Relationships

I am by no means a relationship expert. In fact, I have a lot of ideas and zero experience, which makes me a bit of hazard when it comes to relationships, romantic ones that is. I have no idea what I am doing and it is so aggravating. I don't know if I'm doing the right things, the wrong things, or something that doesn't matter either way. I think I am showing a person how much I care about them and I end up annoying the heck out of them. Then, I pull back and try so hard to not do that and I end up offending them. There isn't anyone I have asked for help that has really given me any, which, quite frankly is a bit frightening. Does no one know what they are doing and how these things are supposed to work????? Of course there is the small problem that I don't really feel like there is anyone I can talk to about it completely so it limits what they can give me advice on and what I can ask advice on, but that shouldn't be that unusual, right? I mean, what did people do before there were marriage/relationship counselors? They had to have been able to work things out on their own, so why can't I? Honestly, I feel so completely lost. I never have understood the whole dating thing anyway and now that I have a relationship I understand it even less. What is it even? How do you pretend you are serious with someone but your not? How to do get close but keep yourself from getting too close? How do you let someone in but shut them out all at the same time? I realize that relationships take patience, something I never really realized before, but how do you proceed in something when there is so much uncertainty? My thinking has always been that the relationship is just temporal until there is a commitment made - either marriage or the declared intention to get married. Yet, in the living out of that it is so much more complex than that. What happens if you both really care about each other but marriage is not an option at the moment? Then what? Well, you can wait but it's hard to know where the boundaries are and what is the right or wrong thing to do both with yourself and with the other person. It's so frustrating! How do you tell yourself to not care about someone so much, especially when that person is your best friend? How do you keep yourself from falling completely and totally in love with someone that you grow closer to each day? I know love is a choice in so many ways, but it is also an emotion that grows with the growing of relationships. The relationship will either foster and encourage love or it will kill it. What do I do if it encourages it but I can't act on it? Do I pretend it isn't there? Oh, I don't know. There are so many opinions on the "right" way to do it, but I am not settled with any of those opinions. The only thing I am settled with is learning more and more how to put my trust in the Lord in this area of my life and continuing to make choices and do things in my relationship that will bring honor to Him and will encourage both myself and my significant other to seek the Lord and grow in His grace and knowledge every day. In the end that is the best way that I can love someone anyway and it is the only thing I am absolutely sure of. I don't know if any of this made any sense but that's what happens when the writer is confused!

This Summer

Summer is upon me and I am not sure I am happy about it. There seem to be so many things to do, so many mountains to cross, and so many goals to reach. There are some really good things on the horizon for me but I am missing the sense of excitement I feel like should be there. I want to take on the challenges that are facing me but I am not sure I am up to it. I will be working more this summer than I ever have before and I will be facing things in my personal life that are completely new for me. Of course none of that is bad and I don't want to complain about it; I'm just not sure of how it will turn out. To give you some idea of the next two months: I have to finish putting my house together, I will then have a house warming, I will have family come to visit, I will travel to California to visit family, I will help a friend have a baby shower, I will be studying for the GRE, I will be scheduling classes and work for the fall, I will be valiantly trying (and succeeding) at getting in shape, and of course I will be working. I'm actually glad that I have a lot to do because it will keep me busy, but I have to admit that I am a bit fearful of the outcome. What if I fail at doing everything and I can't start the fall the way I need to? What if it proves to be too much for me to handle? I don't know. Maybe I am totally overreacting. I guess there isn't really much for me to do but take it one step at a time and just keep trying to reach all my goals. If I don't get to all of them I guess it won't be the end of the world; I'll just be disappointed. When I stop and look at things seriously I know that they are do-able and I know that I am actually very excited about many things; I just need to not let those things overwhelm me. So, I will be practicing relaxing a great deal and hopefully this summer I will learn a little bit more about not stressing over things that don't need to be stressed over. =)

