A Thought

I know I've been telling a story recently and I will continue with it, but I have some thoughts that I wanted to express in the meantime. For the past 10 years, at least, I have thought that I had some good ideas about relationships and about what love is and how it works between two people. I came to the realization today that maybe those thoughts haven't been the most realistic. Maybe I have been attempting to live a fairytale dream, hoping that what I thought should be would wind up being what is. I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I have made some very grave misjudgments on what does and does not constitute loving someone. I feel completely ridiculous and childish saying this, but I don't think I have been very in touch with reality. Quite frankly, I am scared at the decisions I have made and the ones I will soon have to make, wondering if maybe I have gotten it all wrong. I know everyone goes through something like this in their life but I just didn't see this coming. I thought I knew what I wanted, what I was looking for, the way it should play out. How incredibly wrong I have been!!!!! Suddenly, all those things I was so sure of I am not so sure of anymore and larger, more pressing questions come into play - ones that have absolutely no romantic link to them whatsoever. What if I make too many mistakes and can't recover from them? What if I decide the wrong thing? What if I put myself in a position that I can't get out of? I know these question, and perhaps even this entire post, may seem a bit dramatic and over done to most of you, and maybe you are right. Perhaps I am just feeling skiddish about some things, but nonetheless, I am feeling that way right now. A very wise friend keeps telling me that I can't rush to make certain decisions and for the most part I have laughed him off thinking he was just commitment shy or being much too cautious, but now I see how wrong I was. I thought I was being careful, thought I was making thoughtful decisions, but what if I wasn't? What if I was just operating off of emotions? Then what? What if I wake up one day and realize I have made an incredibly huge mistake and there's no turning back? These are frightening thoughts for me but at the very least they are sobering. I realize that I have not been taking some things as seriously as I should and maybe, just maybe I have been too hasty in some of my decisions and judgments. It's definitely worth looking over again. Definitely worth taking time to stop and re-evaluate. At the very least I can say that I have learned a valuable lesson in what it means to jump into something too quickly, when you feel like you are ready but if you just stop and take a step back you would realize that maybe you are not quite as ready as you thought you were. Hmm. That leaves me with quite a bit to think about and some to re-think about. I guess that's the way life goes sometimes.