Breathing

Well, I survived yesterday and I'm feeling much better about today. The Lord was so good to me and sent me just the right person to talk to. I still have an hundred and one questions rolling around in my head but I have peace now too. It's that peace that passes all understanding and calms your soul in the midst of the fiercest storms. I don't know what today or tomorrow hold for me but I do know the One Who holds both of them and He does love me and want the best for me. I know that if I keep my gaze fixed on Him and trust Him He will carry me through and accomplish His will.
I also received some pretty sad news yesterday and that has kept me pretty preoccupied. It's not devastating news, but it is sad. It's always funny to me to see how I will react to things. I thought I had myself and my emotions in this situation pretty much under control but for some reason I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face last night. I think it was probably a release for me because I hadn't done that in a while and in this particular situation it was a lot of emotions to keep pent up, so I am glad for the release. Just wish I could learn to do it without crying.
To sort of sum up my life at this moment: I'm having some hard struggles, I am experiencing loss, and I am learning to lean on the Everlasting Arms more than ever before in my life.

HELP!

What's in my mind? What is going on in my head? What am I thinking or can I even call this thinking? There is definitely no rationality to it. AHHHHHH!!!!! I can't get it to stop. I want to throw caution to the wind, I want to be extremely impulsive, I want to do something drastic. I feel like I'm trapped and the only way out it to blow something up. But then, there is a still small voice inside my head that keeps telling me not to do something stupid, to just wait, hold myself back and wait because things will work out. How do you kill your thoughts and trust that still small voice? I can only think of two things that will help me. I must remind myself that I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me and I am not supposed to give up in dong the right thing because in the end I will have all the benefits I want if I don't give up. But, oh, how hard that is and of very little comfort to me at this moment. Gotta fix my gaze ahead, gotta not look behind or beside me, gotta endure.

The Last Four Days

I have been in East Texas for that past four days and it was quite the adventure. I drove there with my seven siblings. A 20 hour drive with all of us in one vehicle -- imaging all the "fun" we had! Actually, it was a pretty good time. There were a lot of laughs, some grumpiness, and a whole lot of sleeping to waste away the time. When we got to our destination we spent two days with my massive family. There were at least 40 members of my family that we said hello to and visited with. At the end of each day we were exhausted just from talking all day. But, it was a good trip. It was really nice to be back in East Texas. The weather was beautiful and the green trees and grass was a nice switch from the Tucson scenery. It was nice to walk down the street, recalling all the summers I spent there. Of course, I learned that walking was not something the locals do. After my second walk down the main city streets I fond out why. My sisters and I had more cat calls and men stopping their cars to talk to us than we ever do in Tucson. So much for a sweet small Southern town! It was really nice to see all my family members again and catch up with everyone on what they had been doing over the past few years. The nicest part of the trip was that fact that I wasn't at work. It always amazes me how God works. My trip wasn't a joy ride by any means, but it did provide an opportunity for some breathing space that I desperately needed and couldn't have come at a more opportune time. Besides, I found some awesome chocolate while I was there and that will keep me happy for at least the next few weeks. All kidding aside, I was afraid the trip would end up being a sad one but the Lord was more than gracious, He spared me and my family from a devastating heartache, and He gave time to spend with each other away from the crazy everyday norm of our lives. I really enjoyed myself, had several really good laughs, shed a few tears, got lots and lots of hugs (yea!!!!), and was happy to return home last night. So, now I am facing the week with a bit more encouragement than I've had in a while and I am hoping things will remain at least calm enough to deal with on a rational level. = ]

What's Up

Just when you think you have a handle on life things get even more hectic than they were. Last week things were super crazy for me. I finally had enough of my boss's craziness and decided to do something about it, I ran into numerous problems with the program I am using for my research, and my relationship issues seemed to be something I just couldn't get a handle on. Then, over the weekend thing calmed down. I regained my composure, took a deep breath and was ready to plunge in again this week, but starting with Monday then went haywire again. The problems at work that started last week carried over to this week and then I found out some bad news from my family. Now I am looking at going on a sudden trip that will last at least three days. I packed early this morning, never tell a woman she has an hour to pack for three days, and then I went to work. To be honest the time off from work would be nice given the environment there hasn't exactly been pleasant, but the circumstances which have called me away are not pleasant in the slightest. So, I am essentially leaving a horrible situation to enter one that brings me no joy and will be hard to deal with. I guess that is how life is sometimes. It runs in cycles, some good areas and some bad.

