Thankful

I am so thankful today for so many things. The events yesterday with my brother were enough to cause me to pause and reevaluate the things that are important in my life. It also helped me realize the many things in my life for which I am thankful. There are so many I don't think I could name them all here but for starters I'm thankful for my family. Sure, they drive me nuts quite a bit but they also help me make some of the best memories anyone could have. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost one of my siblings. Yesterday was scary enough with the realization that things could have gone very differently. As I walked out of the hospital last night I couldn't help but wonder what if he hadn't made it and I was now one family member short. Things would be so strange and I would miss him terribly. I'm thankful he made it out of the accident alive and that it appears he will recover pretty well. I'm thankful for my mom. She has such strength and she is willing to do what is necessary in the really hard situations to take care of her kids. She's been with my brother now for almost two days at the hospital and she spends the night in the waiting room so she can get up throughout the night and check on him. I'm thankful for my church because they never stop taking care of each other. All my life I have seen them live the Scripture: When one member is hurting we all hurt with them and when one member is rejoicing we all rejoice with them. We take care of each other and make sacrifices for each other so that each person can be blessed and helped when they need it. Last thing I'll write here, I am so thankful that God lets me get up each morning and enjoy life to its fullest. Truly, it is a privilege to be on the earth and allowed to experience all the things that God has for me here.
I love this song because the words are so true and they mean so much to me.


*About Me* One thing everyone who knows me really well knows is that I absolutely love Tucson sunsets. There are no other sunsets like them in the world. I have looked in every place I've been outside Tucson and not one has compared to the beauty that is Tucson at sunset. It's amazing. So, I thought I post a few pictures of one.

My Day

This has been one heck of a day. I woke up this morning and was stumbling around trying to get myself ready for the day. I had a performance so that meant two sets of clothes. I had rehearsal so that meant making sure I had music. I had my regular daily activities and that meant making sure my head was placed on my neck and then fastened properly. Then suddenly my day changed and everything that seemed so important no longer was. At 5:40 a. m. my sister came running out of her bedroom to inform me that my brother had just been hit by a car and was on his way to the hospital. It took 5 minutes to get in the car and head to the hospital to meet the ambulance. When we got there they had no information for us. We didn't know what had happened, how it had happened, and what kind of condition our brother was in. That first 30 minutes of not knowing anything was torture. All the possible case scenarios that fill your head are not a comfort in any way. Thankfully the staff at the hospital was really nice and they tried to let us know things as quickly as they could. After a while we learned that my brother had been hit head on by a truck. He had been walking and the driver of the truck didn't see him and ran into him. The truck hit my brother full force in the chest and then flung him backwards. The impact caused his back to split open, but thankfully didn't damage his chest cavity at all. Amazingly he had no broken bones or internal injuries. His fall caused quite a bit of damage though. His shin bone was completely broken and dislocated and there were surface wounds all over his body. He had to undergo several x-rays and a CT scan and then emergency surgery to correct the broken leg. I saw him in the ER just before he went in to surgery and he was not a pretty sight to behold. He was so beat up and he was in so much pain I couldn't help but get teary-eyed. My brother was suffering in front of me and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. All I could offer was to hold him as best I could and tell him how much I loved him and was praying for him. You know, it's funny how in an instant your life can change and suddenly things look so different. At that moment in the ER nothing mattered but letting my brother know that I loved him while I still had the chance. More than once the thought crossed my mind, "What if he hadn't made it and I never got the chance to talk to him again?" What if I had lost my brother this morning? Would he know that I love him and really care about him? What would I do differently with him if I had it to do? I know these are common thoughts for people to have when they go through this sort of thing, but it was startling to be reminded of the uncertainty of life, of brevity of life, of the fact that you should show those you love how much you love them while you have the chance because they won't always be there for you to show and you never know when they will be gone.
Needless to say the day was a bit emotional for me, I'm still fighting back tears of relief as I write this, but I am so thankful that things didn't turn out worse than they did. Something good out of the bad - my family really came together and we tried to support each other and ease the burden each one was carrying. From one of my sisters buying breakfast to my little brother letting me cry on his shoulder to my uncle staying most of the day with my brother in the hospital, my family was there for each other as well as for my brother and when it's all said and done that's what really counts in times like these.

Absolute Silliness

I am at home getting ready to post a blog and absolute zaniness breaks out. My sister, who should never be up past 9 p.m. or trouble will start, is up at 10:35 p.m. and she is cleaning clothes out of her closet. If she was just cleaning that would be fine but, no, she is being absolutely bizarre. First she starts singing loudly from the closet, "You get a line, I'll get a pole honey. You get a line, I'll get a pole, babe. You get a line, I'll get a pole, we'll go fishing in the crocodile hole, honey, babe of mine" And now the craziness has really begun. With each article of clothing there is some new strange comment. "I am way too fat the wear this." (she's a size 6!!!!) "my hips are shaped really weirdly." "My butt is so big!" "Why are you sitting at the computer in your underwear?" (which I am not) "Oh look, the bottom of these pants is really loose but the bottom isn't. Hahaha." "I don't know why I bought these, they are too short." (she's talking about a pair of shorts) "Dear (talking to my niece), I found this hanger on the floor of your bedroom and it said I could have it. I asked it if it belonged to anyone and it said no." My niece responds, "Wow, I'm disturbed." All I can say is WOW!!!!!! Where did she come from? I know I am never that silly. She is absolutely one if the silliest people I know. Crazy. Anyway, ya, so now I've forgotten what I was going to post. Something about my day and dealings with Fitzgerald and how I hate arrogance. Oh, and I saw the most perfect man today and he was a doctor! I was literally speechless. I wanted to ask him his name but the words simply failed me. Now how is that for stupidity? Mr. Tall,Dark, and Handsome walks up to my counter, asks me for help and all I can manage is a smile and very few words. He even told me he was coming back later to have me do something else for him and I still couldn't get anything out. The man probably thought he was working with a deaf-mute. He was like the man your mother always told you to be on the look out for and I let him just walk away. Sigh. Of course I'm being totally ridiculous, but the man was really good looking and I wouldn't have minded having him as a customer every day. So, this post is full of ridiculous things and I will stop here for safety sake.

*About Me* Random facts: I need absolute pitch black to fall asleep at night. I hate when someone leaves a light, any light, on because I never fully fall asleep and then I don't rest. I hate cold temperatures. Anything below 60 degrees Fahrenheit is cold weather and I never swim unless it's 90 degrees or higher. 80 degrees is beautiful weather and it isn't really hot until it hits 95 degrees. My favorite time of year is spring but fall holds a very close second. I absolutely LOVE the Farside comics as well as Calvin and Hobbes. I have more nicknames than anyone I have ever met. the last time I checked it was at 20 different names. Ya, scary.

