The Thanksgiving holiday is all about taking time to reflect on the blessings we have experienced in the past year and giving thanks for those blessings. The Hanukkah holiday is about remembering the faithfulness of God to His people and the miracles He performs in keeping His promises. This year, for the first time in over a hundred years, the Hanukkah holiday started on Thanksgiving, causing the celebration of both days to be joined.
I love Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite holidays for many reasons, but mostly, I love the family element to it. I also love the story of Hanukkah and love the idea of celebrating God's faithfulness and His miracles. This year, though, both holidays were particularly special because of what I experienced. I call it my Thanksgiving/Hanukkah miracle.
This story starts 22 years ago, when my dad took six of us kids to visit my grandparents on their farm for the first time. It was the summer of 1991 and it was the first time my siblings and I would meet the majority of my dad's family. For the first part of our lives we didn't even know we had family outside of Tucson and we had only just met our grandparents 2 years before that. This might not seem strange to many of you, but my dad's family has been in East Texas for generations and everyone has grown up around each other with their kids all playing together and knowing everyone in the family. My dad was the only one of his brothers who did not live near by and whose children did not really know the family. So, our trip to Texas that year was pretty important.
During our stay in Texas that summer, we had a mini family reunion so that we kids could meet all the family, and it was pretty amazing. I had no idea there were so many Winchesters in the world, much less that I was directly related to so many of them. It was a great trip, and I remember thinking that for the first time in my life I really felt like I had family roots. My grandparent's farm instantly became a home away from home, and I place I would always love going back to.
In the summer of 1991, my parents were going through a separation and my family was a split one. There were many broken relationships and it didn't look like things were going to be fixed any time soon. My grandparents longed to have a relationship with all their grandkids and they wanted my dad to be reconciled with my mom. At the end of our stay with them that summer, my dad, my grandparents, and my siblings and I all gathered in the living room of my grandparent's farm and said a prayer before we headed out on our drive home to Arizona. As my grandfather prayed, he asked the Lord to one day bring us all back safely to the farm as a whole family, my mom included. At the time, it didn't seem like that would ever be possible, but my grandfather prayed for it anyway.
Twenty-two years passed and during that time, many things changed. In 1996, five years after my grandfather prayed that prayer, he passed away from a brain tumor. He did not live to see the whole family together at the farm, but he did get to see all my dad's children make separate trips to the farm. In 2007, my grandmother passed away. She got to enjoy seeing all my dad's children make several trips to the farm and even got to see my dad's first grandson make a trip to the farm, but still, she never saw the whole family there. My mom and dad were divorced by this time and the family had not been whole in almost 20 years. It seemed like my grandfather's prayer on that summer day so long ago was not going to be answered.
In 2010, after 21 years of separation, God did a miracle. My parents reconciled and were remarried. God had done the impossible in bringing them back together. Last year, my mom made her first trip to the family farm with my dad.
This year, on Thanksgiving, my mom and dad and all their children and grandchildren made the trip to the family farm in East Texas. It was the first time all of us has been at the farm at one time, as a whole family. For the first time, all of us participated in one of the traditional Winchester Thanksgivings on the farm, and after 22 years, my grandfather's prayer was answered.
I cannot tell you what that meant to me; to be a part of that; to watch it happen. I am still in awe at the faithfulness of God and His ability to make the impossible a reality. While I wish that my grandparents had been there to see this miracle happen, I know that they must have been watching from Heaven and their hearts must have been bursting with gladness. How great is God and how faithful is He?? I am so thankful that He is all of that and more. I am thankful that He answers prayer, even if it is not on our timetable, and even if we don't ever see it. I am thankful that He steps out of Heaven and inserts Himself in this broken, chaotic world, working miracles and creating beautiful masterpieces that proclaim how great and marvelous He is. This Thanksgiving season I am giving thanks, and this Hanukkah season, I am again reminded that God is faithful and He works miracles.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Cheese Sandwiches and Sundays
Dad, This one is for you......
Today I am feeling very emotional. I don't know why exactly - it might be that I am feeling a little sick, or that I am exhausted from my hectic week. What ever the case may be, I am emotional. When I get emotional, I tend to reminisce, a lot. When I am reminiscing, I tend to want to write about it. When I am emotional and reminiscing, food is sometimes involved. You know that feeling when you want something that your mom used to make for you or that one dish that you used to love when you were a kid? Well, that's what happens to me. Food is comforting to me, and when it is a food that I have fond memories of, it is even more comforting. So, you take the fact that I like to write when I am emotional and the fact that I tend to reminisce about food when I am emotional, and you get this blog post. :)
The food memory that struck me today as I was driving home from church was that of cheese sandwiches on Sunday afternoons. When I was kid, my parents were split up, so we divided our weekends between them. We went to church with my mom on Sunday mornings and then my dad would pick us up in the afternoon and we would spend the rest of the day with him. At my mom's church, they usually served the same thing every Sunday - bean tostadas for lunch with cake for dessert. Being a kid, I did not always want to eat the same thing each Sunday. When it happened that the usual meal was not appetizing to me, I would wait for my dad to pick us up and them eat at his house. By the time we got to his place it would generally be later in the afternoon and there would not be enough time to eat a huge meal, so I would eat something that was filling enough to tide me over until dinner, but light enough that I would still want dinner. Enter the cheese sandwich.
The cheese sandwich was a staple in my dad's house. We ate it on Sunday and Saturday afternoons, and we packed it for school lunches religiously. It was a favorite of mine and my younger siblings, no question about it. The cheese sandwich held a very special place in our hearts and on our lunch plates, and there were very specific requirements that had to be fulfilled in order for a sandwich to qualify as a cheese sandwich. Those requirements were as follows: It had to be made with Miracle Whip on both sides of the bread, it had to be made with mild yellow cheese, it had to be cut in two before eating it, and it had to be eaten with some sort of side like corn chips or cut veggies. There were variations to the cheese sandwich that were acceptable, but not necessary. For example, my oldest brother would smother his sandwiches in ketchup - eventually he would substitute the Miracle Whip for just ketchup, but that is another story. Occasionally we would add lunch meat to our cheese sandwiches, but never so much that it would drown out the strong cheese flavor. Sometimes we would add lettuce or other condiments such as mustard and pickle relish, but always the cheese must be the main part of the sandwich.
Making and eating those sandwiches was an experience. You would start with the cheese and a cheese slicer. You always adjust the slicer so that it cuts the cheese in slices about 1/8 to 1/4 of an inch thick. This was thick enough to get a nice flavor but not too thick so as to be overpowering. Then you would put the Miracle Whip on the bread. You had to make sure that the Miracle Whip covered every part of the bread and was on thick enough so you could taste it when you bit into the sandwich. After that, you laid the cheese on top of the Miracle Whip, added whatever extras sounded good, put the pieces of bread together and cut the sandwich in two. Done! Your masterpiece was ready to eat.
I cannot tell you how many times I enjoyed cheese sandwiches when I was a kid. I never got tired of eating them. They became a comfort food for me. On Sunday afternoons when I was hungry and waiting for my dad to pick me up, I knew that the first thing I would do when I got home was make a cheese sandwich and head to my bedroom to enjoy it in solitude. Usually, that cheese sandwich would make me sleepy and I would enjoy a nice Sunday afternoon nap before I participated in whatever the family had planned for the evening. To me, cheese sandwiches represented everything that was good about food.
Since I've become an adult, there have been several occasions when the desire to enjoy a cheese sandwich has overcome me. The requirements are still the same - Miracle Whip on both sides of the bread, mild yellow cheese cut just perfectly, the sandwich cut in half. Each time I make a cheese sandwich and enjoy eating it, I think of all those wonderful memories as a child. This simple food takes me back to a place where I was happy, to something I shared with my brothers and sisters, and suddenly, I don't feel so lonely or sad. Today was no different. As I was driving home, I suddenly felt the intense need to have a cheese sandwich. The thought of the cheese sandwich sparked the memory of all those Sunday afternoons when I was kid and had enjoyed a cheese sandwich at my dad's house. When I got home this afternoon, I prepared my cheese sandwich. As I ate, the smell of the bread and cheese and the flavor of the sandwich took me back to when I was a child. I found myself laughing at the memories, enjoying the reminiscence, and once again thankful for cheese sandwiches and Sunday afternoons.
Today I am feeling very emotional. I don't know why exactly - it might be that I am feeling a little sick, or that I am exhausted from my hectic week. What ever the case may be, I am emotional. When I get emotional, I tend to reminisce, a lot. When I am reminiscing, I tend to want to write about it. When I am emotional and reminiscing, food is sometimes involved. You know that feeling when you want something that your mom used to make for you or that one dish that you used to love when you were a kid? Well, that's what happens to me. Food is comforting to me, and when it is a food that I have fond memories of, it is even more comforting. So, you take the fact that I like to write when I am emotional and the fact that I tend to reminisce about food when I am emotional, and you get this blog post. :)
The food memory that struck me today as I was driving home from church was that of cheese sandwiches on Sunday afternoons. When I was kid, my parents were split up, so we divided our weekends between them. We went to church with my mom on Sunday mornings and then my dad would pick us up in the afternoon and we would spend the rest of the day with him. At my mom's church, they usually served the same thing every Sunday - bean tostadas for lunch with cake for dessert. Being a kid, I did not always want to eat the same thing each Sunday. When it happened that the usual meal was not appetizing to me, I would wait for my dad to pick us up and them eat at his house. By the time we got to his place it would generally be later in the afternoon and there would not be enough time to eat a huge meal, so I would eat something that was filling enough to tide me over until dinner, but light enough that I would still want dinner. Enter the cheese sandwich.
The cheese sandwich was a staple in my dad's house. We ate it on Sunday and Saturday afternoons, and we packed it for school lunches religiously. It was a favorite of mine and my younger siblings, no question about it. The cheese sandwich held a very special place in our hearts and on our lunch plates, and there were very specific requirements that had to be fulfilled in order for a sandwich to qualify as a cheese sandwich. Those requirements were as follows: It had to be made with Miracle Whip on both sides of the bread, it had to be made with mild yellow cheese, it had to be cut in two before eating it, and it had to be eaten with some sort of side like corn chips or cut veggies. There were variations to the cheese sandwich that were acceptable, but not necessary. For example, my oldest brother would smother his sandwiches in ketchup - eventually he would substitute the Miracle Whip for just ketchup, but that is another story. Occasionally we would add lunch meat to our cheese sandwiches, but never so much that it would drown out the strong cheese flavor. Sometimes we would add lettuce or other condiments such as mustard and pickle relish, but always the cheese must be the main part of the sandwich.
Making and eating those sandwiches was an experience. You would start with the cheese and a cheese slicer. You always adjust the slicer so that it cuts the cheese in slices about 1/8 to 1/4 of an inch thick. This was thick enough to get a nice flavor but not too thick so as to be overpowering. Then you would put the Miracle Whip on the bread. You had to make sure that the Miracle Whip covered every part of the bread and was on thick enough so you could taste it when you bit into the sandwich. After that, you laid the cheese on top of the Miracle Whip, added whatever extras sounded good, put the pieces of bread together and cut the sandwich in two. Done! Your masterpiece was ready to eat.
I cannot tell you how many times I enjoyed cheese sandwiches when I was a kid. I never got tired of eating them. They became a comfort food for me. On Sunday afternoons when I was hungry and waiting for my dad to pick me up, I knew that the first thing I would do when I got home was make a cheese sandwich and head to my bedroom to enjoy it in solitude. Usually, that cheese sandwich would make me sleepy and I would enjoy a nice Sunday afternoon nap before I participated in whatever the family had planned for the evening. To me, cheese sandwiches represented everything that was good about food.
