Beauty All Around Me

If there has been anything I have noticed here in Colorado it is how beautiful everything is. It is absolutely gorgeous up here! The mountains rise up with a majestic grandeur that is simply breath-taking. Their large imposing rock faces emit such strength and resilience, yet the soft trees and shrubbery that blanket it's sides are inviting and alluring. It's as thought the mountains speak to you, luring you to explore them and all they have to offer. There are trees everywhere here and they are large trees with very full branches that provide a sweet cool shade from the brilliant sun that shines overhead. There are so many different types but many are pine and their sweet scent fill the air. I love to breathe deeply and feel the scent sit in my nose before I exhale. The grass is so green here and it provides the perfect carpeting for the many rolling hills and valleys. The air is crisp and clean and breathing in feels like you are taking in life itself. The sunsets are pretty wonderful as well. It's great to just sit and watch nature! The animals here are plentiful and very friendly. It is not unusual to see a deer or a squirrel sitting across from you on the grass. They seem to be completely at rest. Perhaps that is what I am feeling here, peace. There is certainly a calm and restfulness about this town. The closeness of nature and it's intense beauty helps make this place seem like a haven. I am truly going to enjoy these next few years.

So Much To Do!

There has been so much happening the past two weeks and it seems hardly real that two weeks have gone by, but alas, they have. I have been trying to get in my hours at work, working on packing things up for my move, trying to map out my move, working on my wedding, shopping for a wedding dress, trying valiantly to retrieve my ring from the jeweler, taking care of my health and improving my physique, taking care of those I love and missing my love more than I know how to say. Phew!!! I would say that is enough to keep anyone on their toes. It's been a real trip but I can say that at least I feel like things are falling into place. I have gotten some things done and I am fairly proud of myself for the work I have done. Tomorrow I am staying home to wade through some more of the gigantic pile of papers I have created for myself over that past ten years. I have actually created a system for organizing things but it does take time to do. Amidst all of the hubbub I have also had some really great experiences. My love bought me a beautiful digital piano for my birthday and I am loving having it. He is soooooo good to me and I love that he gets me things that I really love and can use. He also got me some pretty cool music software so I can write music using my computer and I am thrilled about that. It means I can do what I have wanted to do for so long. *Sigh* Another dream come true. I also got to celebrate Father's Day with my dad and that was a lot of fun. I cooked fried chicken for the first time and it turned out pretty well actually. I must say that not too many people had confidence in me that it would turn out and I definitely had a great sense of accomplishment when everything went well. So, there has been a lot to do and there will continue to be more to do but I guess that's O.K. because it keeps me busy and I do things that I need to do. It might be a while before I post again, but if that's the case at least you know it's because I am super busy and doing things that are important. Ready, set, here I go!

Some Thoughts

I've been having a rough past few days. Sickness, pain, frustration, stress, and worry have all been handed to me in one huge dose of life. Needless to say, it has left me a bit drained. Ironically, the urge to fight it all has been stronger the worse it gets. I hate feeling down-trodden and defeated. I hate when things look hopeless or problems seems insurmountable. However, I haven't had the strength to fight the feelings of depression and the desire to give up. I've put on a pretty good face to those around me, but inside I've been really struggling. Then I remembered that there still is hope, that there is nothing given me that I cannot handle and that I cannot conquer. I momentarily forgot what a good and loving Heavenly Father I have and what a comfort and friend my Jesus is to me, but He has gone out of His way to remind me and I am so thankful that He has. Sunday morning I managed to get up and get dressed and drive myself to church. Quite the feat seeing as I had been in my house for the past three days, leaving only twice for small intervals. As I drove to church I was reflecting on my current situation and all the seemingly endless problems I was facing. But then, something on the inside nudged me. "Haven't I always been good to you? Haven't I always taken care of you? Don't you know I love you and I will never let you fall beyond my grasp? Haven't you yet realized that I will never leave you alone, never leave you stranded, never forsake you?" I seemed to hear my Savior whisper in my ear. I was drawn to remember all the good things the Lord has done for me in my life and I was reminded of the times when I did truly realize how amazing and endless His love for me was. I can't tell you what a good thing that was for me. It lifted my spirits and gave me a renewed sense of hope. There was still despair in my heart, but light was shining through it. When I got to church I kept feeling an urge to look up the psalm for the day. It was the 27th so I looked up the 27th Psalm and I was so glad I did.
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
"Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."
Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the LORD will take me up.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.