Wandering Thoughts

I got home a little late tonight, and I am completely exhausted. Not really sure why seeing as I had nearly 8 hours of sleep last night, but I am. I've been working all day and now I just want to relax. My neice is playing the piano and she sounds like a concert pianist. I love that her years of lessons have paid off because I get to enjoy an hour of nice music several times a week. Tonight she is playing an arrangement of the hymn "Blessed Assurance". I love the song anyway, but the arrangement is really beautiful as well. It makes me want to sing the song. There is something about music that I just can't escape. It has this unbelievable ability to transport me to another world in what seems to be only moments. I can't even really explain it but it goes beyond merely enjoying the music; the music has such an affect on me. It can alter my state of mind or my attitude or can provide such an outlet for releasing whatever it is going on inside me. Ah, the power of music, good music that is.
There are other thoughts running through my head tonight. Like, I miss speaking Spanish. Quiero hablarlo pero no hay nadie quien hablar conmigo. Hoy, cuando tratando hablarlo, no me recuerdo muchas cosas y no peudo hablar muy bien. Que triste! Me gusto mucho hablando espanol. I used to speak with someone almost every day and now I never use it and I'm losing it. What's really sad it that there are some things that Spanish allows you to say that English just doesn't, and besides there are so many things that sound better in Spanish!
I was asked again this week what the status of my love life was and then what my goals are for the future. Normally those two things wouldn't have too much to do with each other, but in my case they seem to be directly linked. For whatever reason I can't seem to settle on any plans for the future that don't include marriage, but there are absolutely no prospects in sight at the moment. Although I do enjoy being single, I am not getting any younger and I can't help but feel like the pause button has been pushed and I haven't started to really live my life. Part of this I call the feeling-like-a-student-for-the-rest-of-your-life mentality. Most people go to college, get out and live their lives. Not me. I'm still here and still feel like I'm a kid waiting to grow up in so many ways. Oh well, I guess that can have its good points, so I will resign myself to keep on enjoying where I am currently at.
Well, this post is starting to sound a little crazy and confusing so I think I will stop it here. Maybe in the next few days I will post things that are a little more coherent or at least truly interesting.

*About Me* My high school career as a student was a disaster. I went to summer school every summer for four years and I still graduated late. It wasn't that I made bad grades; I just didn't do the homework. Math was really hard for me and most of the other subjects bored me. There were a couple that I liked and I actually did excel in a few, but most of the time I did what I wanted to and not what I needed to and I paid for it later. The one thing I can say is that I learned a very good lesson my senior year. I dug myself into quite a pit and didn't think I was going to make it to graduation. Instead of my mom trying to make it easy for me she told me that if I was going to finish it would be up to me. There were many things that happened that year, far too many to relate here, but I can tell you that by the time April rolled around I wanted to graduate more than anything. I spent 4 months straight getting 2 and 3 hours of sleep every night and working almost non-stop throuhgout the day. I completed a year's worth of work in a few months. I did get help with my studies when I needed it and Lord knows I was praying every day even if just to make it through the day, but it was really a time where I was faced with making some necessary life changes and I am so thankful today that I made those changes. I know that God was more than gracious to me and helped me with so many things even when things seemed so impossible or insurmountable. There were many a night when it was just me and Him sitting at my kitchen table trying to figure out all the theorems and rules of geometry and how each one applied to the problem I was working on. Or when I had so many papers due and I really didn't have a clue what to write or how to format it. There were so many things that happened. It was a time of great need in my life but it was also a time of great experiences with the Lord.

Feminism

In today's world it is almost expected that if you are a strong woman with any sort of opinion or intelligent thought processes then you must be a feminist. I reject that thinking with everything in me. I have never, nor will I ever be a feminist. I have had my issues with men and I have struggled with a strong hatred or resentment of men in general. There have not been many men in my life who were decent human beings and knew how to treat someone with love and respect. Most of the friends I had growing up had no father to speak of. My world was very much female-dominated and there was usually plenty of male-bashing to be had. I can think of only a handful of men that I knew that were good fathers, loving husbands, kind people who knew how to be real men. In my short adult life I have been treated with disdain more than once simply because I am a woman. I have been turned down for jobs, been made to feel that I am not good enough, been patronized, been propositioned with trading "my services" for something that should have been mine without anything in return, and even had my intelligence ridiculed all because I am a woman. Is this infuriating? Absolutely. Does it make me feel like I have to prove something? Yes. Does it make me hate men? Thankfully, I can finally say, no. Yes, the above experiences do leave a bad taste in your mouth and it is easy for me to see how the feminist line of thinking was developed and then fostered among women. I am sure that my experiences are not anything close to some of the things other women, especially those in earlier generations, experienced. I cannot imagine being told I could not vote merely because I was a female, or being told I could not study any field I wanted to because my small female mind couldn't comprehend certain things. I would definitely revolt against anything like this and I am so glad that women who came before me did. However, there are some things about the feminist ideals that I simply cannot accept because they are just as dangerous to women as the male-chauvinist thinking that is still existing in our society today. Asserting that women are just like men or that they can do anything a man can do is setting us up for failure because the truth is we can't and to demand that of ourselves is unreasonable just as demanding of a man that he give birth is unthinkable. One of the great things about the human race is the fact that there are so many differences and gender is a part of this. The differences between men and women should be viewed as assets and not be used to brow beat one or the other. Both sexes have their good points and their bad. Women should be treated with equality but they should not use their fight for equality to crush everything about men, including the good. Maybe I'm lazy or just too old-fashioned but I don't mind one bit if a guy wants to hold a door open for me or gets out of the car to pump the gas when we are at a service station. I don't mind if he wants to do the heavy lifting or wants to do anything for me that he can do better than I could. I am not offended in any way. I know I can hold my own and I work hard, but I am not offended in the least if a guy wants and actually offers to help me with something. Maybe I'm just dumb, but I think it's sweet and I find myself wishing there was more of that sort of chivalrous behavior nowadays. I like feeling like I'm special (not weak) because I'm a woman. I don't think that allowing a man to treat you with honor and respect is a sign that they think less of you or are patronizing you in any way. I just think they actually care about you enough to notice that you may need help and then do something about it. The other thing I think is a travesty, and I mentioned this a few weeks ago in a post, is the way in which feminists have made it non-PC to be a man. The message is: don't assert yourself, think more like a woman so you can be in-tune with women, never appear stronger than a woman, get in touch with your feminine side. No, all feminist don't assert this, but it is a direct result of feminist thinking and ideology. Feminists assert that women and men are equal and they do this by making women appear more masculine and men more feminine. The problem is that this takes away from the intrinsic good qualities of both genders. Men are forced to become more female in their thinking and as a result, many times they lose the qualities that define them as men. There is nothing more pathetic, in my opinion, than a man who is lead around by a female. It's truly sad to see a man who allows a woman to run all over him and he never says anything about it, never puts his foot down and demands that she stop for one instant and actually listen to what he has to say, and above all never takes the lead in the relationship and acts the part of the man. In contrast, there is nothing more attractive, in my opinion, than a man who is not afraid to actually stand up for what he thinks, takes great pride in taking the lead in a relationship, is not afraid to put a woman in her place if it is necessary, wants to protect those he cares about, and knows how to be a strong man. Speaking strictly for myself and my female way of thinking, there is nothing more assuring than the firm grasp of a man's hand or being held in a man's strong arms and there is nothing quite like feeling safe in the presence of a man who you know will do anything to protect you. No, I'm not saying that women are to be mousy, or lorded over by men, or never have a role in a relationship. I'm not saying that men should be totally domineering and ungentle. I'm saying both people play an important part, but neither one can play the other's role better than the gender for which that role was intended. Men fail miserably at being the women in a relationship and women never can quite pull off the male role. I guess I could sum it all up by saying that while I agree and would fight for more equality among the sexes I wouldn't trade the inherent differences for the world, and that is what feminism seeks to do, at least at some levels. I am all for being a strong woman and I'm even for being independent, but I am also 100% for men being strong and even what some would consider domineering in some instances. How else is one going to sweep me off my feet?
A quote just for fun:
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."
--Timothy Leary

