Today

This weekend was really good. I came out of it feeling so refreshed. Taking time to stop and spend some quality time with the Lord was very helpful. My pastors have been preaching on "The Challenging Church in a Disturbed World" and it has been challenging to listen to. In looking at my life I can see so many areas that are definitely in need of repair. So, I am re-evaluating things and trying to take an inventory of my life and remove anything that is offensive to the Lord or would keep Him from having His way in my life. It's not fun to look at yourself and take note of all the things that are wrong but Jesus is so faithful to help you clean up the messes that you make. I have so much peace right now and a new sense of hope that He will work all things together for good. So I have been a little overly cheerful today, but I can't help it. I feel so relieved, so free, so at peace with God and I am excited about what He is doing not only in my life but in my church and in the lives of those around me. There are still struggles and there will be hard things to face, but I know that Jesus will be with me every step of the way and I am able to do all things through Christ Who strengthens me. I also got to rehearse a lot of really fun music this weekend because my group is performing tomorrow at noon for Cinco de Mayo. I love Latin music!!!! It is so much fun to play and sing.
On a tangent, for some reason I am feeling really in the mood to publish poetry. Maybe it's from grading my kids literature homework this afternoon. Who knows. So, I'm going to post some. These two poems are from two of my absolute favorite authors.
A Psalm of Life -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream! -
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not the goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Finds us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though not stout and brave,
Still like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, - act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead.

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

TO F-----S S. O-----D -- Edgar Allen Poe
Thou wouldst be loved?- then let thy heart
From its present pathway part not!
Being everything which now thou art,
Be nothing which thou art not.
So with the world thy gentle ways,
Thy grace, thy more than beauty,
Shall be an endless theme of praise,
And love - a simple duty.

Tomorrow I will post on my adventures helping a friend with her middle school adventures!!!

Choices

Well, I'm going to attempt to write today. I feel like my mind is one big jumbled mess. There are so many thoughts and I can't seem to make sense out of them. The past few days have been a little hard for me and yesterday I thought I was being tortured. All I wanted to do was stay home in bed. When you cry yourself to sleep and then you only get about 6 hours you don't wake up feeling well. Then you find that you actually have to go to work and face people when all you want to do is be by yourself and that is not a cheering thought either. It took a lot of self-control, keeping to myself mostly, a 20 minute walk, and praying a lot to get me through my morning shift. I felt bad for my co-worker, he probably thought I was the wicked witch of the west. Sorry. The day did seem to get better as it went on. I had my usual rehearsal and then I spent the evening with my nephew. He was having a hard time too so I decided another walk would do us both some good. It was so gorgeous outside and we walked for probably 30 minutes until the sun went down and we had to go inside. Then I gave him a bath and we settled down on the couch in my room to watch a movie together. It was so nice to just sit and snuggle with him. We both fell asleep and we stayed there for a little while until I got up and put him in his room. Then I went to bed at the early hour of 9:00 p.m. So I had about 9 hours of sleep last night. That was good. I still felt a little tired this morning when I got up, but I'll get over that. For some reason dealing with emotional things is ten times as hard as physical work. Anyway, there is still a day and a half left of this weekend and I am going to make it last as long as I can. Monday and all of next week will have its own problems to deal with; I think I will just focus on getting through this weekend and ending up better by the end of it. It's funny how some choices in life are so hard to make but you know they are the right ones. When you make them you feel like you are going to break under the pressure or die because they feel so hard, but the hope that comes from knowing you did the right thing is very comforting. I would rather suffer a little now in doing what's right and have hope that things will turn out for the best than to stick with something I know is wrong merely to feel good for the moment. I had to make one of those hard decisions the other night. It was really hard and I definitely did not want to do it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I can't say I'm glad I did it, not yet, but I know I will be, eventually. Why? Because it will help me keep my relationship with the Lord at the top of my priorities. Jesus is so precious to me and means more to me than anyone every could and pleasing Him is more important to me than having what I want. There's a song that I grew up hearing in church. My mom used to sing it. It means a lot to me and has become sort of a motto for my life. It became especially real to me when I was getting my degree in music. For fours years I struggled almost every day to do what was right and what was pleasing to the Lord. There were so many opportunities that were presented, so many people that had so many good ideas about how I should live my life, but all of them wanted me to give up Jesus. As I went through school and saw those who went on to have big music careers and have lives that are what everyone in the entertainment industry dreams of, I realized that I had something they didn't and it was more important, more precious, than anything they would ever accomplish - it was Jesus. I performed this song at my senior recital and I want to post the words here because I have found that they are just as true today as they were then and I hope that never changes.
I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold.
I'd rather have Jesus than have riches untold.
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands.
I'd rather be lead by His nail-pierced hand.

Than to be the king of a vast domain,
or be held in sin's dread sway.
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
this world affords today.

I'd rather have Jesus than man's applause.
I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause.
I'd rather have Jesus than world-wide fame.
I'd rather be true to His holy name.

Than to be the king of a vast domain,
or be held in sin's dread sway.
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
this world affords today.

