A Struggle

I'm angry.  I'm angry and I'm hurt and I don't know how to get over it.  I wish this big lump in my chest would just go away, but it won't.  I've tried to understand it and tried to move on from it, but the wound still aches and the anger still flashes hot within me.  How do I forgive someone who spent their life trying to destroy me and my family?  How do I live without caring what they do and not allowing it to affect me?  How am I supposed to be happy for them when things in their life go well?  They refuse to acknowledge the truth about things.  They refuse to admit they did anything wrong and then they lie and try to paint themselves as a victim.  How do they do that??  How do they sleep at night and live with themselves each day?  How do they pretend that they are a righteous Godly person and even go so far as to declare themselves the standard bearer for Christian values?  How do they wreak so much damage and pain and then look around them with an uninterested gaze and act as though nothing has happened?  HOW???

I know that I am instructed to forgive people who have hurt me and I honestly want to, but it feels like I have hit a brick wall here.  My mind is screaming out for justice, not forgiveness.  I feel as though slapping the label forgiveness on this is not really being honest about things.  Yes, I can forgive this person, but how does that translate into pretending that everything is OK and nothing needs to be addressed?  That's what it feels like is happening.  I'm just supposed to say I forgive this person and then be happy for them no matter how much they lie and twist the truth, no matter how much they refuse to admit what they've done.  That seems to be impossible to me.  Yet, I know that if I don't learn to forgive them, I will be the one hurt by it.  This person couldn't care less about me and how they have hurt me, and they probably don't care if I forgive them.  I'm fairly certain they probably don't even think about me.  So, that leaves just me to be affected by my unforgiveness.  I'm the one who is blind with rage, I'm the one who's heart aches, I'm the one crying into my pillow at night.  I want to forgive this person; I need to forgive this person.  I guess I also need to know that justice will be served.  But, I cannot serve justice.  There is nothing I can do to ensure this person pays for the crimes they have committed. The only thing I have any control over is whether or not I will choose to forgive this person.  That's it.  That is the only power I hold.