The Rain

It's rainy today and it's beautiful. I love Tucson in the monsoon season. I love to hear the rain as it falls and watch the lightening streak across the sky. I love to hear the thunder and feel it vibrate my very being as it rumbles in the dark sky. I love the rain, especially Tucson summer rain! It's great. Such a blessing. I'm so glad the Lord saw fit to bless us with storms. They are so beautiful and such a great tangible reminder of how wonderful God truly is. I am sitting here remembering how much I posted last summer on the rain and realizing how little I have said about it this summer. Perhaps the rain and storms in my own life have kept me from noticing the magnificent natural occurrences happening all around me. Now, I am pausing to notice and I am thrilled that I have. It's always seemed a little odd to me how much I love the rain when so many see it as dreary and unwanted. I never have seen it that way. It has reminded me of tears a time or two and has seemed like a picture of the inner workings of my person at times, but it has never been a bad thing for me. I love the coolness that the rain brings, the sense of relief - like a long drink after a time of thirst - that it brings, and most of all I love how vibrant it makes the everyday colors and shapes that we see. A tree is just a tree in the sunlight; but darken the sky with clouds and let the rain fall and suddenly it is a vibrant mass of brown and green that seems to shout, "I am ALIVE!!!!" It's wonderful! There's nothing like it. I love to walk outside after it rains and notice the world around me. It never seems to be as vivid and plain to me as it is at that moment. The rain clears the fog and pollutants that cloud the atmosphere and hinder our clear vision of the world, and perhaps it clears our own eyes so that they are opened anew to the wonderful, beautiful world the Lord has created all around us. The rain and what it does is something I will always be thankful for and I am glad I have that reminder of just how beautiful and benevolent my wonderful Saviour is. He gives us rain to help us grow and to wash away all the debris that may cloud our vision. Yes, I love the rain!

The Girl, Part 6

As she gathered her things to go the girl paused a moment to take one last look around the castle. There was where she had spent her time as a child. There was the woman who had been so kind to her in her rough adolescent years. There was the friend who had given her so much support in some of the darkest hours of her life here at the castle. There were the children who had been such a source of joy to girl. There was that one special child that seemed to be linked to the girl with a soul tie that could not ever be truly broken. Yes, there would certainly be things that she missed. She had loved the people in the castle, loved many aspects of castle life, but now it was time to move on, time to find the truth and live it. As she looked around she tried to prepare herself to say good bye to her family and friends and start the long journey back to her current place of residence. She had a heavy heart as she prepared to go for she knew that in many ways the relationships she had had at the castle would never be the same again. There was a place in her heart that would forever be empty of the joy it had once felt. She would never again experience the closeness with those in the castle she had once been so close to. It was a sorrowful thought, but it was a reality. So, she squared her shoulders and began her exit from the castle. After the sad goodbyes and tight embraces, the girl waited for the gates to open and then passed through them on to the road that would take her home. With each step away from the castle she felt a new freedom. It was as though an unseen chain was loosening as she moved away from the castle. Each step forward left another link to the chain lying in the dust behind her. She felt as though a giant burden had been lifted from her shoulders and she could now breathe the air as she was intended to.
The girl would follow this road home to her house and from there she knew not where she would go, but it didn't matter. She knew that she was on the right path and that as long as she stayed on that path she would find her destiny, fulfill her quest for answers. With each day things began to grow clearer and thoughts of the future became less clouded with doubt and more full of hope. There were answers, there was a purpose to her life, and she could succeed at being what she was created to be. Her return to her house was the next step in her journey and it would allow her to prepare for the steps that would follow. An air of anticipation hung over her as she traveled home. She was so excited about what the future held for her. She could not and would not look back at the castle. Yes, her family and many friends were there, but they had chosen to remain, had chosen to close their eyes to the truth and she could not shake them into reality. She would miss them and the closeness of their bond, but she must move on. Her life lay in front of her and she must grasp it and push onward, never looking back to the hinderances and bondages that the castle represented to her. She was free!!! And how she enjoyed being free!
There was a smile on the girl's face as she reached home and settled into her house. The unseen chain was gone, it's links scattered over the road she had trod to get here. She did not have all the answers she wanted nor was she satisfied with her life at the moment, but she now had hope that she could indeed be successful in her aims and goals. She relished the thought that she was now truly free to be and accomplish all that she was intended for. There was a bliss in knowing that she could now start the great adventure that would be her life.