For He's fairer than the lily of rarest bloom.
He's sweeter than honey from the honeycomb.
He's all that my hungering spirit needs.
I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead.

Than to be the king of a vast domain,
or be held in sin's dread sway.
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
this world affords today.

These are some of my own thoughts.
So many dreams,
So many desires,
So many hopes,
So many needs.
So many fears,
So many faults,
So many obstacles
to overcome.
Only one true Hope,
Only one true Love,
Only one true Purpose
for living.
Only one true Friend,
Only one true Saviour,
Only one true Provider
Who supplies all my needs.

I guess I was able to write after all. I'm glad I did.

Music

No words today, just some music. Some old, some new, all good.

Thursday

Can't write much right now but I did want to post these pictures since I promised I would.
This is the cross we were working on. It took 200 calla lilies to make! All the hard work payed off though.

I caught a few of the guys snoozing after our big brunch. I guess they were gearing up for the evening service and the dinner that followed.

My nephew getting double love.

me and my nephew.

Thoughts

There are a million and one things going on in my mind right now. It's a wonder I even slept last night. My mind has been racing for the last few days. I feel like there are so many things to think about and my brain is trying to organize them all. Last night I was on the phone to a friend for almost an hour and a half trying to sort some things out. Maybe that's why I slept so well. Usually when my mind is racing I can't sleep, but last night I fell into a really deep sleep. I didn't know what day it was when I woke up. I'm glad I did though because when I rolled out of bed the brain switch went on and the cycle started all over again. Sometimes I wish I could put my mind on pause for at least a few hours so I could get some relief, but then, I wouldn't like the mindless decisions I made so I would probably be terribly unhappy when I returned to my mindful state. Anyway, it seems I am at a million and one crossroads right now and determining which road to take or wondering how the road I have chosen will turn out can become wearisome. I know there are certain decisions that I have made, life decisions, that are absolutely right and I want to follow them through. But there are other decisions that I have made that I'm not so sure of and I am finding myself wondering how they will affect my life in the long run. Most of the people I know would say not to worry about it, just live life and let things run their course, but what if there is no mapped out course and we are responsible for making that course. Then what? I strongly believe that we determine the outcome of our lives. There are outside influences, true, and circumstances beyond our control, but we make decisions. We choose what we will do in each circumstance. We decide which fork of the road we will follow. Sometimes we know the way and other times it is a guess, hopefully an educated one, but a guess none the less. In thinking about all this, the only thing that gives me a sense of true comfort is knowing that because I know the Lord and we have a personal relationship I can ask Him for guidance and help in making my decisions, as well as helping me to be true to the decisions I have made. I know I haven't lived very long and I certainly wouldn't call myself wise, but I do know that the Bible promises that the Lord will guide us in this life. In fact, it even says that the uncontrollable things that happen in our lives are not out of His control and many times He is the One that is leading us to do certain things and causes certain things to happen. "A man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps." I know that every time I have had to make a decision or had to face planning what to do, if I will pray and ask the Lord to show me what to do He always does. Sometimes the instructions don't make sense to me, but if I follow them, things work out better than if I had tried to follow my own plans. It's great to know that I am getting help and guidance from the one Person who knows what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen. So, although there seems to be no end to the questions and wonderings of my mind, there are answers and help as I seek to live this life to the best of my ability. I'm so glad Jesus is real and I have a relationship with Him and His Holy Spirit is my constant companion.

*About Me* My hair. If you hadn't noticed from my pictures, my hair is pretty long. I have had a lot of people ask my why it is and I always answer because I like it that way, but actually there is a story to it. My mom came from the hippie era. Consequently, most of us kids had long hair when we were younger. When I asked my mom why my hair had to be long she always told me it was because my dad liked long hair on his daughters (I later found out this is not true!). So, because I loved my dad so much, I never asked my mom to cut my hair. Sadly, though, I never took care of it either. The only times I ever did anything with my hair, including brushing it, was on Saturday nights when getting ready for church the next morning. Now I was only a kid, maybe 9 or 10, so this wasn't really that big of a deal, I thought, but my mom had other ideas. When I was in 5th grade, just after my parents split up, my mom told me she was going to "trim" my hair (I had hair that went all the way down my back). So, I sat for her while she cut. When she was done, my hair was up to my chin. Everything was gone! I was devastated. I asked my mom why she did it and her reply was that I never took care of it and she thought it would be easier for me if it was short. She told me that if I wanted long hair I needed to take care of it. I vowed from that day on to a)never let my mom "trim" my hair again, b)learn how to take care of it so she wouldn't be tempted to do so, and c)grow my hair out. So, I never really cut my hair after that. There was one sad event when I allowed a friend to experiment with cutting my hair and that shortened it, but by the time I graduated high school my hair was past my waste and I liked that way. I have tried the short hair thing since being in college and I don't like it. I feel like I am missing something, and it also adds 10 pounds to my face, lol. So, my hair is long as an expression of me and what I like and really has nothing to do with anything or anyone else, and actually, now it is my signature among family and friends.

