Goodbye, Mr. Monk

I feel like a complete fool saying this, but, the series finale of Monk made me cry.  There are very few movies, TV shows, or books that have that effects on me, but for some reason the producers, directors and actors of the series Monk were able to pull it off.  I'm sure you're probably wondering why I am writing about this now, some 3 to 4 years after the show ended.  Well, I was never able to watch the entire series when it was on.  I would catch episodes here and there when a network decided to air reruns, or I would happen to sit down and watch TV on the regularly scheduled night for the show to air.  In all, I think saw fewer than 20 of the 125 episodes the show had, and I never saw any of the final season.

Mr. Darcy and I can't afford cable and our TV gets only one local channel with any sort of consistency.  So, we decided last year to buy Netflix and use that as our entertainment.  When I realized several months ago that they had all 8 seasons of Monk, I began slowly making my way through each episode.  Honestly, it is some of the best TV I have ever watched.  The character development and human behaviors they explore were fascinating and hilarious.  I work with a lot of people who share characteristics with the show's main character, Mr. Monk, and it's so funny to see some of the behaviors and their results played out on a screen.

I knew I was getting close to the end of the series over the past few weeks and I had been anticipating the season/series finale for a while.  As I got closer and closer, the anticipation kept growing and I was so excited to watch the final 2 episodes.  The story line wasn't all that incredible, but the acting and the feel of the show was.  By the end of it I was tearing up and trying really hard not to outright bawl.  As I sat there watching the end, listening to the absolutely perfect song they played, I realized that in so many ways I identified with this show, with the stories and the characters, the struggles and the triumphs.  Then I realized that I am going to miss it.  I'm going to miss the feelings it gave me and the laughter it brought.  I'm going to miss cheering for Mr. Monk and cringing in shock and horror and some of his antics.  Of course, I can always watch reruns, but it's not the same.  I know that shows can't last forever, but this is one I am really sad couldn't.  My hat is off to every cast and crew member of this show.  Thank you for helping me create enjoyable, fun memories. :)

The Chocolate Crockpot Cake Disaster

Those that know me know that chocolate is very near and dear to my heart.  They also know that baked goods are a vice of mine and if you ask me, I cannot live without them.  Now, that doesn't mean I eat them every day all day, but I usually can't go more than 2 weeks without some sort of baked treat, usually with chocolate in it.  Well, it's been at least 2 weeks since I had any really good baked treats and I have been craving chocolate badly.  It would seem this would be a simple thing to fix.  I have all the ingredients to make myself something and I had some time the past couple of days to so.  The problem?  The glass on my oven door exploded into a million pieces about 4 weeks ago and I don't have the money to fix it right now.  No problem, I have other ways to cook things, or so I thought.  When my oven door broke, I started looking up ways to cook without an oven.  I found oodles of yummy looking recipes for toaster ovens and crockpots and thought, "Surely I can make this work. "

For the past few weeks I have used both my crockpot and my toaster oven to make a few things, albeit they were very simple things, and so far it's worked great.  Enter my craving for chocolate baked goodies this weekend, and that's when the trouble started.  I thought I would just make cupcakes in my toaster oven, but I didn't have any pans small enough to fit in it (it's a small cheap one).  Then I remembered I had seen several recipes for crockpot chocolate cake.  Everyone kept saying how easy it was and how wonderful the cake had turned out.  This sounded like the answer to my predicament.  So, last night I gathered all the ingredients for my cake and set to work mixing and putting the batter on to bake. 

Now we hit the disaster part of the story.  None of the recipes said that I had to leave the lid on my crockpot in order for the cake to cook faster.  I had left the lid off because it still smelled of my last crockpot dish, an italian sausage cabbage stew.  I don't know about you, but I'm not really a fan of cabbage and chocolate together and I didn't want my cake to taste like cabbabe stew.  So, I left the lid off and figured it wouldn't really matter all that much.  I was wrong.  After 3.5 hours of cooking on 'high', the cake was still a puddle of chocolatey goo.  Hmm, perhaps I should have put the lid on.  I found a plate that would fit over the top of my crockpot and used it as a lid.  After another hour and a half the cake was pretty much done, but it still had some wet spots.  By this time it was 11:30 and I was exhausted.  I figured I could unplug the crockpot but leave the lid on and the cake would finish cooking without burning.

When I woke up this morning I went to check on my cake experiment.  The cake was done baking but it was extremely tough to cut.  I managed to saw a piece out and could tell right away that it was very dense and not quite right.  Overall, it tasted like a very heavy cake brownie that was chalky on the outer edge but almost gooey in the middle.  The middle part wasn't so bad, but the other two thirds you would have to eat through to get to it was terrible.  *Sigh*  I had ruined my cake.  I guess maybe it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.  Pros - I learned something new.  Cons - I still have not satisfied my craving for chocolate baked goods. 