Feeling Better

I've been under the weather for the past few days. To tell you the truth I couldn't really tell you what exactly made me so sick. I think it was a combination of things: a cold, irritation in my lungs, lack of sleep, female issues, too many worries and un corazon destrozado. I decided yesterday that the cause of my problem was more mental/emotional than anything else and determined to do something about it. So, I treaed my cold, made myself get some sleep, and did a little attitude adjustment and I think I am finally recovering. Today is much better than yesterday was and I fell much better. Something that really helped was rehearsal, oddly enough. We were rehearsing Easter music and that meant we were singing about the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus. I was reminded of how much Jesus gave up to save me and show His love for me, and that He rose from the dead to give me the power to live the life that God intended me to live - a life that is the best you could ever ask for, not lacking in any way, successful in every area, living every day to the fullest, and always being full of the joy of the Lord. I know I've said it here numerous times, but it gives me such peace, such a sense of anticipation that God has everything I need and desire and He wants to give them to me, and He will! When I become worried or depressed that I don't have the things I need or desire it means I've lost sight of my Savior and when I adjust my focus I find that I can leave all the dark, gloomy thoughts behind and actually be free and happy and say just like Paul, "I have learned in whatsoever circumstance I am in, therewith to be content." And let me tell you, resting and relaxing in the arms of Jesus, releasing all my cares on Him, is a much better place to be than being frought with worries, fears, and uncertainites about tomorrow.

*About Me* Someone asked me to post some pictures of me in high school, so, against my better judgment, I am doing so. Please be kind and don't use any of these for blackmail later in life. Oh, and I hope they aren't too scary!
This is me at a fashion show that my friends and I put on. The picture below is of the group of us that were involved. I'm not sure what we were thinking, but, it was fun while it lasted.



This is typical me in high school. I swear I went to school like this, and no, I don't know what I was thinking. Crazy!


This is me camping with some friends. Believe it or not, I actually went in public like this!


This is me at the famous Tucson Rodeo not wanting my picture taken. I think I am 15 in this picture.


Me and a friend at Thanksgiving. I was 16, and yes, my nails are painted black and white. They were originally black and my mom asked me to change them so I added the white.


I am holding my hand in total horror in this picture because my friend has just grabbed it and kissed it. She was a total nut, and I never quite knew what to do with her. Her favorite name for me: beautiful.


This is me with two of my sisters, a cousin, and my grandmother.

What's New

Well, I'm still feeling sick. Yesterday I was starting to feel better but then I couldn't sleep last night and I feel terrible this morning. I'm not sure why I went to work other than the fact that I'm pretty close to broke and I need the hours. I will not be very useful to anyone today and I'm not even sure I'm going to make it a whole day without going home and crashing. Anyway, despite the way I feel I actually do have some pretty funny things to post. Yesterday was, well, strange. Like I said, I went to work because I was feeling better but as the day progressed, I started feeling bad again, but I had two performances to play for so I couldn't stay sick. So, around 11:30 a. m. I dragged myself to the first one and it wasn't that bad. I thought, ok, I can handle the second one no problem. The second performance was at a nursing home that I think is probably one of the grossest here in town. Midway through the program something burned in the kitchen, which we were very close to, and smoke started wafting through the room. Now, I have a cold and it's already hard enough to get through the performance without stopping to cough or blow your nose. Add smoke to the equation and it's a hopeless cause. I thought my lungs were going to burst from the strong smoke smell and my nose was running like you wouldn't believe, and I was trying desperately not to stop playing so the kids wouldn't be thrown off. It was terrible! I was sure I was going to pass out from smoke inhalation. Anyway, we got through it and then came the long drive home, which proved to be the pinnacle of ridiculousness in my day. Now, we decided we were two members short and so we could fit everyone in this one Chevy Suburban to get back home. Imagine nine people - seven children and two adults - all squished into this huge black vehicle. The first problem: the B. O., phew!!!! I wanted to ask the kids if they believed in bathing! Of course, this set off a round of comments about smelly pits and such that went on quite some time. Second problem: these are kids and they have been focusing and working non-stop all day, so the silliness will begin now that they have a 30 minute drive until they get home. So there we were, crammed in this vehicle with music blaring. What were we listening to? The Ten Tenors singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "Dancing Queen" as well as some Italian stuff to which the kids loudly sang Veggie Tale lyrics to (I must admit, I joined in on that one ;]). It was truly a sight to behold - nine people driving down the road singing "Mama mia, mama mia", "Let him go! We will not let him go!", and "You can dance, you can jive. Havin' the time of your life!" It was crazy! To make matters even more interesting there were kids in the back who were having it out using empty water bottles to knock each other up-side the head, one girl who kept yelling, "Sweet mother of Abraham!", a girl who was valiantly trying to listen to her own music on her i-pod, the ever-present blond who was dazed and confused by anything that was said, and the kid in the front who was noting that a van in front of us had no griddle (grid) on it. When we arrived at our destination and the driving zoo unloaded with much ado as the kid up front announced, "Warning! The crazy patrol is arriving!" The rest of the day was pretty interesting as well, but nothing quite like that, and boy was I glad. That was enough to last me a while! LOL!!!!!

Pictures

Just to let you know, there is now a photo album link at the bottom of this page. There are three different albums you can look at. Warning, the photos you will find therein may quite possibly scare you or mar you for life. Proceed with caution! More changes coming soon!

Thursday

Well, I took a break for a few days and now I am back. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to write, but rather that I didn't know what to write or how to say what was on my mind. This week has been a little much for me. I have never wanted to be on vacation so badly in my life. Now I am starting to get sick and I'm trying to deal with feeling terrible on top of everything else. Yuck! Oh well. Life goes on and I'm sure I will feel better in a few days. Anyway, this post will be short because I'm not really in the mood to give my thoughts or opinions on anything right now. I guess you all will have to be satisfied with a little longer About Me section.

*About Me* In high school I was the girl none of the guys wanted to date. I was too serious, too intellectual and most of all too commitment oriented. The two lines I got all the time were "you have commitment written all over you" and "You are not the kind of girl someone dates, you're the kind they marry." How I hated those phrases or anything even close to them, but there wasn't much I could do to change anything. My mom didn't allow me to date and I had made a choice to be involved in church ministry so I couldn't exactly just act any way I wanted. My first year of college though, I tried something a little different. I was by myself so I had to make a whole new set of friends and none of them were Christian. I also tried to change the way I was perceived by guys. Although I never did anything that was outrageous I did become the flirtatious tease that dressed in clothes that revealed just enough to get a guy going but not enough to be officially labeled a slut. The result: I was very popular with the guys and I was asked out quite a bit. It was sort of a dance I was in. I would pretend to be one thing and the guys would respond and then I would draw back, not wanting to get too serious with any of them. I was still pretty much the good girl when it came right down to it, and I didn't do anything that was actually horrible, but I definitely played with fire a few times. While all the attention was nice and in my own naive way I thought it was perfectly harmless, the popularity and the knowing that you were desirable wasn't all it was cracked up to be. The problem: I felt cheap and knew that none of these guys cared anything about me and should I open my mouth and utter a sentence that showed any sort of intellectual competence, much less an actual opinion about something, I would have been dropped like a hot potato. The truth was what I wanted really was commitment and respect, and handling myself the way I was wasn't going to get that. I can say that of all the guys I was messing with there was only one or two that really got to know me and respected me and it was the real me, not the silly flirt that knew very little about anything important. Lesson learned: if what you want is cheap and temporal then act the part of a foolish woman and you will undoubtedly get it; if you want something that will last and is of any value then demand of yourself quality behavior that will incite from those around you respect and true affection for who you are.