The Flight

I got on the airplane with a little hesitation. It was cloudy and very windy outside. I don't like flying anyway and I especially dislike it when there is bad weather to contend with. I knew the flight would be a short one this time but that wasn't really much of a comfort. I found my seat, stowed my carry on and strapped myself in. The plane was very full today. I looked out the window and wondered how much the strong gusts of wind would affect the flight. Soon everyone was boarded and we were preparing for take off. We started down the run way and into the air. The winds tossed the plane to and fro, making us pitch and sway like we were on a ship in the open seas. We climbed higher and higher, the wind still slamming against us. We were over the clouds soon enough, but the turbulence still seemed to affect us. I felt like I was on a roller coaster thousands of feet in the air and I was not comfortable at all. I realized how completely powerless I would be to do anything if something went wrong with the plane. I was growing more uncomfortable with each wave of turbulence that washed over the plane. Then I noticed the girl in the seat in front of me. We both had window seats and she was leaning on the arm of her seat peering out the window. She was beautiful. The most gorgeous child I had ever seen. She looked about four and was staring out the window with all the wonder of a fresh mind sponging up its surroundings. She had platinum blond hair that hung just below her shoulders with bangs that brushed her forehead, accentuating her amazing blue eyes. They were the color of the sky on a bright Arizona spring day. Her long dark eyelashes curled up in just the right way so as to frame her eyes like stones in a beautiful setting. Her cheeks were round and slightly pink and her chubby fingers rested on them as her hand held her shin. Her lips were plump and perfectly shaped, adding the finishing touches to her doll-like face. I marveled at the DNA that created such a child. She was beautiful beyond words, and, she was calm. Amid the pitching and rolling of the plane she sat calmly looking out the window, taking in all her eyes could see, pointing out things to her mother who was sitting next to her. There wasn't a hint of fear in her voice. She didn't even seem to notice that the plane was affected by the weather system outside. I wished that I could have had the same calm. Every time the plane dipped I felt my heart dropping out of my chest. I would have gladly had a child's mentality at that moment. The plane finally stabilized at a higher altitude and I grew comfortable in my seat. The little girl was still gazing out the window and I couldn't help but smile at her. She was certainly more "put together" than I was and I had to laugh at myself just a little.

What I've Been Up To

I know it's been FOREVER since I last posted, but I've been incredibly busy. This moving/remodeling business is definitely not for the faint of heart. But, thankfully, I am almost done with it all and I am enjoying the fruits of the hard labor. Also, I must mention that I have had some great help these last couple of days and it has done a lot for both my sanity and my sore body. Hehe. Anyway, my house is looking pretty good right about now and I am actually very excited about it. I am thrilled at all the provisions the Lord has made for me and happy that I have made it through this life experience without too much trouble. There's been a lot going on in my life recently and the struggles have been numerous, but God has been so good to me and I feel that I can finally she the sun shining through all the dark clouds that seem to have filled my horizons of late. The Lord has taught me so many things these past few months that I look back and wonder at how it is I have come as far as I have. Perhaps for some it may not seem like such a feat, but for me it is truly a miracle. I must say that looking back over the past year I would have never imagined myself in the place that I now am and that seems so odd to me, but I know that God's ways are never our ways, His thoughts are never our thoughts, so it doesn't really matter what I imagined. All that matters is making sure I am listening to the voice of the Lord and following hard in His footsteps. Then I know He will lead me and guide me and I will always end up where He intends for me to be.

