First Full Day

Yesterday was my first full day all by myself here in Colorado and it was adventurous. I arrived here on Saturday and spent that day and Sunday unloading boxes and sending off my future father-in-law and my fiance. I was most sad to see them go. Saying goodbye to my love was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I certainly tried hard not to cry but despite my I valiant efforts the tears started rolling down my cheeks and my love had to brush them away as he gave me one last hug goodbye. Monday morning dawned bright and sunny and I started my day by eating a good breakfast and brewing some yummy coffee. Being just moved in I don't have internet access in my place yet, so I packed my laptop up and headed for the grocery store down the street. Mr. Darcy and I had found the day before that they offered free WiFi and this would be my internet spot until I had my own. Once there I spent a couple of hours finding out what I could about internet providers and looking up all the locations of the places I needed to go and mapping out my travel plans for the day. I then walked about two miles to the bank. While walking I called a friend from back home and chatted about my trip here and the occurrences of the past two days. When not on the phone I was enjoying the absolutely gorgeous weather here and the beautiful countryside. Yes, I think I may be falling in love with Colorado. Once at the bank I took care of what I needed to and started trekking down the street to a transit center to catch a bus home. It started to rain on me and I decided I better not make the walk. Better to catch a bus and just transfer, which is what I did. However, in between buses I stood in the rain and got a bit wet, but it wasn't bad. I was enjoying the storm. It reminded me of the monsoons in Tucson. The bus took me home and I spent the evening unpacking boxes. I found that the drawers in my kitchen are in bad need of contact paper before I put anything in them, and the cabinets are only slightly better. So, I will be waiting a few days before I put the kitchen things away. Hopefully my dad will come visit me this weekend and I can get a few things I need. I haven't been working now for a little over two weeks and that means money is super tight, so I am learning to live with only that which is completely necessary. It's an adventure! ;) Last night when it was time to go to bed I finally felt the first real loneliness I had felt since leaving home. I had talked to my dad for an hour on the phone and had had short conversations with Mr. Darcy throughout the evening, but it wasn't the same as seeing people. It was dark and cold and rainy outside. The wind was blowing very hard and the house was making creaky noises. I wanted nothing more than to crawl up in the arms of my love and just stay there, but that is not possible right now. So, I called him instead and after talking to him for an hour I finally fell asleep. Over all it was a good day. I know the loneliness will come and go as I adjust to life in a new place but I can't think of a better place to start a new life. Things here are beautiful and the people are very nice, at least up to this point. It's also been amazing to see how God has taken care of me in ways I could not have possibly foreseen. Everything I need is almost right next door to me. Almost as soon as I think of a store or a service I need I find that there is some place just around the corner that has what I need. Yes, being here has been and will continue to be an adventure, but I am enjoying it and I am excited to see what will happen. I will keep you posted!

Papers

It's late and I should be in bed, but instead I am sorting through old mail, papers and cards. As I pore over things deciding what to keep and what to toss I find myself reminiscing. Many of the cards bring back memories; some good and some sad. There are sympathy cards from when my grandmother died almost two years ago, birthday cards from years ago that don't say much more than "Happy Birthday" on them, and notes from friends and classmates that recall to my mind times of fun and laughter. Then there are the cards from my family. Various notes that tell me how much they love me, that make me smile because they are corny but cute in only a way that cards from family can be, notes that try to make a point that vocalized words cannot quite make. Here, surrounded by this "stuff" I find myself becoming very emotional. Perhaps it is the memories of the relationships that I miss so much or perhaps it is the reminder of why my life is so complicated. Who knows. Life right now is indeed very complicated. It is difficult, stressful, exciting and bittersweet all at the same time. Yet, through it all I try to maintain a composure that says to the world, and particularly those around me, that everything is alright, I am fine, life is great. I want to be that strong person that I think I am and hope others believe I am. There is no room for broken hearts and tears in a world that keeps moving despite how you are feeling. Still, in the midst of all my papers as no one else is watching, with the reading of each card, the tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks. My heart swells and aches for so many things and mourns the loss of so much more. I am sure there are those that would wonder at my sanity at this moment, but I don't care. I am tired of holding everything together, of pretending I am made of steel and cannot be moved. I am tired of pretending that my heart is not broken in a million pieces when it has been shattered seemingly beyond repair. I am tired of the thoughts that haunt me and the knowledge that won't let me be. I am tired of asking "why?" and wondering if I will ever know. Most of all I tired of unhappiness and misfortune crowding my life and filling every area. I am thankful for the tears and the emotion that surges over me. I am grateful I can still feel. Somehow my tears have been a bit of release for me and now I am breathing better and feeling alright. I will go to bed and feel better in the morning. Life will carry on. The sun will rise and set and eventually I will be able to see each new day as a blessing and I will no longer have to pretend everything is great because it really will be. Yes, some day soon things will change; I hope.

Help

When you need help it seems it is the hardest thing in the world to ask. You know absolutely you need it, know that things will not get better until you get it, but still you hesitate to ask. Then, when you do ask it seems as though it will take a million years until you finally see any results. Why is that? Why do we humans feel so reluctant to ask for help in the first place, even when it is inconceivable that we would not need it? Perhaps it is because we do not want to appear weak and unable to handle things on our own. For me it is a matter of independence. I don't want to others to think that I am incapable of doing things on my own and I don't want to admit to myself that I am incapable of doing everything on my own. Alas, I must admit that I do indeed need help and quite a bit of it. I find myself at a point in my life when I feel most helpless to do anything about the things that fill my life, the matters that control my thoughts and actions. I find myself feeling as though I have stumbled into a giant vortex that keeps my thoughts, emotions, and feelings constantly spinning, never stopping. I find it hard to remember which side is up and which is down except that I know when the dread becomes the greatest and the feelings of absolute helplessness are at their peak I am assured that I am headed towards the bottom and further from the top. Yet, amidst all this churning and swirling I find it hard to reach out and ask for help. Maybe it is the shame and embarrassment I feel at admitting I need help and lots of it at the present moment, or maybe it is fear that keeps me so locked up-fear that others might judge me, might not understand where I am coming from, might reject me. Of course I know that fear is not a good reason to do anything, nor is shame, but I still find myself hesitant. I wish this were not so. I wish that asking for and receiving help were easy, but they are not. I am not even sure which is harder to do, realize you need the help or asking for it. I have realized I need it. It is a monster I can no longer run from, no longer rationalize away. It stares me in the face morning, noon and night. I have faced that fact head on and now I am grappling with the task of asking. I have timidly set one foot forward and will continue to force one in front of the other on this road that looks to be long and tedious in duration, but it is a hard task. Ironically, I don't do it for myself, I do it for those I love. I know that my pain, my suffering, my trials affect those closest to me and in order to protect them I am continuing this battle with the demons that haunt me and relentlessly try to drag me down. I know that there will never be any peace for them until I have peace. It might not be the greatest reason to ask for help but it is what is motivating me at the moment. I don't want to risk the relationships I have by being stubborn and refusing to acknowledge that I am human and I am in need of assistance for things. So, here it is, as clear as I can make it. I need help to cope with the past that I wish were not so, and I am asking for it. Now, I hope and pray that is enough, or at any rate a start.