Morning Came

Truly God is so good. He met me today and turned all my sorrow into joy. I went to church wanting so desperately to experience the presence of God and He met me there. It was AWESOME and so incredibly amazing. It was just what I need. The songs so minstered to me. Here is a sample of the words that touched me:
A mighty fortress is our God; a bulwark never failing.
Our helper He amid the flood; of mortal ills prevailing.
For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe.
His craft and power are great and armed with cruel hate;
On earth is not his equal.
Did we in our own strength confide our striving would be losing.
Were not the right Man on our side; the Man of God's own choosing.
Doth ask who that may be? Christ Jesus it is He.
Lord Sabaoth His name from age to age the same,
And He must win the battle.

God is our refuge and strength, a present help in time of trouble.
Though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea
Though the waters roar and foam, we will not fear.

Fear not, my child, I'm with you always.
I feel every pain and every tear I see.
Fear not my child, I'm with you always.
I know how to care for what belongs to me.

When my way grows drear, Precious Lord, linger near.
When my life is almost gone, hear my cry, hear my call
Take my hand, Lord, lest I fall.
Take my hand, Precious Lord, and lead me home.
Precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, help me stand.
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn.
Through the storms and through the night lead me on to the light.
Take my hand, Precious Lord and lead me on.

Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord
To the cross where Thou hast died.
Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord
To Thy precious bleeding side.

Jesus is with me when the storm clouds gather.
He's standing by my side when I hear the thunder roll.
He holds my hand when I begin to tremble
When the winds of this world get to blowing strong.

Christ is the Rock on which I stand.
He keeps me safe from the sinking sand.
He pulls me up from the miry clay.
Christ is the Rock, He is the way.

The rest of the service was pretty great as well and my day was filled with the goodness of the Lord. It is always so great to experience the Lord coming to meet you just when you need Him most. I am so thankful and glad He never leaves us or forsakes us. He is always faithful and His love is always sure. He has met me in my time of need once again and I have renewed ability to face life.

Right Now

I know I haven't really posted anything personal or about me specifically in a while. To be very honest, I haven't had much I could post. My world came crashing down around me a week and a half ago I have spent the last 10 days trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together so that I can have some sort of life. I guess, having never experienced truly loving someone and wanting more than anything in the world to spend the rest of my life with them, I never knew the power such strong emotions had. I have pretty much ceased to exist since that horrible evening when everything came to a screeching halt. I have been a shell of a person who still looks very much real and carries on as though things are all right but inside me there is only a broken heart and hurt that seems to never stop. I keep telling myself to take one day at a time and eventually everything will be fine, but my heart has refused to believe what my head is trying to say. Living this life has become merely a cycle to follow, a routine to get lost in in hopes that the distraction will offer at least some relief from the torment that plagues me night and day. I am not even mad at the person. I still love him more than words can say. In fact, it is maddening to me that he has to see my hurt and that makes him feel bad. I don't want him to hurt and I don't want to hurt him. I just wish somehow I could rewind the clock and cause things to turn out differently. But what would I change? I can't think of anything drastic that I could do to change the outcome and that is frustrating to me. My head hurts from trying to understand everything, my eyes hurt from crying continuously, and my heart hurts from caring too much. My only real source of comfort right now is my Jesus. He has been so wonderful, so loving to me right now. His words are what sustain me day to day; His touch is what keeps me going when I know I can't take one more step forward. I never dreamed life could be this hard, but I have one promise that I am holding onto with everything in me: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Oh, Lord, how I wish it was morning!

A Good Read

I've been reading a lot lately and yesterday I was reading a chapter out of one of the books I am reading. The subject matter was on serving God and how to do that in your life. I really enjoyed what I was reading and the author was making some very good points. Imagine my surprise last night when I stumbled onto a website on which someone was writing on the very same topic, saying almost the exact same thing. The website was really good and I decided to post something from it here.