I know I have posted that passage before, but it means so much to me and I felt like it was such a precious gift from the Lord on Sunday morning. To be reminded that He is my light and my salvation and He is my hope was so reassuring.
This morning I got in my car to go to work and as I turned on the ignition the radio came on. A song was just starting and it happens to be a favorite of mine. It was a nice reminder as well that God is really looking out for me and He has given me some wonderful people in my life that love me and are praying for me. The song washed over me like a soothing balm. I couldn't help it; I had to pause and just take it all in. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and start to spill onto my cheeks. It was as though someone was offering water to a parched, weary soul, and I was going to just sit there for a moment and drink. Oh, the comfort that I found in the words of that song! Thank you, Lord, for reminding me that I am not fighting this fight alone and You are bringing me through.
Wish I had a recording I could post here, but here are the lyrics to the song:
SOMEBODY'S PRAYING ME THROUGH
By Darrell Brown & Ty Lacy

Pressing over me like a big blue sky
I know someone has me on their heart tonight
That's why I know
It's gonna be alright
'Cause somebody's praying me through
Somebody's praying me through
It may be my mother
It might be my dad
Or an old friend I forgot I had
But whoever it is
I'm so glad that
Somebody's praying me through yeah
Somebody's praying me through

Through the tears through the rain
Through the sorrow through the pain
It keeps bringing me through
Over and over again
So when you're drowning in the sea of hurt
And it feels like life couldn't be any worse
There's a blessing waiting to push back the curse
'Cause somebody's praying you through yeah
Somebody's praying you through
Somebody's praying you through

Breathing

Well, I survived yesterday and I'm feeling much better about today. The Lord was so good to me and sent me just the right person to talk to. I still have an hundred and one questions rolling around in my head but I have peace now too. It's that peace that passes all understanding and calms your soul in the midst of the fiercest storms. I don't know what today or tomorrow hold for me but I do know the One Who holds both of them and He does love me and want the best for me. I know that if I keep my gaze fixed on Him and trust Him He will carry me through and accomplish His will.
I also received some pretty sad news yesterday and that has kept me pretty preoccupied. It's not devastating news, but it is sad. It's always funny to me to see how I will react to things. I thought I had myself and my emotions in this situation pretty much under control but for some reason I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face last night. I think it was probably a release for me because I hadn't done that in a while and in this particular situation it was a lot of emotions to keep pent up, so I am glad for the release. Just wish I could learn to do it without crying.
To sort of sum up my life at this moment: I'm having some hard struggles, I am experiencing loss, and I am learning to lean on the Everlasting Arms more than ever before in my life.

I Am Learning

I am learning so many things right now. Sometimes I feel like my head and my heart will explode from the information overload, but alas, that is just my over-active imagination at work. The most important thing I am learning right now is to have faith; faith in what God has spoken to me, faith that He is ultimately in control, faith that He will fulfill His promises. Of course there is so much about faith that I have been taught and know with my head, but now I am finding that it is absolutely essential that I live that knowledge out, and that is a whole new learning process. I never knew that it would be a struggle and a fight to believe God and what He said. Having faith in the words and promises that God has spoken to you takes effort, takes you clinging to that faith with everything in you even when it seems like the impossible, takes standing firm no matter what and not wavering in your convictions. It's hard work and the discouragements and temptations to give up abound, but what I am believing for is worth fighting for and so that leaves me with only one choice. I must trust God and exercise my faith no matter what happens, no matter how it looks, no matter how I feel, no matter what anyone says; and that is what I intend to do. Yes, it is a learning process and I am going through it every day, but I know if I keep at it I will eventually learn the lesson and I will be able to see the fruit of my faith. Lord, give me the strength to reach that day.
Side note: I read this today and thought it was really good, so I'm passing it on to you.

IMAGINATION V. INSPIRATION
"The simplicity that is in Christ." 2 Corinthians 11:3
Simplicity is the secret of seeing things clearly. A saint does not think clearly for a long while, but a saint ought to see clearly without any difficulty. You cannot think a spiritual muddle clear, you have to obey it clear. In intellectual matters you can think things out, but in spiritual matters you will think yourself into cotton wool. If there is something upon which God has put His pressure, obey in that matter, bring your imagination into captivity to the obedience of Christ with regard to it and everything will become as clear as daylight. The reasoning capacity comes afterwards, but we never see along that line, we see like children; when we try to be wise we see nothing (Matthew 11:25).
The tiniest thing we allow in our lives that is not under the control of the Holy Spirit is quite sufficient to account for spiritual muddle, and all the thinking we like to spend on it will never make it clear. Spiritual muddle is only made plain by obedience. Immediately we obey, we discern. This is humiliating, because when we are muddled we know the reason is in the temper of our mind. When the natural power of vision is devoted to the Holy Spirit, it becomes the power of perceiving God's will and the whole life is kept in simplicity.