Since I've become an adult, there have been several occasions when the desire to enjoy a cheese sandwich has overcome me. The requirements are still the same - Miracle Whip on both sides of the bread, mild yellow cheese cut just perfectly, the sandwich cut in half. Each time I make a cheese sandwich and enjoy eating it, I think of all those wonderful memories as a child. This simple food takes me back to a place where I was happy, to something I shared with my brothers and sisters, and suddenly, I don't feel so lonely or sad. Today was no different. As I was driving home, I suddenly felt the intense need to have a cheese sandwich. The thought of the cheese sandwich sparked the memory of all those Sunday afternoons when I was kid and had enjoyed a cheese sandwich at my dad's house. When I got home this afternoon, I prepared my cheese sandwich. As I ate, the smell of the bread and cheese and the flavor of the sandwich took me back to when I was a child. I found myself laughing at the memories, enjoying the reminiscence, and once again thankful for cheese sandwiches and Sunday afternoons.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Christian Elitism
What is it about Christendom that fosters so much elitism? Why do so many people who wear the label Christian feel they have the right to look down their noses at everyone else? Where in Scripture does it teach that if you believe in Jesus as Messiah you are better than everyone else? Where does the Bible say that becoming a believer automatically gives you the right to judge yourself more worthy than others? I would say you couldn't find that teaching, or any others like, in Scripture; and, yet, elitism and snobbery run rampant in Christianity. It drives me crazy!
Elitism is the exact OPPOSITE of what belief in Christ is all about. How many times in the Bible do you find someone talking about how great they are? How may times do you see the great men and women of faith of the Scriptures looking down their noses at others? You won't find it. It's not in there. What you will find is great men and women of faith talking about how unworthy they are to receive the gift of salvation. What is in Scripture is teaching after teaching about how everyone is on equal footing with God and no person is better than any other. Still, so many believers feel it is their right, and many feel their duty, to scold others, look down on others, or label others as less faithful in their beliefs and practice. Why, why, why???
Those who do this can't possible think that this type of behavior makes God happy. They can't possibly think that acting is this way is emulating Jesus. Yet, I fear that many of them truly believe just that. They honestly believe they are filled with "righteous indignation" at the sins and wrong behaviors of others. They have convinced themselves that their are acting in defense of God and are fighting to preserve His laws, His ways. How sad, and I truly do mean sad, not pathetic.
Now before anyone gets too hot under the collar and starts to claim that I am doing exactly what I am accusing others of doing, let me explain. I am not looking down on those who are elitists. They get me really angry and I don't like that kind of behavior, but I do not think that I am better than them. For many years of my life, I was a Christian elitist. I thought that my brand of Christianity was better than everyone else's, that I was more accurately living out the Gospel than others. I know what it means to think you are righteously indignant at the way God is being treated.
Because I know what it's like to be this way, it makes me so sad when I see it in others. Yes, I get angry, but mostly, it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I can see how far from the character of God it really is, and how many people are hurt and damaged when Christians put on their elitism robes. I have seen first-hand how this type of behavior drives people from the throne of grace rather than drawing them in.
I agree that standing up for what you believe is important. I understand that living by Godly laws and working to live out the Gospel in your daily life is important. I get the the idea of wanting your life to be pleasing to God. However, I also believe that living out your Christian faith in a way that sneers at or belittles others does not fall into the category of being a Godly person, and, actually, it negates many of the positive effects of living according to Scripture.
I wish that it was popular in Christian culture to love people, to encourage people, to invite people to learn what truth is, rather than browbeating, scolding, and sneering at those who do not measure up to your ideals of what Christian living is. The people in Scripture that Jesus scolded and was ruthless with were the religious leaders of the day. The people He was most merciless with were those who thought that following God was adhering to a strict set of rules and then punishing those who didn't follow suite. To the sinners, the common people, the non-believers, Jesus was loving, kind, inviting, and understanding. Never, never did He look down His nose at anyone; and if anyone had the right to do that, it would have been Him.
I think the saddest, most devious, most destructive tool Satan has is the elitism that so grips many Christians. What if we as Jesus-followers spent less time judging the actions of others and more time loving them where they are at? What if we spent less energy scolding and beating others up with our words, and spent more time healing wounds and encouraging the lost and dying among us? What if we worried less about how the actions of others were making God (and let's be honest, ourselves) look and spent more time inviting others to know God. Perhaps if we could step down from our pedestals long enough to be on the same level as those around us, we might experience more of the power and presence of Jesus in our lives, and might just be the light to the world we are called to be.
I wish that every time we as Christians felt the need or urge to turn our noses up at someone and offer our cruelest words of wrath, we would remember the many mires in which we have found ourselves and the many disgraces we have needed saving from. I wish that every time we saw something that sparked the desire to wound someone in defense of our faith that we would recall how we were once enemies of Christ too. I wish that we would constantly bear in mind the grace with which we have been saved so that we could extend it to those around us whenever they needed it. I wish that we could stop trying to boast in who we are and what we believe and we would rest in the knowledge of Who He is, for that is enough; it is all we truly need.
Elitism is the exact OPPOSITE of what belief in Christ is all about. How many times in the Bible do you find someone talking about how great they are? How may times do you see the great men and women of faith of the Scriptures looking down their noses at others? You won't find it. It's not in there. What you will find is great men and women of faith talking about how unworthy they are to receive the gift of salvation. What is in Scripture is teaching after teaching about how everyone is on equal footing with God and no person is better than any other. Still, so many believers feel it is their right, and many feel their duty, to scold others, look down on others, or label others as less faithful in their beliefs and practice. Why, why, why???
Those who do this can't possible think that this type of behavior makes God happy. They can't possibly think that acting is this way is emulating Jesus. Yet, I fear that many of them truly believe just that. They honestly believe they are filled with "righteous indignation" at the sins and wrong behaviors of others. They have convinced themselves that their are acting in defense of God and are fighting to preserve His laws, His ways. How sad, and I truly do mean sad, not pathetic.
Now before anyone gets too hot under the collar and starts to claim that I am doing exactly what I am accusing others of doing, let me explain. I am not looking down on those who are elitists. They get me really angry and I don't like that kind of behavior, but I do not think that I am better than them. For many years of my life, I was a Christian elitist. I thought that my brand of Christianity was better than everyone else's, that I was more accurately living out the Gospel than others. I know what it means to think you are righteously indignant at the way God is being treated.
Because I know what it's like to be this way, it makes me so sad when I see it in others. Yes, I get angry, but mostly, it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I can see how far from the character of God it really is, and how many people are hurt and damaged when Christians put on their elitism robes. I have seen first-hand how this type of behavior drives people from the throne of grace rather than drawing them in.
I agree that standing up for what you believe is important. I understand that living by Godly laws and working to live out the Gospel in your daily life is important. I get the the idea of wanting your life to be pleasing to God. However, I also believe that living out your Christian faith in a way that sneers at or belittles others does not fall into the category of being a Godly person, and, actually, it negates many of the positive effects of living according to Scripture.
I wish that it was popular in Christian culture to love people, to encourage people, to invite people to learn what truth is, rather than browbeating, scolding, and sneering at those who do not measure up to your ideals of what Christian living is. The people in Scripture that Jesus scolded and was ruthless with were the religious leaders of the day. The people He was most merciless with were those who thought that following God was adhering to a strict set of rules and then punishing those who didn't follow suite. To the sinners, the common people, the non-believers, Jesus was loving, kind, inviting, and understanding. Never, never did He look down His nose at anyone; and if anyone had the right to do that, it would have been Him.
I think the saddest, most devious, most destructive tool Satan has is the elitism that so grips many Christians. What if we as Jesus-followers spent less time judging the actions of others and more time loving them where they are at? What if we spent less energy scolding and beating others up with our words, and spent more time healing wounds and encouraging the lost and dying among us? What if we worried less about how the actions of others were making God (and let's be honest, ourselves) look and spent more time inviting others to know God. Perhaps if we could step down from our pedestals long enough to be on the same level as those around us, we might experience more of the power and presence of Jesus in our lives, and might just be the light to the world we are called to be.
I wish that every time we as Christians felt the need or urge to turn our noses up at someone and offer our cruelest words of wrath, we would remember the many mires in which we have found ourselves and the many disgraces we have needed saving from. I wish that every time we saw something that sparked the desire to wound someone in defense of our faith that we would recall how we were once enemies of Christ too. I wish that we would constantly bear in mind the grace with which we have been saved so that we could extend it to those around us whenever they needed it. I wish that we could stop trying to boast in who we are and what we believe and we would rest in the knowledge of Who He is, for that is enough; it is all we truly need.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Thoughts
There are so many thoughts running around in my head tonight. There are things I want to say, things I want to mull over and work through, things I want to remember, and futures I want to dream about. As happens so frequently with me, my thoughts have overwhelmed me and I find it hard to put them on paper. Sometimes I wonder why it is that my thoughts have to rush in like torrential rains, and then why they have to stay and swirl around like churning oceans waters. Why is it that I cannot think of things one at a time rather than 500 things at a times? Even as I write this I find myself wanting to say so many things but having a hard time focusing on one specific thing to write about. Perhaps things are more difficult right now because there has been so much happening recently. Or, perhaps it is this time of year, which is always somewhat hard for me. I could go on and on wondering why, but I have never found that to be helpful. What seems to be most helpful is just talking about what I am thinking.
A few months ago I blogged about making some changes in my life. I talked about some goals I had that included getting into shape and making healthier choices, trying new things, and working to pay some things off. While it has not been easy to work towards these goals, I am really happy to say that I have made progress. I just completed the 3rd straight week of consistently exercising for 6 days out of every week. The workouts aren't especially grueling or long, and I feel almost embarrassed to admit that. However, I am really proud that I have stuck with it and it's given me hope that I will continue to stick with it. I haven't really lost any weight, which is disappointing, but I do feel better about myself.
On the trying new things front, I continue to stretch my horizons, particularly in the food area. The summer provided all sorts of opportunities to try new foods, and I loved it! I even spent some time trying new beers. :) I haven't had nearly as many adventures as I had hoped, but I did have a few that made the summer very enjoyable. I will continue to look for new foods to try and new adventures to have. I don't think my focus will be so intense these next few months, but I also think that this has become more of a habit for me, so it doesn't need intense focus.
The financial side of things has been a bit more rough. It feels that for everything inch I gained, I lost a mile. There were some good things. My student loans finally fell below the $100,000 dollar limit, which felt really good. It's still a lot to pay off, but it helps seeing some progress. There have been other struggles this summer on the financial front, but I can say that I am learning to stress about it less. My wonderful husband is so much better at that than me and he is always quick to reassure me that things will be ok. I do believe that, but I am growing weary of the battle and hope that it will not be too much longer.
There have been so much that has happened for me personally these past few months. I feel like I am continuing to grow and I am starting to expand my hopes and dreams for the future. My ideas about what I wish for have changed somewhat and I am finding myself imagining a future that looks very different from the one I always thought would be. I am starting to realize that just because I am fearful of something not going the way I thought it would doesn't mean it will be a bad thing. In fact, most times it turns out better than if things had gone the way I had intended them to.
Perhaps the best way to sum up my thoughts right now is to say there are some things that I am more sure of than ever, some things that I have never been more unsure of, and some things that I have realized I have no idea about. How's that for a summary? Just as random and chaotic as all the thoughts rolling around in my head right now. Well, at least it's an accurate representation.
A few months ago I blogged about making some changes in my life. I talked about some goals I had that included getting into shape and making healthier choices, trying new things, and working to pay some things off. While it has not been easy to work towards these goals, I am really happy to say that I have made progress. I just completed the 3rd straight week of consistently exercising for 6 days out of every week. The workouts aren't especially grueling or long, and I feel almost embarrassed to admit that. However, I am really proud that I have stuck with it and it's given me hope that I will continue to stick with it. I haven't really lost any weight, which is disappointing, but I do feel better about myself.
