Being Honest

I feel like being honest today. Sorry if it's a bit too much for you; but I need to get it off my chest. It's been eating at me for a while and I figured that airing it out would help me deal with it. I've found that many times the things I think about over and over again and dwell upon with such passion, are often times not nearly as important or unsolvable when I talk openly about them as they seemed in my head. I seem to be able to spot ridiculous logic and unfounded feelings far better when they are written down or spoken aloud than when they are merely swirling around in my head. So, without further ado, here goes! I am scared. Scared I won't find a good job. Scared I won't be able to do well at a different job. Scared I won't measure up as a therapist. Scared I am a lousy professional who leaves much to be desired. I'm scared that if I ever get a "real job" I won't be able to handle the pressure. Scared I will never be a success. I'm scared that I am the one person in the entirety of history who went to school for something and learned nothing. I'm scared that all the nice things people say to me are not really true, but just a way to make me feel better about my ineptitude. I'm scared I will never achieve my dreams. I'm scared that my dreams are too big and not realistic. I'm scared that my dreams are fake and not really worth pursuing. I'm scared of trying new things. I'm scared of trying things I really want to try and scared of having new experiences that I am truly curious about. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared, plain and simple. I thought that after living on my own for a while and having a few adventure that my fears would subside. I thought that after some experience and at least a year on the job that I wouldn't be scared anymore. But, no, I am still scared. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever not be scared. To me that seems like a completely foreign concept, but it has to be possible. Why else would Scripture say that perfect love casts out fear? When I think about this, I realize that not only do I not have perfect love (something I continue to work on), but I don't truly believe in the perfect love of God. If I truly believed that God loved me and I loved Him, there would be no fear that He might fail me and I might fail Him. That's something to think about and definitely something worth pursuing.