On My Way

Phew! It's been a long few days and now I find myself in a New Mexico airport awaiting a flight to Colorado. When I stop for a moment and reflect on the current situation all I can think is "Wow!" I can't believe things have gone the way they have. Two years ago I was just wishing to get into grad school and now I am flying out to check out a really good prospect. That's right, I am headed to Colorado to meet with people from a graduate program there that has accepted me and that I am very much interested in. This trip is really important to me for many reasons. First, it is the first time in my life that I have traveled somewhere completely on my own. There will be no one at the airport to greet me, no one at the hotel to say good night to, no one to help me navigate the three days I will be away from home. Of course, I am strictly speaking of humans. I am always aware that the Lord is with me, and that is truly a great comfort. But this time, it is just me meeting new people and having to scope out the territory so that I have the best information possible to make this gigantic life decision in front of me. I want to do it and I need to do it, but my nerves are definitely quaking inside me. The second reason this trip is so important is because I have three schools to choose from and I need this trip to help me decide something about this particular school. There are many things that ride on this decision and I am well aware of all of them. I think I know what I will do but I want to be absolutely positive that it is the right decision to make. I know that God is a loving Father Who always looks out for us and, contrary to my upbringing, will help us even when we make wrong decisions, but I want to make the right decision this time and I want to absolutely know it is the right decision. I am putting my complete trust in Him and leaning on Him to help and I know He will direct me in the right way. It's rather strange to me how much peace I actually have right now. I can get pretty stressed out rather easily but this time I am actually alright. I think that's a good thing. =D So, I will continue on to Colorado and pray that the trip is a good one with a good outcome. I think it will be. Actually, I can't wait to see how things look when the trip is over and I have returned home. There are new horizons in front of me and although the dawn has not yet allowed enough light in so that I can see across the expanse, it has let in enough light so that I can see clearly the next few steps in front of me; and that is all I need.

My Movie Moment

Today was a day like any other, until it happened -- my movie moment. I had met my Mr. Darcy for a cup of coffee on the university campus and was enjoying the beautiful Tucson weather when I realized that my family was out there as well performing their music. It's been almost a year and a half since I performed with them and I have moments when I really miss them; miss the music. We had split ways because my focus is more on my academic pursuits rather than my music. I still perform every now and then but it is not an every day thing anymore. My family is not really O.K. with that and so we have gone our separate ways. As Mr. Darcy and I finished our coffee and started strolling across the campus we passed my musical family. I'm not sure if they noticed me, but I made no attempt to catch their attention. I thought that perhaps on my way back to my lab I would stop by and say hello. I did actually have some news for them. I had heard from my 5th and final graduate school and the verdict was admittance. I had made it into two top ten schools and one top twenty-five school. I was on the waiting list for another top ten school and another strong university. I had not been rejected at any of the schools. This outcome had far exceeded my expectations for my graduate applications and I was very excited about the prospects in front of me. I have such a feeling of anticipation and impending change, change for the better. I am finally starting to live my dream and I would like for my family to be a part of that. So, as I said good bye to Mr.Darcy and headed back to the lab I wandered in the direction of where my family was performing. As I got closer I could make out the voice of one of my sisters singing. She was belting out a very bluesy rendition of "Amazing Grace". I used to sing that song with them. It had been my song. The memories started to flood my head and I was transported back to the days when we performed together. As my brother played a sax solo I realized how much I missed hearing such good music. It was truly soul music. I could feel it in the deepest part of me, take hold of me, and the intense desire to join in grabbed me. I almost started singing out loud on the university campus! As I continued to walk closer to where they were the music grew louder and completely engulfed me. If there was anything true about my family it is that they are truly exceptional musicians. They know how to make music and when they were singing about things that meant something to them they were even more phenomenal. They were completely engrossed in the song. They did not see me approach them. I stood at the back of the stage and watched them. I saw my mom smiling as she played her bass guitar, my brother closing his eyes as he sang with everything in him, my sister playing the drums like it was her favorite thing to do in the world, and my other sister belting out her notes with the skill of a trained musician and the heart of a true artist. It was lovely, wonderful, and bittersweet. I knew that the moment I told them my good news the smiles would be gone, the enjoyment would drain from their eyes, and the warmth I felt from their music would turn stone cold. As I stood their and watched my family I realized that I was no longer a part of them. I was free. Free to pursue my hopes and dreams, free to pursue my God-given purpose in this life, free to be who I really was rather than the hologram my family had created for me, freed from the bonds that my family had for so long encouraged. While the music still pulled at my heart strings I knew that I could not go back. I could not re-enslave myself to something that was not meant for me. I would never forget my family and the good times we had together and I would never stop loving them but that part of my life was over and it was time for me to move on. With "Amazing Grace" pealing through the air in a perfect blend of my family's voices and instruments, I turned and began to walk away. Oh, the freedom I felt as I happily, purposefully walked away. If they saw me leave I hope they noticed that I was not down-trodden or sad. I was strong, invigorated, completely in love with life and most importantly my Saviour, Who had poured out His grace on me so that I might be everything He wanted me to be. I felt like I was in the closing scene of a movie when the music blares loudly and the main actor walks off the scene as the camera zooms out. It was an ending for me; a glorious, wonderfully dramatic (as the artist in me does like some drama), meaningful ending. It is done and now I can move on to the next chapter of life.