New Testament Christianity: The Heart of the Matter

". . .Why do you not know how to interpret the present time?" (Luke 12:56)

Long term readers of my commentaries are well aware that the twin passions of my life are: 1) the desperate need to recover the truth about America's Christian heritage, and 2) the even more desperate need for a nation-wide revival of the Christian faith.
As I was doing a radio interview over the phone today, the interviewer and I were talking about the general spiritual condition of America's churches. My impression, gleaned from what I read in magazines and newsletters, hear on TV and radio, and pick up from various conversations with people, is that there is a dangerously shallow level of understanding about what it means to be a Christian in our churches these days. I have been doing preaching and teaching missions on Christian growth and maturity for over 35 years, and I am afraid that there might well be less understanding about true New Testament Christianity now than there was three decades ago! And yet, I hear these ridiculous claims that we are experiencing revival in America! Now, maybe some folks are experiencing revival in their congregation, or even in their city, but as for nation-wide revival---it ain't happenin' yet, folks!
"Well then," you might ask, "what is true New Testament Christianity? Where would you start to define that?"
"I'm glad you asked that," I would respond. And this would be my answer:
Becoming a Christian can never be properly understood as long as that is defined as getting God's forgiveness just for particular sins. That is only a part of the issue, and it is not the primary part, either. Yet, it seems to be the focus of so much fundamentalist and/or evangelical preaching. Other churches, especially some main-line denominational ones, but also some charismatic fellowships, seem to virtually ignore the issue of sin, and put their emphasis either on having some kind of intellectual "belief" relationship with Christ, or on making some sort of all-too-vague personal commitment to Him as Savior and Lord. In either case, that's supposed to take care of becoming a Christian. But, it doesn't BEGIN to take care of it. You see, the horrible danger in people being allowed to think this way is that either they don't take sin seriously at all, or, if they can't find very many of the Biblical list of sins that they have committed they are then under the delusion that they are "ok" with God, that somehow they are more acceptable to Him than the people who have racked up a large score on the list. Wrong on both scores. God takes our sins very seriously.
But, He's even more concerned about our sinfulness.
What's really involved in God making a Christian out of me? What's involved is that I have a far more basic problem than the sins I have committed. The real problem with me, and you, and everybody, is that we each have a fallen sinful nature. We inherited it, from our parents, and their parents. . . and the inheritance stretches all the way back to the First Parents. We didn't have anything to do with this heredity problem---we didn't make a choice about it, one way or the other. But, in spite of the fact that we didn't choose it, God's Word says that we are all "children of wrath" by nature (Ephesians 2:3)---that is, we are by nature under God's judgment, separated from Him. That means that we are not naturally children of God, in contrast to the saying you hear all the time: "we're all children of God." No, we are not! John 1:12 tells us we have to become children of God.
And yet, God commands us to be holy: "You shall be holy, as the Lord your God is holy" (Lev. 20:7; 1 Peter 1:16). That is literally an impossible commandment for any human being to pull off on his or her own---totally beyond the realm of possibility. Nonetheless, there it stands. All that commandment, and the equally impossible teaching of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount, can do is to create despair in the natural, non-born again person. But, that's really the point---we are supposed to come to the end of ourselves, so that we'll be ready to hear the Good News of a loving God's solution.
People simply do not understand, because it's not preached today, that this loving God is still utterly serious about this business of holiness and righteousness. He hasn't changed the ground rules just because we're in the 21st Century. So, here is this impossible commandment, and our total inability to meet it. What can we do?
First, holiness from God's point of view has much more to do with our nature than it does with particular sins. You have to be born again to become a child of God. Jesus bluntly states that in John 3:3: "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God."
That is something no one can manage---it is totally supernatural, above and beyond natural capabilities. God Himself has to do this for us; we can do nothing to accomplish this.
What this literally means is that Jesus has to put His own nature into us---that's what it means to be born again. God cannot accept sin or sinfulness in His presence. He is Holiness and Righteousness itself, and sin simply cannot physically exist in the presence of His all-consuming Holiness. But, He can accept us with the presence of His Son's nature in us, as a substitution for our sinful and fallen nature. In other words, He can accept the nature of His Son in us---and that sinless nature makes us holy in God's sight. We can only be holy "in the Lord," or better said, we can only be holy because the Lord is in us. That is why the Bible says, "Christ in you (is) the hope of glory" (Colossians 1:27).