Everyday News

Well, this week has been pretty good thus far. I was going to post a few rants I had but I find that I simply don't have the energy to do it now that I am sitting at the computer. I've been busy as usual and I have thrown trying to eat right and exercising into my daily mix, so I'm a bit worn out, not to mention I have muscle aches from muscles I didn't know I had. But, I'm not complaining. I do actually feel pretty good all around and I find that I am quite content at this point in my life. There are things that I am having to deal with, like learning what love is and how that is supposed to be worked out in your life, and I have my struggles (yes, patience is a virtue and very necessary), but God has been so good to me and those around me that I find myself in awe of Him on a regular basis. His love is so perfect, His grace is so wonderful, His mercy long-lasting, and His blessings so bountiful. Truly, God has been only good to me. Even when my life feels crazy and there seems to be so much in it that is frustrating or hard, if I can just keep my focus on Him He will take care of everything. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5,6
I love that Scripture. Since the Lord has been talking to me so much recently about trusting Him and letting Him work instead of me trying to do everything I have found such peace when I really do trust in and lean on Him, and so much turmoil when I do the opposite. I am also glad that when I am struggling with doing what is right and making those hard right decisions He is always faithful to help me out. I can see more and more each day that it is really Christ Who is living and working in me to work out His will for my life and that is my only hope of glory, my hope of success.

Be Still

Today was an interesting day for me. The past few days have been good, bad, and hard all at the same time, but that is to be expected when you are going through a transition. Yes, I am transitioning. My life as I knew it is over and a new one is in front of me. It's funny how it all seemed to happen so suddenly, and yet, looking back it has been happening for the past 8 months. The most appropriate way to explain it is that it is very unexpected. I never knew God could be so wonderful to me; I never knew there was happiness like this to be experienced. The hard part is that the transition is still going on and there are still many changes to take place, and I have absolutely no ability in the area of patience. But, that is when God reminds me that I can do all things through Christ Who is my strength. This whole "having patience" thing is really rough for me, but today the Lord spoke something to me that let me know it is absolutely the right path to take. I was performing and I was singing a song that was talking about how Christ is our Rock and Fortress and He helps us by giving us a firm foundation to stand on. As I was singing I was thinking about everything that is going on in my life and how much I need the Lord to do different things, particularly wanting answers in a very important decision I need to make and wanting to see God do something, knowing that only divine intervention will be able to solve the situation at hand. Suddenly I saw a picture in my mind of Moses parting the Red Sea and as he did so he told them to stand still and see the salvation of the Lord. It was like the Lord was saying to me that I needed to be still, not try to do anything and watch God work and He would do the impossible. I really needed that word from Him right now. I went home and started looking up some Scriptures and it was like the Lord kept leading me to references that said the same thing: don't worry, trust Him, don't do anything but rely on Him to perform His will. I was finally led to a reference that is in one of my favorite psalms. It was so reassuring; just what I needed to hear; a great reminder of what God promises those that wait on Him. I'll post it for you because it was so good to read and just let it sink in. My prayer is that I can truly learn to do what this Scripture is talking about so that I can have the rest and rewards that it promises.
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
And your judgment as the noonday.
Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;
Wait for the LORD and keep His way,
And He will exalt you to inherit the land;
Psalm 37:1-7a, 34a

Catch Up

It's time for some catching up. My life right now is crazy and exciting, at least for me, and there is quite a bit that has happened and quite a bit that is happening. The summer was great for the most part. I have to say that the last three months have been some of the hardest months I have ever had to go through, but they have also been some of the most fulfilling. I worked this summer which was a first for me, and it wasn't too bad. It did, however, make me wish I had another job and even started me looking for one with very little success. I gave something up that was so extremely precious to me and found that the Lord was more than gracious and rewarded me ten times over what I could have ever imagined, trading my pathetic "treasure" for something far greater than what I could have created. I was busy this summer but I finally had a vacation and that was so wonderful. The rest and relaxation was much needed and appreciated. My favorite highlights of the summer were the things I saw God do. He brought new people across my path that were there at just the right time, He saved a young man in a detention center and gave him new hope for his life, He made it possible for us to have an absolutely amazing July 4th presentation at my church, He started a spark of faith in the college group at church that has grown into a small fire and I hope will continue to grow, and He taught me the absolute value and power of prayer by answering a cry of my heart that I had been uttering for the past 8 months. He did so many things and I can't thank Him enough or talk about it enough. To top it all off He is still working and continues to do wonderful things. If the past three months have been this good I can only imagine what the next four will be like. This semester I am working with a therapist doing research as well as studying for the GRE so I can retake it. I hope to take a couple of classes next semester and maybe continue my research as well. Graduate school is going to wait for at least a year and then I will see what happens. I am still looking for a different job and maybe I will find one this semester. My performance schedule is as busy as ever and shows signs of increasing, which should be interesting. I am extremely optimistic about the next few months and have a sense that great things are about to happen. Whatever happens I know the Lord is with me and He directs my steps so I will always be taken care of.

