My Journey Thus Far

I am so excited about the things the Lord is doing in my life! He has been so wonderful to me and truly I am blessed. Two years ago I started on a journey to receive healing. I was in desperate need of some help but I didn't know what to do about it. I felt the Lord leading me to make some very radical changes in my life and to step out in a direction that was completely and totally unfamiliar to me. I was very apprehensive and I knew my decisions would be costly in so many ways, yet the Lord had made it so clear to me that I needed to do this in order to receive healing. The choice was mine to make but it was much like the choice to live with a disease, watching it slowly kill you, or to seek a treatment that would be long and painful in the hopes of curing the disease. I chose the treatment and it has been hard for me. These past two years have been some of the most difficult I have ever experienced, but they have also brought me more joy that I thought imaginable. With each step on this journey I have grown closer and closer to receiving the healing I need and I have been amazed at how the Lord seems to provide the people at the right time to bring into my life the changes that are necessary. Over the past two years I have seen the love of God like I have never seen it before and have come to know Him as the loving, gentle Father He is. My journey has led me to new places and new experiences and at times I have felt so lost and unsure of where to go or what to do, but He has always been there to guide me. Moving to Colorado was a bug decision for me; one of the biggest I've ever made. It was not a popular decision and I faced much opposition from those closest to me, but I knew I must come. I knew it was the next step for me in my healing process. I knew this even though I did not know how it would all work or what I would experience once I got here. I just had a very calming peace that this decision was the right one for me. Since being here I have seen the Lord do so many amazing things and I have been excited to see where He will lead me next and what else He will do. My surroundings have been the best therapy and treatment one could ask for. Things here are so peaceful and I have had numerous opportunities to just sit and observe God's wonderful creation around me. Nature reminds me of who God is and what He is capable of. Those reminders are the comfort I need as I go through this healing process. In the last four weeks here the Lord has led me to a place that I can call my spiritual home and I have been so blessed to be there. Today as I sat in church and listened to what the Lord was doing in the lives of others in my church and how He was speaking to the pastor I felt Him whisper in my soul that this was my place for healing. My two years of wandering a winding trail have led me to this spot, this divinely appointed spot, where I can receive the help and healing that I need and where I can grow in the grace and knowledge of my Lord. All the stops along the way and people I have encountered on my journey thus far have helped lead me here and I am so very thankful for them. I told my Mr. Darcy when we first moved here that it seemed as though some master plan had been spread out before us and we were merely following the steps in that plan, yet it was not a plan that we had laid out or designed. Only God, in all His sovereignty could have designed such a plan and executed it with the skill and mastery that we have witnessed. If this is not a picture of the grace of God in my life, I do not know what is. Truly I have been richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings I have come to take refuge.

Colorado

It's Fall here in Colorado and I am amazed each day at the beauty unfolding around me. The trees are turning colors ranging from bright golden yellow to deep burgundy. It's absolutely gorgeous! I have been riding my bike to school at least four times a week and it is so cool to ride through a path of trees with their leaves lit up with the wonderful Fall colors. I feel like I have been transported to some heavenly realm. :) I now understand why people who live in areas that have Fall, love it so much. It has also been very cold here and I am having to adjust. Yesterday morning I rode my bike in 40 degree weather and my body was not at all happy about it. It was quite possibly the worst bike ride I have ever been on. My ears ached from the cold for a full hour after the ride and I coughed the entire day as my respiratory system tried to adjust to weather below 60 degrees. This morning I woke up with just the slightest hint of a cold, but it is nothing I can't handle. I was sick last week with some strange bug that made me feel gross but didn't have any strong symptoms. It took me three days to get over, but I got to rest a lot and I am much better now. Life here in CO has been great and I am finding myself settling in with much ease. I truly love it here. I am so excited to see the seasons and experience the changes that will happen. I'm even a little excited to live somewhere that has snow during the winter. Maybe I won't be saying the same things a year from now, but I have a hunch I will. Colorado seems to be a place out of a storybook. Like the far off lands I read about as a child and wished so badly I could go to. It's so quaint and almost perfect. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I am really living here, if this place really exists. But it does and I am so glad it does. Colorado has become my home away from home, my wonderful hiding place from the craziness of life.

Some Feelings

It's been over a week since I posted and I have that writing bug that won't let me be until I spill my guts on paper, or the internet in this case. It's been a rough week for me. There have been family issues that are beyond difficult that I have had to deal with and there have been school and clinic issues that have not been pleasant. However, there have also been rays of beautiful sunshine that have filled my life in the last week, and have created a nice sort of balance for me. I was Aspen this past weekend and was completely awed by the vast natural beauty there. It's no wonder people love to go there. It's absolutely gorgeous up there. Honestly, I could not sum it up into words if I tried my best. Mr. Darcy and I visited Maroon Bells, which are two of Colorado's 14,000 ft. peaks. The trip was one of the best I have ever had. The mountains are so beautiful and imposing and the scenery is breathtaking. It's so serene and peaceful, so inviting. I felt as though I could sit by the lake and just gaze upon the mountains for the rest of my life. I found myself saying, "You did good, God," as I looked around me. It was absolutely wonderful. I had to return from my sweet repose and start my classes again. It was hard to return, but necessary. This weeks classes have been very demanding with piles of readings and studying and homework to do. I awoke this morning not wanting to go to school at all. I tried to get up and a sick feeling kept pulling me back to my bed. I was so tired and so worn out. I decided to call Mr. Darcy and see what he had to suggest. He talked me out of bed and offered to drive me to school so I could get there on time. He was wonderful. Seeing him and letting him push me along was a big help in getting me started on this important day for me. I needed to go to school, but I had no drive to do so. I am so thankful for him and all he does to help me. On a side note, I am wearing jeans today that I have tried to fit into for over a year. I am so proud of the fact that I have been able to start on the road of getting in shape and am starting to see real results. Hooray me!!! So, I made it through this day and am almost done with the week. Although it's been a bit on the rough side and I am somewhat tattered from it I have learned some things and have a better perspective of what I need to do to succeed here in my new life. This in encouraging to me because it means I have not suffered in vain and I am still excited about what this new life has to offer me.