On the trying new things front, I continue to stretch my horizons, particularly in the food area. The summer provided all sorts of opportunities to try new foods, and I loved it! I even spent some time trying new beers. :) I haven't had nearly as many adventures as I had hoped, but I did have a few that made the summer very enjoyable. I will continue to look for new foods to try and new adventures to have. I don't think my focus will be so intense these next few months, but I also think that this has become more of a habit for me, so it doesn't need intense focus.
The financial side of things has been a bit more rough. It feels that for everything inch I gained, I lost a mile. There were some good things. My student loans finally fell below the $100,000 dollar limit, which felt really good. It's still a lot to pay off, but it helps seeing some progress. There have been other struggles this summer on the financial front, but I can say that I am learning to stress about it less. My wonderful husband is so much better at that than me and he is always quick to reassure me that things will be ok. I do believe that, but I am growing weary of the battle and hope that it will not be too much longer.
There have been so much that has happened for me personally these past few months. I feel like I am continuing to grow and I am starting to expand my hopes and dreams for the future. My ideas about what I wish for have changed somewhat and I am finding myself imagining a future that looks very different from the one I always thought would be. I am starting to realize that just because I am fearful of something not going the way I thought it would doesn't mean it will be a bad thing. In fact, most times it turns out better than if things had gone the way I had intended them to.
Perhaps the best way to sum up my thoughts right now is to say there are some things that I am more sure of than ever, some things that I have never been more unsure of, and some things that I have realized I have no idea about. How's that for a summary? Just as random and chaotic as all the thoughts rolling around in my head right now. Well, at least it's an accurate representation.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
The Flood
It's been a while since I posted and while my blog has been quiet, my life has not. It seems that my summer was filled with all sorts of everything and there was very little "free" time. Or maybe it's just that I didn't really feel like blogging. You know, creative types are known for lack of consistency. :)
At any rate, it is now halfway through September and I find myself wanting to write again. This past week has been a hard one for my adopted state home. We had massive flooding for most of last week and there are still parts of the state that are experiencing some flood-like conditions. There was so much destruction from the rain and water. So many people have lost their homes or their homes are in desperate need of repairs. Some people lost their lives. It's been a sobering, and at times scary, experience these past 7 days. I've never been this close to a natural disaster. In Arizona, the closest thing to a natural disaster we see is a bad sandstorm or a wicked thunderstorm. The flooding in Colorado this past week was something else. Entire communities were destroyed. Roads all over the northern part of the state were washed out, leaving many people stranded or handicapped in their day-to-day lives.
On the positive side, it has been so amazing to see how well equipped the state appears to be in handling something like this. The fire fighters, police officers, and rescue workers all acted quickly and worked tirelessly to ensure the safety of people. The national guard came in and worked hard to rescue people. The thing that has been most amazing to see, though, is the response of ordinary citizens here. Even before there were formal avenues to help with rescues and restoration, people were eagerly trying to help. There were so many people who went out of their way to help their neighbors and people they didn't even know. I don't honestly remember ever seeing a community band together in quite the same way. Even now, with the flood waters receding and the destruction growing more apparent, people are starting to rebuild and they are helping those around them to rebuild.
Another thing I noticed during this crisis was the humor and positive attitudes people had while this was going on. There was no negativity to be seen. Nobody was whining, nobody was forecasting doom. People were honest about what was happening, but with a very pragmatic approach. I heard so many people say, "things are just things" when asked about the loss of large chunks of their property. I heard people say funny things and find the humor in situations, and it was incredible. I've never lived somewhere where people did that, and it was an experience to remember.
The worst part of this experience, or should I say the scariest part, is over. The sun has started shining again and the waters are not threatening life and property. However, there is still a lot of work to do to restore the things that have been damaged. There are going to be months, if not years, of hard work ahead of everyone in this state. I hope that the positive outlooks and humorous attitudes will continue through this time. I hope that I can look back on this whole experience and still feel the wonder, amazement, thankfulness and pride I feel right now at Colorado my home state.
At any rate, it is now halfway through September and I find myself wanting to write again. This past week has been a hard one for my adopted state home. We had massive flooding for most of last week and there are still parts of the state that are experiencing some flood-like conditions. There was so much destruction from the rain and water. So many people have lost their homes or their homes are in desperate need of repairs. Some people lost their lives. It's been a sobering, and at times scary, experience these past 7 days. I've never been this close to a natural disaster. In Arizona, the closest thing to a natural disaster we see is a bad sandstorm or a wicked thunderstorm. The flooding in Colorado this past week was something else. Entire communities were destroyed. Roads all over the northern part of the state were washed out, leaving many people stranded or handicapped in their day-to-day lives.
On the positive side, it has been so amazing to see how well equipped the state appears to be in handling something like this. The fire fighters, police officers, and rescue workers all acted quickly and worked tirelessly to ensure the safety of people. The national guard came in and worked hard to rescue people. The thing that has been most amazing to see, though, is the response of ordinary citizens here. Even before there were formal avenues to help with rescues and restoration, people were eagerly trying to help. There were so many people who went out of their way to help their neighbors and people they didn't even know. I don't honestly remember ever seeing a community band together in quite the same way. Even now, with the flood waters receding and the destruction growing more apparent, people are starting to rebuild and they are helping those around them to rebuild.
Another thing I noticed during this crisis was the humor and positive attitudes people had while this was going on. There was no negativity to be seen. Nobody was whining, nobody was forecasting doom. People were honest about what was happening, but with a very pragmatic approach. I heard so many people say, "things are just things" when asked about the loss of large chunks of their property. I heard people say funny things and find the humor in situations, and it was incredible. I've never lived somewhere where people did that, and it was an experience to remember.
The worst part of this experience, or should I say the scariest part, is over. The sun has started shining again and the waters are not threatening life and property. However, there is still a lot of work to do to restore the things that have been damaged. There are going to be months, if not years, of hard work ahead of everyone in this state. I hope that the positive outlooks and humorous attitudes will continue through this time. I hope that I can look back on this whole experience and still feel the wonder, amazement, thankfulness and pride I feel right now at Colorado my home state.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Facing the Storm
About a month and a half ago I told a good friend of mine that I felt like I was getting ready to face a storm in my life. I just had this sense of needing to prepare myself to deal with some things that would be coming up, things that would be difficult to handle. As the week has passed, that feeling has turned out to be very true. I am in the midst of a giant storm. The winds are howling like crazy around me. The lighting and thunder are so fierce they make me tremble. Everywhere I look things are being uprooted and/or destroyed. Rain is soaking every inch of ground surrounding me.
I bet, right about now, you are thinking something along the lines of how terrible this is. Perhaps you're feeling sympathy for me or thinking that you need to pray more for me. While I welcome the prayers (I always do!), I want to reassure you that this is not a terrible thing. I am content where I am.
When I was a little girl growing up in Arizona, the summer monsoon storms were terrific. Big black clouds would roll in over the mountains some time in the late afternoon, producing incredible lighting and thunder claps that shook you to the very core. Huge gusts of wind would churn through the valley, knocking over trees, ripping through fences, sweeping up anything that was loose or weakly attached to something. Rain would come in torrential waves, soaking the ground and filling up the washes in just a few minutes. It was truly an amazing spectacle to watch, and I loved it. I loved the action of the storm and the smell of the rain. Most of all, though, I loved the newness of the earth after the storm had ended. Everything felt clean and washed out. Some things looked forever changed. Nothing was left untouched by the storm.
I have to admit, in my own life I have been afraid of the storms. I have not looked for them with the same anticipation I looked for those Arizona monsoons; and I've asked myself why. Is it because walking through the storms in my life is that much scarier than riding out a ferocious display of natural occurrences? Or is it as basic as the fact physical storms allow us a tangible world to perceive and interact with while life storms are relegated to the world of the mind and heart, a world which is confusing and cannot be ever truly known? I don't know. I could philosophize about it, but the short answer is - I don't know.
Just as I don't know why I have been afraid of the storms in my life, I don't know why, exactly, the storm I am currently in has ceased to scare me. I could say it is a result of my life experiences or a result of my strong faith, but I have a hard time believing that is really the answer. What I do believe might be the answer, though, is I have come to realize the value of storms in life. In realizing that storms are valuable and can accomplish something good, I have come to see the effects of the storm in a different light.
The winds that are howling all around me remind me of the peace and calm I have received as a result of my relationship with Jesus Christ. The lightning and thunder are a constant depiction of the awesomeness and wonder of the Creator who not only created those things but orders each step of my life and has allowed this storm to overtake me. There are definitely things being destroyed and uprooted around me, but some of those things are long overdue for a good makeover. False ideologies, foolish ideas, shallow goals and ambitions, incorrect beliefs and perceptions are a few of the things I can see being uprooted and destroyed. The rain that is falling all around me is refreshing and brings with it the hope for cleansing and a new life.
I am not afraid of this storm; I am facing it head on and hoping that I will come out of it a new person, cleaned out and ready for another chance at life. I do not know what this storm will bring nor how much I will lose before it is over, but I know Him who walks with me through it, and I am confident that His love will continually cover me and He will guide me through. I cannot control the storm, but I can be thankful for it and be open to it.
I bet, right about now, you are thinking something along the lines of how terrible this is. Perhaps you're feeling sympathy for me or thinking that you need to pray more for me. While I welcome the prayers (I always do!), I want to reassure you that this is not a terrible thing. I am content where I am.
When I was a little girl growing up in Arizona, the summer monsoon storms were terrific. Big black clouds would roll in over the mountains some time in the late afternoon, producing incredible lighting and thunder claps that shook you to the very core. Huge gusts of wind would churn through the valley, knocking over trees, ripping through fences, sweeping up anything that was loose or weakly attached to something. Rain would come in torrential waves, soaking the ground and filling up the washes in just a few minutes. It was truly an amazing spectacle to watch, and I loved it. I loved the action of the storm and the smell of the rain. Most of all, though, I loved the newness of the earth after the storm had ended. Everything felt clean and washed out. Some things looked forever changed. Nothing was left untouched by the storm.
I have to admit, in my own life I have been afraid of the storms. I have not looked for them with the same anticipation I looked for those Arizona monsoons; and I've asked myself why. Is it because walking through the storms in my life is that much scarier than riding out a ferocious display of natural occurrences? Or is it as basic as the fact physical storms allow us a tangible world to perceive and interact with while life storms are relegated to the world of the mind and heart, a world which is confusing and cannot be ever truly known? I don't know. I could philosophize about it, but the short answer is - I don't know.
Just as I don't know why I have been afraid of the storms in my life, I don't know why, exactly, the storm I am currently in has ceased to scare me. I could say it is a result of my life experiences or a result of my strong faith, but I have a hard time believing that is really the answer. What I do believe might be the answer, though, is I have come to realize the value of storms in life. In realizing that storms are valuable and can accomplish something good, I have come to see the effects of the storm in a different light.
The winds that are howling all around me remind me of the peace and calm I have received as a result of my relationship with Jesus Christ. The lightning and thunder are a constant depiction of the awesomeness and wonder of the Creator who not only created those things but orders each step of my life and has allowed this storm to overtake me. There are definitely things being destroyed and uprooted around me, but some of those things are long overdue for a good makeover. False ideologies, foolish ideas, shallow goals and ambitions, incorrect beliefs and perceptions are a few of the things I can see being uprooted and destroyed. The rain that is falling all around me is refreshing and brings with it the hope for cleansing and a new life.
I am not afraid of this storm; I am facing it head on and hoping that I will come out of it a new person, cleaned out and ready for another chance at life. I do not know what this storm will bring nor how much I will lose before it is over, but I know Him who walks with me through it, and I am confident that His love will continually cover me and He will guide me through. I cannot control the storm, but I can be thankful for it and be open to it.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Update on My Quest
Well, so far things have been going really well. That doesn't mean everything has been easy or perfect; it just means that I am progressing steadily and I'm very happy for the journey. So, here's a list of the things I've done on my quest --
New foods: So far I have tried at least 6 new foods. I had foie gras, pig heart, chicken pate, shrimp and grits, Colorado sea bass, and moussaka. The goal was one new food a week and it has been 5 weeks. That means I am doing better than my goal! Hooray! It's been so much fun to try things. I don't always like what I'm trying, but the adventure of putting unknown things in my mouth is exciting. Actually, most of what I have tried has been pretty good. I'm not big on the animal organs, but the pig heart was the easiest to down. The foie gras I had was not very good at all. It was so super fatty that it was almost slimy in my mouth. Yuck. The chicken pate was alright, but definitely not my favorite. The shrimp, bass, and moussaka were my favorites by far.