Monday

Well, this day started out super crazy. I wondered if it would stay that way and whether or not I would survive it, but I did. Actually, things sort of mellowed out a little and I actually enjoyed the day. There are a lot of things I am learning right now which keeps life interesting. Sometimes I think I have gone through so much and that I must know at least something about this crazy things we call life and then sometimes I feel like I don't know anything and I have got to be the most ignorant, foolish person on the planet. I do realize that given my upbringing there are many things I have not experienced, many situations I have not been in, many things I have no knowledge of how to handle. In many ways I feel this is a good thing and that some experiences are better off not being had, but this also can make me feel very foolish at times. I don't like when I'm talking to someone and I say something or express something and they get this look in their eyes like I am a naive child or I am so ignorant and it is showing. I know it's not meant to be a condescending thing, but I can't help feeling really foolish or silly. It's tough to admit sometimes that you have no idea what someone is talking about when everyone else in the room does. It's not that you necessarily want to know what they are talking about, but the feeling that you are in the dark or are lacking knowledge that you should have is a bit unnerving for me. However, all that said, I wouldn't trade the innocence (yes, I did use that word) I have or the inexperience with many things for all the knowledge out there. I would rather be embarrassed that I don't know something and risk looking stupid than not be able to maintain what little purity I can in this world of so much impurity. I'm not saying I'm pure as the driven snow or that I have been living in a convent for the last 20 plus years. I have seen, read, thought, and experienced things that I wish I never had, but I have not allowed myself to be overly exposed to the many things out there that would take less than 24 hours to turn Cinderella into Madonna. I've chosen to do things differently, and I think that decision is the best. The only down side is learning how to cope with those who are not like you and thus operate differently from you and then learning how to maintain your purity as you interact more with the world around you. I guess that's why Jesus said we need to be wise as serpents yet innocent as doves, and also why Paul urged the New Testament Church to not be conformed to this world but to be continually transformed by the renewing of their minds. So, although I may not know a lot about things or may not be well-versed in the goings on on the average person's daily life and routine, I hope that I can learn how to deal and interact in each situation presented and without having to compromise or give up any of the values I hold as necessary for a successful Christian life. Well, I guess that's my post. Maybe I'll keep trying this spontaneous blogging. I write about some things that normally I wouldn't write about when I do this. Hmmm . . .

*About Me* My dad's family is from Texas and they are southern to the hilt. My mom's family is from the east and they are the prim and proper ones. My dad's dad was in the Army during WW II, then he worked for a telephone company and the post office. His jobs were always interesting. My grandmother only worked before they got married and never again after that. My mom's dad has a degree in math and taught school for a while but he got bored and moved into computers. He has worked in computers for over 40 years and his job has taken him all over the world. Whenever my computer is broken he is usually the one I call, and without fail, he fixes it (or tells me how to over the phone). My grandmother has a degree in nursing and then received her Ph.D. in medical science.

St. Patrick

I know I'm a day late, but better late than never. I was so interested in posting my pictures yesterday that I forgot to post something that was actually relevant to the holiday being celebrated. Although I am only partly Irish, and a small part at that, I have always celebrated St. Patrick's Day. My mom especially liked the holiday and for as long as I can remember I heard all sorts of stories about this famed saint. As I grew up I became curious as to who the real man was and today he is actually a hero of sorts for me. Last year I actually checked out his own writings of his life and it was amazing to see what this man went through. He saw the power of God actually being performed on a daily basis in his ministery. The work he did was hard, but he persevered in it and eventually he saw the fruits of his labor. His prayers and his devotions are not only encouraging but they challenge one to seek God more deeply and to get to intimately know God and Who He is. I guess I'm just in awe of the way he lived his life and the things he saw happen. The legends about him are fun to listen to, but his real life was exciting and purposeful and more inspiring than any legend could hope to be. So, I think I'll keep celebrating this holiday, if not to recognize the small part of me that is Irish, at least to recognize the amazing life this man had and the things he accomplished.

Saturday

Well, the weekend is here and I am messing with my blog again. Some of the changes won't show up for a while because I'm still working on them, but you'll notice the ones I finished. There have been several things that caught my attention this week. March Madness started and although my sorry team has already lost I will still enjoy watching the rest of the NCAA tournament. College tournament basketball is really basketball at its best. I don't like watching NBA games anymore, but I'll watch almost any college game and especially one during the Madness. Spring is here in Tucson, even if it does get cold again, and I am really enjoying the weather. I love being outside this time of year. I actually had a pretty restful spring break. I caught on my sleep and I got a few things done that I had been putting off (ya, I am a procrastinator if I'm not careful), and I even got to watch some TV and a few movies and hang out at home (a rarity, believe me). Work has been up and down with some funny customer experiences and some rough spots on the job. There isn't really anything too terribly exciting happening in my life at this point, so there isn't much to write here. The next section should entertain you though.

*About Me* I decided to post pictures in my section this week. Enjoy!!!!!!!

Me and My Little Brother. He's crazy, silly, an awesome musician, too smart for his own good and I absolutely love him. Oh ya, and he's so cute!


This is my brothers and some friends being totally crazy and hamming it up. It makes for a great picture.


These are my two brothers. They think they are so cool and of course they receive plenty of female assurance that they are so good looking. I don't know, guess I'm not impressed. Just kidding. They're great.


This is my family. There are only seven of us in this picture because the oldest got married and we kicked her out of the family. JK. This is us on Christmas. Don't we look so formal??!!


My Kids - They are soooooo much fuuuuunnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Good Day

Today was and still is a good day. I enjoyed so many things about this day. I think my favorite was playing in the water with my nephew and a couple of the girls at the school where I work. We were watering plants with a hose and before we knew it we were watering each other as well. So I had no shoes on, my feet and legs were covered in mud, my clothes were wet and I was having the best time. My nephew was, of course, thrilled to be totally covered in mud and pretty close to soaked. The girls were shrieking first because they sprayed me with the hose and second because I was spraying them. It was fun. I hadn't done anything like that in a while. Now I'm wishing it was summer and I could do that every day. Soon enough though. Anyway, there were other things that were good about this day but no need to post them here. Mainly, I am just enjoying life and where I am at. There are hard times and rough things to go through, but there are also all the good times and the great experiences that make life worth living. There is beauty to be found in the darkness of a night, but the best part is that there is always a sunrise to watch the next morning.

*About Me* I love learning about and experiencing different cultures. This is most likely a result of two things. First, my mom has traveled the world quite extensively and brought back various things from around the world. So, I grew up with several artifacts from different countries that all had a story to go with them about a people and culture different from mine. Secondly, my family had many exchange students stay with us when I was in junior high and high school. We had students from Mainland China, Taiwan, Japan, and Central Africa. These students taught me a lot about how perspectives of life and living can change depending on how and where you grew up. These experiences with cultures other than my own sparked a curiosity in me and a fascination for things foreign to me. That part of my upbringing I wouldn't change for the world.