Thoughts

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog or even cares about it but I need to write and that's what it's for anyway. So if you're out there, great! If not, oh well. It's been one of those days (weeks is probably more like it) and I am really low right now. It's not that everything is terrible; it's not. For the most part my life is fantastic right now, but there are some key areas where things are not so rosy and they are really getting to me. I find it hard to understand why people can believe certain things and behave in certain ways and this is a real struggle for me. I need to be able to understand why things are happening; yet, sometimes that does not appear to be possible. When I don't understand I feel powerless to change the situation and frustrated with beating what seems to be a brick wall. I hate that! I hate when things are so crazy that all you can do is step back and ask "why?" It doesn't help when they are crazy to the point where you can't really share them with too many people lest you be viewed as insane or worse yet 'abnormal' (roll eyes). I just get sick of feeling like I have to pretend all the time. I want to be a strong person who can push through things and act as though they don't affect me, but the truth is they do, and they do in a big way. I'm affected. There, I said it. If that makes me weak, I'm sorry. At least it's the truth. I'm affected when my family treats me like I'm not family and attempts to wage holy war on me in order to achieve their twisted ideals of righteousness. I'm affected when years of bad decisions that I was coerced into making continue to have negative consequences today, consequences that I can't seem to get away from. I'm affected when I need a shoulder to cry on and the closest one can only seem to lecture me on how to be a better person. I'm affected. I hurt. Still, somehow I am supposed to pretend that things are fine and I am not affected. I am supposed to put a smile on my face and keep right on going. I am not supposed to say to the person who says, "How are you?", "I'm terrible. And yourself?" No, that would never do. I am not supposed to show what is really going on. We don't do that. Society demands that we continue to play the roles allotted us in the time frames given and no one has time to stop for someone who can't seem to handle it all. What a world we live in. I wish I could change it; but I can't. So, I will pick myself up and keep trying to pretend that I can 'handle' it. Maybe some day I will get the hang of it.

A Trip To The Grocery Store

These days money is tight for me. I haven't had a job now for a month and I am trying to live on the money I had saved with some help from my family. With moving and starting classes things have been a little hectic and I have not been able to look for a job. So, I have been stretching every dollar I have. This means eating simple meals, giving up a lot of "extras", and riding my bike to school. I have had to be very practical about what I do and not spend frivolously on anything. Actually, I have been making myself go days without spending anything at all. Last week the only things I spent money on were three bus rides totaling $6, a ream of paper for printing homework that was $5, and two meals with drinks totaling $9. Things have been so tight that I was a little concerned last week when my cohort of fellow grad students wanted to get together last Friday and celebrate our completing the first week of classes. I wasn't sure how I was going to swing that one, but, with much planning I managed to eat two meals with the girls and pay $16 for them. I was quite proud of myself. I was able to enjoy myself and get to know my classmates without overspending. Of course I had to be very careful and it took things like not ordering anything to drink but water, but it was do-able. So, all that said, you can imagine my excitement at being able to go to the grocery store today and get some things I need. I anticipated it all day and as I started the walk down the street towards the store I found myself feeling great. I was so excited to be in the store buying the things I both needed and wanted. I had gotten a little extra money over the weekend and decided to use some of it and splurge on some simple things that really make me happy. I gave myself a budget and entered the store ready to shop. It was absolutely wonderful to roam the aisles and look at all the stuff you could get. Of course, every time my hand went to reach for something I could not afford, I had to remind myself that I was living on small means and would have to reward myself with those things later. However, I found some great deals on the things I needed and then got a few things that would make me very happy. Most of the things I got were intended to last a while and get me through at least another two weeks before I had to buy anything else. I went through the check out and made sure the groceries were bagged appropriately so I could walk home with them. As I walked out of the store I felt like I was carrying gold in my grocery bags. For $34.69 I had gotten my necessities and my treats. I walked home with a bounce in my step, anticipating the consumption of the wonderful chips and hummus I had gotten. I know I didn't spend much and perhaps three bags of groceries doesn't seem like much to most of you, but for me it was a pile of treasures. I don't like not having money and being poor, but maybe there are some benefits to not having everything at your fingertips all the time. I think it gives you the chance to be so much more appreciative for the small things, for the things that are necessary for good living but aren't necessarily a part of surviving. Enjoying a small snack of wonderful food that I can only purchase every now and then is far more rewarding to me than having it there all the time without the appreciation of it. Although living with little to no money is difficult, it has also been a good experience for me and no matter how long this time period lasts, I am happy to say that it has made me a much more grateful person.

Beauty All Around Me

If there has been anything I have noticed here in Colorado it is how beautiful everything is. It is absolutely gorgeous up here! The mountains rise up with a majestic grandeur that is simply breath-taking. Their large imposing rock faces emit such strength and resilience, yet the soft trees and shrubbery that blanket it's sides are inviting and alluring. It's as thought the mountains speak to you, luring you to explore them and all they have to offer. There are trees everywhere here and they are large trees with very full branches that provide a sweet cool shade from the brilliant sun that shines overhead. There are so many different types but many are pine and their sweet scent fill the air. I love to breathe deeply and feel the scent sit in my nose before I exhale. The grass is so green here and it provides the perfect carpeting for the many rolling hills and valleys. The air is crisp and clean and breathing in feels like you are taking in life itself. The sunsets are pretty wonderful as well. It's great to just sit and watch nature! The animals here are plentiful and very friendly. It is not unusual to see a deer or a squirrel sitting across from you on the grass. They seem to be completely at rest. Perhaps that is what I am feeling here, peace. There is certainly a calm and restfulness about this town. The closeness of nature and it's intense beauty helps make this place seem like a haven. I am truly going to enjoy these next few years.

Things I Have Noticed

There are several things I have noticed since being here in Colorado. Well, actually there are quite a few things, but there a few that really irk me. First, there is no Dunkin' Donuts store in the entire state. I know, I know, you are shocked and amazed, as was I when I first learned of it. The locals here try to comfort me by offering any of the numerous Starbucks locations as an alternative, but that cannot appease me. There simply is no substitute for Dunkin' Donuts coffee. None. End of the discussion. So, I have comforted myself by preparing to ask family members to at least send me packets of the coffee grinds from the grocery store. It is a sad trade off, but a doable one. Secondly, there is no Trader Joe's grocery store anywhere in the state. Imagine my surprise when I found that one of the hippest most cutting edge natural foods grocery stores cannot be found in the city that claims to be the "greenest" city in the Union. What is this all about? Trader Joe's would be the perfect compliment to the city in which I now live, but there isn't one to be found, and there are those here who do not even know what I am talking about. What has my existence come to? Thirdly, I found that there are no good Mexican restaurants in the area where I live. I didn't see any on my initial travelings around the city so I started asking and everyone who lives here very glumly informed me that the so-called Mexican restaurants here had the most terrible food one could ask for. I guess I will have to wait a few months before I can enjoy real Mexican food again. =( There are many more things I have noticed here, but those are the most pressing for now. My next post should be a more positive one about all the great things I am noticing here. In all seriousness, this place really is great and I am having a good time being here, despite the fact that I cannot have those few things mentioned above. I guess I will learn to live without them and will have to treat myself to them when I am once again in Tucson. =D

Life In Colorado

Today completes my first full week on my own here in Colorado. It's been an adventure for most of it but I have to admit that I starting to feel rather lonely. I have made phone calls to talk to family and friends and this weekend I saw my dad for a couple of days. All these things have been great and I have really enjoyed being here, but I do miss home. Things will get very busy starting tomorrow when my classes begin and I am sure that will take my mind off the loneliness. Other than loneliness I am actually enjoying myself here. I had my internet service hooked up this weekend and I am now able to communicate with people via the internet. It also means I can print my notes for class and prepare myself for the next two weeks. Having glanced at the syllabus for just one of my classes I am certain there will be little time for anything else except homework these next few days. The intensive will be just that and I am actually looking forward to it. I am a little concerned about keeping up, but the best thing to do is just go in and give it my best; so that's what I am going to do. As for the countryside here, things are beautiful. I could not have asked for a more glorious place to live. I have mountains, trees, grass, and streams. There are several bridges that cross over small streams around town and I have thoroughly enjoyed walking over them hearing the water rushing beneath me. The campus is laid out like an Italian village with brick buildings and tiled roofs. It's amazing! As I walk across campus I get the feeling I have been transported to some small European village. It is what I have always dreamt a college campus should be. So, while I am a bit homesick and wishing that my friends were here with me I am happy with my surrounding and looking forward to living here. I'm sure there will be more adventures and goings on here in Colorado to post about and I will write when I can. Until then, good bye.