Along with all the new food I've been trying, I also had the opportunity to eat some amazing food in the past few weeks. A couple of weeks ago Mr. Darcy and I went on a road trip through the southwestern states. Once we hit New Mexico I was in food heaven. I filled up on as much good Mexican food as I could while I was there. The one bad food experience we had was attempting to eat Thai food in a small New Mexico town. That was definitely not a good experience. In our defense, the restaurant came highly recommended by a local person. I guess a good general rule of thumb, though, is to not eat Thai food in the middle of the New Mexico desert.
New adventures: I've had several firsts in the past 5 weeks as well. I went to my first soccer game of any kind. A friend of ours came to visit and the three of us went to a Colorado Rapids game. We had fantastic seats right behind the Rapids' team bench. I loved it! The game was so much fun to watch and it was great to experience the fan culture of professional soccer.
The next thing I did was go on a road trip with Mr. Darcy. We have driven a few places together, but never for more than 9 or 10 hours and never stopping along the way to see things. This was truly our first road trip together. We stopped in New Mexico and saw White Sands and then stopped in Las Cruces for some amazing Mexican food at La Posta on Cinco de Mayo. It was fabulous! We almost didn't want to leave.
The next place we headed was Arizona to visit my family and see several of our friends. It was fun to catch up with everyone and we got to meet my nephew for the first time. There wasn't much in the way of adventures in Tucson, but we will be back for that very soon.
Then we headed to Nevada to pick up our friend from the Las Vegas airport. After getting him we headed to the Valley of Fire. This place was amazing! The rock formations were so strange but beautiful. There is a section in the park that has rock formations with strips of colors in them. Our friend said their were some structures that look like bacon and we kept looking for the "bacon rock". Sadly, we couldn't see it from the road and weren't prepared to hike, so we left it for next time. While in the Valley of Fire we did a short hike to see what is referred to as Mouse's Tank. Along the trail you can see several petroglyphs left by the native peoples more than a hundred years ago. You can also see more of the amazing rock formations that the valley is known for. It was beautiful.
After we left Nevada, we headed for St. George Utah to spend 2 days in Zion National Park. The park was absolutely incredible. Everywhere you look there are breathtaking vistas. This one was taken from a lookout spot on one of our hikes.
We did a total of 3 hikes while we were there. The first one was Angels Landing, which was a super crazy one. I didn't think I could do it, but Mr. Darcy and our friend helped me. I was so scared, I didn't think I was going to make it to the top, but I did! I made it to the top and back down. Along the way people kept cheering me on and helping me when I needed it. I cried when I reached the bottom. I am horribly afraid of heights and I felt like I was going to die on that hike. Being able to complete it was truly an accomplishment for me. Here's a picture of the trail we took to the top.
The next day we hiked the narrows of the Virgin River. That was a grueling hikes as well, but not nearly as scary. The most hilarious part was when Mr. Darcy and our friend hurled me up onto a rock, much like you would throw a football. We were trying to avoid a section of the river that we feared would be to deep to wade in, and were picking out a trail through the rocks that line the river. I couldn't pull myself up onto this one massive boulder, so the guys helped me out, lol. I don't think I want to repeat that, but it was pretty funny. We returned home from Zion very sore and tired, but happy for the adventure. It was a great reset for heading back to work. Here's a picture of us in the Virgin River narrows.
I haven't had any real adventures in the past two weeks, so I suppose it's about time to get started on one. The summer is looking like a great opportunity to try new things and I am excited to see what will happen. It's funny, but I didn't realize how much growing I would do in the process of trying new things. I know the purpose was to grow, but I didn't realize how much I would grow. I feel like the past month has such a time of change and transitioning for me. There has been a lot of self reflecting and a lot of learning. I feel like I have matured some and I am on the path to maturing more. I'm much more focused, but I'm also much more open to possibilities and new things. So, perhaps this quest is turning out to be exactly what it was intended to be. That would be good, indeed. :)
New foods: So far I have tried at least 6 new foods. I had foie gras, pig heart, chicken pate, shrimp and grits, Colorado sea bass, and moussaka. The goal was one new food a week and it has been 5 weeks. That means I am doing better than my goal! Hooray! It's been so much fun to try things. I don't always like what I'm trying, but the adventure of putting unknown things in my mouth is exciting. Actually, most of what I have tried has been pretty good. I'm not big on the animal organs, but the pig heart was the easiest to down. The foie gras I had was not very good at all. It was so super fatty that it was almost slimy in my mouth. Yuck. The chicken pate was alright, but definitely not my favorite. The shrimp, bass, and moussaka were my favorites by far.
Along with all the new food I've been trying, I also had the opportunity to eat some amazing food in the past few weeks. A couple of weeks ago Mr. Darcy and I went on a road trip through the southwestern states. Once we hit New Mexico I was in food heaven. I filled up on as much good Mexican food as I could while I was there. The one bad food experience we had was attempting to eat Thai food in a small New Mexico town. That was definitely not a good experience. In our defense, the restaurant came highly recommended by a local person. I guess a good general rule of thumb, though, is to not eat Thai food in the middle of the New Mexico desert.
New adventures: I've had several firsts in the past 5 weeks as well. I went to my first soccer game of any kind. A friend of ours came to visit and the three of us went to a Colorado Rapids game. We had fantastic seats right behind the Rapids' team bench. I loved it! The game was so much fun to watch and it was great to experience the fan culture of professional soccer.
The next thing I did was go on a road trip with Mr. Darcy. We have driven a few places together, but never for more than 9 or 10 hours and never stopping along the way to see things. This was truly our first road trip together. We stopped in New Mexico and saw White Sands and then stopped in Las Cruces for some amazing Mexican food at La Posta on Cinco de Mayo. It was fabulous! We almost didn't want to leave.
The next place we headed was Arizona to visit my family and see several of our friends. It was fun to catch up with everyone and we got to meet my nephew for the first time. There wasn't much in the way of adventures in Tucson, but we will be back for that very soon.
Then we headed to Nevada to pick up our friend from the Las Vegas airport. After getting him we headed to the Valley of Fire. This place was amazing! The rock formations were so strange but beautiful. There is a section in the park that has rock formations with strips of colors in them. Our friend said their were some structures that look like bacon and we kept looking for the "bacon rock". Sadly, we couldn't see it from the road and weren't prepared to hike, so we left it for next time. While in the Valley of Fire we did a short hike to see what is referred to as Mouse's Tank. Along the trail you can see several petroglyphs left by the native peoples more than a hundred years ago. You can also see more of the amazing rock formations that the valley is known for. It was beautiful.
After we left Nevada, we headed for St. George Utah to spend 2 days in Zion National Park. The park was absolutely incredible. Everywhere you look there are breathtaking vistas. This one was taken from a lookout spot on one of our hikes.
We did a total of 3 hikes while we were there. The first one was Angels Landing, which was a super crazy one. I didn't think I could do it, but Mr. Darcy and our friend helped me. I was so scared, I didn't think I was going to make it to the top, but I did! I made it to the top and back down. Along the way people kept cheering me on and helping me when I needed it. I cried when I reached the bottom. I am horribly afraid of heights and I felt like I was going to die on that hike. Being able to complete it was truly an accomplishment for me. Here's a picture of the trail we took to the top.
The next day we hiked the narrows of the Virgin River. That was a grueling hikes as well, but not nearly as scary. The most hilarious part was when Mr. Darcy and our friend hurled me up onto a rock, much like you would throw a football. We were trying to avoid a section of the river that we feared would be to deep to wade in, and were picking out a trail through the rocks that line the river. I couldn't pull myself up onto this one massive boulder, so the guys helped me out, lol. I don't think I want to repeat that, but it was pretty funny. We returned home from Zion very sore and tired, but happy for the adventure. It was a great reset for heading back to work. Here's a picture of us in the Virgin River narrows.
I haven't had any real adventures in the past two weeks, so I suppose it's about time to get started on one. The summer is looking like a great opportunity to try new things and I am excited to see what will happen. It's funny, but I didn't realize how much growing I would do in the process of trying new things. I know the purpose was to grow, but I didn't realize how much I would grow. I feel like the past month has such a time of change and transitioning for me. There has been a lot of self reflecting and a lot of learning. I feel like I have matured some and I am on the path to maturing more. I'm much more focused, but I'm also much more open to possibilities and new things. So, perhaps this quest is turning out to be exactly what it was intended to be. That would be good, indeed. :)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
The Quest
As I mentioned in my last post, I have a new quest I am about to set out on. Along with that quest I have some goals I am aiming to accomplish which will help determine the success of my quest. There are really two large goals - 1. To learn how to care for myself and my things. 2. To learn how to be free. Wow, as I write those I am immediately impressed with the enormity of those goals. They're pretty huge, and I'm not even sure in the slightest how I am going to accomplish them, but then, that's what the quest is for. I don't know where this quest will lead me or what I will face on the journey, but I am hoping it will end with my accomplishing these two goals.
Now, I am a huge planner and I would love nothing more than to plan this quest out to the nth degree. However, that would only delay me in starting and would, in some ways, defeat the purpose of this quest. So, the first thing I will be doing is NO PLANNING. This will be a spontaneous quest. I will do this. I can do this. It will not end terribly just because I did not plan it. I will not die from not knowing what lies in front of me. I will be alright with not knowing or controlling how things turn out. There, my pep talk is done; now, let's move on.
While I will not plan this quest, what I will do is lay out some of the things I need to accomplish on this quest. They are as follows:
To learn how to care for myself and my things --
1. Develop a solid sense of self-worth in order to establish the importance of caring for myself.
2. Develop the habit of caring for my body and my health in general
3. Develop the habit of caring for my property
4. Maintaining clean living spaces on a regular basis
To learn how to be free --
1. Try one new activity every two weeks
2. Try one new food every week
3. Learn how to lose myself in something
4. Pay down debt (this is a huge one for me in being able to feel like I can be free)
5. Learn how to worry less and have more fun
I know some of these seem really general or vague, at least they do to me, but that's the best I can do for now. These are areas that I know will be hard for me on this quest but I am so tired of things being the same way. I need to change. I probably can't do all this on my own, so it's a really good thing I have a great Friend who will be with me along the way. He promised to never leave me or forsake me and I believe Him. Well, here I go. Wish me luck!!
Now, I am a huge planner and I would love nothing more than to plan this quest out to the nth degree. However, that would only delay me in starting and would, in some ways, defeat the purpose of this quest. So, the first thing I will be doing is NO PLANNING. This will be a spontaneous quest. I will do this. I can do this. It will not end terribly just because I did not plan it. I will not die from not knowing what lies in front of me. I will be alright with not knowing or controlling how things turn out. There, my pep talk is done; now, let's move on.
While I will not plan this quest, what I will do is lay out some of the things I need to accomplish on this quest. They are as follows:
To learn how to care for myself and my things --
1. Develop a solid sense of self-worth in order to establish the importance of caring for myself.
2. Develop the habit of caring for my body and my health in general
3. Develop the habit of caring for my property
4. Maintaining clean living spaces on a regular basis
To learn how to be free --
1. Try one new activity every two weeks
2. Try one new food every week
3. Learn how to lose myself in something
4. Pay down debt (this is a huge one for me in being able to feel like I can be free)
5. Learn how to worry less and have more fun
I know some of these seem really general or vague, at least they do to me, but that's the best I can do for now. These are areas that I know will be hard for me on this quest but I am so tired of things being the same way. I need to change. I probably can't do all this on my own, so it's a really good thing I have a great Friend who will be with me along the way. He promised to never leave me or forsake me and I believe Him. Well, here I go. Wish me luck!!