I have no idea what specific thing I did wrong that made my cake such a disaster, but I'm guessing it probably isn't one specific thing and rather a myriad of things.   Perhaps it was the fact that I made the cake from scratch instead of using a box mix, as so many of the recipes suggested.  Perhaps it's that I used sifted flour for breads rather than the all-purpose flour the recipe called for.  Perhaps it's because I combined two recipes in order to use what was in my pantry rather than have to go to the store to buy something.  Perhaps it was the lid fiasco.  Perhaps it was the overnight baking.  See what I mean?  There are way too many possibilites to choose from.  Oh well.  At least I know where to start next time, if I can find the courage to try a next time.

The Next Big Thing

It's Saturday morning and I am finally enjoying a little bit of down time.  As per the usual, my down time results in me thinking up an hundred and one grand ideas but very little energy or motivation to get them done.  However, it's not all bad.  Usually one or two of my grand ideas manages to hang on and I do end up working on something.  My question this time is, what's the next big thing for me?  What area of my life do I focus on so that I can make a big difference in that area?  Over the past year I have found it very difficult to juggle all the things I am working on, all the roles in life I am trying to play, but recently, I feel like that has started to change.  I am starting to become more comfortable with my work and get into a routine there that allows me to meet my obligations and do my job well.  I am becoming more intentional about taking care of myself and managing my health.  I have somewhat of a handle, albeit a small one, on maintaining my house and taking care of providing good food for me and my husband.  There is still a TON of work for me to do, but I feel as though I am finally starting to get the hang of it.

So, what does that mean for my grand ideas?  Well, I don't know.  What I do know is that I work best when I have a project I am working on or I have a specific goal I am trying to attain.  I guess that's where my grand ideas come in.  Those grand ideas keep me going, they keep me moving and motivated to do more.  When I don't have any grand ideas, or things I am working on, I fall into being lazy and even depressed.  Working is good for me and working toward something that excites me is even better.  Grand ideas are a good thing.

That all being said, which of my grand ideas should I focus on next?  I don't have an answer for that question right now, but I do have an idea that will help me decide.  I've decided that the next thing I work on should be something I can blog about.  This blog helps me think through things and motivates me to do things, so it would act as a great support in helping me complete my next big scheme.  As for which scheme I should start next, here are a few of the ideas I have:

Trying new recipes each week that are healthy and budget friendly that I can also complete with my busy schedule

Organizing my house and trying new ways to streamline the process of home maintenance.

Writing movie, music and books reviews as an outlet to express myself

Writing about health trends and products that I have used or found useful

Resuming writing my book and making some good progress


These are all ideas that will take a lot of work on my part, yet I really would like to complete all of them.  However, I know that I can only tackle them one at a time.  That means I need to pick just one and focus on that.  Perhaps it should be the most pressing one or maybe the most exciting one. I don't know.  Let me get back to you on that.  In the meantime, if you have any preferences as to which idea you would like to see me posting about here on the blog, leave me a comment and let me know.  I would love the feedback!

Contradictions and An Apology

I've been reading through some of the old posts on my blog, and in doing so, I've noticed several things.  First, writing in one giant block of text is really not a good idea.  It makes it very difficult to read.  My apologies to any of you who have read or will read those posts.  Second, if you read through my blog from start to finish, you may notice some contradictions in things I said earlier versus things I've written more recently.  So, let me attempt to clarify those contradictions.

Over the years I have had this blog, my thought processes, my knowledge bank, and my experiences have changed.  As a result, some of my beliefs and ideas about things have changed.  I think that's a good thing.  Growth indicates that something is not now what it once was.  I like to think that since starting this blog I have grown.  As I have gone back and viewed some of the things I wrote, I find that I disagree with myself on certain viewpoints I had 5 or 6 years ago.  In particular, some of my views on dating and determining what a Godly life look like are very different.  I am not nearly as rigid about these things as I used to be.  Again, I view this as an indication of growth in my life.  My desire for this blog was to always be open and honest about what I was thinking or feeling and to put things out there for people to discuss.  In that spirit, I have decided not to remove or edit any of the posts that have content in them that could be considered as contradictory to my current views and beliefs.  I have no wish to hide what I once was.  Rather, I welcome the opportunity to be reminded of the growth and grace that has followed me on this journey.