First Full Day

Yesterday was my first full day all by myself here in Colorado and it was adventurous. I arrived here on Saturday and spent that day and Sunday unloading boxes and sending off my future father-in-law and my fiance. I was most sad to see them go. Saying goodbye to my love was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I certainly tried hard not to cry but despite my I valiant efforts the tears started rolling down my cheeks and my love had to brush them away as he gave me one last hug goodbye. Monday morning dawned bright and sunny and I started my day by eating a good breakfast and brewing some yummy coffee. Being just moved in I don't have internet access in my place yet, so I packed my laptop up and headed for the grocery store down the street. Mr. Darcy and I had found the day before that they offered free WiFi and this would be my internet spot until I had my own. Once there I spent a couple of hours finding out what I could about internet providers and looking up all the locations of the places I needed to go and mapping out my travel plans for the day. I then walked about two miles to the bank. While walking I called a friend from back home and chatted about my trip here and the occurrences of the past two days. When not on the phone I was enjoying the absolutely gorgeous weather here and the beautiful countryside. Yes, I think I may be falling in love with Colorado. Once at the bank I took care of what I needed to and started trekking down the street to a transit center to catch a bus home. It started to rain on me and I decided I better not make the walk. Better to catch a bus and just transfer, which is what I did. However, in between buses I stood in the rain and got a bit wet, but it wasn't bad. I was enjoying the storm. It reminded me of the monsoons in Tucson. The bus took me home and I spent the evening unpacking boxes. I found that the drawers in my kitchen are in bad need of contact paper before I put anything in them, and the cabinets are only slightly better. So, I will be waiting a few days before I put the kitchen things away. Hopefully my dad will come visit me this weekend and I can get a few things I need. I haven't been working now for a little over two weeks and that means money is super tight, so I am learning to live with only that which is completely necessary. It's an adventure! ;) Last night when it was time to go to bed I finally felt the first real loneliness I had felt since leaving home. I had talked to my dad for an hour on the phone and had had short conversations with Mr. Darcy throughout the evening, but it wasn't the same as seeing people. It was dark and cold and rainy outside. The wind was blowing very hard and the house was making creaky noises. I wanted nothing more than to crawl up in the arms of my love and just stay there, but that is not possible right now. So, I called him instead and after talking to him for an hour I finally fell asleep. Over all it was a good day. I know the loneliness will come and go as I adjust to life in a new place but I can't think of a better place to start a new life. Things here are beautiful and the people are very nice, at least up to this point. It's also been amazing to see how God has taken care of me in ways I could not have possibly foreseen. Everything I need is almost right next door to me. Almost as soon as I think of a store or a service I need I find that there is some place just around the corner that has what I need. Yes, being here has been and will continue to be an adventure, but I am enjoying it and I am excited to see what will happen. I will keep you posted!

Papers

It's late and I should be in bed, but instead I am sorting through old mail, papers and cards. As I pore over things deciding what to keep and what to toss I find myself reminiscing. Many of the cards bring back memories; some good and some sad. There are sympathy cards from when my grandmother died almost two years ago, birthday cards from years ago that don't say much more than "Happy Birthday" on them, and notes from friends and classmates that recall to my mind times of fun and laughter. Then there are the cards from my family. Various notes that tell me how much they love me, that make me smile because they are corny but cute in only a way that cards from family can be, notes that try to make a point that vocalized words cannot quite make. Here, surrounded by this "stuff" I find myself becoming very emotional. Perhaps it is the memories of the relationships that I miss so much or perhaps it is the reminder of why my life is so complicated. Who knows. Life right now is indeed very complicated. It is difficult, stressful, exciting and bittersweet all at the same time. Yet, through it all I try to maintain a composure that says to the world, and particularly those around me, that everything is alright, I am fine, life is great. I want to be that strong person that I think I am and hope others believe I am. There is no room for broken hearts and tears in a world that keeps moving despite how you are feeling. Still, in the midst of all my papers as no one else is watching, with the reading of each card, the tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks. My heart swells and aches for so many things and mourns the loss of so much more. I am sure there are those that would wonder at my sanity at this moment, but I don't care. I am tired of holding everything together, of pretending I am made of steel and cannot be moved. I am tired of pretending that my heart is not broken in a million pieces when it has been shattered seemingly beyond repair. I am tired of the thoughts that haunt me and the knowledge that won't let me be. I am tired of asking "why?" and wondering if I will ever know. Most of all I tired of unhappiness and misfortune crowding my life and filling every area. I am thankful for the tears and the emotion that surges over me. I am grateful I can still feel. Somehow my tears have been a bit of release for me and now I am breathing better and feeling alright. I will go to bed and feel better in the morning. Life will carry on. The sun will rise and set and eventually I will be able to see each new day as a blessing and I will no longer have to pretend everything is great because it really will be. Yes, some day soon things will change; I hope.

Help

When you need help it seems it is the hardest thing in the world to ask. You know absolutely you need it, know that things will not get better until you get it, but still you hesitate to ask. Then, when you do ask it seems as though it will take a million years until you finally see any results. Why is that? Why do we humans feel so reluctant to ask for help in the first place, even when it is inconceivable that we would not need it? Perhaps it is because we do not want to appear weak and unable to handle things on our own. For me it is a matter of independence. I don't want to others to think that I am incapable of doing things on my own and I don't want to admit to myself that I am incapable of doing everything on my own. Alas, I must admit that I do indeed need help and quite a bit of it. I find myself at a point in my life when I feel most helpless to do anything about the things that fill my life, the matters that control my thoughts and actions. I find myself feeling as though I have stumbled into a giant vortex that keeps my thoughts, emotions, and feelings constantly spinning, never stopping. I find it hard to remember which side is up and which is down except that I know when the dread becomes the greatest and the feelings of absolute helplessness are at their peak I am assured that I am headed towards the bottom and further from the top. Yet, amidst all this churning and swirling I find it hard to reach out and ask for help. Maybe it is the shame and embarrassment I feel at admitting I need help and lots of it at the present moment, or maybe it is fear that keeps me so locked up-fear that others might judge me, might not understand where I am coming from, might reject me. Of course I know that fear is not a good reason to do anything, nor is shame, but I still find myself hesitant. I wish this were not so. I wish that asking for and receiving help were easy, but they are not. I am not even sure which is harder to do, realize you need the help or asking for it. I have realized I need it. It is a monster I can no longer run from, no longer rationalize away. It stares me in the face morning, noon and night. I have faced that fact head on and now I am grappling with the task of asking. I have timidly set one foot forward and will continue to force one in front of the other on this road that looks to be long and tedious in duration, but it is a hard task. Ironically, I don't do it for myself, I do it for those I love. I know that my pain, my suffering, my trials affect those closest to me and in order to protect them I am continuing this battle with the demons that haunt me and relentlessly try to drag me down. I know that there will never be any peace for them until I have peace. It might not be the greatest reason to ask for help but it is what is motivating me at the moment. I don't want to risk the relationships I have by being stubborn and refusing to acknowledge that I am human and I am in need of assistance for things. So, here it is, as clear as I can make it. I need help to cope with the past that I wish were not so, and I am asking for it. Now, I hope and pray that is enough, or at any rate a start.