Wintry Ramblings
It's been winter outside my window for that past 3 days and I'm starting to tire of it. I know we desperately need the precipitation, so I'm not completely tired of it. However, I am really hoping the spring will arrive some time soon. As I type this, I am looking out my window at the drafts of snow that seem to never stop. We've had over a foot of snow in the past 2 days and it just keeps going. It's as though the winter was running late and is now rushing to complete itself before the warmth of the sun overtakes it. Hmm. That seems funny to me. I have a mental picture of a big blue cloud sweeping into town with puffs of powdery snow spewing from him while the sun can be seen in the background steadily moving forward. Hehe. Just a little taste of how my mind works.
Well, aside from the late winter, there's been lots of other goings on. Work has been very busy for me over the past two months and it's mostly been paperwork, phone calls, emails, and follow ups with clients. Unfortunately, I don't get paid for that stuff unless there is a client session to go along with it, and more often than naught these days, there has been no session. I love what I do and I'm really glad I can help with certain things; I just wish I got paid to do it. *Sigh* Maybe some day.
Mr. Darcy has been crazy busy starting a company of his own and there have been many ups and downs over the past few months. I really am so very proud of him and I think he will do really well if the company can ever get off the ground. It's a lot of work and very little pay-off in the short term, but we are hoping that it will pay off well in the long term.
Outside of work, life has been a bit crazy as well. Sometimes I don't know what to make of the waves of calm and craziness that seem to ebb and flow in life. For a few weeks, there is not much going on and the routine of life carries you through each day with the consistency of a properly wound grandfather clock. Then, your life is suddenly changed and everything is hectic. There is no routine, there is only survival and functioning. You get past the worst of it and the routine takes over again. It's kinda strange, but even this back and forth of order and chaos seems to have a regular pattern to it. I've come to expect it, and I don't mind it really. Honestly, I'm not sure I could survive without it. Which leads me to another thought. I've often asked myself why it is that I seem to always end up in stressful situations, almost as though I am drawn to them. Why is it that when everything is calm and uneventful, I feel uneasy and even stressed out? I've thought about this a lot, and at least one conclusion I've come to is perhaps for me, being stressed is normal. As such, when I am not stressed, it doesn't feel right. So, I seek out stressful situations in order to bring myself back into "balance". The trouble is, I'm pretty tired of being stressed. I'm pretty tired of living my life that way. I want to be able to relax and enjoy life. I'm sick of being uptight and serious. I guess what I'm really saying is, I'm sick of being the person I was trained to be. I so desperately desire to break out of this mold I have been poured into and just be free. But I don't know how to do that. So, I've made it my next quest - to be free. Wish me luck on my journey, for I will surely need it.
Well, aside from the late winter, there's been lots of other goings on. Work has been very busy for me over the past two months and it's mostly been paperwork, phone calls, emails, and follow ups with clients. Unfortunately, I don't get paid for that stuff unless there is a client session to go along with it, and more often than naught these days, there has been no session. I love what I do and I'm really glad I can help with certain things; I just wish I got paid to do it. *Sigh* Maybe some day.
Mr. Darcy has been crazy busy starting a company of his own and there have been many ups and downs over the past few months. I really am so very proud of him and I think he will do really well if the company can ever get off the ground. It's a lot of work and very little pay-off in the short term, but we are hoping that it will pay off well in the long term.
Outside of work, life has been a bit crazy as well. Sometimes I don't know what to make of the waves of calm and craziness that seem to ebb and flow in life. For a few weeks, there is not much going on and the routine of life carries you through each day with the consistency of a properly wound grandfather clock. Then, your life is suddenly changed and everything is hectic. There is no routine, there is only survival and functioning. You get past the worst of it and the routine takes over again. It's kinda strange, but even this back and forth of order and chaos seems to have a regular pattern to it. I've come to expect it, and I don't mind it really. Honestly, I'm not sure I could survive without it. Which leads me to another thought. I've often asked myself why it is that I seem to always end up in stressful situations, almost as though I am drawn to them. Why is it that when everything is calm and uneventful, I feel uneasy and even stressed out? I've thought about this a lot, and at least one conclusion I've come to is perhaps for me, being stressed is normal. As such, when I am not stressed, it doesn't feel right. So, I seek out stressful situations in order to bring myself back into "balance". The trouble is, I'm pretty tired of being stressed. I'm pretty tired of living my life that way. I want to be able to relax and enjoy life. I'm sick of being uptight and serious. I guess what I'm really saying is, I'm sick of being the person I was trained to be. I so desperately desire to break out of this mold I have been poured into and just be free. But I don't know how to do that. So, I've made it my next quest - to be free. Wish me luck on my journey, for I will surely need it.
Monday, March 18, 2013
RSS Feed
I went to check my email this morning and to my surprise noticed that my RSS feed had exploded with 14 "new" posts from my blog. You might be thinking, "Wow, you have been busy in the past 24 hours." There's just one problem. I haven't posted anything since last week. Being curious as to what this all meant, I checked the feed to see what these new posts were. All of them were more than a year old. "Hmm," I thought. "Maybe someone commented or posted something on them that caused the feed to read them as new." I checked my comments and posts and there was nothing new.
I was thinking this was really strange and mentioned it to Mr. Darcy to see if he could make sense of it and he informed me that it happened to his feed too. *Sigh* Technology acting up is no fun. After a quick Google search to try and figure out what was going on, I found some info on a forum about RSS feeds. Most of what was posted made absolutely no sense to me and the instructions I tired to follow didn't jive with the settings layout of my blog. I've decided the best thing to do is just leave it alone and see what it does in the next week. In the meantime, I needed to mark all the "new" posts as read so my feed would stop looking like it had taken a hefty dose of steroids.
As I sifted through the 15 posts that had shown up in my feed, I was struck by all the things I have experienced in the past 2-3 years. It was also quite amazing to see the progression I had made in certain areas during that time period. Sometimes we forget where we came from and how we arrived at certain point. It becomes so familiar to be here that it feels as though we have always been there. Of course, we have not "always" been there, and seeing that journey played out for us again is quite amazing.
Reading old posts always brings up a lot of emotions and remembrances for me. This time was no different. What was different, however, was my ability to be objective and healthily detached from what I was reading. That very rarely occurs for me, and I think it is an indication of how much I have healed, how far I have come, in this crazy journey called life. It's strange to me that an RSS feed problem would end up reminding me of hurts, growth, and triumph in my own life, but there it is. I'm sorry for those of you who may have experienced trouble from my feed as well. However, I'm not all that sad that I had to deal with it this morning. It was a refreshing way to start the day.
I was thinking this was really strange and mentioned it to Mr. Darcy to see if he could make sense of it and he informed me that it happened to his feed too. *Sigh* Technology acting up is no fun. After a quick Google search to try and figure out what was going on, I found some info on a forum about RSS feeds. Most of what was posted made absolutely no sense to me and the instructions I tired to follow didn't jive with the settings layout of my blog. I've decided the best thing to do is just leave it alone and see what it does in the next week. In the meantime, I needed to mark all the "new" posts as read so my feed would stop looking like it had taken a hefty dose of steroids.
As I sifted through the 15 posts that had shown up in my feed, I was struck by all the things I have experienced in the past 2-3 years. It was also quite amazing to see the progression I had made in certain areas during that time period. Sometimes we forget where we came from and how we arrived at certain point. It becomes so familiar to be here that it feels as though we have always been there. Of course, we have not "always" been there, and seeing that journey played out for us again is quite amazing.
Reading old posts always brings up a lot of emotions and remembrances for me. This time was no different. What was different, however, was my ability to be objective and healthily detached from what I was reading. That very rarely occurs for me, and I think it is an indication of how much I have healed, how far I have come, in this crazy journey called life. It's strange to me that an RSS feed problem would end up reminding me of hurts, growth, and triumph in my own life, but there it is. I'm sorry for those of you who may have experienced trouble from my feed as well. However, I'm not all that sad that I had to deal with it this morning. It was a refreshing way to start the day.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Seasons
I am sitting on my couch this morning looking out my window at the beautiful Colorado scenery. We had a snow storm yesterday that dropped about 8 inches of snow on us, but today, there's nothing but clear blue skies and a brilliant spring sun. That might sound rather strange to some of you, but March is statistically our snowiest month here in Colorado. So, although the calendar says spring is almost here, the weather does not always agree. Our April showers are usually snow showers. I like it though. It took me some getting used to when I first moved here. Now, I look forward to the spring snow showers that alternate with warm sunny days.
It's also the start of Daylight Savings today. That means we lost an hour overnight and we had to set our clocks forward. That's something else I've had to get used to since moving here. In Arizona we don't observe DST. I never had to reset my clock or remember when we were springing forward or falling back. It's taken me some time to adjust to doing it. I still sometimes forget. Thankfully, my husband has lived with DST almost his entire life and he helps me remember when we need to reset the clocks.
As I sit here and reflect on the changing seasons that bring differences in weather and differences in time, I realize how much of my life is very similar. There are seasons I experience and changes in time and weather that go along with it. I am not now what I once was, nor is the time I am living in anything like the times I have lived in. There are new experiences waiting for me, new challenges to face, new joys to thrill me, and new memories to make. For a person like me who gets bored rather quickly with monotony, that is an exciting thought. To view life, not as an endless stream of mundane routines you perform day in and day out, but as a series of cycles that continuously changes is much more invigorating, I think. Life is not one long winter with sorrows and griefs, nor is it one long summer with endless joys and mirth. It is an ebb and flow of winter, spring, summer, and fall, with each season being different from the last and different even from it's prior occurrence. With each new season there is a new opportunity to learn and grow and enjoy life in a varied way. I am thankful for those seasons. I hope I get to experience more of them.
It's also the start of Daylight Savings today. That means we lost an hour overnight and we had to set our clocks forward. That's something else I've had to get used to since moving here. In Arizona we don't observe DST. I never had to reset my clock or remember when we were springing forward or falling back. It's taken me some time to adjust to doing it. I still sometimes forget. Thankfully, my husband has lived with DST almost his entire life and he helps me remember when we need to reset the clocks.
As I sit here and reflect on the changing seasons that bring differences in weather and differences in time, I realize how much of my life is very similar. There are seasons I experience and changes in time and weather that go along with it. I am not now what I once was, nor is the time I am living in anything like the times I have lived in. There are new experiences waiting for me, new challenges to face, new joys to thrill me, and new memories to make. For a person like me who gets bored rather quickly with monotony, that is an exciting thought. To view life, not as an endless stream of mundane routines you perform day in and day out, but as a series of cycles that continuously changes is much more invigorating, I think. Life is not one long winter with sorrows and griefs, nor is it one long summer with endless joys and mirth. It is an ebb and flow of winter, spring, summer, and fall, with each season being different from the last and different even from it's prior occurrence. With each new season there is a new opportunity to learn and grow and enjoy life in a varied way. I am thankful for those seasons. I hope I get to experience more of them.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
This and That
Forgive me for not blogging in over a week. Work has been so busy and I have been slammed with paperwork. It seems as though the paperwork might never end. :/ Sometimes I feel like more than half my job as a therapist is spent doing paperwork, which seems crazy to me. There is some form to fill out or report to write up for just about everything you do in the therapy room. Imagine at least 2 pieces of paperwork for every client you see, and then multiply that by the 40 or so clients I see every week, and you have a mini hill for just one week. Should it happen, as it usually does, that you only complete a portion of that mini hill, that leaves it for the next week. Now, imagine it has been several weeks of mini hills and mini hill leftovers and you have a pretty good picture of my life right now. *Sigh*
On the bright side, I have been doing better about putting all my work aside and getting other things done; things like making dinner for my husband, running laundry, and getting things done around the house. That's been really good and I am very happy with my success in that area. Now, if only I could be as productive with my paperwork at my job.