Stir Crazy

It's spring time in Tucson, it's beautiful outside and I have been inside for three days! I am about to lose my mind! For spring break I promised my sister I would watch her son, whom I absolutely adore, but he got sick last weekend so I've had to keep him inside pretty much all day every day. Then, I work in the mornings and there are only two windows that face buildings so there isn't much hope of even seeing the gorgeous day. But, I don't want to complain. The past few days have been pretty good and even fairly entertaining at times. I've had a rubber band fight, I've been run over and into by my nephew on his tricycle, my nephew chewed through my flip-flops so I have none at the moment, roughhoused more than usual (yeah!), I've had a laugh with my students and I actually feel like I have been able to accomplish a few things. Now, if only I could spend an entire day outside!!!!!! I would be in heaven. Oh well, maybe this weekend. Well, I don't really have much else to post, so I guess that's it.

*About Me* Why am I so opinionated and why do I know what I believe about things that most people take a lifetime to decide on? Well, actually, there is a good reason for this. I was faced with many things as a child and adolescent that I had to make decisions about and I had to know why I made those decisions. When your family is split and your parents are presenting you with two different lifestyles and both hoping you will choose theirs you learn how to have an opinion and why you have that opinion. There is no one you can fall back on and no excuses you can lean on as to why you did what you did. You have to make a choice and then be willing to live with the consequences of that choice. Since that is the case, I learned to look over everything and imagine every possible outcome before I made a decision. I looked at every angle, thought of every consequence, tried to see where that decision would take me. Then, when I made a decision I knew why I had made it and was convinced that it was the best possible decision I could have made at that time. I still have that habit today, which tends to paint me as overly opinionated and much too absolute to some, but it's not that. It is the fear that I will be faced with something I don't know how to handle and will then make a poor decision. It's not that I don't have respect for other's opinions and beliefs, I am just sure of mine and I feel safe that way.

Rambling

WARNING! Rambling ahead. I am doing something I rarely ever do - I am sitting down to write this with absolutely no idea of what I want to write. The last couple days have been very interesting but I don't really want to blog about them. Oddly enough they have been almost too interesting to attempt to put them in a single post. I think my favorite thing this week has been my fridge. Maybe because it took so much effort to get it to work and I'm just proud of myself for doing it (I know I'm a dork; that's why you read this!) or maybe it's because I like the thrill of actually seeing that someone stopped and left me a message (yep, I'm corny too!). Anyhoo, whatever the case may be the fridge has certainly been my favorite object this week. The most interesting thing that has happened to me in the past few days was a customer at work bringing me a card with a gift card in it. It was so great! It made my day that day and now I get free coffee, which if any of you really know me you know I cannot and should not be without at least a cup every day so this was definitely a good thing. You know, I say definitely way too much. Rain man certainly had an impact on my young life! There has to be another word out there that is just as pertinent that I can use. Hmmm. Oh, btw, if any of you noticed the message that was on my fridge earlier today you now know that I was telling the truth. Mr. Darcy lives and breathes as I type this post. You know, that's kinda scary. Since now I know he really exists what happens to him? Does he live out his novel character or is he rebellious and make his own way? Does he overcome his horrible pride or is he swallowed up by it with no hope of recovery? I think a better question is can the world still produce an Elizabeth that can set him straight? For all my love of my sex and my insistence on being a perfect woman, I know of no such woman who could handle this particular creature. I don't wish to say he is beyond hope, but definitely a challenge (there's that word again!!!!) and a huge one at that. Oh well, it's a good thing I don't have to worry about it, but it will be entertaining to watch. So, Mr. Darcy, if you are reading this, I hope you find your Elizabeth some day and please express my utmost condolences to her as well as all my wishes for her luck in succeeding with you! Now where was I before I got side-tracked on Darcy? Oh ya, my lack of vocabulary. Well, sad to say I don't think there is much hope of improving that any time soon, but at least I know my grammar hasn't ran out and is still pretty good even when I run out of things to say. (Sorry, it's still fresh and I just couldn't resist!) Oh, and that reminds me, before anyone tells me I misspelled the quote from my sidebar, shewed is the right spelling. It's just old English. Ok, I think I better stop rambling, this is getting a bit ridiculous and scary, at least for me. If I keep this up there's no telling what will show up on this blog and then in the morning I will be forced to delete things that I probably never should have posted. Oh well. I try. What else can I say?

*About Me* I started writing when I was very young. I loved reading because I could escape reality and live in someone else's at least for a short while. Writing was even better though because it let me create the reality I wanted to escape to. Also, I found I could express through my writing what I couldn't say. My freshman year of high school my vice-principal started really encouraging me to develop my writing and I found that I actually could write and do it well. Fiction was a little hard for me - I could tell a story well, but the patience to write it all down before if left my brain was a bit tough. Poetry came very easily and it proved to be my greatest outlet for expressing all the things I went through in high school. Academic writing was also relatively enjoyable for me. There really isn't any type of writing I don't enjoy as long as I can put some of myself into what I am writing. If I can make it my own and not some facsimile of someone else's work then I am perfectly happy. So now you know at least a little about why I blog. I love the writing of it!!!!

Mr. Darcy

As any of you who thoroughly read this blog or have viewed my profile know, I am a huge fan of Jane Austin and particularly of her book Pride and Prejudice. Of all the books out there that chronicle the relationship between a man and a woman that one is one of the best. The dialogue between the two main characters is amazing, and at least from a woman's point of view, mostly true. That said I have to acknowledge that I do know the book is fiction and the characters do not really exist, or do they? I swear I have met someone who is the incarnation of Mr. Darcy. The pride, the inability to be criticised, the inability to be laughed at or more than mildly teased, the assumptions that he is above all and able to accomplish all, the arrogance that was so much a part of Darcy's character. The resemblance is incredible! I swear I could take some of the lines from the book that reference Mr. Darcy and directly apply them to this individual. Of course, I am speaking with a bit of prejudice on my part I am sure, but others who are acquainted with the book and have heard me speak of said gentleman came to the same conclusion with no help from me. So, I think I can now at least somewhat firmly assert that I have met and now know Mr. Darcy!! I suppose that I should also admit that while I am not as well acquainted with his more virtuous side, what I do know of him is as kind and gentle as Darcy proved to be when all was said and done. So, he has the bad and the good and I guess I will wait and see who the "Elizabeth" is that can handle this Mr. Darcy.

Monday

It's Monday. I had to drag my sorry self out of bed this morning and actually get dressed. Of course then I promptly returned to bed for at least another 15 or 20 minutes before I decided I really should get up and leave for work. So I have been up now for almost 2 hours and I still feel like I could go to sleep. The funny thing is I slept a whole lot this weekend and I'm still tired. What's with that? Oh well. My weekend was really good. I got to hang out with my friends last night and something happened around 8 p.m. because we all got super silly. We were acting so crazy. Just to give you an idea - we were singing Weird Al songs and then making up our own bazaar songs. Ya, it sounds completely ridiculous and it was, but it was so much fun. I'm sure any onlooker would have thought several of us were intoxicated but, no, we didn't need any alcohol to play the fool; just being ourselves. You know, it's funny. I've never been drunk or had any alcohol at all and I've never wanted to and I have some friends who don't understand this. I've heard them say that it relaxes you, it gives you a buzz, it lets you have fun, and I'm sure that is all true; but my own experience has been that all I need to have a "high" or a "buzz" or have a good time - even being just plain silly or stupid - is a group of friends that I can relax around and just be me. I've never needed anything to help me have a good time with my friends. Just being with them is usually more than enough to get me going, and believe me that can get very interesting. I can easily pass for drunk without ever having a drop of anything to drink. Scary? Oh ya. But definitely a good time. So, for all those who spent the weekend partying because it's spring break this week - go for it; but I'll keep my sobriety and still have a good time and not have to deal with any after effects the next morning. Am I better than you? Nah, I just feel better than you. LOL!!!! Just kidding.
Ok, so I'm not sure where all that came from but it works for now. I guess that's my post for the day!