How do I enter into this condition of having the nature of Jesus Christ in me? I have to come to the realization that I need a nature transplant, a transfusion of the nature of Christ into my human spirit. Will I still have my fallen, sinful nature? Yes, until the day I die. It doesn't just magically disappear. But, it will no longer have power over me. The nature of Jesus Christ is stronger, the blood that Jesus Christ shed on Calvary's Cross is stronger, than anything in my nature.
I become born again by admitting my great need to Jesus, and in a conscious, verbal, and open surrender of myself to Him, ask Him to put His nature into me. At the same time, I openly and verbally confess to Jesus that I am choosing to believe that He died on that Cross for me personally---to forgive my sins and redeem my sinfulness. And, I tell God the Father that I receive His forgiveness, won by Jesus' death for me---forgiveness for my sins (confessing out loud the ones the Holy Spirit of God brings to my remembrance) and for my sinfulness.
There's one more thing I also need to do at this same time, and that is to tell Jesus that I receive Him into my heart as my Savior and my Lord. That means that I confess to Him that there is absolutely nothing I can do to save myself---that is to make myself acceptable to God, because of my sin problem. I now realize that He alone is my Savior, and I tell Him so. Further, I tell Him that I receive Him as my Lord, which means that I am surrendering the control of my life into His hands, and promise to seek Him from this time forward in all decisions.
In becoming a Christian I am giving up my self-dependency, and becoming dependent on the life of another---Jesus Christ.
Now, those of you who have already done all this may feel that you have learned nothing new from this commentary so far. But, hang on! There is an important revelation for those of us who call ourselves Christians.
If becoming a Christian is a matter of receiving the nature of Jesus Christ into us, then relying on the nature of Jesus Christ is also the only way to live the Christian life. Christ in me is just as much the only hope of glory after I have been regenerated as it was before. As Christians we have to learn to rely on the indwelling spirit of Jesus to be able to live the Christian life. Because God has put a new nature within me, the nature of Jesus Christ, I can obey Him and live according to His will. But, I am going to have to learn how to rely on the nature of Jesus, and not my own efforts.
Far too many of us Christians understand that we have to be supernaturally born again to become Christians, but then we proceed to try and live the Christian life as if it depended on our own efforts, with a little bit of prayer added. In this kind of scenario, self and self-effort is still in the center---we have not yet learned how to rely on Jesus power in us; we haven't yet learned how to call on Him for everything we need throughout the day.
For example, I am not trying to write this commentary on my own. It's not a matter of whether I think I can manage it without His help. Of course I could write it without His help. But that's not the point. I want it to be the way He wants it; I want it to be His thoughts and words, not just mine. I want it to glorify Him; I want it to be used by Him to accomplish His purposes in readers' lives. So, I am writing it in an attitude of prayer---asking Him to help me with it, line by line.
What if we lived like this 24/7 ? I certainly don't yet, and I'll bet you don't either. But, we could.
If living the Christian life depends upon a reliance on the Spirit of Jesus within us, then we need to realize that His teachings about living the Christian life take for granted that we will rely on Him. Here's the new revelation about this, which I never quite understood in these exact terms until now: His impossibly difficult teachings, about loving your enemies for example, are meant to apply to His life within us. Jesus in me can love my enemies, Jesus in me can love the homeless, or the murderer, or the homosexual---or whatever it is that you or I find impossible to do on our own. The Sermon on the Mount is not meant to be a code of Law that we find impossible to obey, even with the help of prayer. It is meant to be seen as the standard of Kingdom life, to be accomplished by Jesus in me, as I yield to Him and seek to operate by His power and love.
In the Gospels, when Peter asks Jesus how many times he must forgive his enemies, and generously offers the number seven as a possible limit to his forgiveness, Jesus shocks him by telling him that he must forgive seven times seventy---470 times! Is this an impossible legal demand that Jesus has just laid on Peter? No! Jesus knows that only He can forgive like that, and so does Peter! But, after Peter is filled with the Spirit of Jesus on the Day of Pentecost, Peter comes to find out that Jesus can and will exercise that kind of forgiveness in and through him. I'm sure that Peter experienced that when they ended his earthly life by crucifying him upside down, if the legend is accurate.
These realizations bring the very real prospect that ordinarily sinful folks like us can learn to live out our Christian discipleship by relying on the real presence and power of Jesus in our hearts. And then, His righteousness and holiness can become real in our lives. That's "amazing grace"! --- Peter J. Marshall