My Week

So, this has been one very full week. It started with a celebration for my aunt and uncle for their 34th wedding anniversary. Can you imagine being married that long. It was really cool to hear them tell how they met and got to know each other and then how they got married. There were some pretty funny stories. Then I had performances all week: four with the group I'm in and five playing for my kids. Nine all together!!!! It was crazy and hectic but it was also a fun. I don't know what it is about music but I have such a good time performing it, especially when I am singing or playing music about Jesus. You know, when life gets super crazy or I feel like I just don't know what I am going to do, I can go to a performance and just lose myself in worship as I sing or play and it's amazing, but I get so much peace from it. It really acts as a release. There were at least three times this week when I was having a really hard time and I had to perform. I had to tell myself, "you are not going to let whatever is going on and how you feel about it get in the way of worshiping." I know that sounds strange, but really if you are going to be in ministry the music is all about worship, not how good you sound or how talented you are. If you can't lead people to experience the presence of God then you can't help them. In and of myself there is nothing great about what I do, but if I can let Jesus shine through me while I am performing then I can reach people and actually help them and I can also get help for myself. Anyway, work was crazy this week too. I guess what it really is is that I'm not happy where I am. I don't enjoy doing what I do and it's getting to me. That may sound really immature, but it's honest. I have to keep the job to pay my bills but I can't wait until I can do something I really enjoy. I have determined, however, to make the best of things while I am there. So, I won't complain too much, just say that this week was a little harder than most for me in that department. I think I know why I never really had any career goals as a child - I never desired to be a part of the work force. I would be perfectly content staying at home or being somewhere where I could continually learn and study. Maybe that's not true, but it sounds pretty good to me right now. Oh well, moving on. Hmm, let's see, what else happened? I spent a lot of time with my nephew (yeah!!!!) and I started to plan my summer and potentially my fall. I started plans for my brother's graduation, three siblings birthday's, a family friend's wedding, and mother's day. Ya, May is going to be really busy, especially the first two weeks!!!! Anyway, so that's what my week looked like. Sort of why I didn't post too much this week and now you know why if there happens to be lack of posts for the next couple of weeks. I was going to post pictures from Easter this week but I am having technological difficulties so you will have to be patient and maybe next week I'll post some.

Hmmmm

Well, I haven't posted in a few days and I figured I should at least write something so everyone doesn't think I fell off the face of the planet. I've been really busy, but when am I not? Actually, I've been trying to focus on some things and re-prioritize blogging is not at the top of my priorities list. I love blogging, but in the grand scheme of my life it really doesn't figure as very important. So, I took a little break and will probably take another one here soon. Most important thing right now? Deciding what to do about school. I am still waiting to hear from my graduate program and I can't really decide anything until I do. Ive been trying to formulate that what do I do if I don't get in plan, but I don't have anything solid. To tell the truth there isn't really anything else I want to do. I have never been involved in something academically that I love so much. I love the challenge, the learning, the experience with the patients. It just seems to fit me so well; I can't imagine me doing anything else and being happy with it. Everything else in my life right now is pretty much the same. I love, love, love being with my kids. They are so much fun. At times they are silly and ask interesting questions but they make my life so great. Honestly, I wish I had one of my own. I know kids are a huge responsibility, but they add so much to your life. I never really knew how to love or be loved until I started working with children. They can teach you so much about what is really important in life. Well, anyway, that is what's going on with me for the time being. If there is anything new and interesting taking place I will blog on it. Until then, hope you all are doing great.

*About Me* Favorite cartoons growing up: Spider man, or any of the marvel comics heroes, Voltron, Dennis the Menace, Loony Tunes - especially liked the Roadrunner and Wylie Coyote, X-Men, Gargoyles, Ahhh, there are too many to name! Oh well, you get the picture. Absolute favorite show growing up: The Cosby Show. There wasn't anything else like it. I also liked TGIF most of the time. Favorite Disney Cartoon: Sleeping Beauty because the fight scene between the witch and the prince was so cool.
Actually, it's hard for me to name a favorite about anything. I have favorites but it's really hard for me to narrow everything down to just one. So, I have several things that are my favorites but I don't have a single favorite.

Photos

Just a note to let you all know that I have updates my photo album at the bottom of the page. There are now new photos to look at. Enjoy!

