10 Years

Ten years.  It’s been ten years since my life changed dramatically.  Ten years ago I woke up before dawn to pack and then load three bags of my belongings into my sister’s car.  Three bags was all I could take at the time and I knew I might not be able to retrieve the rest of my stuff for a while, so I tried to choose as wisely as I could.  I needed to get the bags loaded before my sisters and I left later that morning so no one would ask me what I was doing.  I managed to get my bags out of the house and then had to carry them on two separate trips on the bus to my job, where I stashed them in a back storage room until that evening when I left work.
Ten years ago today, at about 6 o’clock in the evening, I made a phone call I never dreamed I would make.  My hands trembled as I dialed a number I had known by heart since I was at least five.  I was physically sick to my stomach and went to the bathroom several times thinking I was going to vomit. Eventually, I went into a stairwell on the outer edge of the library my job was housed in, sat on the steps, and leaned against the cold concrete wall for support as I told my oldest sister I wasn’t coming home.  I was calling to let her know so that my family didn’t worry about me.  She wanted to talk about it; I didn’t.  It was a short call and I hung up with her still attempting to get me to stay on the phone.
Ten years ago, I loaded my bags into the trunk of my friend’s car and started the drive to another friend’s house where I was going to be staying for a while.  On the drive, my phone take constantly - family members, friends, my mom.  They all wanted the same thing.  They wanted me to come back, to talk to them, to not make the decision I had already made.  I didn’t answer my phone.  I eventually turned it off.  As my friend and I drove, I began to talk more about what I was doing, about why I was choosing to leave behind the life I had known for the last 27 years.  As talked, more and more words came tumbling out.  I was telling my stories - the stories of my childhood, the stories of my experiences, the stories of my hurt and pain.  It wasn’t long until the tears started coming too.  My friend pulled over into a parking lot and I sat and sobbed for almost an hour.
Ten years ago today, my friend drove me to an Applebee’s and we sat and talked for more than an hour as I began to reveal for the first time so many hidden secrets.  Ten years ago I walked away from an abusive community that used God and the Bible to control and manipulate people.  This was a life I was born into.  These were people I loved and had trusted.  This was a faith I had been taught to rely on.  The realization of what was truly happening and my coming to terms with the trauma and wounds I had suffered as a result of being part of this community had caused me to make the decision to leave it all behind and to start over.  Ten years ago I left everything I was, including the only identity I had ever had, and I began to build a new life.  There was no road map for me to follow and the entire world was an unfamiliar and scary place that I was walking into mostly alone.  It’s been a hard journey these past ten years, but it has been worth it.  If I had not walked away from that darkness 10 years ago, I would not have married Mr. Darcy, I would not have our beautiful daughter, and I would not be where I am today.  I am a healthier, happier person with a brighter outlook on life than I ever was as a member of that community.  Today, I am remembering where I came from and the journey I started ten years ago.  May I never forget where I came from, those who have helped me in my journey to freedom, and the many ways in which my pain and sorrow has been redeemed.  Happy Freedom Anniverary to me!

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I sat down and blogged.  I've wanted to so many times but have not had the energy or the time to do so.  I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I like to have my ideas cemented firmly before I sit down to write about them.  This is probably the single greatest reason I have not blogged in more than a year.  Lord knows I have had plenty to blog about.  A lot has changed since I last published a post here.  The most noticeable change is that I am now a mother.  There is a lot to unpack with just that one reality, and perhaps that's why I have forced myself to sit down and do what I have been wanting to do for months - write about it.  There are other changes in my life and there are still multiple ideas and thoughts that I am wrestling with, and I want to write about all of them.  So, here I am starting to use this special space again; a space I have come to for more than 10 years to talk about, think about, and process this journey called life.  For those of you who may still be following this blog, I hope you at least enjoy the wanderings and musings of my mind, but mostly I hope they will challenge you, comfort you, and cause you to ask your own questions.