My Adventures

Goodness! My life has been one big adventure these past few weeks. I must say I am a bit tired from it, but in all, it's been a good adventure. I had a friend from Brazil staying with me for a couple of weeks and I really enjoyed having her around. I am still not used to living on my own and it was wonderful to come home and have someone to talk to again. It was so much fun to just sit around and laugh about things. The last week she was here was a rough week for me in school. I was up late almost every night working on homework and preparing for tests. To reward myself I agreed to accompany my friend on a stay at the biosphere research center that is about an hour outside Tucson. It was really different, but really cool. I was sad we only had one night to be there. It was sort of like living in a sci-fi movie for the night. Wacky but cool. We met some really great scientists and I reacquainted with someone I had met at an early event. We had a lot of fun talking, messing around on the piano and watching youtube videos of silly musicians. Who knew that a science gathering about rain forests could turn into a quasi musical gather?? It was really very enjoyable, though. The next morning we had to get up and eat breakfast and return to the city so I could attend my third educational conference of the year. I was running a bit late as I dropped my friend off at the house and continued on to the university, but I didn't really care. I was tired, so tired. When I arrived the conference attendees were on break, which gave me a great opportunity to find my lab mates and catch the last half of the presenters. The talks were great for the most part and I found myself forgetting how tired I was as I became engrossed in the lectures. The only downside was the man sitting next to me who smelled like he hadn't showered in days. I thought for sure my sense of smell was going to be ruined forever, but thankfully the olfactory nerves start to ignore a stimulus when it becomes overwhelming. I always knew there was a reason for that! Anyhoo, the rest of the conference was great and my lab partner and I had a good time eating lunch and presenting our poster. The rest of the day and Sunday I attempted to recover from my brutal schedule the week before, but that only partially worked. After helping my friend get ready to go and then driving her to the airport I was feeling pretty tired and ready to do nothing but sleep. I am happy to say I did just about that and it was wonderful. The next week started with a bang with the first of two tests that week being on Tuesday. The next one was on Friday and there was an online assignment that was due as well. I spent the whole week studying once again and trying to maintain my job as well as my work in the lab. It was crazy!!! I kept telling myself it would get better when Spring Break came. Spring Break is here and it has hardly gotten better. Although, I must say I have had some really good times this weeks. Another friend came to visit me and stayed a couple of days. We went out and had several girl get together with some mutual friends. It was a lot of fun. The absolute silliness that goes on when a group of girls gets together is not to be matched by much else. It had been a while since I had been on a girl's outing and I found myself really missing it. I am still working, in fact working more this week than usual, as well as working in the lab and still working on that online assignment. I was sad to see my friend leave yesterday, but a little relieved to not be entertaining anyone else for the next little bit. Now, I am home trying to get things done. Oh ya! I forgot to mention that in the middle of all this I was accepted to two graduate programs and have been trying to find out as much as I can about both. It's a lot of work and I have spent hours on the computer trying to find information and figure things out, but it is also very exciting. I will most likely be moving this summer and I am really excited about that adventure. Of course, if it proves to be anything close to what I've been experiencing I might die at a young age, but I would die happy. So, that's been my life for now. Crazy but good.

Perplexed!!

I'm up late, well past my bedtime, because I can't sleep. The thoughts keep swirling around and around in my head and the possibilities leave me feeling sick. I have so many decisions in front of me and I have absolutely no answers. I know how I want things to go but I have been most firmly assured that they will not happen that way. I have in front of me my dreams of the field I want to work in and on the opposite side is the one I want to be with. And yet, I wonder if this is really what I want. I know I want to go on to graduate studies and doctoral studies. I have been writing about it on here for the past two years. I finally got accepted to a couple of programs and now it seems the decision facing me is not what is best for me but what is best for "us". I feel like if I make the best decision for me then I will be betraying the person I have said I want to be with forever. Yet, he can't even seem to bring himself to make the arrangement permanent. It seems that if I choose what is best for me then I will be walking away from the only person I have ever really loved and all the dreams I have with him, but if I choose to stay with him I have no assurance that I will ever have fulfillment of my dreams. I feel like I can't really tell him this because then he would say that I am pressuring him into doing what he is not ready to do, but what about me? I need some assurance here! This not knowing is KILLING me! I absolutely hate it with everything in me. He tells me things and reassures me with words, but what are words? How are they reliable? I have known many a words that were spoken by many a trustworthy person that had no more substance to them than the air particles it took to breathe them out. What makes him any different? I'm not saying that he is not, just that I am not sure I know how to trust him like that. I want to trust him, I want to believe him, but I have nothing to back it up but words, and I have been burned so many times with words. I don't think I can keep going like this. It is literally tearing me up. What do I do? I don't even know how to begin to handle it. I guess that means it is back to my knees with a whole lot more praying to do. I want to make the right decision for me and I am hoping that it will help things work out with me and my love, but what if it doesn't? How do I choose? Why do I have to? I am very much perplexed!