*About Me* Little known fact: I actually had etiquette lessons as a child. I was Emily Posted from age 7 until about age 9. I had lessons on manners at mealtimes - including how to sit, how to eat soup, how to order at a restaurant, etc. -, getting on and off elevators, getting in and out of cars, entering buildings with men and women, sitting properly in a dress, on and on. It's kinda strange that someone from Arizona would have this type of training seeing as pretty much no one out here uses it, but one of my babysitters was from Boston and she decided it was something we needed to know. So, thank you, Kathleen for the info. It does pay off in certain situations, and the rest of the time it just adds to the curiosity that is my persona.

A Thought

This post won't be long. I just wanted to say that today I was reminded of just how amazing God is and how He will always come through for us when we obey Him. Growing up I heard all the stories about Moses and the Red Sea, Joshua and the battle of Jericho, Daniel in the lion's den, Jonah and the whale, etc. I always thought, wow that's so amazing; I wish I could see something like that today. The thing is, I can. The Bible says that God is the same yesterday, today and forever. What He did in the Bible He is just as capable of doing today. The amazing fulfillments of promises and provisions made by Him can still happen. What's even more amazing is that they can happen in my life. God can still do great things and He can do them for me. I have experienced God doing some amazing things for me, but sometimes you can forget everything that God has done and then you start to lose sight of Him and what is really important in life. You can become so focused on what you want or what you don't have and forget what a mighty God He is. So, today I was reminded that He is still: "A friend to the friendless, a father to the fatherless, a mother to the motherless, the Rose of Sharon, the Bright and Morning Star, my lawyer in the judgment, the Great Physician, the One Who will help me cross Jordan." "He's more wonderful than my mind can conceive, He's more wonderful than my heart can believe. He goes beyond my highest hopes and fondest dreams. He's everything that my soul ever longed for, everything He promised and so much more. More than amazing, more than marvelous, more than miraculous could ever be. He's more than wonderful. That's what Jesus is to me"

My Fridge

Hey, I think this finally worked!!!!! So, there is a new feature at the bottom of my blog posts towards the end of the page. You can now leave me messages on my fridge!!! By the way, I have to say thank you to my friend for helping me with this because truth be told I had no idea what I was doing and spent way too much time screwing this up. So, thanks for fixing it. I guess I owe you one. :]

Some Quotes

I don't really have much to write but I found some things while I was reading this morning and I want to post those. These are quotes from Oswald Chambers; his website is posted in my links box.:
"No one is ever united with Jesus Christ until he is willing to relinquish not sin only, but his whole way of looking at things. To be born from above of the Spirit of God means that we must let go before we lay hold, and in the first stages it is the relinquishing of all pretence. . .
There will have to be the relinquishing of my claim to my right to myself in every phase. Am I willing to relinquish my hold on all I possess, my hold on my affections, and on everything, and to be identified with the death of Jesus Christ?
There is always a sharp painful disillusionment to go through before we do relinquish. When a man really sees himself as the Lord sees him, it is not the abominable sins of the flesh that shock him, but the awful nature of the pride of his own heart against Jesus Christ. When he sees himself in the light of the Lord, the shame and the horror and the desperate conviction come home."
"The one thing God keeps us to steadily is that we may be one with Jesus Christ. After sanctification the discipline of our spiritual life is along this line. If God gives a clear and emphatic realization to your soul of what He wants, do not try to keep yourself in that relationship by any particular method, but live a natural life of absolute dependence on Jesus Christ. Never try to live the life with God on any other line than God's line, and that line is absolute devotion to Him. The certainty that I do not know - that is the secret of going with Jesus."
"If human love does not carry a man beyond himself, it is not love. If love is always discreet, always wise, always sensible and calculating, never carried beyond itself, it is not love at all. It may be affection, it may be warmth of feeling, but it has not the true nature of love in it.
Have I ever been carried away to do something for God not because it was my duty, nor because it was useful, nor because there was anything in it at all beyond the fact that I love Him?"
These things get me thinking; hope they do the same for you.

*About Me* The Southern part of me. My dad's family is from Texas and not the big city part. As a kid I used to spend two and three weeks ever summer on my grandparent's farm. This gave me the opportunity to see real country life. There were no major towns within several miles of the farm and the nearest big town had maybe 2,000 occupants. It could be lonely and even boring at times, but usually there was plenty to do. Some experiences: learning to shoot, driving tractors (don't let your brother go with you!), going for trailer rides (just make sure you don't lose anyone when you jump off and then try to get back on ;]) feeding livestock (again, the brothers probably aren't a good idea, especially if they have pellet guns and intend to use them), playing on huge mounds of bailed hay, riding and taking care of horses, walking down country lanes and across huge pastures, fishing ('cause Texas actually has water), swimming in lakes and ponds (don't ever do this and try to play truth or dare with the high school church group - what was it that they said about good country morals????), having everyone and their neighbor know who you are, and meeting more family than you care to know or could possibly remember.

Today

What to say, what to say. Actually, I don't have much to say. I could write about all kinds of things, but oddly enough they don't seem to be the right thing to post. Thursdays are always kinda weird days anyway. They are right in the middle of the week but they feel like the end of the week. Ok, I'm not making much sense, I'll stop now. Hmmm. I guess there isn't much I want to say that I want the world to know about. If I am learning anything right now it is to keep my big mouth shut. There are so many things that are better left unsaid (and most times not thought as well). One thing I will say, I am so glad spring is here and winter is over. I know it may get a little cold again, but the winter is definitely gone. YA!!!!! No more freezing and now we can enjoy gorgeous weather. It was so nice last night I wanted to spend the night outside. There is nothing like a spring night in Arizona when you can just sit under the huge open sky and marvel at the stars, at the universe, at creation. I love it.

*About Me* My schooling. I went to the same school from kindergarten through 12th grade. Shocking, I know, but the truth. The school was a small church school. When I was very young there were probably 40 to 50 students in the school, total. By the time I graduated high school there were maybe 20 to 25. My uncle was the principal, my aunt the English and Literature teacher. My mom helped teach science. There were other teachers, but I knew all of them my whole life, so they were like family as well. Most of the student were from the church but there were several who were not. Needless to say there was nothing ordinary about this schooling experience except maybe the material taught. For most of my schooling experience we used a self-pace program that didn't require a lot of lecturing from the teachers but each student got a lot of individual attention. The school was a college prep school so we took a lot of extra classes and you had to have an A or B average. Nothing below that was acceptable (my average math score in high school was a C or D so I redid a lot of homework!) My class load my junior year of high school looked something like this: English, Math, Science, History, Constitution, Current Events (reading/writing on current events), Bible Study, Literature, and Vocabulary. I know it seems like a lot, but it was manageable and those classes really paid off in college. The school also gave us the opportunity to take art classes and music lessons and encouraged creative writing (usually there were several assignments each year that had to be turned in). There's a lot more to my pre-college school years, but that is them in a nutshell. I know the experience was very different in many ways from the average American student but there were also a lot of similarities, but that is for another time.

