The Quest

As I mentioned in my last post, I have a new quest I am about to set out on.  Along with that quest I have some goals I am aiming to accomplish which will help determine the success of my quest.  There are really two large goals - 1. To learn how to care for myself and my things.  2. To learn how to be free.  Wow, as I write those I am immediately impressed with the enormity of those goals.  They're pretty huge, and I'm not even sure in the slightest how I am going to accomplish them, but then, that's what the quest is for.  I don't know where this quest will lead me or what I will face on the journey, but I am hoping it will end with my accomplishing these two goals.

Now, I am a huge planner and I would love nothing more than to plan this quest out to the nth degree.  However, that would only delay me in starting and would, in some ways, defeat the purpose of this quest.  So, the first thing I will be doing is NO PLANNING.  This will be a spontaneous quest.  I will do this.  I can do this.  It will not end terribly just because I did not plan it.  I will not die from not knowing what lies in front of me.  I will be alright with not knowing or controlling how things turn out.  There, my pep talk is done; now, let's move on.

While I will not plan this quest, what I will do is lay out some of the things I need to accomplish on this quest.  They are as follows:
To learn how to care for myself and my things --
1. Develop a solid sense of self-worth in order to establish the importance of caring for myself.
2. Develop the habit of caring for my body and my health in general
3. Develop the habit of caring for my property
4. Maintaining clean living spaces on a regular basis

To learn how to be free --
1. Try one new activity every two weeks
2. Try one new food every week
3. Learn how to lose myself in something
4. Pay down debt (this is a huge one for me in being able to feel like I can be free)
5. Learn how to worry less and have more fun

I know some of these seem really general or vague, at least they do to me, but that's the best I can do for now.  These are areas that I know will be hard for me on this quest but I am so tired of things being the same way.  I need to change.  I probably can't do all this on my own, so it's a really good thing I have a great Friend who will be with me along the way.  He promised to never leave me or forsake me and I believe Him.  Well, here I go.  Wish me luck!!

Wintry Ramblings

It's been winter outside my window for that past 3 days and I'm starting to tire of it.  I know we desperately need the precipitation, so I'm not completely tired of it.  However, I am really hoping the spring will arrive some time soon.  As I type this, I am looking out my window at the drafts of snow that seem to never stop.  We've had over a foot of snow in the past 2 days and it just keeps going.  It's as though the winter was running late and is now rushing to complete itself before the warmth of the sun overtakes it. Hmm.  That seems funny to me.  I have a mental picture of a big blue cloud sweeping into town with puffs of powdery snow spewing from him while the sun can be seen in the background steadily moving forward.  Hehe.  Just a little taste of how my mind works.

Well, aside from the late winter, there's been lots of other goings on.  Work has been very busy for me over the past two months and it's mostly been paperwork, phone calls, emails, and follow ups with clients.  Unfortunately, I don't get paid for that stuff unless there is a client session to go along with it, and more often than naught these days, there has been no session.  I love what I do and I'm really glad I can help with certain things; I just wish I got paid to do it.  *Sigh*  Maybe some day.

Mr. Darcy has been crazy busy starting a company of his own and there have been many ups and downs over the past few months.  I really am so very proud of him and I think he will do really well if the company can ever get off the ground.  It's a lot of work and very little pay-off in the short term, but we are hoping that it will pay off well in the long term.

Outside of work, life has been a bit crazy as well.  Sometimes I don't know what to make of the waves of calm and craziness that seem to ebb and flow in life.  For a few weeks, there is not much going on and the routine of life carries you through each day with the consistency of a properly wound grandfather clock.  Then, your life is suddenly changed and everything is hectic.  There is no routine, there is only survival and functioning.  You get past the worst of it and the routine takes over again.  It's kinda strange, but even this back and forth of order and chaos seems to have a regular pattern to it.  I've come to expect it, and I don't mind it really.  Honestly, I'm not sure I could survive without it.  Which leads me to another thought.  I've often asked myself why it is that I seem to always end up in stressful situations, almost as though I am drawn to them.  Why is it that when everything is calm and uneventful, I feel uneasy and even stressed out?  I've thought about this a lot, and at least one conclusion I've come to is perhaps for me, being stressed is normal.  As such, when I am not stressed, it doesn't feel right.  So, I seek out stressful situations in order to bring myself back into "balance".  The trouble is, I'm pretty tired of being stressed.  I'm pretty tired of living my life that way.  I want to be able to relax and enjoy life.  I'm sick of being uptight and serious.  I guess what I'm really saying is, I'm sick of being the person I was trained to be.  I so desperately desire to break out of this mold I have been poured into and just be free. But I don't know how to do that.  So, I've made it my next quest - to be free.  Wish me luck on my journey, for I will surely need it.