as a "plain-jane" with the same attributes and qualities as most people. I don't see myself as a stand-out person with any amazing talents or gifts. Sure, I have talents, I have gifts, and I am blessed in many ways, but I don't see that as superior. Everyone has those things. Yet, despite this view of myself, those around me have always expected that I would accomplish something "great". I have never, for the life of me, been able to understand this and the thing it has brought about in my life has been the feeling that I disappoint those who matter most to me. I guess because I don't expect great things from myself I don't disappoint myself, but why is it not that way for others. Don't get me wrong - I have high standards for myself and demand my best in whatever I do, but those are rules to guide my life, not determinants on how successful I am in the eyes of those around me. Maybe the problem lies in giving too much credence to what people think of me and what I have done this far with my life, but I find that it is very difficult to ignore what those who are close to me think of me. Maybe I should grow a thicker skin and just not care, but then, isn't that what caring about people is partly about? That's why they have an influence on you and you on them. I don't know. Maybe my musings are confusing and baseless, but I find that they come back to me over and over again. I hate the feeling of being found wanting, of feeling that I am not as good as someone would wish me to be, of feeling that I lack in some way and at the bottom of all of it is a sense that somehow it is all my fault. Hmm. Well, these are certainly not well developed thoughts, but, they are on my mind so I figured I'd post about them.