Pop Culture

For those of you who stubble upon or may read this blog with any sort of regularity and are at all connected with the pop culture of our day, this post is for you. These are just a few takes on the happenings of the day's most up-front and current events. First, American Idol. I will admit that I have watched a few seasons of the show, although the first and third seasons are the only two that I watched on a regular basis. Mostly, I watched the auditions to have a good laugh and then didn't really pay attention to the rest of the show because there wasn't much to watch. I find that very few of the contestants are really talented and even fewer have anything that makes them distinctive as a musician or performer. The first season was all about finding someone different, but I guess the show forgot its purpose because it has churned out mediocre pop musicians for the last six years. That's not to say that there is no one talented or musically unique on the show. There have been a handful of promising musicians and singers who have emerged as a result of the show, but the show itself is so overdone and commercialized now that I find it hard to watch. Ranting done, my point of contention for this post is the current group of "idols" who are vying for the crown. I have not heard one of them that is truly amazing to listen to or watch, and, yes, I have watched at least two shows this season. The main person talked about and the one who seems to be the media darling of this season is David Archuleta. I don't see the big deal. He is an alright singer who looks like a boy parading as a man except for when he decides to grow a beard and tousle his hair, per last night's show, in which case he looks like a dejected mountain man who was forced to put on clothes. I'm not seeing the draw to this guy, but if he "speaks" to you, who am I to judge? Then there is the absolutely ridiculous show "Farmer Takes a Wife" in which a young farmer has a group of city girls stay on his farm and perform various tasks while he takes stock of them and decides which one he wants. Silly, I know, but someone thinks it's entertainment. Poor premise for a show aside, the things that are said on this show are unbelievable. This week he apparently asked them to help with the usual farm chores and there was quite the upheaval. From the looks of it, most of the girls didn't perform very well and when one of them was booted off the show her remarks were scathing yet absurd. She was mad that the farmer had picked them flowers rather than buying them flowers, mad that he had asked them to help on the farm, and most of all mad that he expected them to be something more than a trophy wife. She said that he couldn't offer them any sort of real life, only hard work and an unpleasant situation. LOL!!!!!! What planet is this girl living on???? Of course the show is retarded. Aren't all these shows where some poor lonely heart has to sift through a group of desperate would-be spouses to find a mate? But at least the farmer understood that if he was going to marry someone she better be able to handle the kind of life that he lived. He wanted to know if any of these girls could really handle being married to him. Uh oh. Didn't he get the memo that these shows are not about that at all? They're about entertainment, not real life. Someone better pull him aside and inform him quick! He might run off too many girls and then be left on his own to find a worthwhile life-partner. Wonder how that would go. :0 Next on the list - Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. Who cares if these two got married???? Honestly, what difference does it make? Will it affect her career as a pop star or his as an actor? Doubtful. The only thing it does is create a buzz for about a week and then it dies. Sorry, Mariah, but I think you will have to try harder than that if you want to make a big splash. As for fellow pop diva Britney Spears, all I can say is ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! Can't we leave this girl alone? I'm sure she would appreciate it and I know most of the rest of us would to. Let the girl recover and at least attempt to regain control of her life, and let us move on and focus on something that really deserves attention, like the outrageous photos of Miley Cyrus. Is there no decency left in the entertainment world? What were the photographers thinking? Why would you take such suggestive shots of a 15 year old girl? Are you wanting to market her in the child porn industry? Of course she has apologized profusely for the photos and her parents have declared that they were not aware of them being taken, but, come one! Why weren't you aware? In my opinion, no one should be marketing their body to make their music sell, but certainly no one under the age of 18 should be allowed or encouraged to do so. What makes even less sense is that it was totally unnecessary. The girl is already worth an incredible amount of money and her popularity was a set thing. There was no reason to take these photos, much less publish them. This one definitely left a bad taste in my mouth and hopefully we will not be seeing anything like it too often. Perhaps I should stop there for now. I could go on about bad TV shows and terrible movies, but I will spare you. I think this post holds enough opinions for one day. ;)

Moving

I'm moving! I am finally moving into a permanent place to live, at least for the next year or so, and I am excited! I have some place that I can decorate, clean-up, fix-up, and pretty much do whatever I want to with. That's great, right? It is, but it is SO much work! I can't believe how much responsibility it is. There is carpet and tile to pick out and then have laid and there are painting decisions to be made, and sometimes un-made. There is the placing of furniture as well as choosing which pieces to use and which to not use. There are appliances to buy and cleaning supplies to get, as well as regular household items that are lacking. And, there is a massive amount of cleaning that needs to be done. I think sometimes I am losing my mind trying to do everything that needs to be done. Just when I have finished one thing, I find that there are ten more waiting for me to do. There are phones to connect, locksmiths to call, addresses to change, and, of course, the packing of all my stuff so that I can actually move myself into the new place. Sheesh!!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for the chance to live in a place that is my own and not borrowed or rented, and I am very excited with the opportunity to decorate the way I want to and to have a say in what goes on where I live. I just never imagined that it would be this hard. I'm not complaining, just noticing. I can say that it has given me a much greater respect for those who have done it for quite some time now. I never thought that "living" could be so complicated. It makes some of the things done by my parents and other "grown ups" I have known make much more sense.
I am sure when it is all over with that I will be thrilled with the amazing chance I have been given and will be perfectly happy with not only what I have accomplished (with lots and lots and lots of help) but with what I have. My place really is nice. I have nice neighbors and great views, and so much more. So, I guess I will ignore how tired I am for now, keep pushing forward until I finish what needs to be done, and in the end I will be happy I did.