So Much To Do!

There has been so much happening the past two weeks and it seems hardly real that two weeks have gone by, but alas, they have. I have been trying to get in my hours at work, working on packing things up for my move, trying to map out my move, working on my wedding, shopping for a wedding dress, trying valiantly to retrieve my ring from the jeweler, taking care of my health and improving my physique, taking care of those I love and missing my love more than I know how to say. Phew!!! I would say that is enough to keep anyone on their toes. It's been a real trip but I can say that at least I feel like things are falling into place. I have gotten some things done and I am fairly proud of myself for the work I have done. Tomorrow I am staying home to wade through some more of the gigantic pile of papers I have created for myself over that past ten years. I have actually created a system for organizing things but it does take time to do. Amidst all of the hubbub I have also had some really great experiences. My love bought me a beautiful digital piano for my birthday and I am loving having it. He is soooooo good to me and I love that he gets me things that I really love and can use. He also got me some pretty cool music software so I can write music using my computer and I am thrilled about that. It means I can do what I have wanted to do for so long. *Sigh* Another dream come true. I also got to celebrate Father's Day with my dad and that was a lot of fun. I cooked fried chicken for the first time and it turned out pretty well actually. I must say that not too many people had confidence in me that it would turn out and I definitely had a great sense of accomplishment when everything went well. So, there has been a lot to do and there will continue to be more to do but I guess that's O.K. because it keeps me busy and I do things that I need to do. It might be a while before I post again, but if that's the case at least you know it's because I am super busy and doing things that are important. Ready, set, here I go!

Wedding Dress Shopping

So I went to look at wedding dresses today. I asked my mom to come with me and we visited two stores and I tried on at least 12 dresses. It was rather difficult to keep track of how they all looked, but I am glad I tried them on. It was actually a rather tiring exercise and I am amazed at how worn out I am after the task, but it was a lot of fun. This is the first tangible experience I've had in my wedding planning and I was thrilled to be doing it. It was a pain getting in and out of dresses and having to waltz out into the main store area in dresses that looked good as well as the ones that were a train wreck, but it was so fun to imagine myself as the most beautiful bride in the world walking down the aisle to marry the one I love. I have about 11 months before the wedding and you're not really supposed to order you dress until 6 to 7 months before the wedding, but I wanted to get a good start before I move to Colorado. The first shop we went to I tried on some dresses and there were 2 dresses that I really liked but I wasn't really sure about them. Then we went to a shop where my friend works. I had been in the shop a few months ago and had tried on a dress just for kicks that I had actually really liked. I was eager to get back to this dress and see if I still really liked it and what my mom thought of the dress. When we got to the store we looked at several other dresses and lined up some to try on. The first one put on was the one liked before. It was still beautiful and I loved the way it made me look, but, I wasn't sure it was the one for me. So I kept trying on. Then, my friend pulled out a "princess" style dress. I was sure I wasn't going to like it, but I was willing to try. The dress was beautiful and it looked wonderful on me. I couldn't believe it when I saw myself in the mirror. I really looked like something out of a dream. The style of the dress was gorgeous and pretty close to perfect for me. It accentuated all the things about me that are nice and hid the things that are not so nice. It was modest without being stuffy or old fashioned and I felt so beautiful in it. My mom liked it, me friend liked it, and I liked it. Now, the price, that I didn't like, which leads me to my next statement. I didn't get the dress. The price on it was pretty high and I am not sure that I want or even can pay that much for the dress. I think it is the right dress for me but I am not 100% sure and I don't want to spend that amount of money unless I am absolutely sure that is what I want. So, although I felt that the dress was pretty perfect, I am taking a deep breath and will think about things at least for a few days before I take that giant plunge. I have a couple of months before I have to order anything and I am hoping that will be enough time for me to decide what to do. I am sure everything will be fine and will turn out right, but I have to admit that I am crossing my fingers and hoping the "right" thing is the thing I have always dreamed of. We will see!!!!! =D

Overwhelmed

I have returned from a whirlwind two weeks of travel and I am trying to settle back into life but finding that it is hard because I know that in a few weeks I will be completely uprooting myself and moving to Colorado. There is so much going on in my life right now that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There are a lot of really good things happening and I don't want to loose sight of those things, but it is hard. I am planning my move and have started getting things ready to go and that is exciting, yet the vastness of the work I have to do threatens to cripple me. I am engaged, completely in love, and planning my wedding. It's a dream come true, but it seems to be a bit much for me to handle at times. There are so many things happening in my family right now and I am really happy about many of them but they also produce a lot of stress and put a strain on me that keeps me from being light-hearted and happy. How do people do this??? Is there something I am missing? I want things to be enjoyable and fun. I know there are things that take hard work and focus but I am not willing to let that affect me so that I have a poor attitude or don't feel like doing anything. So, I am going to tackle this problem the only way I know how and just keep at it until I find a way to make it work. I want to be happy and satisfied and de-stressed when I am doing things that should be exciting and wonderful. I want to create good memories of these days that I will always look back on, these important days in my life. I think I can do it and if there is anything I want to accomplish this summer it is getting things into perspective and maintaining a positive outlook on what is going on. It will be tough for me but it can be done.