A Thought

I know I've been telling a story recently and I will continue with it, but I have some thoughts that I wanted to express in the meantime. For the past 10 years, at least, I have thought that I had some good ideas about relationships and about what love is and how it works between two people. I came to the realization today that maybe those thoughts haven't been the most realistic. Maybe I have been attempting to live a fairytale dream, hoping that what I thought should be would wind up being what is. I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I have made some very grave misjudgments on what does and does not constitute loving someone. I feel completely ridiculous and childish saying this, but I don't think I have been very in touch with reality. Quite frankly, I am scared at the decisions I have made and the ones I will soon have to make, wondering if maybe I have gotten it all wrong. I know everyone goes through something like this in their life but I just didn't see this coming. I thought I knew what I wanted, what I was looking for, the way it should play out. How incredibly wrong I have been!!!!! Suddenly, all those things I was so sure of I am not so sure of anymore and larger, more pressing questions come into play - ones that have absolutely no romantic link to them whatsoever. What if I make too many mistakes and can't recover from them? What if I decide the wrong thing? What if I put myself in a position that I can't get out of? I know these question, and perhaps even this entire post, may seem a bit dramatic and over done to most of you, and maybe you are right. Perhaps I am just feeling skiddish about some things, but nonetheless, I am feeling that way right now. A very wise friend keeps telling me that I can't rush to make certain decisions and for the most part I have laughed him off thinking he was just commitment shy or being much too cautious, but now I see how wrong I was. I thought I was being careful, thought I was making thoughtful decisions, but what if I wasn't? What if I was just operating off of emotions? Then what? What if I wake up one day and realize I have made an incredibly huge mistake and there's no turning back? These are frightening thoughts for me but at the very least they are sobering. I realize that I have not been taking some things as seriously as I should and maybe, just maybe I have been too hasty in some of my decisions and judgments. It's definitely worth looking over again. Definitely worth taking time to stop and re-evaluate. At the very least I can say that I have learned a valuable lesson in what it means to jump into something too quickly, when you feel like you are ready but if you just stop and take a step back you would realize that maybe you are not quite as ready as you thought you were. Hmm. That leaves me with quite a bit to think about and some to re-think about. I guess that's the way life goes sometimes.

The Girl, Part 5

The girl was visiting the castle and in so many ways she was enjoying herself. It was so good to see old friends and visit with family. There was nothing like being able to wrap her arms around her loved ones and give them a warm embrace. She was most thankful for the chance to catch up with those who were closest to her heart and just having the chance to hold them in her arms meant the world to her. Most of the people in the castle seemed genuinely happy to see her, and yet, there were those who were most decidedly unhappy with her presence. As the girl moved about the castle and visited everyone she was surprised at the odd way in which warmth and coldness, love and hatred seemed to be mixed. For all the warm greetings and cheerful hello's there was one cold shrugging off, complete denial of her presence. At times it was those who were once closest to her that treated her this way and the pain she felt tore through her like a knife ripping through her very soul. She tried to ignore it and move on, but she could not deny the deep hurt that tugged at her heart each time these encounters happened. No, she could not stay here. The castle was not her final resting place in the journey of her life. She would need to keep searching. The time of her visit would most assuredly come to an end and when it did she would leave, never to return again. Perhaps she might visit again, but she would never live withing the walls and confines of the castle ever again. The realization of this made her look at castle life more deeply. What did it all mean? Why did the inhabitants live their lives locked away and shut off from the rest of the world? What were they trying to keep out? What were they hiding from? Why did they try to create a world of their own when they were still very much living here on the earth? These questions filled the girl's head as she wandered too an fro about the castle. It was strange that she had ever been a part of it. Almost surreal in the realization of it. But had she ever really been a part of it? She didn't think so. She had been born into the castle, but the castle had not been born into her, and that is what made all the difference in the world. She was not like her family. They were very much a part of the castle, for better or for worse. They didn't seem to be able to separate themselves from it. But the girl couldn't seem to bind herself to it. The ties that tried to bind her never held and because of it she could now look at life here in the castle with a much more open, objective view; and that led to some startling realizations for the girl.
She had been happy as a child here in the castle. Well, in some ways. Upon remembering her childhood there had been things that were really great but there were other things, terrible things, that had not been so great. She had always wondered why she had experienced the bad things in a place that seemed so loving and warm. Now that she was older and had returned, she knew why. It was the same reason that some of the inhabitants treated her so coldly. Intolerance, bitterness, hatred, selfishness, and fear. These things resided in the residents of the castle, filling some of them completely, and it did what it could only do - produce mean, cold-hearted, unforgiving people. On the surface they were not so, but deep inside that is what they were. The girl noticed that it seemed to be much more apparent in the older people, with the younger people not being quite as affected, but if they did not guard against it, it would take them over as well.
Now, as the girl roamed the castle the walls seemed cold and uninviting, the life seemed tainted and unpleasant. It was not what she had been trained to think it was. It was an illusion, an attempt on the part of those that lived there to fulfill an ideal in a faulty, flawed manner. The result was a dangerous deception and a removal from reality. No wonder the walls of the castle had been erected with such thickness and height. No wonder they kept the gates so locked up and the inhabitants safely bound inside. No wonder they guarded the castle and their life inside so fiercely. No wonder they could not bear to be a part of the outside world. Any glimpse of reality, any encounter with truth would shake the very foundations of the world they had created and then what would they have? Nothing but a heap of rubble and years of wasted lives. That would be a lot to deal with and no one was volunteering for the task. Instead, they were attempting to press on with the dream, the illusion, hoping that it would one day become a reality, a truth they would not have to defend.
The girl returned to her room and began packing her things with a heavy heart. She knew that she must sever the ties that bound her to this place once and for all. She could not return. She had seen it for what it really was and she could not close her eyes to the truth and pretend it was not what it was. She now understood why she had so many unanswered questions. She would leave this place of lies and illusions and keep traveling until she found her answers. She knew they were out there as sure as she knew she was alive. There had to be a way to find them. Perhaps her experiences here at the castle would help her in her quest. It could not have been for nothing that she had started on this journey. There must be purpose and a plan to it all and she would strive to find that plan.