My Life and God

Sometimes this crazy life can throw us all for a loop. Things don't work out the way we planned them, or they do work out that way and we are very unhappy with our success. Relationships form that we think will last forever and then suddenly they are broken. Friends are found in unexpected places and bring something to your life that you never knew you were missing. Life can change from great to terrible in three seconds, or from depressing to wonderful in a moment. To be very honest, I'm never really sure where this life is taking me or what will happen from one day to the next. Now, for my melancholy, planning mind that can drive me nuts. I can feel like things are out of control or that if I don't know what is going to happen and exactly when it is going to happen that means that it will end up horribly. However, I am learning that I can also choose to just relax and let God take me wherever it is He wants to and realize that I don't have to always know what is going on or how things will work out. Believe me, it is very hard - sometimes excruciatingly so - for me to hand the reins over to someone else and let them make the decisions on what will happen. It's not that I'm a control freak, I'm just not confident that I am safe in anyone's hands but my own. Of course, I know that being in God's hands is the best place to be, but living that and actually trusting Him to direct my life and take care of me and all my wants and needs are two different things. So, I'm trying to learn how to really "commit my way to the Lord", trusting Him to take care of everything. I can say that when it comes to important decisions in my life I am not used to trusting God to take care of everything. I usually spend my time trying to ensure things go the way I think they should or want them to. Now I want to learn how to relax, let go of the reins, and let God direct me where He will, knowing that He will only do what is best for me and if I follow His plan for my life then it will be the best life I could ask for on this earth. Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans for welfare and not for calamity; to give you a future and a hope." It also says in Ephesians 3:20:(He) Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]--. I know God can run my life far better than I can and I want to actually live it, no holds barred, in every area, waiting to see where He will take me and how amazing both the journey and the outcome will be. So, here's me taking a deep breath and plunging into trusting God to lead me and guide me in the right way, not knowing how it will end up but trusting Him to make everything right.
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all." Proverbs 3:5,6 (the Message)
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5,6 (New American Standard Bible)
"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully." I Peter 5:7 (Amplified)

*About Me* Missed memories: My friends who have known me from grade school through high school (you know you girls are missed). My dad actually being my dad. My grandfather and being on the farm in Texas. Being a kid and having no responsibility (lol), and being home with my mom and my brothers and sisters.

Oh the Silliness!!!!

We all know that girls can be silly. Now imagine five girls sitting around a kitchen table eating cookies and just laughing it up. That was the scene at my house last night. When everyone got home we had all had a long hard day and we were all tired which only made the situation more interesting. The silliness really began when we started swapping stories about the day and the general craziness that occurs in college classrooms, the workplace, and just everyday life. My youngest sister was trying so desperately to tell her stories but she was laughing so hard she could hardly get through them. Of course the silly interjections didn't help her out either and she finally had to stop in a fit of laughter, almost unable to breathe she was laughing so hard. Then there was the exchange between two of my older sisters that had all of us rolling.
Sister 1: OK, the chair in the living room was fixed today and you can now sit in it, but NO MORE sleeping in it. Does everyone understand?
Sister 2: Sleep in it? Who does that?
Sister 1 (totally incredulous): WHAT?!! What do you mean who does that? You are one of the main ones who does.
Sister 2 (completely confused): Me? No I don't.
Sister 1: Yes you do. You are always getting up in the middle of the night and moving out here and falling asleep in the chair.
Sister 2 (sounding relieved): Oh, you can't hold me accountable for that. I don't know what I'm doing.
Sister 1: What?! How can you say that?
By this point the conversation couldn't continue because we were all laughing so hard no one was taking anyone seriously anymore. In fact, there was very little conversation going on at all; just a few words would get out before another round of laughter would interrupt whoever was attempting to speak. I was laughing so hard my sides hurt. It was so ridiculous but it was so much fun. That is definitely something worth coming home to.

*About Me* It might surprise some of you to know that I was a very quiet person in junior high and high school. I had opinions and criticisms but I rarely voiced them in public. Most people didn't know I existed in a room. I was the quiet, intelligent type who wasn't very popular and didn't care to be. I got along mostly with guys (mostly because I thought most of the girls were ditsy) and I was not afraid to take anyone on - intellectually, physically or otherwise. I was not loud and in-your-face but most people knew not to mess with me. (Sheesh! I don't sound like a very nice kid!)

About Me

I know the first post of the day was a bit long and crazy but I forgot to add the About Me at the end and I promised I would be good about that this week. So, here goes.
*About Me* A snapshot of my life from the time I was 9 until just before I turned 15. Mondays and Tuesdays: all day with mom (or my elder siblings on the nights my mom worked). Wednesdays: school from 8-3 and then off to Dad's house and attending his church at night. Thursdays: school and then with Dad. Fridays: school until 12 and then with Dad. Saturdays: all day with Dad unless I spent the night with mom. Sundays: mornings and church with mom, afternoons and evening church with Dad. I had two churches, two sets of friends, two houses, two rooms (well, I shared), two very different lifestyles. The only two things my parents had in common was church and being strict.

What I Want To Do

CAUTION: Before you read any further you must know that the following post will be a bit crazy and most likely not make much sense to any of you, but this blog is not just for you; it's for me too. So, proceed with caution!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What I want to do: Go somewhere - anywhere - outside of Tucson for at least a week. I want to see the world, especially Ireland. I want to go to New York and go to the Met and Broadway and Central Park and the Museum of Modern Art and anything else the city has to offer. I want to go rafting and take an ATV down the beaches at Rocky Point and actually ride a motorcycle rather than just look at one and admire it. I want to go to Washington D.C. and see everything - the mall, the buildings, the Smithsonian (all of it), the memorials, the White House, everything. I want just one night when I can go home, turn my music up as loud as I want and be as crazy as I want and not care what anyone thinks of me. I want to be as silly as a I can be (I actually did some of this last night and it was so much fun!) and talk without having to make sense. I want to not have to think or pretend to be intelligent or actually have to use reasoning to explain life and its workings. I want to be free to act completely and totally insane and not worry about the consequences (I know, that's not reality, but remember this is just what I want, not what will happen). I want to be a nice size 6 so that I actually feel like I a woman and not like She-Ra, so I can at least imagine that I am attractive to look at and not just keep striving to be so with out much success. I want some good man to fall madly in love with me (don't worry, I'm not insane; just momentarily delusional) and actually want to marry me and not just date me for a while. I want the ability to be a nice person, even when I'm having a bad day (actually this want can be met; it just takes hard work, sigh). I want the hurts I have to heal so that I don't keep acting on them and hurting those around me, especially the ones I care about most. I want to be loved for me and not for what someone thinks I can or should be, not because I would be loyal and dependable (not that those are bad qualities, but they are not specific to just me), not because I make you feel good, not because you see me as physically attractive (what happens if at some point you don't?), and most of all not because there is just no one else out there within your reach. I want someone to love me - who I am, both the good and the bad (yes, I am aware there is quite a bit of that), the pleasing and unpleasing, the smart and not-so-smart, and everything else that makes up the complex, crazy, absolutely obnoxious person that is me. Wow, I definitely want way too many things!!!!!
OK, so this was a bit of a rant. Sorry. Please don't take anything too seriously; I'm just ranting to say things I don't normally say out loud. Really, I am quite sane; well maybe not. Anyway, no worries, my balance is returning and I will soon return to the person you are used to seeing here, but I must warn that it might happen again. Return to my blog if you dare.