Mixed Pairs

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and we got to talking about interracial dating. It's actually a subject that's been brought to my attention quite a bit over the last several months and I decided I would blog on it. I grew up with absolutely no prejudices concerning people's race or their ethnic background. The kids I hung out with were Italian, African-American, Caucasian, Hispanic, and Asian. I never thought of them as anything but people just like me. The color of their skin or their physical features didn't serve any purpose other than to make them different from me in the way they looked. I had absolutely no concept of racial prejudice or even an idea that people could and did look down on other people because of their physical appearance. Disliking someone because they were from a different race of people was a totally foreign concept to me. Of course I grew up and learned that people did think that way, but I couldn't change my thinking, and I didn't want to. People are just people. Where they are from and how they look serves to make them different from me and thus interesting to get to know. Now, relating all this to dating, since I have no problem with people of different races why would I have a problem with having a relationship with someone from a different race? In fact, I find that I am most attracted to people that are not like me and guys who have dark skin, dark hair and dark eyes are simply gorgeous. Looking at all the guys I've been seriously attracted to there is only one in the whole bunch that could be labeled "a white guy". My friend says I have jungle fever; I say I have good taste. The thought never occurred to me that it would be odd to be attracted to someone of another race. In high school and beginning college I was convinced the man I would marry would be someone who was dark-skinned and dark-haired (won't mention the eyes because one of the best looking African-American guys I ever laid eyes on had beautiful green eyes!). I never thought it weird that people of different races dated each other or even married, but apparently I'm a little odd because I keep running in to people who do. What's the big deal? So they look different, who cares? Why is that a problem in a relationship? I've heard the argument that mixed marriages or relationships are harder to deal with than non-mixed ones, but so what? If you really love someone why does it matter if they have a different skin color than you? How does that affect the relationship between the two of you? I know you will have to deal with prejudices and people thinking things, but that's the same for a lot of people depending on where you are living. I would like to hear an argument from someone that truly justifies a ban on interracial relationships. What could you possibly give as a good reason for that? Aren't people just people no matter what they look like? Is there a ban on ugly people marrying non-ugly people? Should people with blond hair not marry those with brown? Where do you draw the line on what is and isn't a good idea to mix? What about geography? Does that make a difference? Should you not marry someone who is not from your country? Or should you not marry someone who is not from the same culture as you? Most people would think this was ridiculous because it happens all the time and is accepted. So what makes race so different? I would have to guess that deep down those who object are really prejudiced in their own way. If you saw no difference in the humanity of all people then why would you object to something that is considered normally human? I can imagine that there must be some sort of fear of criticism from family and friends, a fear of what people might think, and perhaps even a fear of the unknown and unfamiliar. But are these really good excuses for labeling interracial couples as a bad idea? I would hardly think so but perhaps I am not seeing the whole picture or I am missing something. If anyone has any thoughts on this I would love to hear what you have to say. It would be interesting to know others' views on this topic.

The End of the Week

Well, it's the end of yet another week, at least the business part of one. I have had one crazy week and I've decided to highlight it for you just so you can see what my world has been like. I think the craziness all started with the customer who asked me out. For some odd reason that started all kinds of craziness at work, including my co-workers producing a dating application for me, which I will post below, just for laughs. BTW, I have to tip my hat to Jason for his obvious contributions to this. LOL! It seems that my love life was the topic of conversation with co-workers, customers, repair men, and who-knows who else. It seems I couldn't get away from it. Even at the school where I work the kids were dogging me this week about how old I am getting and the fact that I have no man. It was incredible, really. It was also funny. There were so many times when I was laughing so hard I was crying. Other crazy things happening, my mother staying with me this week. I see my mom a lot, but having her in my house is a whole different story. First, my mother is a total morning person and I am totally not. She is talkative and happy in the morning and I just want to be in bed and definitely not talking to anyone. It took some work to keep from asking her to just please be quiet, especially when she asked a hundred questions and my brain hadn't even registered that it was supposed to be thinking already. It was interesting, believe me. Then there were all the performances with my kids and hanging out with them and my nephew, listening to crazy music and singing along as loudly as you can, having a good time whether it was in the car or in the classroom or in the yard on recess. That was nice craziness. There was work craziness, which wasn't too bad, but got a little chaotic at times. Finally, there was family craziness which reached its peak this evening. If you have ever seen "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and you can remember the family then you have a pretty good picture of my family. Although not quite as crazy as the family in that movie, we run a close second. We are loud and boisterous when we get together and we have a lot of fun. Tonight we were getting together to meet a cousin that we had never met. She was given up for adoption when she was born and she found her birth family when she became an adult. I have only spoken with her once and tonight we were supposed to meet her and her husband and their three children. There were 19 of us at my house tonight and boy was it crazy. This cousin is every bit as loud and crazy as we are. She fit right in, as though there had never been any separation. Her family was great and we had a really good time. We laughed so much and traded all kinds of information about our families but I couldn't help thinking the whole time that if anyone was looking in they would think, "Wow, what a crazy family!" So, that sort of sums up my week thus far. It has been a little hectic but I have had so many good times. Now to stop and breathe this weekend.
My Dating Application:
Name: _______ Phone:________ Age:_______

(These questions are very rigorous and I'm very selective. Good luck to all the candidates)
1) Have you ever been arrested? If so, for what and what is the file number?
2) What church do you go to???
3) Do you bathe every day?
4) Are you tall, dark and handsome? (Please refer to online dating guides if you do not what this means)
5) Are there any prior marriages I should know about?
6) Do you have any kids?
7) Do you believe in kissing on the first date?
8) Do you like ruining people's lives on Myspace.com?
9) Do you have a car? If so, what type is it and how much did it cost?
10) Do you have a house?
11) If you could be any animal, what would you be?
12) What makes YOU a good candidate? (Please give a 1 page types essay. Spelling and grammar does matter. No handwritten essays will be accepted)
13) Do you have a college degree and job?

So there it is. Part of the craziness that is my life. Enjoy!!!!!