So, as you can see from my above post, my life has been uber busy and I have not had much time to just sit down and blog. There has been plenty to write about and my thoughts have not ceased just because my fingers have not found the keyboard. Unfortunately, as per the norm when I have been really busy, now that I am taking a moment to stop and write, I have no desire to catch up on everything I have wanted to write about. However, I do have something interesting to post for your reading enjoyment - a story from my last session of the day this past Friday.
I was coloring with a young girl using dry erase markers on a whiteboard. She decided she wanted to make a duck. After digging around in the marker bin for a while, she finally found a yellow that she felt would work. She drew a funny shape with a squarish head, a curved back, and a rounded then squared-off tail. This, she informed me, was her duck. She then proceeded to draw two eyes and a beak that really wanted to be a triangle but ended up being a twisted rectangle. Now it gets interesting. Once her duck had a body and a face, she then pulled a dark red marker from the bin and said, " I am going to draw his heart. He has a broken heart." With that she drew a heart shape in the duck's chest and then drew several lines through it to illustrate its brokenness. "Now," she said, picking out another red marker, "Here is the blood from the duck's broken heart," and she drew two red lines down the front of the duck. About half-way through the first line, she stopped and declared that the marker she was using was not red, but pink, and she really needed a red marker in order to properly draw the duck's blood. Despite my shock at the gruesome picture appearing before me, I found her another red marker to use and she proceeded with her blood drawing. The bloody part of the duck done, she then chose an orange marker to draw the feet - two "L" shaped blocks at the bottom of the body.
She sat back to observe her work. She looked pretty satisfied. "OH!" She said suddenly. "I forgot to draw the baby duck." She then picked out a purple marker and drew a smaller version of her duck body inside the larger duck's body space. She gave this baby duck eyes and a beak and then added four lines at the bottom of the baby duck. Again, she leaned back to survey her work. "Hmm, that baby duck looks like uh octopus. . . but it's not; it's a baby duck." With that she put her markers away and our session was done.
On the bright side, I have been doing better about putting all my work aside and getting other things done; things like making dinner for my husband, running laundry, and getting things done around the house. That's been really good and I am very happy with my success in that area. Now, if only I could be as productive with my paperwork at my job.
So, as you can see from my above post, my life has been uber busy and I have not had much time to just sit down and blog. There has been plenty to write about and my thoughts have not ceased just because my fingers have not found the keyboard. Unfortunately, as per the norm when I have been really busy, now that I am taking a moment to stop and write, I have no desire to catch up on everything I have wanted to write about. However, I do have something interesting to post for your reading enjoyment - a story from my last session of the day this past Friday.
I was coloring with a young girl using dry erase markers on a whiteboard. She decided she wanted to make a duck. After digging around in the marker bin for a while, she finally found a yellow that she felt would work. She drew a funny shape with a squarish head, a curved back, and a rounded then squared-off tail. This, she informed me, was her duck. She then proceeded to draw two eyes and a beak that really wanted to be a triangle but ended up being a twisted rectangle. Now it gets interesting. Once her duck had a body and a face, she then pulled a dark red marker from the bin and said, " I am going to draw his heart. He has a broken heart." With that she drew a heart shape in the duck's chest and then drew several lines through it to illustrate its brokenness. "Now," she said, picking out another red marker, "Here is the blood from the duck's broken heart," and she drew two red lines down the front of the duck. About half-way through the first line, she stopped and declared that the marker she was using was not red, but pink, and she really needed a red marker in order to properly draw the duck's blood. Despite my shock at the gruesome picture appearing before me, I found her another red marker to use and she proceeded with her blood drawing. The bloody part of the duck done, she then chose an orange marker to draw the feet - two "L" shaped blocks at the bottom of the body.
She sat back to observe her work. She looked pretty satisfied. "OH!" She said suddenly. "I forgot to draw the baby duck." She then picked out a purple marker and drew a smaller version of her duck body inside the larger duck's body space. She gave this baby duck eyes and a beak and then added four lines at the bottom of the baby duck. Again, she leaned back to survey her work. "Hmm, that baby duck looks like uh octopus. . . but it's not; it's a baby duck." With that she put her markers away and our session was done.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Goodbye, Mr. Monk
I feel like a complete fool saying this, but, the series finale of Monk made me cry. There are very few movies, TV shows, or books that have that effects on me, but for some reason the producers, directors and actors of the series Monk were able to pull it off. I'm sure you're probably wondering why I am writing about this now, some 3 to 4 years after the show ended. Well, I was never able to watch the entire series when it was on. I would catch episodes here and there when a network decided to air reruns, or I would happen to sit down and watch TV on the regularly scheduled night for the show to air. In all, I think saw fewer than 20 of the 125 episodes the show had, and I never saw any of the final season.
Mr. Darcy and I can't afford cable and our TV gets only one local channel with any sort of consistency. So, we decided last year to buy Netflix and use that as our entertainment. When I realized several months ago that they had all 8 seasons of Monk, I began slowly making my way through each episode. Honestly, it is some of the best TV I have ever watched. The character development and human behaviors they explore were fascinating and hilarious. I work with a lot of people who share characteristics with the show's main character, Mr. Monk, and it's so funny to see some of the behaviors and their results played out on a screen.
I knew I was getting close to the end of the series over the past few weeks and I had been anticipating the season/series finale for a while. As I got closer and closer, the anticipation kept growing and I was so excited to watch the final 2 episodes. The story line wasn't all that incredible, but the acting and the feel of the show was. By the end of it I was tearing up and trying really hard not to outright bawl. As I sat there watching the end, listening to the absolutely perfect song they played, I realized that in so many ways I identified with this show, with the stories and the characters, the struggles and the triumphs. Then I realized that I am going to miss it. I'm going to miss the feelings it gave me and the laughter it brought. I'm going to miss cheering for Mr. Monk and cringing in shock and horror and some of his antics. Of course, I can always watch reruns, but it's not the same. I know that shows can't last forever, but this is one I am really sad couldn't. My hat is off to every cast and crew member of this show. Thank you for helping me create enjoyable, fun memories. :)
Mr. Darcy and I can't afford cable and our TV gets only one local channel with any sort of consistency. So, we decided last year to buy Netflix and use that as our entertainment. When I realized several months ago that they had all 8 seasons of Monk, I began slowly making my way through each episode. Honestly, it is some of the best TV I have ever watched. The character development and human behaviors they explore were fascinating and hilarious. I work with a lot of people who share characteristics with the show's main character, Mr. Monk, and it's so funny to see some of the behaviors and their results played out on a screen.
I knew I was getting close to the end of the series over the past few weeks and I had been anticipating the season/series finale for a while. As I got closer and closer, the anticipation kept growing and I was so excited to watch the final 2 episodes. The story line wasn't all that incredible, but the acting and the feel of the show was. By the end of it I was tearing up and trying really hard not to outright bawl. As I sat there watching the end, listening to the absolutely perfect song they played, I realized that in so many ways I identified with this show, with the stories and the characters, the struggles and the triumphs. Then I realized that I am going to miss it. I'm going to miss the feelings it gave me and the laughter it brought. I'm going to miss cheering for Mr. Monk and cringing in shock and horror and some of his antics. Of course, I can always watch reruns, but it's not the same. I know that shows can't last forever, but this is one I am really sad couldn't. My hat is off to every cast and crew member of this show. Thank you for helping me create enjoyable, fun memories. :)
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
The Chocolate Crockpot Cake Disaster
Those that know me know that chocolate is very near and dear to my heart. They also know that baked goods are a vice of mine and if you ask me, I cannot live without them. Now, that doesn't mean I eat them every day all day, but I usually can't go more than 2 weeks without some sort of baked treat, usually with chocolate in it. Well, it's been at least 2 weeks since I had any really good baked treats and I have been craving chocolate badly. It would seem this would be a simple thing to fix. I have all the ingredients to make myself something and I had some time the past couple of days to so. The problem? The glass on my oven door exploded into a million pieces about 4 weeks ago and I don't have the money to fix it right now. No problem, I have other ways to cook things, or so I thought. When my oven door broke, I started looking up ways to cook without an oven. I found oodles of yummy looking recipes for toaster ovens and crockpots and thought, "Surely I can make this work. "
For the past few weeks I have used both my crockpot and my toaster oven to make a few things, albeit they were very simple things, and so far it's worked great. Enter my craving for chocolate baked goodies this weekend, and that's when the trouble started. I thought I would just make cupcakes in my toaster oven, but I didn't have any pans small enough to fit in it (it's a small cheap one). Then I remembered I had seen several recipes for crockpot chocolate cake. Everyone kept saying how easy it was and how wonderful the cake had turned out. This sounded like the answer to my predicament. So, last night I gathered all the ingredients for my cake and set to work mixing and putting the batter on to bake.
Now we hit the disaster part of the story. None of the recipes said that I had to leave the lid on my crockpot in order for the cake to cook faster. I had left the lid off because it still smelled of my last crockpot dish, an italian sausage cabbage stew. I don't know about you, but I'm not really a fan of cabbage and chocolate together and I didn't want my cake to taste like cabbabe stew. So, I left the lid off and figured it wouldn't really matter all that much. I was wrong. After 3.5 hours of cooking on 'high', the cake was still a puddle of chocolatey goo. Hmm, perhaps I should have put the lid on. I found a plate that would fit over the top of my crockpot and used it as a lid. After another hour and a half the cake was pretty much done, but it still had some wet spots. By this time it was 11:30 and I was exhausted. I figured I could unplug the crockpot but leave the lid on and the cake would finish cooking without burning.
When I woke up this morning I went to check on my cake experiment. The cake was done baking but it was extremely tough to cut. I managed to saw a piece out and could tell right away that it was very dense and not quite right. Overall, it tasted like a very heavy cake brownie that was chalky on the outer edge but almost gooey in the middle. The middle part wasn't so bad, but the other two thirds you would have to eat through to get to it was terrible. *Sigh* I had ruined my cake. I guess maybe it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Pros - I learned something new. Cons - I still have not satisfied my craving for chocolate baked goods.
I have no idea what specific thing I did wrong that made my cake such a disaster, but I'm guessing it probably isn't one specific thing and rather a myriad of things. Perhaps it was the fact that I made the cake from scratch instead of using a box mix, as so many of the recipes suggested. Perhaps it's that I used sifted flour for breads rather than the all-purpose flour the recipe called for. Perhaps it's because I combined two recipes in order to use what was in my pantry rather than have to go to the store to buy something. Perhaps it was the lid fiasco. Perhaps it was the overnight baking. See what I mean? There are way too many possibilites to choose from. Oh well. At least I know where to start next time, if I can find the courage to try a next time.
For the past few weeks I have used both my crockpot and my toaster oven to make a few things, albeit they were very simple things, and so far it's worked great. Enter my craving for chocolate baked goodies this weekend, and that's when the trouble started. I thought I would just make cupcakes in my toaster oven, but I didn't have any pans small enough to fit in it (it's a small cheap one). Then I remembered I had seen several recipes for crockpot chocolate cake. Everyone kept saying how easy it was and how wonderful the cake had turned out. This sounded like the answer to my predicament. So, last night I gathered all the ingredients for my cake and set to work mixing and putting the batter on to bake.
Now we hit the disaster part of the story. None of the recipes said that I had to leave the lid on my crockpot in order for the cake to cook faster. I had left the lid off because it still smelled of my last crockpot dish, an italian sausage cabbage stew. I don't know about you, but I'm not really a fan of cabbage and chocolate together and I didn't want my cake to taste like cabbabe stew. So, I left the lid off and figured it wouldn't really matter all that much. I was wrong. After 3.5 hours of cooking on 'high', the cake was still a puddle of chocolatey goo. Hmm, perhaps I should have put the lid on. I found a plate that would fit over the top of my crockpot and used it as a lid. After another hour and a half the cake was pretty much done, but it still had some wet spots. By this time it was 11:30 and I was exhausted. I figured I could unplug the crockpot but leave the lid on and the cake would finish cooking without burning.
