TV Show

So I'm sitting here watching CSI Miami on TV because there is absolutely nothing else on to watch, and I am wondering how it is that so many bad actors are able to have a weekly show that is not canceled. I have never liked David Caruso as an actor and I have never thought he was good-looking, and I have always been puzzled as to why others were of a different opinion. His signature move is to say these stupid one-liners while pretending to be the coolest man on the planet. He looks so ridiculous and is so far from believable that I am amazed he is allowed to keep acting. Why would someone hire him to play any part? He is TERRIBLE!!!!! Given that I am not a Caruso fan, I have never really been drawn to watching CSI Miami, but, as I mentioned, there is nothing else on tonight. Very reluctantly I decided not to change the channel, figuring I could suffer through Caruso and focus on the plot and the other actors. However, that has proven to be disappointing. The other actors in the show are so incredibly bad that I find myself wondering how it is they ever were given a job. The show has an abundance of cheesy lines that are poorly delivered, making them impossible to digest. Honestly, I think I could act better! Another thought - what is it exactly Caruso does in the show? He never processes a scene, works the evidence or does any of the investigating. He just shows up at the crime scenes and stands there in some "studly" pose, whipping his sunglasses on and off his face, preparing to growl his lines out in what I am sure he thinks is a sexy, very masculine deep voice. Can anyone say, "Oh, gag me!!!"? Why does this show continue to run? It can't even hold a candle to the other two CSI shows and, frankly, I would think that Jerry Bruckheimer would see it as a colossal offense to his talents. It is one of the worst shows I have ever watched. Oh well. I guess I have made my point and should stop ranting. I am sure there are more important things out there to focus my attention on. Still, I wish people would be offended by the trash that is being offered them and would demand that better shows with real actors be shown. Ok, I'll stop for real this time. (hehe)

Various

Ive been wanting to post for the past few days but haven't been able to. Either I haven't had the time or I have been unable to put my thoughts into words. It is the writer's fate to always be wanting to write and yet not always being able to write. I am thankful when I can manage to make time constraints and creative constraints work themselves out and I find myself in front of the computer typing out a new post. There is something quite relieving about it. The chance to express myself freely is exhilarating and helps me make sense of the numerous topics and ideas that are constantly running through my mind. This week I have been very busy but I have enjoyed most of what I have been doing. I was given the chance to work with some really great people on a project that is a worthwhile endeavor and the work that I am doing for this project is mostly stuff I really enjoy doing. Call me strange, but I enjoy making out place cards and placing ribbons on things to make them look nice. I enjoy organizing things and putting things in order and I enjoy helping people. So, the work side of things has been pretty good. As for the personal side of who I am, things have been pretty good as well. I got to make people happy this week, and I always enjoy that. I had gotten a gift for someone and I was dying to give it to them and this week I was able to. I love doing that. Giving something to someone that you know they will love is one of the best feelings in the world. I started the process of returning to school in the fall and I am excited about the different opportunities I have in front of me. I did get some rather scary news from the doctor this week, but there is really no point in my overreacting. There is not much I can do at this point except wait and see what the outcome will be and hope and pray that it turns out to be nothing. The doctor was very kind and I greatly appreciate everything he is doing for me. It is a comfort to know that he is trying to help me the best way he knows how. I also learned a lesson this week (Hurrah! I'm not too old to learn!). I am very critical of ditsy girls who act ten years younger and less intelligent than they really are. I have blogged about them, complained about them, and been a bit of a snob towards them. That's not to say that I have never been friends with anyone like that. The outlook was more of a general one than a specific one, but still, it was a flawed one. I realized this week that that type of girl may act that way and get on my nerves, or be a little difficult to handle at times, but many of them are really sweet people. They have no inhibitions about caring for people and letting people know that they care. I realized that my biased view of them is a result of unpleasant things I have experienced at the hands of people similar to them, and it really isn't fair of me to write them all off as people that will do the same thing. Yes, there are generalities and common themes in human behavior, but that does not mean that we should write people off as a certain type of person without really getting to know them. Also, I think I would be far less critical of others if I spent more time finding the good in them and less time focusing on the flaws that seem to be so glaring. Perhaps their flaws wouldn't be so glaring and their good points would seem so much more noticeable. So, that about sums up this week. There is always more I could write but I am not sure how I would write it. Plus, I wouldn't want you to grow tired from reading and have to stop midway through the post so you could rest. Lol. Just kidding.