New Semester

I love - watching the sun rise over the Catalina mountains, watching the sunset in Tucson, watching my nephew dance, listening to music that moves me, laughing and being silly, being with children, hearing God speak, watching God perform miracles all around me, having my prayers answered when I least expect it, knowing that God is in control of my life and when I surrender to Him He will give me my heart's desires and do infinitely more than I can ask or think to ask. I love having peace and joy and not having to be stressed out. Hmm. Don't know why I just wrote all that but I felt like it so I did. The school semester started today and I am trying to get myself back in the mode of being a responsible student. I am not taking classes, but I am participating in research and I am studying for the GRE so I can take it in a few months. The summer was nice. I won't say it was relaxing, but I did accomplish several things I wanted to accomplish and I feel like my life is back on track. God has been so good to me and so real these past few weeks. It seems every day almost there is something else that He is doing and I am so thankful I can be a part of it. I wouldn't trade experiencing God the way I have been for anything in this world. I am excited about what He will do in the upcoming months and I am waiting with anticipation to see how He will work things out in my life. Usually the fall semester is the busiest time of year for me, and the most chaotic, but this year I am expecting big things from God and I intend for it to be the best semester and season I have ever had. So, expect me to post about all the amazing things that will be going on and how good God is because He is more wonderful than I can even begin to explain or describe.

A Tucson Night

I'm sitting outside on my back porch looking up at the sky. The vast deep blue expanse is powdered with thin, wispy clouds and dotted with bright pinpoints of star light. In the distance I can see the lights of the city spread out across the horizon. The city lights glimmer and twinkle at me, set off by the faint outline of the Catalina Mountains rising behind them. It's beautiful out here. The night air is still damp from an earlier rain but it is cool with a slight breeze that feels wonderful. I'm observing this amazing world we live in and I can see again just how incredible God is. As I look at the sky I can imagine just how enormous this universe is and how minutely small I am in comparison, and yet, God sees me, hears me, knows what I'm going through and is a part of my life. Being outside like this is such a nice reminder that no matter how crazy my life gets, no matter how upset I am, no matter how powerless to change or control things I feel I am, God is still God and He is taking care of me. Being out here, especially at night, always makes me feel closer to God. It's easier to think about things clearly and it's seems easier to hear what God is speaking to me. The past few days have been rough for me. Mostly the things that have been bothering me are things outside my control having to do with people I can't control. I haven't lost my joy and I can still say, just like last week, that God is so good and He is doing so much, but it has been hard to keep looking at all the good things when the bad is so very present. I guess these are the times when you really have to just make a choice to not let situations get to you. You have to keep believing what the truth is, what God says and not look at what is going on around you, especially when it is beyond your control. Of course, there is also the side to it that you help create your own messes and I am starting to see the results of several messes I have made over the past few months. However, it is not the end of the world and thankfully God does forgive us when we screw up and He can work in situations to fix things when we have broken them beyond repair. That is a comforting thought. It is also comforting to know that God is taking care of me and He knows how to stand up for me and fight my battles for me. He knows how to protect me, strengthen me to face any situation, and take care of those who seek to do me harm. I can't tell you how nice it is when I'm having such a hard time to look up and remember that Jesus is right there with me and He is helping me. Being out here in the peace and quiet, surrounded by so much beauty is soothing. I can smile, take necessary deep breaths, soak in the beauty around me, be in awe of my Creator and His handiwork, and be inspired to keep on going in life knowing Jesus is with me every step of the way and He keeps me in perfect peace when my mind is stayed on, confidently leaning on and trusting in Him.

