I Hurt

I hurt today. More than I have in a long time. More than I want to for another long while. Some old wounds were re-opened as I had to discuss things in my past that are painful to talk about. I was actually surprised at how much it hurt. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting the pain, the ache, the disappointment and devastation to be as deep as the day I first experienced them. But, there they were staring me straight in the face and refusing to go anywhere. I didn't really have the time or energy to deal with them, but they did not ask for my permission to show up. It's amazing to me how much buried and forgotten feelings can still be so strong when resurrected. Amazing how the hurt of a situation that happened so many years ago can still have the poignancy of an event that happened today. This seems to be particularly true of horrifying events. Today I relived one of the most horrifying, devastating events of my life. It is probably one of the deepest betrayals and cruelest treatments of someone I have ever seen. The fact that it was perpetuated by people who said they loved me, loved my family, only made it that much worse. The even more astonishing fact that this was done in the name of protecting what is righteous and holy, carried out by those who profess to live their lives in the imitation of Christ has been the most troubling facet of the whole thing. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I cannot understand it or accept it. I cannot pretend it is not hurtful. I cannot pretend that everything is O.K. I hurt. I ache. My heart is broken. There do not seem to be enough tears to shed, enough sobs to cry. How wish it was not this way.

Notes

It's been a long journey I've been on here in Colorado. There have been so many things that have happened and I feel that in so many ways I have been able to grow and change as I have needed to. There is so much happening with graduate school and my crazy clinic schedule and then planning the wedding has had its own adventures. I have also been traveling a lot these past few months and there is more in the future. There has been so much happen that is seems as though several years have passed in the past 7 months. I feel older in so many ways but then I feel younger in so many ways. My life, as usual, is one dichotomous existence. My last post was about the healing I have started to experience while being here in CO. That healing has continued and is now extended into my family in very incredible ways. My parents were remarried this past month and have started a life together once again after 21 years of separation. From what I can tell they seem very happy and I am thrilled for them. My family seems to be more supportive of my wedding than ever. Mr. Darcy and I spent quite a bit of time with them over the holiday break and I think they have finally come to accept him as a part of my life. I hope they will someday come to love him as I have. Speaking of Mr. Darcy, he and I have started laying out plans for our life together. It's very exciting to talk with him about our future children and looking at where we want to settle down. Most of all I am waiting anxiously for the day when we won't have to say goodbye each night while wishing we were still sitting next to each other. In three months that will be no more and we will start our lives together.
I know I haven't posted much on here in the past few months. I have really wanted to as there have been so many things I want to write about. Time has been the limiting factor but I am hoping to change that. There are a lot of things I am wanting to say, many things I want to share. This blog always has been and still is an excellent outlet for me to express myself and I intend to use it more in the future.