My Father

Through most of my teenage years I didn't have my father around. I moved out of his house just before I turned 15 and after that I would visit him occasionally or talk with him on the phone but he wasn't really a part of my life and he certainly did not function as my father. My mom did the best she could but she couldn't be my dad. When I lived with my dad he wasn't around much but at least he was there some of the time and I could talk to him and he had input in my life. Since I was 15 I have had no continual father figure in my life and let me tell you, it has been rough. I don't know what sparked it this week but I started reminiscing and it made me realize how much I miss my dad. I miss having a father I can talk things over with and get advice from. I can't ask my dad for a man's opinion of female behavior and what is or isn't a good idea; I can't ask him for advice about guys I'm interested in and get his view on who would be a good idea and who wouldn't; I can't ask for help with my finances or in making decisions about my future; and what I miss the most - I can't come home and walk into his arms and have him hold me or cry into his shoulder when I hurt too much to even speak or have him there to protect me from the world when it is just too much for me to handle. Yes, I really miss him. What's the point of this blog? Well, I don't want you to feel sorry for me - everyone has things that are hard in their life. I just want a chance to say that despite how much I miss my father and very much wish he were a part of my life, I do have a Father. (For those of you who are squeamish at the mention of spiritual things you might want to stop reading now.) I know that God is not a physical father, but believe me, His presence in my life as a Father has been so real to me and such a comfort. No, I can't go to my dad for advice, but I can go to God. Whenever I need comfort, whenever I need advice, whenever I need to be held - God is right there. There is never a time when He doesn't show up or fails to respond to me or help me. When I'm at my lowest or in the biggest trouble I can get myself in God has always stepped in and helped me. Whenever I am so hurt or just need to cry I know I can talk to God and just sit in His presence and let Him comfort me or read from His Word and let it speak to my spirit, let it act like the soothing balm that it is. I'm sure this sounds crazy to a lot of you, but believe me, it is so real. I have numerous friends who do not understand why I am so in love with Jesus or why He is a part of everything in my life, but they don't understand what He has done for me, all the times He has come through for me, all the things He has brought me through, the hurts He has healed, the provisions He has made, the awesome things He has done for me. In light of everything He has done for me and continues to do for me, how could I think anything less of Him than I do or give Him anything less than my life? This week when I missed my dad so much it made me cry my only comfort was being able to pray and have God comfort me, wrapping His spiritual arms around me and holding me close, assuring me that He is truly a Father to the fatherless and He will never leave me or forsake me. So, I may not have much of a physical father, but at least I have not been left completely without, and I am so thankful I have not been.

Good Times

First, I have to say that I have thoroughly enjoyed the last few blogs and the comments posted. Thanks for writing. Now, to let you in on what's been going on in my world. Life has been it's usual winding journey through ups and downs and in betweens. I have been having to make some hard choices but that isn't bad. I've been second guessing graduate school and wondering if I really want to go back but my human conscience (my second "mom") has told me that if I don't she will soundly kick me in the rear until I do. Work has been pretty good but I have to say that the extra chunks out of my paycheck from the federal government do not make me happy in the slightest. One thing I am learning is how to put all the things I've learned in to practice. Knowing how to organize and take care of things is one thing, but having to put that to use is quite another. I must pause here for a moment to give a nod towards the housewife. Last year I worked a job where I had to do basically everything a housewife does: cook, clean, run laundry, maintain order in a house - and let me tell you I was left with a deep appreciation for what the average housewife does. She definitely has my respect. Anyway, back to my life. Probably the best thing going on in my life right now is being able to spend quite a bit of time with the students I work with. Not only do I work with them in school but I also play for them when they perform at various elder care and/or retirement centers around town. It is really great to watch them grow up and form opinions and views on life, to form personalities and identities all their own, and most of all to see their sense of humor come out. Of course, many times I am the target of their humor, but that doesn't bother me at all. I know they are just having fun and they feel secure that they can laugh at me or tease me and I will most likely join in with them. Yesterday I had them at school for quite some time and when the day was over and they were outside playing they decided to have one last hurrah with me. I was called outside by one of the girls yelling my name and giggling uncontrollably. "You have to see this!" she kept saying. When I got to where she was pointing, there on the sidewalk was a huge chalk painting done by one of the boys I work with. It was my initials with silly names attached to each initial and then a silly phrase using the words. Of course all the kids were laughing and thought it was great. I couldn't help but smile and even laugh, more at their responses than at the ridiculous drawing, but it was still fun. We had at least 20 minutes of laughs over that. They truly make my life good. Despite the frustration they sometimes cause I wouldn't want them to not be in my life. They teach me so many things and they keep me laughing, and that is the best part.

*About Me* I know it's been a while, but I will do better next week. Things I hate: snakes (ewww!), spiders (if they are on me), mornings, black coffee, people who can't sing but try, and feeling nervous around people, just to name a few.

What Women Want

What women want (at least this woman) is a man who is strong enough to handle her and gentle enough to love her, a man who knows what he wants and is not afraid to go after what he wants (side note: the single greatest harm feminists introduced was making pansies out of men in order to make women feel better about themselves - what a disaster!), a man who is not afraid of hard work and commitment (that's right I said the horrid word), a man who can see past himself to what others need, a man who can actually admit he is wrong (at least 1/3 of the time is even good), and last but not least a man who can not only handle criticism but grow from it. Of course in my very narrow minded thinking the single most important characteristic a good man should have is a personal knowledge of and love for God. It seems to me that if he can get that aspect of his life under control then all the others will follow. I would second guess as to whether or not any man loved me just because he said so, but if I knew he loved God then I would be even more confident that he knew how to love me and would do so. I blogged yesterday on whether or not women can be pleased and that started me thinking about what would please a woman. I'm sure there are the superficial shallow types out there who are pleased with jewelry and flowers and any other material thing that could be presented as a gift, but the majority of women can be pleased with just a few simple things. We want to be told that we are loved, that we are needed, that we are the best thing that ever happened to you (and if we're not, you need to find someone else!), that we are appreciated, that we are thought about when you are not around us (in other words we do occupy at least a small portion of your wandering thoughts), that you think we are the most beautiful creature in the world - not because we are physically but because of what we mean to you, and that your life is better because we are in it. My grandfather gave me some interesting advice last year. He said, "Find a man who worships the ground you walk on and that's who you want to marry." I think that's good advice and I'll use it. No, I don't want a limp noodle following me around everywhere, but I do want someone who doesn't want anyone else but me, can't imagine life without me, and would do anything for me. Sure, these seem like high demands, but they are necessary. Besides, it's not that men need to say these things everyday, but every now and then would be enough to keep most women more than happy. Women just want to be loved (I know it sounds cheezy but it's true). I guess, in thinking about it, that's why the Bible says for men to love their wives but women are to respect their husbands. Not that men don't need love, but they need it in the form of respect for who they are and what they do. Women need respect too, but we feel respected when you men show us that out of all the women out there you love and care for us.
So, if you absolutely hate anything I wrote here or disagree in any way, let me know. It would definitely be food for thought. Now, about loving a woman . . . .