Caring

My uncle once told me that my heart was too big and if I never learned how to control it I would always get hurt. Well, I still haven't learned. Although I am much better at guarding my heart and usually keep it pretty well locked up, safe from any strangers or prying eyes, I still haven't learned how not to care too much. When I care about someone, I really care. I go out of my way to make things special for them or to help them. I want them to know how important they are to me and that I don't expect anything in return from them, I just enjoy being able to care about them and show them that I care. Unfortunately, this makes for a lot of hurt when I realize that perhaps they don't care as much about me as I do about them. They profess they care, they talk of their intentions to show they care, they attempt to express they care, but ultimately, deep down, they don't really. They enjoy the things I do for them, they feel a little guilty if they don't reciprocate in some way, and they believe that they do care about me, but somehow it's hard to believe they do. It's like the friend who supposedly cares so much for you but knows you so little that they have to ask you what you want if they are going to get you a gift. If they really cared enough to know who you really are they would know what would mean a lot to you and getting a gift wouldn't be about what to buy so much but knowing what would make you happy. The same is true of the friend or relative that is supposed to care so much about you but they can't stop long enough to get you a card for your birthday or even call on said special day. How much do they really care about you? From my viewpoint, if you care about someone you will stop what you are doing and do whatever it takes to let that person know you care. You don't have to spend a bunch of money on them or make a huge deal out of something, but you will make it a point to let them know that they are important enough to you that you took time out of your hectic life and spent energy to let them know you care about them. You made an effort to let them know they are important to you. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me. Maybe my definition of caring is not correct and as such I pour way too much energy into something that is not supposed to be invested in that much. But if I'm wrong I'm going to stay wrong because I enjoy caring about people. I love spending the time to think up what will make someone's birthday special, or how to make someone's day, or just how to let the ones I love know I love them whether on an ordinary day or a special one. I wouldn't trade the feeling of satisfaction you get when you do something for those you love for any of the selfishness and self-absorption that drives those who don't know how to truly care for someone. Maybe my hearts too big and it makes for a whole lot of hurt but I'd rather have hurt and still be able to feel love than to be stone cold and incapable of even feeling any sort of care or concern for someone. So, while I may be hurt by the things done or not done by those I care about, I wouldn't change any of the things I've done to show them I care and maybe one day I'll find someone who understands what I mean when I say I care and will reciprocate - without being told to, hinted at, or being put under pressure - showing me that I mean as much to them as they do to me. We all have to dream, don't we? Well, that's one dream of mine.

Odds and Ends

The past few days have been a mix of this and that. The school semester is over and I can say that it wasn't what I expected or hoped. Most of that is my own fault and some of it is just normal life disappointments. I am so relieved it is over though. I still haven't decided whether or not I will pursue the research opportunity offered me over the summer, as I am not sure I want to deal with that headache. I am in the planning stages of what to do in the fall. I do have a few ideas and am pursuing some different avenues, but I'm not settled on anything at this point. My kids have been so great to be around the past couple of weeks. They make me laugh and that is always good. They also give me something to care about, an outlet to express concern and be able to help with something. They are so full of life and opinions and absolutely hysterical observations. Yesterday I was laughing so hard at them. Their antics were just hilarious. They do more for me than I could ever do for them. An exciting thing that has been happening this week: several kids at the school got saved. It's amazing to watch what a rebirth of the soul can do to a human being, even someone as young as 12 years old. Hearing them talk about their salvation experience has been such a blessing. It brought back so many memories and helped remind of just how great God is. I'm just so enjoying watching them grow up and learn things and realizing things for themselves. This weekend will be very full. It will actually start today with preparation for a wedding I am helping with. Today and tomorrow I will be helping get things ready for the reception including getting dishes in place and starting on food preparations. Tomorrow I have my brother's graduation ceremony and more preparation. Saturday is the wedding and that will be an all day job. Sunday is Mother's Day and my family is getting together to celebrate my brother's graduation. Family all day!!!!!! Yikes! Should be interesting to say the least. Anyway, Monday I will probably be in sore need of a break from all the chaos, but that is the beginning of a new week and new chaos. :] Needless to say the next few days will be a bit crazy for me, but at least I will be busy and I should have a lot of fun while I'm at it. So, I don't know when you will hear from me next but know that I am kept away for good reasons.
*About Me* Fears: Not being loved. Not being accepted for who I am. Not amounting to much of anything in this life and missing God's purpose for my life. My life will end up like so many other's I know. Spiders and snakes. People who have no restraint. Spooky houses that make noises. Anything slimy or creepy looking. If a chill runs down my spine when I look at it then it's probably not a good thing.
Trusts: That ultimately God is in control and He will take care of me. I am loved by the One Person Who matters most. I have what it takes to succeed in this life. My family cares about me and would help me get through anything. There is good in this world and I can experience it. There is no end to the things you can learn and no limit to what you can achieve if you keep trying. One of my favorite quotes," God said it, I believe it, that settles it."