When I woke up this morning I went to check on my cake experiment. The cake was done baking but it was extremely tough to cut. I managed to saw a piece out and could tell right away that it was very dense and not quite right. Overall, it tasted like a very heavy cake brownie that was chalky on the outer edge but almost gooey in the middle. The middle part wasn't so bad, but the other two thirds you would have to eat through to get to it was terrible. *Sigh* I had ruined my cake. I guess maybe it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Pros - I learned something new. Cons - I still have not satisfied my craving for chocolate baked goods.
I have no idea what specific thing I did wrong that made my cake such a disaster, but I'm guessing it probably isn't one specific thing and rather a myriad of things. Perhaps it was the fact that I made the cake from scratch instead of using a box mix, as so many of the recipes suggested. Perhaps it's that I used sifted flour for breads rather than the all-purpose flour the recipe called for. Perhaps it's because I combined two recipes in order to use what was in my pantry rather than have to go to the store to buy something. Perhaps it was the lid fiasco. Perhaps it was the overnight baking. See what I mean? There are way too many possibilites to choose from. Oh well. At least I know where to start next time, if I can find the courage to try a next time.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
The Next Big Thing
It's Saturday morning and I am finally enjoying a little bit of down time. As per the usual, my down time results in me thinking up an hundred and one grand ideas but very little energy or motivation to get them done. However, it's not all bad. Usually one or two of my grand ideas manages to hang on and I do end up working on something. My question this time is, what's the next big thing for me? What area of my life do I focus on so that I can make a big difference in that area? Over the past year I have found it very difficult to juggle all the things I am working on, all the roles in life I am trying to play, but recently, I feel like that has started to change. I am starting to become more comfortable with my work and get into a routine there that allows me to meet my obligations and do my job well. I am becoming more intentional about taking care of myself and managing my health. I have somewhat of a handle, albeit a small one, on maintaining my house and taking care of providing good food for me and my husband. There is still a TON of work for me to do, but I feel as though I am finally starting to get the hang of it.
So, what does that mean for my grand ideas? Well, I don't know. What I do know is that I work best when I have a project I am working on or I have a specific goal I am trying to attain. I guess that's where my grand ideas come in. Those grand ideas keep me going, they keep me moving and motivated to do more. When I don't have any grand ideas, or things I am working on, I fall into being lazy and even depressed. Working is good for me and working toward something that excites me is even better. Grand ideas are a good thing.
That all being said, which of my grand ideas should I focus on next? I don't have an answer for that question right now, but I do have an idea that will help me decide. I've decided that the next thing I work on should be something I can blog about. This blog helps me think through things and motivates me to do things, so it would act as a great support in helping me complete my next big scheme. As for which scheme I should start next, here are a few of the ideas I have:
Trying new recipes each week that are healthy and budget friendly that I can also complete with my busy schedule
Organizing my house and trying new ways to streamline the process of home maintenance.
Writing movie, music and books reviews as an outlet to express myself
Writing about health trends and products that I have used or found useful
Resuming writing my book and making some good progress
These are all ideas that will take a lot of work on my part, yet I really would like to complete all of them. However, I know that I can only tackle them one at a time. That means I need to pick just one and focus on that. Perhaps it should be the most pressing one or maybe the most exciting one. I don't know. Let me get back to you on that. In the meantime, if you have any preferences as to which idea you would like to see me posting about here on the blog, leave me a comment and let me know. I would love the feedback!
So, what does that mean for my grand ideas? Well, I don't know. What I do know is that I work best when I have a project I am working on or I have a specific goal I am trying to attain. I guess that's where my grand ideas come in. Those grand ideas keep me going, they keep me moving and motivated to do more. When I don't have any grand ideas, or things I am working on, I fall into being lazy and even depressed. Working is good for me and working toward something that excites me is even better. Grand ideas are a good thing.
That all being said, which of my grand ideas should I focus on next? I don't have an answer for that question right now, but I do have an idea that will help me decide. I've decided that the next thing I work on should be something I can blog about. This blog helps me think through things and motivates me to do things, so it would act as a great support in helping me complete my next big scheme. As for which scheme I should start next, here are a few of the ideas I have:
Trying new recipes each week that are healthy and budget friendly that I can also complete with my busy schedule
Organizing my house and trying new ways to streamline the process of home maintenance.
Writing movie, music and books reviews as an outlet to express myself
Writing about health trends and products that I have used or found useful
Resuming writing my book and making some good progress
These are all ideas that will take a lot of work on my part, yet I really would like to complete all of them. However, I know that I can only tackle them one at a time. That means I need to pick just one and focus on that. Perhaps it should be the most pressing one or maybe the most exciting one. I don't know. Let me get back to you on that. In the meantime, if you have any preferences as to which idea you would like to see me posting about here on the blog, leave me a comment and let me know. I would love the feedback!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Contradictions and An Apology
I've been reading through some of the old posts on my blog, and in doing so, I've noticed several things. First, writing in one giant block of text is really not a good idea. It makes it very difficult to read. My apologies to any of you who have read or will read those posts. Second, if you read through my blog from start to finish, you may notice some contradictions in things I said earlier versus things I've written more recently. So, let me attempt to clarify those contradictions.
Over the years I have had this blog, my thought processes, my knowledge bank, and my experiences have changed. As a result, some of my beliefs and ideas about things have changed. I think that's a good thing. Growth indicates that something is not now what it once was. I like to think that since starting this blog I have grown. As I have gone back and viewed some of the things I wrote, I find that I disagree with myself on certain viewpoints I had 5 or 6 years ago. In particular, some of my views on dating and determining what a Godly life look like are very different. I am not nearly as rigid about these things as I used to be. Again, I view this as an indication of growth in my life. My desire for this blog was to always be open and honest about what I was thinking or feeling and to put things out there for people to discuss. In that spirit, I have decided not to remove or edit any of the posts that have content in them that could be considered as contradictory to my current views and beliefs. I have no wish to hide what I once was. Rather, I welcome the opportunity to be reminded of the growth and grace that has followed me on this journey.
In addition to wanting to clear up some things about my blog as a whole, I have something I want to say. Reviewing my past posts has caused me to remember quite a few things, to relive moments and feelings. That has led me to feel a need to extend an apology to a certain group of people. There are those who knew me and were an intimate part of my past life who were the recipients of many harsh words and judgmental thoughts from me. To that group of people in particular I wish to say this:
I am so very sorry for the words and actions I am responsible for that hurt or wounded you in any way. I am sorry for the judgments I passed and for the missed opportunities to truly know you and love you. I am sorry for the times I allowed legalism and an ungodly spirituality to control me and use me to hurt you and others around me. I am sorry that I was not able to stand up for the weak and the oppressed among us, sorry that I allowed pride and arrogance to rule me rather than mercy and grace. I am sorry for my part in continuing the work of an organization that abuses people and seeks to remove Jesus from His rightful place in people's lives. I am sorry that I allowed feelings of spiritual elitism and self righteousness to fill me up and cause me to do harm to those around me. If I have abused you, lied to you, harmed you, disrespected you, or mistreated you in any way, I am truly and deeply sorry and I ask for your forgiveness.
This is a bit of a somber post, I know, but it needed to be written.
Over the years I have had this blog, my thought processes, my knowledge bank, and my experiences have changed. As a result, some of my beliefs and ideas about things have changed. I think that's a good thing. Growth indicates that something is not now what it once was. I like to think that since starting this blog I have grown. As I have gone back and viewed some of the things I wrote, I find that I disagree with myself on certain viewpoints I had 5 or 6 years ago. In particular, some of my views on dating and determining what a Godly life look like are very different. I am not nearly as rigid about these things as I used to be. Again, I view this as an indication of growth in my life. My desire for this blog was to always be open and honest about what I was thinking or feeling and to put things out there for people to discuss. In that spirit, I have decided not to remove or edit any of the posts that have content in them that could be considered as contradictory to my current views and beliefs. I have no wish to hide what I once was. Rather, I welcome the opportunity to be reminded of the growth and grace that has followed me on this journey.
In addition to wanting to clear up some things about my blog as a whole, I have something I want to say. Reviewing my past posts has caused me to remember quite a few things, to relive moments and feelings. That has led me to feel a need to extend an apology to a certain group of people. There are those who knew me and were an intimate part of my past life who were the recipients of many harsh words and judgmental thoughts from me. To that group of people in particular I wish to say this:
I am so very sorry for the words and actions I am responsible for that hurt or wounded you in any way. I am sorry for the judgments I passed and for the missed opportunities to truly know you and love you. I am sorry for the times I allowed legalism and an ungodly spirituality to control me and use me to hurt you and others around me. I am sorry that I was not able to stand up for the weak and the oppressed among us, sorry that I allowed pride and arrogance to rule me rather than mercy and grace. I am sorry for my part in continuing the work of an organization that abuses people and seeks to remove Jesus from His rightful place in people's lives. I am sorry that I allowed feelings of spiritual elitism and self righteousness to fill me up and cause me to do harm to those around me. If I have abused you, lied to you, harmed you, disrespected you, or mistreated you in any way, I am truly and deeply sorry and I ask for your forgiveness.
This is a bit of a somber post, I know, but it needed to be written.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Would I Change It If I Could?
Would I change it if I could?
The tears I've cried, the hurts I've felt
All the pain and constant fears
The scars I wear and always will
Would I change it if I could?
The haunting memories good and bad
Thoughts that swirl and fill my head
Feelings I can't or won't escape
Questions I have and always will
Would I change it if I could?
The times and experiences I've had
The things I've seen, the ways I've felt
The roads not taken, opportunities lost
The journeys I've had and those yet to be
Would I change it if I could?
The perspectives I've lost or gained
The strengths that I've found along the way
The lessons I've learned and those I've forgotten
The changes I've made and those I will make
Would I change it if I could?
I once thought I knew, but now I wonder.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Fourteen Days of Love
Most people that know me well know that I am absolutely crazy about Valentine's Day. Growing up, Valentine's Day was like Christmas for me. Everyone exchanged little gifts and the day was filled with good feelings and expressions of love. Being a person who craves loves in any and every form, the day seemed perfect for me. That being said, I spent many Valentine's Days feeling sad and depressed. It seemed on far too many occasions that my love was never quite reciprocated and I was left feeling lonely and unlovable.
Somehow, that all changed for me several years ago, and I began celebrating Valentine's Day as an opportunity to express the love and appreciation I had for others. I like to think that I began celebrating the true spirit of Valentine's Day. I wrote letters to my best friends and loved ones that mimicked the famous letters of Saint Valentine, and I would giddy with excitement planning new ways to express my love for those closest to me.
I am still like that today. While I don't write nearly as many letters as I used to or spend quite as much money as I used to, I still love Valentine's Day and look forward to it as a day to honor and appreciate all those people I am blessed to have as a part of my life. This year, is no different. I started anticipating Valentine's Day in January, started planning what I would do and how it would all happen. I was stoked!
Then, some things happened that led me to ponder how I was going to celebrate Valentine's Day at all, much less do it in a great way. In my pondering I stumbled across a really great idea someone else had posted on a blog. Why not use all 14 days leading to the day to celebrate those you love, and why not do it in simple ways? Don't make the day about spending money buying extravagant gifts; make it about expressing your love in ways that really count. So began my journey of 14 Days of Love.