Thank You

I know I have been writing a story and I will finish but I just had to interrupt briefly. I haven't written much this past week because I was getting ready for a house warming party for my new house. It was the first real event that I have had to totally plan all by myself and I was really nervous over it. But, I am happy to report that everything went off really really well and I am so happy with the outcome. Of course, I couldn't have done it without some really great friends and family and I just wanted to say thank you to all who were involved. You guys were awesome! The help and support was so welcome and so timely. I really couldn't have done it without you. Thank you! My house looks beautiful and the even went so well. I managed to get the food done and on the table and actually not be 100% frazzled over it. I was so proud of myself and my house and so grateful to my friends and family for helping make it possible. It was a weekend to remember.

The Girl, Part 4

The new day dawned with the sun shining brightly and the girl feeling refreshed from a good night's rest. She was surprised at how well she had slept but glad for the much-needed rest. As she gathered her things and got ready to head towards the castle her heart was racing and her mind was full of wonderings. How would her family receive her? How would she feel about the castle after being away for so long? What would her perspective of castle life be now? As she traveled closer and closer to the castle gates she tried to stop the thoughts from crowding her mind and overwhelming her. As she stepped up to the portal to ring the bell and enter she drew in her breath very slowly. She calmed her nerves and determined to remain in control of herself. As the gates swung open she gasped at the scurrying and bustling of castle life that greeted her. It was all just as she had remembered. The people everywhere running about trying to keep schedules, the children - so many of them!- gathered around her to greet her. They had not forgotten her and their glad cries of welcome assured her that they had not stopped loving her. The girl stepped into the castle and felt the doors close behind her, but she decided to ignore this and instead focus on immersing herself in castle life, at least for the moment. Her family came to see her and one by one she hugged and kissed them, so happy to see them all! She reacquainted herself with those who might not have remembered her and made a mental note to be sure that during her visit she stopped and said hello to everyone she knew. The love and warmth that she had remembered was still there. The welcoming, embracing bond that is shared by those that have shared a lifetime together was still very strong between the girl and those in the castle. Yes, she was home, and she knew it. Yet, she found herself wondering what home really meant. She had all the nostalgic feelings and tugging of the heart strings that assured her she was very much a part of the castle and its secluded world and it was very much a part of her, but that was not all there was to the feelings. There was something more, something she couldn't quite describe, but was so very real to her. She would wait until her stay at the castle was over before she tried to describe or even determine for herself how she really felt or what those feelings meant.
The girl finally made it to her temporary residence and began to unpack her things. She would settle into life at the castle for the time of her visit and hope that it would provide her with answers. She had no idea how the visit would turn out but she was here now and there was no turning back. Maybe now that she was older and more experienced she would be able to see the things her parents and the older members of castle society had always insisted were the right ways of doing things, the proper paths the follow in one's life. This time of visiting would be at least one more attempt at seeing things their way, of trying to see what the right things were, what the truth was. She hoped that it would at the very least give her some idea of where to find her answers she had looked so long and hard for.