When Prince Charming Proposed

Every girl has dreams of how her true love will one day ask her to spend the rest of her life with him. She plays out the scenario in her head a million times even before she has met the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Then, one day she meets him and she starts to really believe that perhaps her dreams might come true. For me, I had been dreaming for a long time, and truth be told, I thought those dreams would never come true. I had resolved in my mind that how a proposal happened and when it happened were not important. The most important thing was who I was going to marry and it didn't matter whether I thought he was Prince Charming or not, as long as I knew he loved me. I met Mr. Darcy almost three years ago and we have been slowly growing closer to each other as the time has gone on. I have to admit, I fell head over heels for him long ago and had already been dreaming about the day when he would ask me to be his wife. But, reality had set in more than once, and not wanting to be continuously disappointed, I had set my dreams in a shelf and tightly tucked away my ideas of how that all important day would happen. I knew I loved him more than anyone else in this whole world and I was confident that he loved me and that, honestly, was already more than what I could have ever asked for. I was happy being with him and had decided that how the relationship progressed didn't really matter as long as we were together. Then, Mr. Darcy did something wonderful. Late in March he transformed into the Prince Charming that every little girls dreams will ride into their lives and sweep them off their feet. For almost two months he planned and set out to give me something I had always dreamed of. Last Tuesday, May 26th, I called my prince to say hello and he asked me if he could spend the evening with me. I agreed, of course, and when I left work I called him to ask what he wanted to do. He nonchalantly replied that he wanted to have dinner with me but he first wanted to watch the sunset with me. This was not unusual for us, we had done it before, and I agreed. I loved spending time with him and I loved watching the sunset. So, after work he met me at my house and informed me that we had about forty minutes until the sun would set and we needed to get going so that we wouldn't miss it. We got in the car and headed towards my favorite spot to watch the sunset. It is a lookout point that is on the far west side of Tucson. The desert is beautiful and the sunset with all its brilliant colors is amazing to see. We arrived at the lookout with some time to spare and we hiked up to our usual spot only to realize that because it was later in the year the sun now set further north and we could not see it from out position. So, we scrambled down the hillside and started up the opposite side, racing to catch the sun before it set. Half way up the other side we ran into some rocks, and as I was in flip-flops I refused to go any further. My prince pleaded with me to keep going and kept reminding me that we were going to miss the sun if we didn't hurry. There was something in his voice that made me want to continue, so I did. We finally made it up the hill and found some boulders to sit on. The view was truly incredible and we could see the sun beginning to drop down behind the horizon. We had made it with two minutes to spare! As we sat there enjoying the beautiful Tucson sunset with all the amazing colors lighting up the sky, my Prince Charming dropped down on his knees, pulled a beautiful ring from his pocket and asked me to be his wife. I was speechless. I was thrilled, elated, shocked and touched all at the same time!!! I couldn't believe that what I had dreamed of for so long was happening right in front of me. He had truly swept me off my feet and I loved him for it! I accepted his proposal on that mountain side and afterward we celebrated by having dinner at one of my favorite places. It was wonderful to sit under the night sky and enjoy each others company. Truly, it was a night to remember and one I will never forget. In so many ways it was the proposal I had always dreamed of and in so many other ways it was more than I could have ever imagined. I have never been so happy in my life and I am excited to count the days until my prince and I are one and can live as such.

Graduation

So, I did it! I finished my second bachelor's degree (this time in a science)and I am headed to graduate school in the fall. I can't believe it! I feel like I am finally on the path and progressing towards reaching my dreams. There have certainly been several road blocks along the way but I think, in some ways, that has made the ride all that much sweeter. This past weekend I went to my second graduation from college and it was actually more meaningful that the prior one. Aside from my department being ten times better than the last one I graduated from, this time as I walked across the stage to accept my "diploma" I felt that I was actually taking steps toward reaching my goals. This time around I felt that I had the respect of both my peers and my professors. It was amazing to have my teachers greet me, congratulate me, wish me the best of luck in my future endeavors, and most of all to express their feelings that I was indeed a good student. I cannot even express in words what that small department graduation meant to me, but it was a thrilling event for sure. Aside from my graduation I celebrated the graduations of three other people. It was a crazy weekend but it was good to see the hard work pay off for all four of us. Now that I am done with this step and getting ready to take the next one I find it hard to believe it is all done. I realized on Sunday night that I had taken my last test, turned in my last homework, and attended my last class as an undergraduate. It's a surreal feeling but a good one. On to bigger and better adventures!!!

Life

Life is always so interesting. There is always something going on, something happening. I am thankful that these days the stress is a lot less but I am still busy as ever. It seems that life is a never ending cycle of coming and going, living and learning. I am happy, though. I like what I am doing and I feel like I can handle the things that are on my plate at the moment. I have had some really wonderful experiences and I am hoping to have more. The sense of excitement that I have right now is wonderful. I am looking at some major changes but I am at peace about it. Perhaps that is because I am completely assured that I have sought the guidance of the Lord the whole way through and I will continue to do so. I hope that I will always continue to learn through the experiences I have and the things I go through in life. Otherwise, what is the point of going through them? Even the unpleasant things have a way of teaching you invaluable lessons and after the fact you find yourself being thankful that you had the opportunity to learn. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I am thankful for the things that keep me busy and thankful for the life experiences I have had. I feel that I have learned a lot and would not be the person I am today were it not for those experiences. I know that sometimes I grow tired and wish I could put everything on pause but I can't, and for the first time in a very long time I am alright with that.

Goings On

So, I have been on a grand adventure for the past two weeks and only now am I finally starting to come to the end of it. My trip to Colorado was wonderful and I wanted to post all about here but my computer came down with a virus and I was unable to fix it until I returned home. I then had a myriad of things that had to be done right away and didn't have the time to sit down and write about what was going on. Since I last posted I have made a decision on graduate school and started on the long path of moving out of state this summer. I am sure that Colorado is the place for me and is the next doorway I must walk through in my life's journey. It seems that everything is pointing that direction and after much prayer, a lot of talking, and several hours of contemplation I have made my decision. The letter goes out tomorrow and will make things final. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I have never lived anywhere away from home and I never really expected to, but now I am. The people at the school are all very nice and the town I am moving to looked great on my visit there. Of course, I am aware that there will be things I will not like and adjusting that will have to take place, but that would be true for anywhere I went. I am looking forward to what this next chapter of my life holds. I will be sad to leave my house and my family and friends, but there are new friends on the horizon and maybe even new family (fingers crossed). As for life right now, the semester is almost over and I am looking forward to its end with eagerness. This has been a bit of a rough semester for me and mostly for non-academic reasons. There have been so many things outside school to take up my time and attention that I have not been able to give school the attention I wanted, but I think all will turn out well. I did have a bit of sad news this past week. A very dear friend passed away and I find myself being constantly reminded of him. He was the type of man that you never forget and your heart always holds dear. He was someone I met in ministry and I used to love to watch him when there was music playing. He seemed to be transported to another world when my sister would sing "I Am Redeemed", or my cousin would sing "Lighthouse", and when I would sing "Amazing Grace" I can still hear him shouting "Glory" in his big booming voice with his hands lifted high. It was as though he was hearing the choirs of heaven and he wanted to join in. Well, now he can, and for his sake I am glad. He was suffering from cancer and it was taking a lot out of him and his wife. Now he is at peace and I am sure that if there really is a choir up in heaven he just as lively a member of the audience up there as he ever was down here. This Saturday we are going to remember his life, celebrate who he was, and I am thankful to have to chance to do so. Merle was a special man and there won't be another to replace him. I'm glad I had the opportunity to know him and to love him. It's people like him that come into your life and enrich it beyond your wildest dreams. They give you a gift that you in turn can give to another. That gift is love and is seen in its greatest form in the person of Jesus. Merle was so alive with the love of Jesus and it made him irresistible. I want that kind of love to rule my life, to be apparent to those around me the way it was to those around Merle. I also have another memorial service on Sunday. This one is for a professor from my department at the university. This man, too, was a loving, compassionate man. He was my lifeline when I wanted to give up on school and the dream I had. I prayed for the Lord to open doors for me and to send me someone who could help me and he sent me Dr. Hixon. I never knew what made this man answer my emails and agree to meet with me only to talk about my dreams and ideas, to give me advice for the future, but it never failed that anytime I called on him he responded with a care and concern I had never before seen in the academic world. His passing was truly a loss to those who benefited from the generous personality of this man.
So it would seem that death has once again touched my life and the lives of those around me. I know that it is inevitable, but that does not make it any less difficult to deal with. Sometimes I wonder what it will be like for there to be no more death. We would not miss the ones we love. We would not fear the loss of those close to us. We would not grieve because they have left us. At least I can say that for some of those whom I have lost I will again see them one day, and what a happy reunion it will be.
I guess those are my thoughts for now. I know there is more I want to write, more I should write, but my eyes are heavy and I need to rest. So, until next time, goodbye!