Now, I have a lot of people in my life that I really love, but this journey was an experiment and I get easily overwhelmed. So, I picked one person to focus on this year, and if all goes well, maybe there will be more next year. The person I picked was, of course, my own Mr. Darcy. Outside of my commitment to God, my husband comes first in my life. In addition, while most people may not know this, my husband is going through some of the most difficult times in his life. His day-to-day life is grueling and pretty much thankless at this point. He gives of himself constantly and asks for little to nothing in return. Because of his crazy busy schedule, we don't get to see each other much, which means supporting him in his hard work is that much more difficult for me to do; but this new challenge, this experiment was the perfect way for me to do more.
Starting on February 1st, I have found ways, big and small, to let my husband know how much I love him, how much he means to me. So far, there hasn't been anything extravagant, except maybe for breakfast in bed last Saturday, and I haven't spent an extra dime (mostly because I don't have any extras ;) ) on expressing my love to him. Everything I have done has been simple and mostly done myself (e-cards excepted). We are 5 days in and I can tell you that the joy and happiness I see on Mr. Darcy's face, the love I hear in his voice, are worth every bit of scheming, planning, and self-sacrifice it has taken to implement this plan. Now that I only have 9 nine days left, I find myself sorry that I don't have more. What a wonderful opportunity to love on my husband! I think I'm more excited than he is to see what the next 9 days hold!
I'm sure there are those of you reading this are wondering how any of this applies to you or should be interesting in the slightest to you. Well, here's something for you to think about. How much would you change the life of someone around you if you took 14 days, 10, days, 5 days, whatever, to express to them how much they mean to you? How much would you change your life by giving of yourself to love on someone else? I can't answer those questions for you, but I can say there would most definitely be a change, and it would be a change for the better. I know it has been for me.
Somehow, that all changed for me several years ago, and I began celebrating Valentine's Day as an opportunity to express the love and appreciation I had for others. I like to think that I began celebrating the true spirit of Valentine's Day. I wrote letters to my best friends and loved ones that mimicked the famous letters of Saint Valentine, and I would giddy with excitement planning new ways to express my love for those closest to me.
I am still like that today. While I don't write nearly as many letters as I used to or spend quite as much money as I used to, I still love Valentine's Day and look forward to it as a day to honor and appreciate all those people I am blessed to have as a part of my life. This year, is no different. I started anticipating Valentine's Day in January, started planning what I would do and how it would all happen. I was stoked!
Then, some things happened that led me to ponder how I was going to celebrate Valentine's Day at all, much less do it in a great way. In my pondering I stumbled across a really great idea someone else had posted on a blog. Why not use all 14 days leading to the day to celebrate those you love, and why not do it in simple ways? Don't make the day about spending money buying extravagant gifts; make it about expressing your love in ways that really count. So began my journey of 14 Days of Love.
Now, I have a lot of people in my life that I really love, but this journey was an experiment and I get easily overwhelmed. So, I picked one person to focus on this year, and if all goes well, maybe there will be more next year. The person I picked was, of course, my own Mr. Darcy. Outside of my commitment to God, my husband comes first in my life. In addition, while most people may not know this, my husband is going through some of the most difficult times in his life. His day-to-day life is grueling and pretty much thankless at this point. He gives of himself constantly and asks for little to nothing in return. Because of his crazy busy schedule, we don't get to see each other much, which means supporting him in his hard work is that much more difficult for me to do; but this new challenge, this experiment was the perfect way for me to do more.
Starting on February 1st, I have found ways, big and small, to let my husband know how much I love him, how much he means to me. So far, there hasn't been anything extravagant, except maybe for breakfast in bed last Saturday, and I haven't spent an extra dime (mostly because I don't have any extras ;) ) on expressing my love to him. Everything I have done has been simple and mostly done myself (e-cards excepted). We are 5 days in and I can tell you that the joy and happiness I see on Mr. Darcy's face, the love I hear in his voice, are worth every bit of scheming, planning, and self-sacrifice it has taken to implement this plan. Now that I only have 9 nine days left, I find myself sorry that I don't have more. What a wonderful opportunity to love on my husband! I think I'm more excited than he is to see what the next 9 days hold!
I'm sure there are those of you reading this are wondering how any of this applies to you or should be interesting in the slightest to you. Well, here's something for you to think about. How much would you change the life of someone around you if you took 14 days, 10, days, 5 days, whatever, to express to them how much they mean to you? How much would you change your life by giving of yourself to love on someone else? I can't answer those questions for you, but I can say there would most definitely be a change, and it would be a change for the better. I know it has been for me.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Thankful
Today I am thankful. I'm thankful for a husband who is honest with me and loves me, who doesn't shy away from telling me both the good and the bad. A husband who loves me enough to help me be a better person.
Today I am thankful for good memories and the friends who helped me make those memories. I am thankful for the laughter, the tears, the hugs, the adventures, and all the stuff in between. Thankful I can recall those memories at any moment and feel them wrap me up in the biggest virtual/imaginary hug that exists.
Today I am thankful. Despite all the hurts, despite so many uncertainties, despite frustrations and disappointments, despite the gray clouds gathering on the horizon, I am thankful. Despite the voices in my head yelling at me that everything is about to fall apart, I am thankful.
In this moment of so many overwhelming emotions and terrifying fears, in this moment of crushing despair and heart-wrenching sadness, I choose to see the things of beauty all around me. I choose to see the sun hiding behind the ominous clouds. I choose to see the mercy and grace that have ruled my life in generous abundance. I choose to see the love that is all around me and I am thankful.
Today I am thankful for good memories and the friends who helped me make those memories. I am thankful for the laughter, the tears, the hugs, the adventures, and all the stuff in between. Thankful I can recall those memories at any moment and feel them wrap me up in the biggest virtual/imaginary hug that exists.
Today I am thankful. Despite all the hurts, despite so many uncertainties, despite frustrations and disappointments, despite the gray clouds gathering on the horizon, I am thankful. Despite the voices in my head yelling at me that everything is about to fall apart, I am thankful.
In this moment of so many overwhelming emotions and terrifying fears, in this moment of crushing despair and heart-wrenching sadness, I choose to see the things of beauty all around me. I choose to see the sun hiding behind the ominous clouds. I choose to see the mercy and grace that have ruled my life in generous abundance. I choose to see the love that is all around me and I am thankful.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Thoughts and Ramblings
There's a lot on my mind tonight, so I've taken to blogging to help air it all out. First, I suppose the proper thing to do would be to wish you all a happy new year! 2013 has arrived and it marks the 7th year I have been blogging. Wow, can't believe how time has flown! I also can't believe how much I have documented here on this little blog, nor how much has changed in my life since first I started. Hmm, that last bit sounded a bit "early English". I guess you can tell I've been reading Tolkien lately, hehe. The fantasy is a nice little break from the serious business of life, and the even more serious business of adult life. ;)
As I said in my last blog, Christmas was absolutely wonderful and I really enjoyed the time off with my husband. We went down to Telluride for a few days and spent some time with good friends, relaxing and enjoying the gorgeous natural beauty. It was a nice time to reset before the new year and returning to work. I'm glad I had it, as my first week back at work was a lot of hard work and very little money making. I guess most of my clients felt they were still on holiday, so I had a whopping 5 hours of clinic work in the three days that I went in for clinic work. That only 2 hours more than the total time it took me to drive in. :( Not a good thing, but I am hoping things will get better next week and if all goes well, the month of January should prove to be very busy with clinic work.
Outside of work, there has been a lot on my mind. Last year I lost a nephew, had two new nephews born, and found out there will be another member added sometime next year. There's a lot of joy and sorrow all wrapped up together in that sentence, which describes my feelings on the matter exactly. I still ache when I think of my little nephew and the fact that I never got to meet him. I ache that I will probably never truly know my newest nephews. I do get to see pictures of them, though, and that makes me happy.
Of course, all these babies around makes me anxious to have one of my one, and I have been sorely disappointed the last three months that I have not found myself pregnant. I know, with my logical head, that I have not yet done everything I can, and I'm sure it will happen soon; but, still, I wonder why it is that I have to try so hard rather than it just happening. It makes me worry that maybe something is wrong, or maybe I can't. My husband tells me that is silly, but the worrier in me has the hardest time resisting the doubts.
I think, maybe, that of everything running round and round in my head, my ability to find something to worry about frustrates me the most. It's almost like I need worry like a drug. I don't know how to live life without it. My life can be going along perfectly fine and I can still find something that concerns me. It's as though I need for there to be something wrong in order for things to feel right, as though I don't know how to handle a world or a life where things are not wrong. That scares me. How do you overcome that? How do you keep yourself from constantly worrying and learn to sit back and enjoy life when it is good?
We sang a song in church today, and as we sang the words "On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand," I had a visions of myself caught in the gales of a fierce storm, with waves crashing around me, lightning streaking above me, and wind howling all around me. It was truly terrifying, but in the midst of this, I was sitting on a large rock, clinging to it with everything in me. Yet, somehow, I knew that it was not my clinging that was holding me on the rock, but the rock itself that was keeping me stable. I could almost feel the rock under my feet holding me up, keeping me safe from the storm around me. Then I realized, that's what Jesus does for me every day. Through all the bad things, the uncertainties, the fears, and the worries, He is the Rock, the one thing that I can cling to, that holds me up, even when I can no longer cling to Him in my own strength or will. It may sound strange, but right now, that is so comforting to me. It doesn't give me answers or calm all the doubts I have, but it does bring me peace.
As I said in my last blog, Christmas was absolutely wonderful and I really enjoyed the time off with my husband. We went down to Telluride for a few days and spent some time with good friends, relaxing and enjoying the gorgeous natural beauty. It was a nice time to reset before the new year and returning to work. I'm glad I had it, as my first week back at work was a lot of hard work and very little money making. I guess most of my clients felt they were still on holiday, so I had a whopping 5 hours of clinic work in the three days that I went in for clinic work. That only 2 hours more than the total time it took me to drive in. :( Not a good thing, but I am hoping things will get better next week and if all goes well, the month of January should prove to be very busy with clinic work.
Outside of work, there has been a lot on my mind. Last year I lost a nephew, had two new nephews born, and found out there will be another member added sometime next year. There's a lot of joy and sorrow all wrapped up together in that sentence, which describes my feelings on the matter exactly. I still ache when I think of my little nephew and the fact that I never got to meet him. I ache that I will probably never truly know my newest nephews. I do get to see pictures of them, though, and that makes me happy.
Of course, all these babies around makes me anxious to have one of my one, and I have been sorely disappointed the last three months that I have not found myself pregnant. I know, with my logical head, that I have not yet done everything I can, and I'm sure it will happen soon; but, still, I wonder why it is that I have to try so hard rather than it just happening. It makes me worry that maybe something is wrong, or maybe I can't. My husband tells me that is silly, but the worrier in me has the hardest time resisting the doubts.
I think, maybe, that of everything running round and round in my head, my ability to find something to worry about frustrates me the most. It's almost like I need worry like a drug. I don't know how to live life without it. My life can be going along perfectly fine and I can still find something that concerns me. It's as though I need for there to be something wrong in order for things to feel right, as though I don't know how to handle a world or a life where things are not wrong. That scares me. How do you overcome that? How do you keep yourself from constantly worrying and learn to sit back and enjoy life when it is good?
We sang a song in church today, and as we sang the words "On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand," I had a visions of myself caught in the gales of a fierce storm, with waves crashing around me, lightning streaking above me, and wind howling all around me. It was truly terrifying, but in the midst of this, I was sitting on a large rock, clinging to it with everything in me. Yet, somehow, I knew that it was not my clinging that was holding me on the rock, but the rock itself that was keeping me stable. I could almost feel the rock under my feet holding me up, keeping me safe from the storm around me. Then I realized, that's what Jesus does for me every day. Through all the bad things, the uncertainties, the fears, and the worries, He is the Rock, the one thing that I can cling to, that holds me up, even when I can no longer cling to Him in my own strength or will. It may sound strange, but right now, that is so comforting to me. It doesn't give me answers or calm all the doubts I have, but it does bring me peace.
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