The Rain

It's raining outside. There's a cold breeze that makes the already cool desert night a little chilly, but it's wonderful. There's a steady stream of rain that falls and creates a pitter-patter rhythm on my roof and in my yard. The smell of the rain is so good and I can't seem to get enough of it. I'm taking huge breaths trying to capture as much as I can before it goes away. Everything outside feels clean and fresh. I love it when it rains. There is something so liberating about standing in the rain and letting it just wash over you. When you stop all your attempts at staying dry and just let the water roll down your face and in your hair and cover every inch of you. It's like surrendering, laying all your defenses down, and letting what is be, without any attempt to change it. Rain always brings hope. It's like having a good cry and knowing that when your done you can square your shoulders and face whatever is in front of you head on. It's like a cleaning of the slate so you can start over fresh. It's a cleansing and purifying. It's a washing away of everything you've collected since the last time it rained. Sometimes I imagine that the rain drops are my tears, the ones I cry and the ones that are there but never seem to come. Maybe you've never felt the relief of crying something out, but sometimes there is nothing better that to just release the emotions you are feeling. As the tears come tumbling down your cheeks there seems to be a healing that takes place, or at least a reprieve of sorts from all the conflicting thoughts and emotions. The times when you can't cry are more difficult because there is no release. It's then that I like to imagine the rain as my tears. It acts as my release, washing away the pain, the grief, the frustration, the fear. There are also tears of joy that can be shed and there are times when the rain feels like a million drops of unexpected delight, like showers of blessing falling on you. Then there are the times when the rain is like a saturation of a dry, parched soul. Like a quenching of a strong thirst, like a flooding after a drought. It revives and refreshes and makes you want to keep going and not give up. Tonight I'm enjoying the rain, letting it be a release, watching it wash everything clean, listening to it create it's beautiful, joyful music as it splashes to the ground, breathing in the moist air that feels so good in the dry atmosphere, allowing it to work it's magic, looking forward to what a beautiful day tomorrow will be because it rained the night before.

Something Different

I know I already posted for the day, but something really different happened and I just had to blog about it. I guess I should have seen this coming and I feel really stupid that I didn't, but I definitely didn't. I was completely blown away this evening when one of my customers called me at work and asked if I would meet him for dinner when my shift ended. He was pretty persistent and wouldn't take an easy turn down. I wiggled my way out of it this time but he promised to try again and I'm wondering what to do with this guy. He obviously thought about this long enough to plan and call me the one night I work and he let me know that one refusal was not going to be all it took. I was left wondering what to do. My coworker thought I should take him up on his offer and just see what it would be like. He said it would be "a learning experience". While I am very flattered that the man thought well enough of me to ask me out I am still a little shocked that things went that far so quickly. What in the world? I'm so used to being viewed as too intimidating to be forthrightly asked out. Most of the guys that do ask usually phrase it very carefully so as not to get the wrong response from me. You know, the funny thing is I hate turning them down. I feel bad for them and I can't hardly stand to say no fearing that they will feel rejected. It's even worse when you actually like the person who asks you out. I think this guy that asked me out is a pretty nice guy. He's easy to talk to and yet he's has enough intelligence to actually keep a conversation going. He's very polite and seems like a really nice guy. So what do I do with him? That will remain unanswered here.

Tuesday

Another week has started and it has been rather busy thus far. I haven't had time to hardly stop and breathe. There isn't anything happening that any of you would find too interesting but I have managed to keep myself going non-stop. The weather here in Tucson is absolutely gorgeous! I have taken every opportunity I can the past few days to be outside, especially at night. The sky has been clear and it's just beautiful to look at all the stars. It helps me think and clears my head all at that same time, if that's possible. Really there have been so many conversations I've been in recently that I should have plenty to post on, but I just don't have the time right now to sit down and actually write something decent. Or maybe it's that I don't want to as that would mean I would actually have to stop and think about all the things I have been avoiding thinking about. I have been really busy, but I have to admit that I have been looking for things to do so as to keep my mind preoccupied and not let it drift into serious thought. There are too many things that I don't want to deal with right now or that I am dealing with by pushing them out of the front of my mind and making myself focus on other things. Is that strange? I don't even know if that made sense. Hmmm. Oh well. I think I'm getting moody. Uh oh. Sorry about all the rambling. Guess I will end this post with that. Oh yeah, here's some music for you. For some reason this song kept going around and round in my head so I found it and posted it. Here are the lyrics in case you can't understand what she is saying:
Think of Me
Think of me
think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me
once in a while -
please promise me
you'll try.

When you find
that, once
again, you long
to take your heart back
and be free -
if you
ever find
a moment,
spare a thought
for me

We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but if
you can still
remember
stop and think
of me . . .

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the things
which might have been . . .

Think of me,
think of me waking,
silent and
resigned.

Imagine me,
trying too hard
to put you
from my mind.

Recall those days
look back
on all those times,
think of the things
we'll never do -
there will
never be
a day, when
I won't think
of you . .

Can it be?
Can it be Christine?

Bravo!

What a change!
You're really
not a bit
the gawkish girl
that once you were...
She may
not remember
me, but
I remember
her...

