I Hurt

I hurt today. More than I have in a long time. More than I want to for another long while. Some old wounds were re-opened as I had to discuss things in my past that are painful to talk about. I was actually surprised at how much it hurt. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting the pain, the ache, the disappointment and devastation to be as deep as the day I first experienced them. But, there they were staring me straight in the face and refusing to go anywhere. I didn't really have the time or energy to deal with them, but they did not ask for my permission to show up. It's amazing to me how much buried and forgotten feelings can still be so strong when resurrected. Amazing how the hurt of a situation that happened so many years ago can still have the poignancy of an event that happened today. This seems to be particularly true of horrifying events. Today I relived one of the most horrifying, devastating events of my life. It is probably one of the deepest betrayals and cruelest treatments of someone I have ever seen. The fact that it was perpetuated by people who said they loved me, loved my family, only made it that much worse. The even more astonishing fact that this was done in the name of protecting what is righteous and holy, carried out by those who profess to live their lives in the imitation of Christ has been the most troubling facet of the whole thing. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I cannot understand it or accept it. I cannot pretend it is not hurtful. I cannot pretend that everything is O.K. I hurt. I ache. My heart is broken. There do not seem to be enough tears to shed, enough sobs to cry. How wish it was not this way.