On My Way

Phew! It's been a long few days and now I find myself in a New Mexico airport awaiting a flight to Colorado. When I stop for a moment and reflect on the current situation all I can think is "Wow!" I can't believe things have gone the way they have. Two years ago I was just wishing to get into grad school and now I am flying out to check out a really good prospect. That's right, I am headed to Colorado to meet with people from a graduate program there that has accepted me and that I am very much interested in. This trip is really important to me for many reasons. First, it is the first time in my life that I have traveled somewhere completely on my own. There will be no one at the airport to greet me, no one at the hotel to say good night to, no one to help me navigate the three days I will be away from home. Of course, I am strictly speaking of humans. I am always aware that the Lord is with me, and that is truly a great comfort. But this time, it is just me meeting new people and having to scope out the territory so that I have the best information possible to make this gigantic life decision in front of me. I want to do it and I need to do it, but my nerves are definitely quaking inside me. The second reason this trip is so important is because I have three schools to choose from and I need this trip to help me decide something about this particular school. There are many things that ride on this decision and I am well aware of all of them. I think I know what I will do but I want to be absolutely positive that it is the right decision to make. I know that God is a loving Father Who always looks out for us and, contrary to my upbringing, will help us even when we make wrong decisions, but I want to make the right decision this time and I want to absolutely know it is the right decision. I am putting my complete trust in Him and leaning on Him to help and I know He will direct me in the right way. It's rather strange to me how much peace I actually have right now. I can get pretty stressed out rather easily but this time I am actually alright. I think that's a good thing. =D So, I will continue on to Colorado and pray that the trip is a good one with a good outcome. I think it will be. Actually, I can't wait to see how things look when the trip is over and I have returned home. There are new horizons in front of me and although the dawn has not yet allowed enough light in so that I can see across the expanse, it has let in enough light so that I can see clearly the next few steps in front of me; and that is all I need.

My Movie Moment

Today was a day like any other, until it happened -- my movie moment. I had met my Mr. Darcy for a cup of coffee on the university campus and was enjoying the beautiful Tucson weather when I realized that my family was out there as well performing their music. It's been almost a year and a half since I performed with them and I have moments when I really miss them; miss the music. We had split ways because my focus is more on my academic pursuits rather than my music. I still perform every now and then but it is not an every day thing anymore. My family is not really O.K. with that and so we have gone our separate ways. As Mr. Darcy and I finished our coffee and started strolling across the campus we passed my musical family. I'm not sure if they noticed me, but I made no attempt to catch their attention. I thought that perhaps on my way back to my lab I would stop by and say hello. I did actually have some news for them. I had heard from my 5th and final graduate school and the verdict was admittance. I had made it into two top ten schools and one top twenty-five school. I was on the waiting list for another top ten school and another strong university. I had not been rejected at any of the schools. This outcome had far exceeded my expectations for my graduate applications and I was very excited about the prospects in front of me. I have such a feeling of anticipation and impending change, change for the better. I am finally starting to live my dream and I would like for my family to be a part of that. So, as I said good bye to Mr.Darcy and headed back to the lab I wandered in the direction of where my family was performing. As I got closer I could make out the voice of one of my sisters singing. She was belting out a very bluesy rendition of "Amazing Grace". I used to sing that song with them. It had been my song. The memories started to flood my head and I was transported back to the days when we performed together. As my brother played a sax solo I realized how much I missed hearing such good music. It was truly soul music. I could feel it in the deepest part of me, take hold of me, and the intense desire to join in grabbed me. I almost started singing out loud on the university campus! As I continued to walk closer to where they were the music grew louder and completely engulfed me. If there was anything true about my family it is that they are truly exceptional musicians. They know how to make music and when they were singing about things that meant something to them they were even more phenomenal. They were completely engrossed in the song. They did not see me approach them. I stood at the back of the stage and watched them. I saw my mom smiling as she played her bass guitar, my brother closing his eyes as he sang with everything in him, my sister playing the drums like it was her favorite thing to do in the world, and my other sister belting out her notes with the skill of a trained musician and the heart of a true artist. It was lovely, wonderful, and bittersweet. I knew that the moment I told them my good news the smiles would be gone, the enjoyment would drain from their eyes, and the warmth I felt from their music would turn stone cold. As I stood their and watched my family I realized that I was no longer a part of them. I was free. Free to pursue my hopes and dreams, free to pursue my God-given purpose in this life, free to be who I really was rather than the hologram my family had created for me, freed from the bonds that my family had for so long encouraged. While the music still pulled at my heart strings I knew that I could not go back. I could not re-enslave myself to something that was not meant for me. I would never forget my family and the good times we had together and I would never stop loving them but that part of my life was over and it was time for me to move on. With "Amazing Grace" pealing through the air in a perfect blend of my family's voices and instruments, I turned and began to walk away. Oh, the freedom I felt as I happily, purposefully walked away. If they saw me leave I hope they noticed that I was not down-trodden or sad. I was strong, invigorated, completely in love with life and most importantly my Saviour, Who had poured out His grace on me so that I might be everything He wanted me to be. I felt like I was in the closing scene of a movie when the music blares loudly and the main actor walks off the scene as the camera zooms out. It was an ending for me; a glorious, wonderfully dramatic (as the artist in me does like some drama), meaningful ending. It is done and now I can move on to the next chapter of life.

