The Forgotten Girl

When I was a kid I was the dorkiest little girl you ever saw. I was skinny as a rail and wore glasses that were too large for my face. Even worse, my left eye's vision was so poor that the lens in my glasses magnified my eye to the extent that people readily noticed my left eye looked larger than my right eye. I very rarely had my own clothes to wear and mostly ran around in things my 4 older sisters had handed down to me. Needless to say, I was never wearing the latest fashion in anything. To make matters worse, I was one of the biggest tomboys you ever met. That meant that my hair was usually an unkempt mess and my outfit was chosen for comfort rather than any sense of style or fashion. As I said, I was the dorkiest little girl you ever saw. I had nothing going for me and I was regularly made fun of for my appearance. I was an introvert to the max as a child. I preferred reading a book alone to playing with any of my friends, and that served me well in ignoring the fact that I was not one of the cool kids. The honest truth is that my books were always far kinder to me than the reality I lived in and I never had to worry about how "ugly" or unwanted I was when I was reading. Sadly, though, I am realist, and I always knew what I appeared like to others. I knew I wasn't pretty or nice to look at. I knew I wasn't popular.
 I gave you all that background to say this, today I realized something about myself that shocked me. I still see myself as that dorky, unattractive little girl. Twenty years have passed since I was that girl, but I have never shaken that identity. It's become a part of me, embedded in the deepest layers of my identity. Sure, I've changed a lot, particularly in the past 4 years, but deep down, in the part of me that no one sees, I am still her. I'm still wearing shabby clothes and glasses that don't fit and my hair is still a mess. I'm still ugly, still unlovable, still the dorkiest girl you'll ever meet. I'm amazed that I never realized before that girl was still alive and well inside of me, and still very much a part of me. Her presence motivates me to act in certain ways and believe certain things about myself. Who I am today is very much tied to who she was. I still prefer to be alone than to be with people, believing that others really don't want to be around me. I still feel awkward and funny looking to others. I'm still not comfortable in my own skin.
 While there are many things that have changed about me and I have grown up and grown out of so many bad habits and bad ideologies, I can't help but wonder how it is this girl has managed to stay here in my subconscious, influencing me in ways I never imagined. She affects my self-image, she influences the way I relate to my husband, she helps determine my attitude about how I take care of myself, and she is constantly whispering in my ear what others are thinking about me. How did this happen? Why is she still here? I ask these questions, and yet I know the answer. Early life experiences are important. They help shape who you become and how you view yourself. If those early experiences are bad and they are never addressed, they hang around, crouching in the shadows of your ever growing experiences, continuing to influence you until they are properly taken care of. I know this, but I never realized what it meant for me. I'm not sure why this realization happened today. Sometimes things just hit me at random moments. All I know it that suddenly, sitting at my desk, I saw a picture of myself staring into a mirror and the reflection gazing back was that little girl from so long ago. The pain that twinges in my chest tells me the picture is true; that is the reality of how I see myself. This forgotten girl from so many years ago has never really gone away. She has merely slipped into the shadows of my mind, where her influence is hidden but never nonexistent.

Being Honest

I feel like being honest today. Sorry if it's a bit too much for you; but I need to get it off my chest. It's been eating at me for a while and I figured that airing it out would help me deal with it. I've found that many times the things I think about over and over again and dwell upon with such passion, are often times not nearly as important or unsolvable when I talk openly about them as they seemed in my head. I seem to be able to spot ridiculous logic and unfounded feelings far better when they are written down or spoken aloud than when they are merely swirling around in my head. So, without further ado, here goes! I am scared. Scared I won't find a good job. Scared I won't be able to do well at a different job. Scared I won't measure up as a therapist. Scared I am a lousy professional who leaves much to be desired. I'm scared that if I ever get a "real job" I won't be able to handle the pressure. Scared I will never be a success. I'm scared that I am the one person in the entirety of history who went to school for something and learned nothing. I'm scared that all the nice things people say to me are not really true, but just a way to make me feel better about my ineptitude. I'm scared I will never achieve my dreams. I'm scared that my dreams are too big and not realistic. I'm scared that my dreams are fake and not really worth pursuing. I'm scared of trying new things. I'm scared of trying things I really want to try and scared of having new experiences that I am truly curious about. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared, plain and simple. I thought that after living on my own for a while and having a few adventure that my fears would subside. I thought that after some experience and at least a year on the job that I wouldn't be scared anymore. But, no, I am still scared. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever not be scared. To me that seems like a completely foreign concept, but it has to be possible. Why else would Scripture say that perfect love casts out fear? When I think about this, I realize that not only do I not have perfect love (something I continue to work on), but I don't truly believe in the perfect love of God. If I truly believed that God loved me and I loved Him, there would be no fear that He might fail me and I might fail Him. That's something to think about and definitely something worth pursuing.