We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but please
promise me,
that sometimes
you will think of me!

Easter

Today was *sigh* wonderful. I had such a good time and it was one of the best Easters I can remember. There were good times with friends and family and so much good food! I was so thankful to see my brother there, knowing that the event a week ago could have changed that. Realizing again just how temporary this life is and being so thankful for the time I have with those I love and looking forward to one day seeing those I have lost. The day was a very full one. There was posing for and taking lots of pictures, food preparation and cooking, cleaning up (of course), dressing up (hair, make-up, the works. sheesh!), and lots of joking around. The music we did for the two services was good, but we performed the Easter portion of the "Messiah" for the evening service and I have to say it was pretty darn good. Despite the nerves, the worries over vocal conditions, and the distractions from the audience, the opportunity to perform this amazing work was awesome. There is something so thrilling about singing and playing truly great music and tonight I had a great thrill. The whole day was just so enjoyable. It was great to be reminded of the resurrection of Jesus and what that resurrection means for us. Because Jesus rose from the grave I have power to live the Christian life. I have power over sin in my life, the power to live victoriously in Christ conquering every hurdle that may come my way whether it be something of my own doing or something the devil puts in my way, and most of all I have a new life in Christ. I am no longer bound to the things that used to drag me down, to the things of this world or the reasoning of man, to the limits that are human generally and mine specifically, to the idea that there is nothing more to this life than living and dieing and enjoying the journey. Truly, there is life - life as God intended it with both the spirit and the body being alive - in Christ. I am so thankful that Jesus finished His work, defeated death and Hell and rose again to give me new life and the power to live that new life. Hallelujah! He is risen!

Easter Preparation

Today was a day of major preparation for tomorrow's holiday. I spent all day at my church helping to make sure everything was ready to go from music to decorations to food. It was actually a lot of fun even though there was a lot of work to do. It was nice to be with friends and family and to be able to joke around and have a good time while preparing to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord. I had my camera with me and took several pictures so I could show you all what preparing looks like. Note: some of the people in these pictures have threatened to kill me or otherwise maim me for taking these photos. I wonder what they would do if they knew I had posted them. Hehehe. I love living life!!
This is one of the girls on the kitchen, which never seemed to stay clean.

Ironing, ironing, ironing.

We had to not only wash dishes but then set tables for the two meals we have.

This was our biggest decorating project this year: a 5 ft. cross covered with calla lilies. The first pictures is the group laying out the base for us to stick all the flowers in. The two following show the progression of the cross.





Working with plants.

Me being a dork (Now that's unusual ;] ).

Messing with my cousin.

Practicing

More practicing

So this is just a glimpse of what I've been up to. Tomorrow is going to be busy but wonderful. I hope you all have a great Easter!

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday, the day in the Easter story when Jesus was crucified. Jesus' crucifixion was the bridging of the gap between the promises of the past and the promises of the future. When God became flesh and walked on this earth it started the end of the beginning of God's plan for redemption of the human race. There were so many things that Jesus' death accomplished. He was the fulfillment of the Old Testament prophesies, the Messiah, the One to whom every one had looked forward to for salvation from Adam to Jesus' own parents. He was the Saviour to whom all could look from His parents until all eternity. Those living before Jesus were saved by their faith in the promise of God that one day the Lamb would come that would take away the sins of the world. Those who lived and are living after Jesus are saved by their faith in the promise and realization that Jesus was that Lamb, the ultimate sacrifice for sin. Jesus' death, which served as a sacrifice, also opened the way for our direct communication with God. When Jesus died the veil of the temple was torn in two symbolizing that no longer would man need a high priest to go before God and plead for forgiveness for his sin. Now we can "go boldly before the throne of grace" having been washed by the blood of Jesus. Perhaps the most important thing Jesus' death accomplished was the defeat of sin and the devil. When Jesus died all sin and all that is born of sin was nailed to the cross with Him and it was put to death. As I think of Jesus and all that He went through I cannot help but be awed by the love that drove Him to do this. He bore the beatings, the tormenting, the cruelty, the intense pain, the shame, the loss of loved ones, being falsely accused, being separated from God, and ultimately death without ever saying a word in response or giving up on His mission. His mission was salvation for all and that means salvation for me. Every lashing He took, every blow of the whip, every drop of His blood bought me freedom from sin, healing from all sicknesses and disease, restoration from all hurts, and death to a life that has eternal death as its end. "Oh the love that drew salvation's plan, Oh the grace that brought it down to man, Oh the mighty gulf that God did span at Calvary!" In looking at Jesus' death the one thing that most stands out to me is how much Jesus loved me and Jesus' love is not a fake, phony love. It is real love; in fact it is the very definition of love; a standard to measure all other declarations of or acts of love by. "Greater love hath no man than this that a man lay down his life for his friends." "For God loved the world so much that He gave His Only Son so that anyone who believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." "But God demonstrates His own love towards us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." I am so glad Jesus loved me enough to complete His mission and give me life.