In addition to wanting to clear up some things about my blog as a whole, I have something I want to say.  Reviewing my past posts has caused me to remember quite a few things, to relive moments and feelings.  That has led me to feel a need to extend an apology to a certain group of people.  There are those who knew me and were an intimate part of my past life who were the recipients of many harsh words and judgmental thoughts from me.  To that group of people in particular I wish to say this:

I am so very sorry for the words and actions I am responsible for that hurt or wounded you in any way.  I am sorry for the judgments I passed and for the missed opportunities to truly know you and love you.  I am sorry for the times I allowed legalism and an ungodly spirituality to control me and use me to hurt you and others around me.  I am sorry that I was not able to stand up for the weak and the oppressed among us, sorry that I allowed pride and arrogance to rule me rather than mercy and grace.  I am sorry for my part in continuing the work of an organization that abuses people and seeks to remove Jesus from His rightful place in people's lives.  I am sorry that I allowed feelings of spiritual elitism and self righteousness to fill me up and cause me to do harm to those around me.  If I have abused you, lied to you, harmed you, disrespected you, or mistreated you in any way, I am truly and deeply sorry and I ask for your forgiveness.

This is a bit of a somber post, I know, but it needed to be written.

Would I Change It If I Could?

Would I change it if I could? 
The tears I've cried, the hurts I've felt
All the pain and constant fears
The scars I wear and always will

Would I change it if I could?
The haunting memories good and bad
Thoughts that swirl and fill my head
Feelings I can't or won't escape
Questions I have and always will

Would I change it if I could?
The times and experiences I've had
The things I've seen, the ways I've felt
The roads not taken, opportunities lost
The journeys I've had and those yet to be

Would I change it if I could?
The perspectives I've lost or gained
The strengths that I've found along the way
The lessons I've learned and those I've forgotten
The changes I've made and those I will make

Would I change it if I could? 
I once thought I knew, but now I wonder.

Fourteen Days of Love

Most people that know me well know that I am absolutely crazy about Valentine's Day.  Growing up, Valentine's Day was like Christmas for me.  Everyone exchanged little gifts and the day was filled with good feelings and expressions of love.  Being a person who craves loves in any and every form, the day seemed perfect for me.  That being said, I spent many Valentine's Days feeling sad and depressed.  It seemed on far too many occasions that my love was never quite reciprocated and I was left feeling lonely and unlovable.

Somehow, that all changed for me several years ago, and I began celebrating Valentine's Day as an opportunity to express the love and appreciation I had for others.  I like to think that I began celebrating the true spirit of Valentine's Day. I wrote letters to my best friends and loved ones that mimicked the famous letters of Saint Valentine, and I would giddy with excitement planning new ways to express my love for those closest to me.

I am still like that today.  While I don't write nearly as many letters as I used to or spend quite as much money as I used to, I still love Valentine's Day and look forward to it as a day to honor and appreciate all those people I am blessed to have as a part of my life.  This year, is no different.  I started anticipating Valentine's Day in January, started planning what I would do and how it would all happen.  I was stoked!

Then, some things happened that led me to ponder how I was going to celebrate Valentine's Day at all, much less do it in a great way.  In my pondering I stumbled across a really great idea someone else had posted on a blog.  Why not use all 14 days leading to the day to celebrate those you love, and why not do it in simple ways?  Don't make the day about spending money buying extravagant gifts; make it about expressing your love in ways that really count.  So began my journey of 14 Days of Love. 

Now, I have a lot of people in my life that I really love, but this journey was an experiment and I get easily overwhelmed.  So, I picked one person to focus on this year, and if all goes well, maybe there will be more next year.  The person I picked was, of course, my own Mr. Darcy.  Outside of my commitment to God, my husband comes first in my life.  In addition, while most people may not know this, my husband is going through some of the most difficult times in his life.  His day-to-day life is grueling and pretty much thankless at this point.  He gives of himself constantly and asks for little to nothing in return.  Because of his crazy busy schedule, we don't get to see each other much, which means supporting him in his hard work is that much more difficult for me to do; but this new challenge, this experiment was the perfect way for me to do more.

Starting on February 1st, I have found ways, big and small, to let my husband know how much I love him, how much he means to me.  So far, there hasn't been anything extravagant, except maybe for breakfast in bed last Saturday, and I haven't spent an extra dime (mostly because I don't have any extras ;) ) on expressing my love to him.  Everything I have done has been simple and mostly done myself (e-cards excepted).  We are 5 days in and I can tell you that the joy and happiness I see on Mr. Darcy's face, the love I hear in his voice, are worth every bit of scheming, planning, and self-sacrifice it has taken to implement this plan.  Now that I only have 9 nine days left, I find myself sorry that I don't have more.  What a wonderful opportunity to love on my husband!  I think I'm more excited than he is to see what the next 9 days hold!

I'm sure there are those of you reading this are wondering how any of this applies to you or should be interesting in the slightest to you.  Well, here's something for you to think about.  How much would you change the life of someone around you if you took 14 days, 10, days, 5 days, whatever, to express to them how much they mean to you?  How much would you change your life by giving of yourself to love on someone else?  I can't answer those questions for you, but I can say there would most definitely be a change, and it would be a change for the better.  I know it has been for me.