Puppy Love

So, as I mentioned in my last post, Mr. Darcy and I recently got a new puppy. When we first started talking about getting a dog, I was a little apprehensive. I didn't want a little critter running around in my kitchen, getting dog hair all over the furniture. Mr. Darcy kept assuring me it wouldn't be like that and that having a dog would be so great. Still, I was skeptical. Then, I say her picture on the Humane Society website and I knew she was perfect. We went to meet her in person and I was sold. We had to have her. Last Saturday we picked her up and took her home, and our journey began. Her name is Chihiro, and I am in love with her. Her name is Japanese and means "A thousand questions" or "A thousand fathoms", and it suits so well. She is our little investigator. She sniffs out everything and is not comfortable in a new place until she has explored every nook and cranny. She is a mischievous little imp with all the hyperness and love a puppy is supposed to have. She is shy but curious and she is so sweet and loving that it's hard to not fall in love with her. Her little tail wagging frantically makes my heart so happy. I love feeling her puppy kisses on my hands and laughing when she tickles my feet with her little puppy tongue. She's a cuddle bug for sure, which makes her the perfect fit for our family. She doesn't like being along and is perfectly happy to sit next to me on the couch and nap while I work on this and that. She's a smart little puppy too. She's been with us for a week now and she's already almost completely house trained. She knows where she can and cannot go in the house and she's quick to ask for a treat when she's been a good puppy. I know this will sound silly, but I never imagined I would love a dog the way I love this little puppy. She has brightened up my life in the past week in ways I never imagined. She has been a real handful at times and she is definitely an added responsibility, but she has made coming home an absolute joy. Chihiro makes me laugh, makes me get out and do more, makes me focus on others rather than myself, and reminds me that love is a powerful motivator. She has been such a great addition to our family and I am so happy we got her.

Waiting

Today I am home sick for the first time in a while and I figured it was a great opportunity to blog. There's been so much going on in my life and my rush hour traffic brain has had a hard time staying focused on any one thing in particular. I don't like being sick, but it does afford me the chance to slow down and collect myself, so that's what I'm doing. It's funny how this comes at a time in my life when waiting seems to be the thing to talk about. It all started a few weeks ago. I've been really anxious about several things: getting a new job, wanting to find a new place to live, needing to make enough money to pay my bills, wanting to start a family, along with several other everyday worries. Of course, I guess it really all started last year when I didn't make it into a doctoral program and my grand plans were dashed into a million pieces. I had been following this nice little road map I had come up with for 3 years and then suddenly, the map was ripped out of my hands and burned up. I had no idea where to go next and what I was supposed to be following. I went into emergency mode and made decisions based on the only options I had in front of me, but I was devastated and my heart wasn't in the new path I was on. As the months went by I learned how to enjoy where I was and relax in not knowing what was coming next. I still had no map to follow, but the road I was on would last for at least another few months, and surely by that time another road would open up. That was my thinking, and I was at peace with that. Then, the few months ran out and I found myself once again without a map but needing to move forward. I wasn't sure what I was going to do and the thought of having to make decisions without knowing which ones were right was scary. The thought of having to wait for a right answer and knowing that I would probably have to wait again for the next right answer was very unsettling. I like knowing what's coming next. I like having a plan. I like maps. Then, 2 weeks ago, things started happening, as if some Play button somewhere had been pushed and the tape of my life was now rolling. My job situation became tumultuous and I wasn't sure whether to start looking for a new one or try to wait out the storm. Within one week it became clear what it was I was supposed to do, the right choice was outlined for me, as though a piece of the map had been handed back to me. Mr. Darcy and I need to find a new place to live but nothing seemed to be working out. Then, avenues we had never before thought of walking down began to open up and help for the journey seemed to fall into our laps. Another piece to the map was provided. Mr. Darcy and I really wanted a dog and withing 2 weeks we had the perfect fit for us. She is wonderful and has brought so much joy to us. Of course, she has also brought responsibility as well, but that is a good thing. Great preparation for that family we both want so much! :) There is still plenty of waiting to do, and I am still learning to wait graciously, but I have learned in the past few months that even though I may not have a plan or a detailed map to follow, I am not lost. There is a plan, and Someone does have a road map that I am following. The difference is that I have to learn to hear His voice and watch for his leading if I want to know where I am supposed to go. I am not guaranteed that I will have all the answers ahead of time, or that I will ever have all the answers, but I am guaranteed that I will always have a travel guide and He will always lead me in the paths that are right and best for me. In the times when I cannot see what I should do next, or do not know with path to take, I have only to wait for Him. He will lead me, He will show the way. I might have to wait hours, days, months, or years, but my waiting will not be in vain, and the option of not waiting is really no option at all.