Thursday - Communion

It's already Thursday and I'm wondering where the first half of the week went. I have been so busy this week it seems that time is just flying by in a whirlwind of activity. Today is Communion day in my holy week so I have spent the last few days getting ready. That means taking out time to actually pause and look at your life and your relationship with God. Tonight I will attend a service where the church will observe the Lord's Supper. It's a ceremony that reminds one of what Jesus went through when He was preparing to die and what His purpose was in doing it. It is a very serious service and the realization that you are remembering and in a way reenacting what Jesus did just before He died is very sobering. I was spending some time last night praying and getting myself ready for this service because the Bible instructs that it not be taken lightly and that we are to "examine ourselves" and see if there is anything in our lives that is displeasing to the Lord and then take care of it. It is analogous to deep cleaning your house right before you are going to have company. You make sure everything is really clean and try not to leave anything left undone. The same is true in preparation for Communion. As I was "cleaning house" I was noticing the areas of my life that are in desperate need of repair. Sometimes it's hard to face the things about you that are not pleasant or admit the areas where you are going off track. At least for myself, I want to say that really I am not all that bad, that the good I do far out weighs the bad, the bad that I do isn't really that bad, and ultimately there are things I enjoy that I don't want to give up. Then the question comes - how much of Jesus do I want in my life? Do I want Him only in certain areas, only to love me and not to correct me, only when it is convenient, only when the hard times come and He can bail me out? It reminds me of a story I once read titled "My Heart, Christ's Home". This man had become a Christian and Christ had moved into his house (heart). The man was so excited that he actually had Jesus living with him and he started showing Him around the house and getting Jesus settled in His "guest room". As the days and weeks went by the man started to notice that Jesus didn't just stay in His designated area of the house but started to move about and, to the man's shock, Jesus started cleaning the house. Room by room Jesus made His way around the house repairing what was broken and getting rid of the filth and dirt that were everywhere. At first the man was grateful for all the work Jesus was doing but soon he began to become a little irritated as Jesus moved into areas that the man didn't necessarily want Him to. As Jesus began to try and clean up more and more of the man's house there were many struggles. Jesus never forced Himself or His desire on the man, He never was forceful or demanding in His requests to clean up the man's house. He just did what the man would let Him do and He never gave up trying to clean the entire house, including a closet that the man was most determined to keep sealed. That closet became the central struggle between the man and Jesus. The man didn't want Jesus to open the closet and clean it for shame of what He might find, because there were things in it he didn't want to get rid of, because the thought of actually dealing with what was in the closet was too much for him. Still, Jesus kept asking if He could open the closet and clean it. Finally, he asked the man, "When you asked me to live in your house you asked me to clean everything and to get rid of the things that need to be gotten rid of. If this closet is a part of your house then I need to clean it as well." Slowly, hesitantly, even painfully, the man allowed Jesus to open the closet and start to clean it out. Everyone has things in their life that they don't want to face or deal with. As a Christian I want Jesus to be manifested in every part of my life and to work so that He fills every part of my life. As I prepare for communion and remembering what Jesus did for me on the cross I must examine my life and allow Jesus access to the "closets" in my life so that I can stand before Him truly clean and have an unhindered relationship with Him. At times, allowing Jesus to work in your life can be uncomfortable and even painful, but the outcome is so much better than anything you had before. Like a wound that is cleaned and then heals, my life is so much better when I acknowledge where I am wrong and allow Jesus to remove the things in my life that need to go. Then I can truly have communion with God and the remembrance of what Jesus did for me is so much sweeter.

*About Me* Good childhood memories: running through the sprinkler in the summers - slipping and sliding on grass and mud and if you had any spare tarps laying around, those made for great slides. Walking through the grass in your bare feet or walking in the dirt just after a rain and feeling the mud squish between your toes. Standing outside in a monsoon rain just before the lightning got so bad you had to go in. Playing outside from early in the morning until the sun set and then watching the moon come out and counting all the stars you could see in the great big Arizona sky. Playing hide-and-seek or kick-the-can with a group of twenty to thirty kids. Having water balloon fights and squirt gun fights. Having pine cone wars in the mountains and using fallen trees and huge boulders as your forts. Building tree houses and then pretty much living in them for the bulk of the summer.

Miscellanious Things

Well, there is actually quite a bit I want to post but I really should narrow it down. First, something I absolutely hate: old men who gawk at you or honk while you are sitting at a bus stop. Have some respect and grow up already!!!! Looking is one thing; pawing with your eyes quite another. Ok, that's my rant for the day. Now, what I most want to post is some things from my kids. I had such a good time with them today and I love reading what they write for their grammar class. Sometimes it is super silly and then sometimes they surprise me with their grasp on life. So, here are a couple poems from sixth graders that I really liked.
Upset
I'm upset.
Not break-down-the-walls upset,
Not yell-like-an-idiot upset,
Not tear-my-homework-to-shreds upset.
Just upset about life's problems,
Just wish it would go away upset.
Upset the mosquito still bites,
Upset I have to die.
I'm upset.

I'm Sad
I'm sad.
Not crying-baby sad,
Not paper-cut sad,
Not sad like a man who lost his job
But lonely sad.
Sad that I have lost someone.
Sad that I will never see that someone again.
Sad that there are other people who feel like me.

