A Struggle

I'm angry.  I'm angry and I'm hurt and I don't know how to get over it.  I wish this big lump in my chest would just go away, but it won't.  I've tried to understand it and tried to move on from it, but the wound still aches and the anger still flashes hot within me.  How do I forgive someone who spent their life trying to destroy me and my family?  How do I live without caring what they do and not allowing it to affect me?  How am I supposed to be happy for them when things in their life go well?  They refuse to acknowledge the truth about things.  They refuse to admit they did anything wrong and then they lie and try to paint themselves as a victim.  How do they do that??  How do they sleep at night and live with themselves each day?  How do they pretend that they are a righteous Godly person and even go so far as to declare themselves the standard bearer for Christian values?  How do they wreak so much damage and pain and then look around them with an uninterested gaze and act as though nothing has happened?  HOW???

I know that I am instructed to forgive people who have hurt me and I honestly want to, but it feels like I have hit a brick wall here.  My mind is screaming out for justice, not forgiveness.  I feel as though slapping the label forgiveness on this is not really being honest about things.  Yes, I can forgive this person, but how does that translate into pretending that everything is OK and nothing needs to be addressed?  That's what it feels like is happening.  I'm just supposed to say I forgive this person and then be happy for them no matter how much they lie and twist the truth, no matter how much they refuse to admit what they've done.  That seems to be impossible to me.  Yet, I know that if I don't learn to forgive them, I will be the one hurt by it.  This person couldn't care less about me and how they have hurt me, and they probably don't care if I forgive them.  I'm fairly certain they probably don't even think about me.  So, that leaves just me to be affected by my unforgiveness.  I'm the one who is blind with rage, I'm the one who's heart aches, I'm the one crying into my pillow at night.  I want to forgive this person; I need to forgive this person.  I guess I also need to know that justice will be served.  But, I cannot serve justice.  There is nothing I can do to ensure this person pays for the crimes they have committed. The only thing I have any control over is whether or not I will choose to forgive this person.  That's it.  That is the only power I hold.

Progress

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive." -- C.S. Lewis

I love this quote by Lewis.  It sums up a major theme in my life over the past 5 years.  It is an ironic quote, in many ways, but the truth of it cannot be denied.  I was talking with a friend of mine a few weeks ago about exactly this idea of identifying a wrong road you are on and then having the courage to turn around and go back to the right road.  In my experience, most people want to argue that although they are on the wrong road, they have traveled too far on that road to do an absolute about-face and get on the right road.  Their arguments consist of things like, "I've been doing this for too long to just stop suddenly," or "There is some good in all this and I am choosing to hang on to that," or "I am refuse to stop and give up everything I've been fighting for for all this time."  My response to these arguments is - Is time a measure of the righteousness or legitimacy of thoughts and actions?  Is the small amount of good comparable to the mountain of evil, pain, and hurt your poor choices have resulted in?  Is what you have been fighting for worth your holding onto?  The way I see it, you are still on the wrong road, and that will not change until you stop, turn around, and go back to the right road.  While this may seem like a regression, it is in actuality, as Lewis stated, a progression.  It is progression into what is right, into what is healthy, into what God has intended and planned for you.

It seems like such a simple concept when viewed in this way, but the reality is that living it out is anything but simple.  It requires us to give up our pride and sense of accomplishment that is associated with our "progress" on the wrong road.  It requires us to be broken and humble and admit that we have been wrong.  The longer we have been on this wrong road, the harder it is for us to do this.  Yet, the thought of true progress should spur us on to make that about-face, and make it as quickly as possible.  The thought of reconciliation with our Saviour should comfort us in the difficulty of that change process.  The thought and realization of all that God has for us on the right road should be more than enough to inspire us to make the temporary hard decision of going back and getting on the right road in exchange for the lasting reward of the progress we will make on the right road.  The decision is ours, now and always.  Will you trade a false sense of progress on a wrong road for the hard truth of progress on the right road?  I am sure this is a question we will all ask ourselves many times in our lives.  I pray that my answer will always be to turn back and find the right road, no matter what the cost.

A Lesson Learned

"My problem is that you are demanding a resolution to your concerns without taking into consideration the other persons feelings about the issue."  Those words are still ringing in my ears.  My dear Mr. Darcy said them to me while we were discussing something I was upset about.  I have to admit, they were quite unnerving.  I was very upset about something and it was an issue that is important to me.  Something had happened and I was extremely uncomfortable with it.  Being uncomfortable, I did what I always do when in that position and demanded it stop.  Now, here was my husband telling me there was more to it than I was seeing; there were more feelings than mine involved.  Of course I knew there were other people's feelings involved, but I hadn't stopped to think about those feelings and the fact that said feelings might be just as strong as my own.  Well, that put a wrench in things.  How could I demand that things go my way and thus ignore the other person involved?  That would, in essence, be asserting that my own feelings were more important than the other person's.  Being completely honest, I do feel that way, and I want my husband to feel that my feelings are more important than other people's feelings.  However, that's not the truth of the situation.  In reality, no one person's feelings should be valued more than another's.  It's not OK to hurt one person in order to appease another, or ignore a person's feelings in order to please another's.  If you had asked me if I wanted the other person in the situation hurt, I would have said "no" without a second thought, and it would be the truth, but by not considering how they would be affected by my actions I was essentially doing the same thing.  Now, I'm not saying that you should allow things to happen that make you uncomfortable or are harmful to you just because you are trying to ensure that everyone around you is happy.  I am saying that it behooves us to consider the other person in the situation and to really look at all sides before making decisions to ease our own discomfort that could be potentially harmful to others.  My husbands words were right, and while exceptionally uncomfortable at the time, they were something I needed to hear.  I needed to be reminded that I am not the only person with feelings, and my feelings are not anymore important than someone else's.  Rather than demanding my way and demanding my feelings be respected, I should be approaching the situation with the view of what is best for everyone involved.