My Adventures

Goodness! My life has been one big adventure these past few weeks. I must say I am a bit tired from it, but in all, it's been a good adventure. I had a friend from Brazil staying with me for a couple of weeks and I really enjoyed having her around. I am still not used to living on my own and it was wonderful to come home and have someone to talk to again. It was so much fun to just sit around and laugh about things. The last week she was here was a rough week for me in school. I was up late almost every night working on homework and preparing for tests. To reward myself I agreed to accompany my friend on a stay at the biosphere research center that is about an hour outside Tucson. It was really different, but really cool. I was sad we only had one night to be there. It was sort of like living in a sci-fi movie for the night. Wacky but cool. We met some really great scientists and I reacquainted with someone I had met at an early event. We had a lot of fun talking, messing around on the piano and watching youtube videos of silly musicians. Who knew that a science gathering about rain forests could turn into a quasi musical gather?? It was really very enjoyable, though. The next morning we had to get up and eat breakfast and return to the city so I could attend my third educational conference of the year. I was running a bit late as I dropped my friend off at the house and continued on to the university, but I didn't really care. I was tired, so tired. When I arrived the conference attendees were on break, which gave me a great opportunity to find my lab mates and catch the last half of the presenters. The talks were great for the most part and I found myself forgetting how tired I was as I became engrossed in the lectures. The only downside was the man sitting next to me who smelled like he hadn't showered in days. I thought for sure my sense of smell was going to be ruined forever, but thankfully the olfactory nerves start to ignore a stimulus when it becomes overwhelming. I always knew there was a reason for that! Anyhoo, the rest of the conference was great and my lab partner and I had a good time eating lunch and presenting our poster. The rest of the day and Sunday I attempted to recover from my brutal schedule the week before, but that only partially worked. After helping my friend get ready to go and then driving her to the airport I was feeling pretty tired and ready to do nothing but sleep. I am happy to say I did just about that and it was wonderful. The next week started with a bang with the first of two tests that week being on Tuesday. The next one was on Friday and there was an online assignment that was due as well. I spent the whole week studying once again and trying to maintain my job as well as my work in the lab. It was crazy!!! I kept telling myself it would get better when Spring Break came. Spring Break is here and it has hardly gotten better. Although, I must say I have had some really good times this weeks. Another friend came to visit me and stayed a couple of days. We went out and had several girl get together with some mutual friends. It was a lot of fun. The absolute silliness that goes on when a group of girls gets together is not to be matched by much else. It had been a while since I had been on a girl's outing and I found myself really missing it. I am still working, in fact working more this week than usual, as well as working in the lab and still working on that online assignment. I was sad to see my friend leave yesterday, but a little relieved to not be entertaining anyone else for the next little bit. Now, I am home trying to get things done. Oh ya! I forgot to mention that in the middle of all this I was accepted to two graduate programs and have been trying to find out as much as I can about both. It's a lot of work and I have spent hours on the computer trying to find information and figure things out, but it is also very exciting. I will most likely be moving this summer and I am really excited about that adventure. Of course, if it proves to be anything close to what I've been experiencing I might die at a young age, but I would die happy. So, that's been my life for now. Crazy but good.

Perplexed!!

I'm up late, well past my bedtime, because I can't sleep. The thoughts keep swirling around and around in my head and the possibilities leave me feeling sick. I have so many decisions in front of me and I have absolutely no answers. I know how I want things to go but I have been most firmly assured that they will not happen that way. I have in front of me my dreams of the field I want to work in and on the opposite side is the one I want to be with. And yet, I wonder if this is really what I want. I know I want to go on to graduate studies and doctoral studies. I have been writing about it on here for the past two years. I finally got accepted to a couple of programs and now it seems the decision facing me is not what is best for me but what is best for "us". I feel like if I make the best decision for me then I will be betraying the person I have said I want to be with forever. Yet, he can't even seem to bring himself to make the arrangement permanent. It seems that if I choose what is best for me then I will be walking away from the only person I have ever really loved and all the dreams I have with him, but if I choose to stay with him I have no assurance that I will ever have fulfillment of my dreams. I feel like I can't really tell him this because then he would say that I am pressuring him into doing what he is not ready to do, but what about me? I need some assurance here! This not knowing is KILLING me! I absolutely hate it with everything in me. He tells me things and reassures me with words, but what are words? How are they reliable? I have known many a words that were spoken by many a trustworthy person that had no more substance to them than the air particles it took to breathe them out. What makes him any different? I'm not saying that he is not, just that I am not sure I know how to trust him like that. I want to trust him, I want to believe him, but I have nothing to back it up but words, and I have been burned so many times with words. I don't think I can keep going like this. It is literally tearing me up. What do I do? I don't even know how to begin to handle it. I guess that means it is back to my knees with a whole lot more praying to do. I want to make the right decision for me and I am hoping that it will help things work out with me and my love, but what if it doesn't? How do I choose? Why do I have to? I am very much perplexed!

An Observation

He quietly sits and listens while you tell your stories - stories of personal failures, stories of frustration and anger, stories of hopes and dreams that you hold near to your heart, stories of struggles that you have, stories of the past and the present. As you talk he simple sits and listens. He waits patiently for you to finish, to have your say. Then, when you are done, he looks at you and with gentleness he imparts wisdom. He gives you good advice and offers comfort - not comfort that is tangible, but so very real nonetheless. He assures you in the things you do that are right and encourages you to press on in making right decisions. He seems to never tire of telling you the truth and helping direct you in the right way. His voice is full of love and gentleness and his eyes are tenderly pleading with you to listen to him. There have been times when I have wondered if perhaps my voice was not a noisy gong or grating sound to his ears, if my complaints and annoyances were not like a house guest that has overstayed his welcome. If they are he does not let on that it is so. I have wondered if he ever notices that he gives the same advice over and over again when it often goes unheeded. Does it bother him that he offers the same answer to the same question each time it is asked? Does he ever get tired of his role? If he does, he does not show it. He has more patience that just about anyone else I have ever met. I have on occasion seen him loose his temper but it was only after it had been provoked numerous times without cessation. I must admit, when I step back and observe him I am in awe of the qualities I see but I know that those qualities did not come easily. They were worked at over years of hard trials and many testings. They are the refined products of a Master Refiner. I have my own trials and testings that seem to be almost nonstop, and many times I wonder what if anything they are accomplishing. I do hope, though, that one day I will be able to look back at where I have been and where I am and realize I have at least some of the same qualities I see in him. It would be a blessing indeed.