My Week

So, this has been one very full week. It started with a celebration for my aunt and uncle for their 34th wedding anniversary. Can you imagine being married that long. It was really cool to hear them tell how they met and got to know each other and then how they got married. There were some pretty funny stories. Then I had performances all week: four with the group I'm in and five playing for my kids. Nine all together!!!! It was crazy and hectic but it was also a fun. I don't know what it is about music but I have such a good time performing it, especially when I am singing or playing music about Jesus. You know, when life gets super crazy or I feel like I just don't know what I am going to do, I can go to a performance and just lose myself in worship as I sing or play and it's amazing, but I get so much peace from it. It really acts as a release. There were at least three times this week when I was having a really hard time and I had to perform. I had to tell myself, "you are not going to let whatever is going on and how you feel about it get in the way of worshiping." I know that sounds strange, but really if you are going to be in ministry the music is all about worship, not how good you sound or how talented you are. If you can't lead people to experience the presence of God then you can't help them. In and of myself there is nothing great about what I do, but if I can let Jesus shine through me while I am performing then I can reach people and actually help them and I can also get help for myself. Anyway, work was crazy this week too. I guess what it really is is that I'm not happy where I am. I don't enjoy doing what I do and it's getting to me. That may sound really immature, but it's honest. I have to keep the job to pay my bills but I can't wait until I can do something I really enjoy. I have determined, however, to make the best of things while I am there. So, I won't complain too much, just say that this week was a little harder than most for me in that department. I think I know why I never really had any career goals as a child - I never desired to be a part of the work force. I would be perfectly content staying at home or being somewhere where I could continually learn and study. Maybe that's not true, but it sounds pretty good to me right now. Oh well, moving on. Hmm, let's see, what else happened? I spent a lot of time with my nephew (yeah!!!!) and I started to plan my summer and potentially my fall. I started plans for my brother's graduation, three siblings birthday's, a family friend's wedding, and mother's day. Ya, May is going to be really busy, especially the first two weeks!!!! Anyway, so that's what my week looked like. Sort of why I didn't post too much this week and now you know why if there happens to be lack of posts for the next couple of weeks. I was going to post pictures from Easter this week but I am having technological difficulties so you will have to be patient and maybe next week I'll post some.

The Rain

It's raining outside. There's a cold breeze that makes the already cool desert night a little chilly, but it's wonderful. There's a steady stream of rain that falls and creates a pitter-patter rhythm on my roof and in my yard. The smell of the rain is so good and I can't seem to get enough of it. I'm taking huge breaths trying to capture as much as I can before it goes away. Everything outside feels clean and fresh. I love it when it rains. There is something so liberating about standing in the rain and letting it just wash over you. When you stop all your attempts at staying dry and just let the water roll down your face and in your hair and cover every inch of you. It's like surrendering, laying all your defenses down, and letting what is be, without any attempt to change it. Rain always brings hope. It's like having a good cry and knowing that when your done you can square your shoulders and face whatever is in front of you head on. It's like a cleaning of the slate so you can start over fresh. It's a cleansing and purifying. It's a washing away of everything you've collected since the last time it rained. Sometimes I imagine that the rain drops are my tears, the ones I cry and the ones that are there but never seem to come. Maybe you've never felt the relief of crying something out, but sometimes there is nothing better that to just release the emotions you are feeling. As the tears come tumbling down your cheeks there seems to be a healing that takes place, or at least a reprieve of sorts from all the conflicting thoughts and emotions. The times when you can't cry are more difficult because there is no release. It's then that I like to imagine the rain as my tears. It acts as my release, washing away the pain, the grief, the frustration, the fear. There are also tears of joy that can be shed and there are times when the rain feels like a million drops of unexpected delight, like showers of blessing falling on you. Then there are the times when the rain is like a saturation of a dry, parched soul. Like a quenching of a strong thirst, like a flooding after a drought. It revives and refreshes and makes you want to keep going and not give up. Tonight I'm enjoying the rain, letting it be a release, watching it wash everything clean, listening to it create it's beautiful, joyful music as it splashes to the ground, breathing in the moist air that feels so good in the dry atmosphere, allowing it to work it's magic, looking forward to what a beautiful day tomorrow will be because it rained the night before.