A Good Man

One year ago if you had asked me my opinion of men you would have thought I was the most bitter, hateful person you ever met. I couldn't stand them. I thought that there was absolutely no hope for ever finding a descent man, let alone a good one, to even be friends with. The thought of just about every male I knew made me nauseated. I thought that no good men could exist because men were inherently bad. Ridiculous, I know, but suffice it to say I hated men. It took me a few months but I got over that and finally decided that there had to be at least one good man out there somewhere. They had to exist. Someone had to have raised their son right and actually brought him up to be a truly good man. I wasn't looking for a super-human man or someone without any flaws; just someone with a good heart and good values, strength of character, and deep down a good person. I never suspected that I would actually know such a man; perhaps hear about him or maybe cross his path and that was it, but I've met one. He's got his bad points, his flaws, bad habits, and weaknesses, but deep down he's a good man. He's tenderhearted, a great listener, a loyal friend, has a great mind, is respectful, and he actually thinks about things before he does something. Although he might not agree with me on this, he has old-fashioned values, when he doesn't let those around him talk him out of them. He values what is valuable, has little use for what is trivial and in so many ways he is a real man and not a boy masquerading as such. This is a big pill for me to swallow, but I want to do it. I spent so much time hating men and telling all my friends that no man was worth loving or caring about, much less even knowing, and now I would like to take that all back. They do exist. Perhaps not in the fairytale way that young girls dream of, but in a very real, tangible way. Somewhere in this great big world parents are still raising their sons to be real men, good men, and I'm so glad they are. So, Mr. Darcy, despite all your quirks and all the critiques I could make, I'm so glad I met you.

Note

If you are new to my blog or you are a returning visitor and need a reminder this note is for you. In case you need a diversion or are looking for something interesting to read check out my other blog Urban Bus Adventures. There is a link for it at the bottom of the page. If you feel like it you can even leave me a comment on what you think. Imagine that!

It Is Well

Life sometimes is hard to deal with. There are rough spots that seem to be more troublesome than anything we ever thought we could handle. There have been many times when I have wondered if I was going to make it through some of these "spots" and if so how I was going to do it. Just about that time is when the Lord is always so faithful to remind me that He is still God, He still in control, and He is still with me. He has never left or forsaken me. There is nothing quite like being reassured by the Lord. I've been having several weeks of rough spots and I have been praying that the Lord would help me get through them and give me strength to do all the things I need to do. He has done all that, but even more precious is His reminder that all is well. I heard a hymn that I know very well and love very much. It talks about all the things that may happen in your life - the good, the bad, the pleasant, the hard - and it says that through it all there is one thing that we can be sure of - it is well with our souls. If there is any comfort I have, no matter what is going on around me or in my life, it is knowing that because of Jesus it is well with my soul. There is nothing that can snatch me from His hands, nothing that can pull me from His arms. When I gave Him my life so many years ago we made a covenant that cannot be broken. I don't always live up to my end of the deal, but He never fails at His end. That's why I can say with confidence it is well with my soul. My heart may be broken and maimed, my mind may be clouded and unable to reason correctly, my body may be sick and in need of help, but still I know that it is well with my soul. I am my Beloved's and He is mine and it is well with my soul. Oh the peace and comfort that washes over me when I remember that! Jesus is still with me, He still walks beside me and carries me when I can no longer go on, and He is still the Friend Who sticks closer than a brother, the Shepherd Who guards His sheep, the Savior Who redeems and heals. What a wonderful Savior He is and how wonderful to know that because of Him it is well with my soul.

The Bell

At work there is a desk bell that sits on one of the service counters and is there so that in case we don't see a customer standing at the counter they can ring the bell and let us know they are there. Now, I HATE this bell. It is one of the most obnoxious things I have ever come across. It rings so many times in a day that I sometimes hear it ring when there is no one there and a few times I have heard it in my sleep at night. As I said before, I HATE this bell. But, that is life and it is a part of my job, so, I cheerfully continue on, answering the bell every time it dings. However, there is something that I cannot abide - rude customers. There seem to be several medical students and medical office personnel who insist on ringing the bell twice or even three times if you do not appear at the counter within 1 second of their ringing the bell. And then there are those who insist on ringing the bell when they can clearly see that you are on the phone and cannot attend to them at that moment. How rude and inconsiderate is that?!?!?!?! Does working in a medical building or being a med student give you the right to mistreat people? I often want to ask them how they would like it if I stood there at the counter and kept ringing the bell at them. However, it is my job to be friendly and polite. That means that I cannot really comment on the poor behavior of these rude bell ringers. I simply have to smile at them and help them. Every now I and then I will politely let them know that I heard the bell the first time, but that is only when the behavior is very much out of order. Otherwise I just breathe deeply and plaster at least a half-smile on my face and ask them what it is I can help them with. I know the bell is necessary, but how I wish there was another way. I am always thankful for those customers who are so reticent to ring the bell and apologize profusely for doing so. They are good customers. I wish they would rub off on the others who so desperately need something to rub off on them. Oh, well. I'll quit ranting now.