A Reflection

Sometimes life seems so hard. Sometimes it can even seem impossible to maintain a proper view of things. I have often wondered why it seems that some of the simplest things turn out to be the most difficult and many times impossible to grasp. The only conclusion of sorts that I have come to is that those things are, most of the time, connected to people and people are flawed. You cannot make someone see the truth of a situation, or the light that is so blatantly glaring at them, or even the giant cliff that they are edging towards. In your perspective it should be fairly easy to see or realize, but it isn't. In your mind's eye the simple rules of the universe and human kind are just that, simple. But for others they are not. I don't think that it is because the rules aren't really simple; rather, I think it is our perspective and point of view that makes them simple or even visible for that matter. Still, it is baffling to me that someone cannot grasp the simple themes of life such as family bonds and lasting relationships. There are some that claim it is society and the culture of our day that leaves people so clueless as to what is truly valuable and what is not. I would argue that is not the case. As I look over history and examine the Scriptures, it seems to me that there has always been this struggle between what is truth and what is not. There have been so many things presented as truth that were nothing more than deceit in its most malicious form. There have always been people or ideologies that have tried to corrupt the fundamental laws and truths that God set in place when He created this world. Throughout history there have been those who have carelessly discarded, and sometimes purposefully tried to stomp out, those things such as the family unit, an adherence to truth, and living by the code of putting others before yourself. The interesting thing is that life will never be pleasant or even fulfilling without these things. These are rules that God has made an inherent part of the universe and how it runs. If you try to ignore those rules, things don't run right. It doesn't matter if you are a person devoid of any relationship with God or you are a supposedly religious person who acknowledges God. The rules are the same for everyone and everyone is affected when we don't live by them. What is perhaps most sad, in my opinion, is that there are so many so called 'enlightened' people who are so unenlightened. Those who parade around as 'the voice of God' and yet cannot even live by the simplest of God's commands. They trump the value of the family, rely on deceit to further themselves, and live in a world of self-adoration while proclaiming that they are living the Bible to it's fullest extent. More ironically still, they cannot see that the path behind them is filled with the carcasses and decrepit bodies of those murdered and maimed by their actions and the stench of it is inescapable. Yet, they only see flowers and beautiful landscapes and smell perfume that is not there. They have lived in deceit for so long they have deceived themselves. It would seem that the truth was blatantly obvious and that it is so simple to realize what is really there, but for some reason it is not. Sadly, it is even more difficult to make those following on the path behind to realize that they are stepping over the bones of those who have fallen on the same path and that the ultimate end is a drop off, not eternal bliss. Still, they cannot see it, or will not see it. And one is left to wonder why the simple things, the most obvious things are sometimes the hardest to see.

I Think He Really Loves Me

When he holds me in his arms my whole world stops. My knees grow weak and I melt in his arms. When he walks in a room by heart skips a beat and a smile tugs at my lips. When he kisses me I tingle from head to toe. When I look in his eyes I see they are warm with love and when he touches me his hands emit loving tenderness. He is gentle and tenderhearted, yet strong. He waits to go to bed each night until we have said good night. He stops his work to accept a hug from me and has a goofy grin on his face as he returns to his duties. He sends me flowers and love notes and calls just to chat. Yes, I think I really loves me. He holds me when I cry and cheers me when I'm sad. He comes over just so he can be with me even when we can't sit down and spend time with each other. He asks for my opinion and listens to my advice. He encourages me to pursue my hopes and dreams and is one of the loudest fans in my cheering section. He helps me do the hard things in life and never lets me quit when I shouldn't. He shares his life with me and is always willing to share mine. He always reassures me that he loves me and I think he really does.

Relief

It's over, and I am relieved. For the past two and a half years I have been working in an environment that is not good for anyone let alone someone who is dealing with major life issues. But this Friday it all came to an end. I have never been so excited to leave a place in my whole life. It took a lot to keep myself from floating as I walked out of my place of employment. I wanted to cry as I drove home. Cry from relief, cry that is was all finally over, cry that it had taken so long to get to this point. I was glad things had ended amicably. It really was time for me to go. The decision was good for me; good for my employer. I spent the night at home last night trying to recover from the stress I have been under. I slept for ten hours straight and could have slept some more if I hadn't had things to do this morning. Finally. I cannot express how much I have needed this. The stress in my life has been growing to monumental proportions for the past four years and it has only been in the past few months that I have been able to start whittling away at the mountain. I am actually beginning to make some progress and I am so happy I am. January was the climax of a lot of things for me and I am so glad it is done and over with. I accomplished a lot but I also suffered a lot. Thankfully there is a new horizon in front of me and I look forward to the journey with much anticipation. Getting sleep helped. I feel better than I have in a long time, but there is more work to do. I need to recover fully and that will be my single-most important goal in the coming days. I will keep you posted as I progress. I hope it will be interesting.

How Do You.........?

How do you deal with a world you feel like is spinning out of control? How do you plan for a future that feels uncertain? How do you keep going when you're not sure where you are going? How do you take the next step when you don't know what the next step is or where it will take you? How do you forget what you have experienced and focus on who and what you are today when the experiences of the past helped shape who you are? How do you let go of the things that have become so much a part of you? How do you let someone go when you love them so much? How are you to pretend that things don't hurt when they very much do? How do you pretend life is a bed of roses when it is a path of thorns and thistles? How do you learn to avert your gaze from all that is wrong and focus on the things that at least appear to be right? How do yo learn what is enough and what is too much? How do you live? How do you tell those you love the most that you must part ways and go separate paths? How do you stop missing them and wanting them to still be on the same path as you? How do you learn to make new ties when the wounds from the old ties are still very real? How do you keep telling the truth when everything around you seems to be lies and deception? How do you learn to distinguish reality from ideals? How do you determine what you can actually do and what is an elusive dream you are constantly reaching for? How do you tell someone they mean the world to you without letting them think they own you? How do tell someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them when they don't want to hear it? How do you relate what you want or need without making someone feel obligatory towards you? How do you learn to fit into the social "norms" that are expected of you when you have spent twenty plus years just being you? How does someone see you as you are and like that but then want you to be someone else? How do you change as you need to without being untrue to who you really are? How do you decide what change is good and necessary and what it not? How do you learn to live in a new place, in a new environment when you feel like a visiting alien?

Tonight

I am sitting at home eating an amazing bowl of spaghetti, watching my favorite show and enjoying my first bit of sunshine for the day. Yes, that's right, my day's been a bit of a disaster. I suppose I shouldn't complain because everyone has one at some point or another. I just wish I didn't seem to have them quite so frequently these days. I have been telling myself for the last month that after January life will be much better; I just never took into account that building up to that point would be so stressful. Oh well, at least I have my spaghetti. =D My last semester ended well. It was really tough but when all was said and done I was more than happy with the outcome. Then I had an amazing two week break. I went to the Eastern United States and had such a wonderful time. I saw so many great things and meet so many fascinating people as well as see family and old friends. I had the greatest surprise ever when the love of my life made one of my all-time dreams come true. He took me to the New York City Ballet to see the Nutcracker. It was so beautiful! I have never been happier in my life. I also went into the New England countryside and there was snow and everything was so storybook like. I was literally in a winter wonderland for two whole weeks. I was sad to leave it but I was happy to return home. When I got back, there were several things waiting for me that I had to take care of. It seems the month of January had multiple things planned for every single day of the month. *Sigh* Among those things to take care of were graduate applications and the beginning of school. I am half done with the month and I still have so much to do!!!! But, tonight I am recovering from my horrendous day and not feeling bad about doing so. I have homework to do and things that are due, and they will get done, but tonight I am resting. Hmmm. Guess that's all for now.