Part 2

I know it's been two days since I posted the first part of this post. Sorry. Life has been on the interesting side. So, without further ado here is part 2:

The greatest need in the church of God today is that those who profess and call themselves Christians should have a life which backs up the message. "As he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation" (I Peter 1:15). When we remember that the word "conversation" means "conduct and manner of living" we find ourselves back to Colossians 2:6: "As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him."
It is essential that my life should be pure and holy - essential, not optional. If I allow sin, failure, defeat and any other of the "old things" to dominate in my daily walk, then I am limiting God from beginning to end. If I go on doing this in spite of His warning, I will make a farce of my Christian walk, a fool of myself and a friend of the devil.
We have been thinking . . . of the tragedy of limiting God in what He can do for us. We have considered Deuteronomy 6:23 where it is recorded that God "brought us out . . . that he might bring us in." Verse 24 goes on to say: "And the Lord commanded us to do all these statutes . . . for our good always." The whole plan and purpose of God is "for our good always". God never limits His blessing to us. The measure of God's unlimited desire to give is recorded for us in Malachi 3:10:
"Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse . . . prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will no open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it!
How God longs to give! Listen to God's longing for us recorded in Deuteronomy 5:29:
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever!
The tragedy of missing the blessing, of limiting God's goodness, is that it comes through our own disobedience.

Limiting God

I have some more things I want to post that are from the same author I have been posting from. Hope you can get something from them. Part 1

God gave a gift - His Son - and I accepted that gift. I received Jesus Christ. Not only did I believe His work, but I accepted His Person. God's salvation isn't a place or a passage. It is a Person. So Colossians 2:6 tells us, "As ye have received . . . so walk." How did I receive Christ? I received Him by faith and with empty hands. I did nothings toward my salvation - "not by works of righteousness which we have done" (Titus 3:5). I simply realized my need, believed God's answer to my need, and accepted Christ as my Saviour. The moment I accepted Him I was saved, delivered out of Egypt's bondage (a world that held us bondage to sin) by the shed blood of Christ. Also, I was in Christ, and because I was in Christ, I became a new creature.
Now that is perfectly true positionally and potentially, but very often it is not true practically. What I failed to do was to go on - to walk as I had received. I thought that because I had received Jesus as my Saviour, that was that. My sins were forgiven, I was saved, so now I had to be a good boy and live the Christian life. But that is where I got stuck in the wilderness, wandering and limiting God. I thought it was up to me now to live a good life, doing my best to serve Him - but nothing ever seemed to happen. I spent many years wandering in the desert. I wasn't in Egypt any more. I had been delivered, but I found it rather miserable, and sometimes monotonous living in the wilderness. Sometimes I came upon a little oasis which was very thrilling, but it only served to make me long for more such places.
Then one day God opened this verse to me. As I had received Christ Jesus, in just the same way I had to walk, day by day, in Him. I had to walk in Him, not in the wilderness. Jesus Christ is Canaan (the Promised Land). God brought me out so that He could bring me in - in Christ. Praise God, I had discovered the secret of progress. In His mercy, God let me see the simplicity of the whole thing. I just have to walk, receiving. When I came first, I received Christ. Now as I walk day by day, I continue to receive Him. He is all I need. He is made unto me all I can ever want.
So now my daily Christian life is a moment by moment experience of receiving Christ. Whatever problem, fear, anxiety, temptation or frustration comes into my life, it isn't my job to meet it. My job is to expose the whole situation to Christ Jesus the Lord, and then to walk believing that what He has promised H will also perform.
That is what God means when He says in II Corinthians 5:17 that "old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." So many of us are positionally and potentially new creatures in Christ, but practically we are still doing the old things, still wandering in the wilderness and getting nowhere. But all things can become new if only we will walk day by day, moment by moment, receiving "all that He is, for all that I need."
---- John E. Hunter ----- Limiting God

Living Sacrifice Continued

This is part 2 of what I started posting yesterday:

The sacrifice that I present to God - that is my whole self - must have three characteristics. It must be living, holy, acceptable. If I have made this threefold sacrifice, then I will prove the will of God to be threefold - good, acceptable, perfect. The trinity of presentation brings a trinity of proof.
If my sacrifice, my presentation of myself, is living, alert, ready and fully prepared, then the will of God will always be good to me. The mercy of God that gave me life will lead me always to expect nothing but good from such a Heavenly Father. Because I now live, He can be nothing but goodness to me.
If the presentation of myself to God is holy, then whatever His will may be, it will be acceptable to me. The word "holy" here means separate, set apart for God, and the word "acceptable" means well-pleasing. Thus if I am truly set apart for God and His purposes, whatever His will may be, it is well-pleasing to me.
If my offering is acceptable, then I will find His will to be perfect. "Acceptable" again means well-pleasing, and "perfect" here means complete, with nothing missing. How appropriate this third part is then. If I am well-pleasing to God, His will will be complete, nothing will be missing. Thus, if I present myself, I will most surely prove His will to be good, well-pleasing and complete. And so it will come to pass that my prepared heart, ready always to do His will, will never limit the purpose and counsels of God.
Another truth we find in Romans 12:1,2, is that "presentation leads to transformation." As I present my body, living, holy, acceptable to God, the command then comes in verse 2, "Be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed." This transformation is not something I can do myself. I can only be transformed by the renewing of my mind - or as the Amplified Version says, "by the [entire] renewal of your mind - by its new ideals and its new attitude."
This is the cost of having a prepared heart.
--- John E. Hunter ----

On Being A Living Sacrifice

I read something really good and I thought I would spend the next few posts sharing it with you. So, here is part 1:

"Maximum possible preparation" - that is how you and I ought to be in relation to God. Not that when faced with an opportunity of service for Him, we consider it and think about it then and there. But that we have a heart which has been properly prepared right from the start. We have faced Romans 12:1 and on our knees we have come to the only possible decision. From that moment we. . .are fully prepared, awaiting only the word of command. The tragedy is that so many Christians have dodged the issue at the start. They never said "Yes" and they never said "No". There was just a hazy indecision which meant but one thing, an unprepared heart. So, as always, God was limited because they were unprepared.
Let us bring this verse into the open and face up to it, once and for all. "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service." We should first of all realize what it doesn't mean. To present my body a living sacrifice doesn't mean giving a little more to the offering in church. Nor does it mean going to church more often. Nor does it mean being a better man or woman. Neither does it mean going to Bible College, or to the mission field, or becoming a pastor, or a Christian worker. It means exactly what it says.
I must first of all consider the mercies of God to me - how good He has been to me, how HE has saved me from a lost eternity, how He has made it possible for me, at the end of this very short earthly life, to be with Him in a place of perfection - a new heaven where there is no hunger, no separation, no pain, no sorrow and no sin. This blessed place will be my home for eternity! How amazing are the mercies of God, when all the time I might have been left in my sin to go to a Christless eternity of separation from God. I should think on these things until, "by the mercies of God" and because of His everlasting goodness, I kneel before Him to say, "thank you."
But my feeling of gratitude is such that words are not enough. Instead of speaking, I present myself to God. I present not only my time, my talents, but my very self, with words like this: "O Heavenly Father, my heart is full of gratitude for all Your goodness to me. I am only a poor wretched sinner, and yet You have made me Your child. You have received me into Your family and into Your everlasting Kingdom. Now, O God, I present myself as a living sacrifice to You, for You to use, as and where You will. My heart is prepared, O God, my hands are off my life. I am ready waiting Your command. For Christ's sake. Amen."
If we are honest about the whole thing, this is the only possible decision to make. As Paul puts it, this is "your reasonable service." (How unreasonable some of us are!) Having made that decision, having presented our bodies in one solemn act of dedication, we may arise and go forward with a prepared heart. We are then in a position of permanent availability, so that God can call on us at any time, and under any circumstances. When the opportunity arises for witness or service, the question of what we should do need never arise. We have made a complete, once-for-all presentation of ourselves, and we expect God to take us at our word.
--- John E. Hunter, Limiting God

For Now

Although it's most likely not the greatest thing you ever read, this sort of sums up me at the moment. Please forgive this clumsy attempt at the literary form of poetry; it is all I can manage at the moment.