Sometimes it amazes me what children can come up with. On a lighter note, I had one of my kids tell me that all people have "imperficalties" and we all need to work on those things but not let that keep us from loving each other. It was cute, really.

*About Me* I was raised with the thinking that one day I would grow up and get married and when I did there was one special person God had for me to marry and that's who I wanted to end up with. When the time was right God would bring that person into my life and we would both know that it was God's will for us to be together and we would choose to honor that by pledging ourselves to each other. Given this view point, my parents did not believe that you should date in order to find the right person and I was never allowed to date. When I got to college I was faced with what I would do with my training and I came to a few conclusions. 1. I also believe that there really is one person out there that God has for you that is the perfect mate for you. Do I think everyone ends up with the right person? No, but I can. Think about it this way, if God has a specific plan for your life and has certain things He wants you to do during your stay here on earth, then why would who you marry not fit into this? I see marriage and your future mate as part of your destiny. I will some back to this. 2. I don't date because I don't think you need to try out a hundred different people before you arrive at the right one. If God is God and you say you have a personal relationship with Him, why can't He bring the right person into your life and show you who you are supposed to be with without you having numerous relationships before arriving at the right one? Maybe you are of the opinion that the experiences are all good and they help you become a better person, but I for one can do without the drama of breaking up and I have no desire to practice divorce. Also, how much do you really know about the people you date? From what I've seen of dating with my numerous friends that do so it is pretty much a game. You put your best foot forward so that the other person will like you and you keep that face on as long as possible until they find out who you really are and then make a decision to either stay with you or leave you. I don't need to date to do this. I'd rather get to know someone very well and then if things move in a romantic direction at least you know what you are in for with the person. I don't want to try on people like you try on clothes at the mall. I don't think that's necessary. Now to return to what I was saying about marriage being part of your destiny. If you do believe this then when you get involved with someone who you are not supposed to be with and possibly end up marrying them you are not only messing with your own destiny and creating your own problems, you are messing with that other person's destiny as well. Can you imagine knowing that you are married to someone else's intended husband or even that you are dating someone that ultimately belongs to someone else? Maybe that's not unnerving for some of you, but it certainly is for me. So, no, I don't date, and no, I'm not worried that it will keep me from getting married. Either God is real and He knows how to take care of me, including brining my husband to me, or He's not real and I need to make things happen for myself. I've tried the later; it doesn't work. I think I'll stick with the former because He's a much better odd to gamble on, and from personal experience, He always comes through.

Palm Sunday

Today was Palm Sunday and for me the celebration of Easter has officially started. All this week I will be remembering the final week of Jesus' life and then His resurrection on Sunday morning. I've actually been getting ready for Easter for the past month, but now the celebration really begins. For those of you who don't know what Palm Sunday is it is the day when Jesus arrived in Jerusalem to observe the Passover Feast with His disciples. As Jesus entered Jerusalem the people began to celebrate His arrival saying that He was King of Israel who had come to save His people. It was a time of high praise and the people worshiped Jesus as they would an earthly king. Really it was the only time when the Jewish people acknowledged Who Jesus was during His time on this earth. As I was remembering this time in the life of Jesus I had a thought: what areas of my life am I allowing Jesus to enter as and celebrating Him as King? Are there parts of my life where Jesus is not allowed to enter and should He do so it would surely not be as King but merely as a visitor? Are there areas in my life that I shut Jesus out of? Sadly, yes. In taking an inventory if my life and everything in it I can most assuredly see areas where Jesus is certainly no where on the scene and should He show up as King I would throw a huge fit. However, I want this to change. I want every area of my life - my schooling, my job, my life at home, my personal life, my friends, my family, my relationship with God - to be open so that Jesus can come in and not as some passing visitor but as King. I want to rejoice, just as those people did so many years ago, that Jesus has showed up in my life and He has come to save me and give me a good life. I want to be able to say, "Hosanna! Blessed is the King of Israel, that cometh in the name of the Lord!"

*About Me* Pretty much all my life I have been involved in ministry. When I was very young I was part of the children's choir at church and we went all over the city singing at nursing homes. By the time I was 14 I was in the youth/adult choir and we sang at church events, rehab centers, detention centers, homeless shelters, college campuses, and public events of all kinds. My schedule then was about two performances per week. I am still in ministry and go to many of the same places I did when I was 14 and then some extra ones. A regular week for me has approximately three performances in it with one or two added on the weekends every now and then as well as accompanying the children's choir at two retirement/care facilities each week. So every month I perform in some way at least twenty times. Is that tiresome? Sometimes, but seeing people's lives changed or watching them just enjoy the music or listening as they tell you how much they were touched by what you are doing makes every single thing worth it. I've been on large stages and performed for large audiences, and I have felt the rush of being center stage with everyone looking at you and being awed (so you think) by your great ability; but I wouldn't trade what I do in ministry for a whole life of performances like that. Nothing is better than knowing that you helped make a difference in someone's life or that you ministered to someone when they most needed it.