Disappointment

I hate being a disappointment. I feel like all my life I've let people down. I haven't been able to live up to anyone's expectations for me, I haven't been able to accomplish any of the things that people in my life have expected of me. The worst is feeling that somehow in letting them down I have let myself down, but I don't really feel that I have let myself down. I've never expected great things from myself, never demanded that I be some super-human example of life here on this earth, and never assumed that somehow I am better in some way or another than those around me. I have always viewed myself as a "plain-jane" with the same attributes and qualities as most people. I don't see myself as a stand-out person with any amazing talents or gifts. Sure, I have talents, I have gifts, and I am blessed in many ways, but I don't see that as superior. Everyone has those things. Yet, despite this view of myself, those around me have always expected that I would accomplish something "great". I have never, for the life of me, been able to understand this and the thing it has brought about in my life has been the feeling that I disappoint those who matter most to me. I guess because I don't expect great things from myself I don't disappoint myself, but why is it not that way for others. Don't get me wrong - I have high standards for myself and demand my best in whatever I do, but those are rules to guide my life, not determinants on how successful I am in the eyes of those around me. Maybe the problem lies in giving too much credence to what people think of me and what I have done this far with my life, but I find that it is very difficult to ignore what those who are close to me think of me. Maybe I should grow a thicker skin and just not care, but then, isn't that what caring about people is partly about? That's why they have an influence on you and you on them. I don't know. Maybe my musings are confusing and baseless, but I find that they come back to me over and over again. I hate the feeling of being found wanting, of feeling that I am not as good as someone would wish me to be, of feeling that I lack in some way and at the bottom of all of it is a sense that somehow it is all my fault. Hmm. Well, these are certainly not well developed thoughts, but, they are on my mind so I figured I'd post about them.

Reflections

I miss them so much. The people of my past haunt me like ghosts in the dark. I see their faces for a fleeting moment, just enough to get me longing to really see them, and then they are gone, like a vapor that momentarily fills the room and then evaporates. I hear their voices in my head as though they were some spirit chorus that I wish to be a part of, but, alas, I cannot. I cannot hear even one word from their lips spoken in my ear. I close my eyes and I can envision them laughing and talking as though they are here with me and I am in the midst of them, drinking in their presence as a cool drink to my weary soul. I lie in my bed and I can feel their arms around me as though they are there with me still offering the comfort and love we once enjoyed. How I miss them! They shall never be mine again and that is a sad, sobering thought. They will always be ghosts to me, spirits from another time and place, dreams that are no longer tangible to me. Perhaps I will see them again one day, but it will not be the same. They will look different, they will laugh and talk differently, and they will show love in a manner I no longer recognize. I wish this were not so; how I wish it with all my heart, but it is not within my power to control it. Those from my past must follow their own paths as I am following mine and for the time being those paths do but seldom cross. In some future time they may meet up again but we will both be aged and changed from the traveling we have done and then we will be as strangers to one another. Gone will be the affectionate glances, the knowing smiles, the laughter at jokes we have spent a lifetime sharing with each other, the friendly embraces that have been such a necessary part of our existence, the kinship that comes from sharing your life with someone. This will all be sorely missed and is felt even now as I am haunted by the lack of their physical presence. To have someone and then lose them is perhaps on of the hardest things to endure in life, but that is where I am at and I am finding that the grief of this loss is something far beyond my powers to comprehend or even deal with. How I have prayed for heavenly comfort, and at times it is there, but I still feel such a loss. The ghostly images of my past are constantly with me filling my head with sweet and sad memories and filling my heart with longing and desire. How long will this haunting go on? When will I no longer see ghosts in the day and spirits in the night? Maybe it is all dependent on me and my ability to deal with this loss, but I feel so weak and unfit to tackle such a monstrous task. I heard a quote today from Hudson Taylor. It said: "I am so weak. I can't read my Bible. I can't even pray. I can only lie still in God's arms like a little child and trust." That is me right now. Lord, help me to trust you through this time that is so hard for me.

Being Alone

I feel so alone. I know I shouldn't and it probably isn't very rational, but I do. There are those around me who tell me that they are there for me if I need them, tell me how much they care about me, and try to give me what I need. Still, I feel alone. I know that given the period of my life that I am going through right now this is probably a normal thing, but I wish it wasn't. I am so tired of feeling this way, so tired of feeling hurt and loss, tired of crying into my pillow at night or into the shoulder of someone close by. I am tired and worn out and I feel so terribly alone. I've tried to stop the feelings; I've tried to ignore them and move on as though they weren't constantly eating away at me. I've tried to face them and deal with them, but to no avail. I feel as though I will never be the same person again. Is that a bad thing? Maybe I shouldn't return to the person I was before all these things happened to me; or maybe I should and I just don't know how to do it. Whatever the case may be, I just wish I didn't feel like this. I hate being alone. In my mind's eye it is one of the worst things that can happen to me. I know that admitting that leaves me wide open for criticism by anyone who reads this, but I have no wish to deny it. It is a part of who I am at this moment and pretending I am not that way is deceiving myself and those around me. Oh, I wish I didn't feel this way! Will I ever get past it? Will this ever stop? Will the feelings ever cease? Will there be relief at some point? These are the questions crowding my mind and occupying my thoughts. Perhaps they mean that I am a weak person or that I am being childish and not facing what happens to most people at some time or another with any sort of dignity and maturity. All I can say to that is, "Sorry". I am trying my best and hopefully it will accomplish something eventually. At least that is my prayer. In the mean time I will go on living each day praying that it is better than the last and hoping that I will stop feeling this dreadful loneliness.