Me and You

When life's so crazy it doesn't make sense
When my heart's so broken it can't be fixed
When my world is in shambles all around
When I've been knocked to the cold, hard ground
You're still there to pick me up
Hold my hand and help me stand
Your strong arms cradle and steady me
Your embrace, so sweet, warms and fills me.
When tears like drop start from my eyes
When one, then two, then thousands stream
When hurt engulfs and there's too many "why's"
When questions haunt and answers are a dream
You're still strong, your love so real
You breathe on me, "Peace, be still"
You're a healing salve, a soothing balm
You bring such relief, work such calm.
When my soul aches from its endless torture
When my tongue is mute, no words can form
When cries and groans are all I can utter
When I'm so weary, so weak, so worn
You're always there, my One and Only
The I Am that I Am - everything I need.
You're my Refuge, my Fortress, my All in All;
You make me whole, help me continue to be.

Words

Though these words are not my own they are very much a comfort to me at this moment.

You say you lost your hope; What's the point in going on and on?
At the end of your rope, You just want to let go and fall,
'Cause this complicated life Gets too hard to understand;
The pain is like a knife, Destroying all your plans;
And you're spinning into nowhere, And losing all control,
'Cause there's just too many scars On your body and your soul.

But in the middle of it all, In the middle of the darkest night
Lift your head and tell your heart To walk by faith and not by sight.
In the middle of it all
There's a loving God Who's holding out His hand,
And if you reach for Him He'll catch you when you fall
In the middle of it all.

You say you're doing fine, And even though you always wear a smile
Deep inside your mind You haven't been at peace for quite a while.
When everybody leaves And you're left to face the fears
All those things that you believe Are no longer very clear.
And you're haunted by the failures And the insecurities
And the shadows fall so hard That it drives you to your knees

In the middle of the secret shame, in the shadow of the private pain,
All across your broken dreams, in the middle of it all

But in the middle of it all, In the middle of the darkest night
Lift your head and tell your heart To walk by faith and not by sight.
In the middle of it all
There's a loving God Who's holding out His hand,
And if you reach for Him He'll catch you when you fall
In the middle of it all.

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

No Words

Can't write today but I will post some music.

Love

What is love? How do you know you really love someone and it's not just a strong feeling or affection for them? When is it right and when is it wrong? These are all questions I have been asking myself. I think I love someone, but do I really? What motivates my love? Why do I love them? Do I love them for what I will get from them, what they can do for me; or do I love them and my focus is what I can do for them? Do I love them or do I love the idea of being with them? One of my quotes says that love is not about what you get but what you can give, and I know this to be true because when you really love someone the thrill and the enjoyment of that relationship comes from doing things for them and the pleasure it brings you. Sacrifices, big or small, are not something to run from, but rather bring you the most satisfaction. I guess that's why people say that true love is selfless and can have no hint of selfishness in it if it is really love. Is that what I am experiencing with this person I love? Am I willing to lay everything I want and all my desires down to benefit them? Am I willing to do whatever it takes to secure their best and help them in any way I can? If not, then it is not love. Perhaps it is just strong feelings or deeply caring for someone, but it is not love; it can't be according to the definition of love. That's why true love can last and endure through everything. I think what I have and feel is love, but is it?
"Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor will rivers overflow it;
If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love,
It would be utterly despised." Song of Solomon 8:7

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails;
But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
I Corinthians 13:4-8,13

A Little Note

Week has started CRAZY!!!!! But that's ok. I am spending a huge amount of time trying to figure out how to use the program I need for my research. I feel like a total moron, but, no worries, that will pass. Actually, I am really enjoying having something to do and being able to learn something new at the same time is really exciting. I finally feel like I have my life in order and I have a path I am following, a plan towards reaching my goal. There are a hundred opportunities on the horizon and it's nice that my only problem there is figuring out which one I want to take. I'm still looking for a job but the need doesn't seem to be as pressing now that I am throwing myself full force into my research. I have now figured out why I liked being in school so much: it wasn't the learning necessarily; it was not having to focus on personal problems and situations that arise when you have too much time on your hands. Really, school or learning is a nice distraction and I am finding that my brain feels so much better when it is actually working and facing challenges than when it is lying dormant waiting for some sort of stimulation from anywhere possible. So, I am super busy, as always, and I am very happy at the moment. Life is good, God is GREAT, and I am so glad I can experience Him everyday in so many ways in my life.
Oh, ya, and I updated my photo albums a bit. I promise to do more later. Enjoy!!!!!