Help

When you need help it seems it is the hardest thing in the world to ask. You know absolutely you need it, know that things will not get better until you get it, but still you hesitate to ask. Then, when you do ask it seems as though it will take a million years until you finally see any results. Why is that? Why do we humans feel so reluctant to ask for help in the first place, even when it is inconceivable that we would not need it? Perhaps it is because we do not want to appear weak and unable to handle things on our own. For me it is a matter of independence. I don't want to others to think that I am incapable of doing things on my own and I don't want to admit to myself that I am incapable of doing everything on my own. Alas, I must admit that I do indeed need help and quite a bit of it. I find myself at a point in my life when I feel most helpless to do anything about the things that fill my life, the matters that control my thoughts and actions. I find myself feeling as though I have stumbled into a giant vortex that keeps my thoughts, emotions, and feelings constantly spinning, never stopping. I find it hard to remember which side is up and which is down except that I know when the dread becomes the greatest and the feelings of absolute helplessness are at their peak I am assured that I am headed towards the bottom and further from the top. Yet, amidst all this churning and swirling I find it hard to reach out and ask for help. Maybe it is the shame and embarrassment I feel at admitting I need help and lots of it at the present moment, or maybe it is fear that keeps me so locked up-fear that others might judge me, might not understand where I am coming from, might reject me. Of course I know that fear is not a good reason to do anything, nor is shame, but I still find myself hesitant. I wish this were not so. I wish that asking for and receiving help were easy, but they are not. I am not even sure which is harder to do, realize you need the help or asking for it. I have realized I need it. It is a monster I can no longer run from, no longer rationalize away. It stares me in the face morning, noon and night. I have faced that fact head on and now I am grappling with the task of asking. I have timidly set one foot forward and will continue to force one in front of the other on this road that looks to be long and tedious in duration, but it is a hard task. Ironically, I don't do it for myself, I do it for those I love. I know that my pain, my suffering, my trials affect those closest to me and in order to protect them I am continuing this battle with the demons that haunt me and relentlessly try to drag me down. I know that there will never be any peace for them until I have peace. It might not be the greatest reason to ask for help but it is what is motivating me at the moment. I don't want to risk the relationships I have by being stubborn and refusing to acknowledge that I am human and I am in need of assistance for things. So, here it is, as clear as I can make it. I need help to cope with the past that I wish were not so, and I am asking for it. Now, I hope and pray that is enough, or at any rate a start.