Some Things

What do I want to say? I have so many things to say and don't know where to start. First, I want to go back to Valentine's Day. I had the most wonderful Valentine's Day I have ever had. It was just perfect. I had one wish for Valentine's Day, something I really wanted. I was in the store several days before and there were so many beautiful flowers everywhere. I just wanted to receive even one flower because they are so beautiful and I love them so much. I even prayed for flowers. I asked the Lord if it was possible to have someone get me some flowers, but I was determined to be happy with or without them. The most exciting thing about the day was what I had planned to do for those special to me. However, Valentine's Day came and I had more flowers than I knew what to do with. They were sooooo beautiful! I was thrilled beyond belief and the day was made even more special when my brother and sister came to see me at work. It was so wonderful to see them. There were so many wonderful things that happened, perhaps the most special to me came in the form of a very special card given to me by a very special person. I have never felt as wonderful as I did when I read that card. The whole day was just, huh, so great! Then, my trip last week was amazing. I think it was the best trip I have ever been on. I was able to rest and enjoy myself and I really enjoyed being with my grandparents. I saw and experienced a lot of really great things and it was everything I wanted it to be. I came back to work this week ready to start tackling the many things that I had left to do when I returned. There are multiple appointments I have this week and several things to take care of, but I don't mind. I am really excited about several things that are coming up and new directions that I am looking at taking. There are a lot of things that I have been dreaming about doing and it looks like maybe I will finally get a chance to do some of it. So, I think I've said enough. I hope it makes sense. There are so many things happening and so many things to think about that sometimes I find that my thoughts are going faster than I can relate them. Anyway, that's all for now.

On Vacation

I'm on vacation right now and I have to say I am thrilled that I am. I am visiting relatives in Pennsylvania and I am enjoying myself tremendously. I love the countryside here. It is not anything like Arizona and I am happy to see a change. I love the old colonial style houses and the amazing trees that grow everywhere. I know they have no leaves on them, but that just means I can see all their branches. I love the rolling hills and the stone walls that surround so many of the properties. I absolutely love the bridges and underpasses that are everywhere. I could do without the crazy streets and the drivers that fill them, but then every place has its downside. I have been able to rest, which has been the best part of all, and I have been able to just relax and enjoy myself. I've done things I haven't done in forever - like bowling - and I have had the opportunity to try new things and go places I have never been. Over all it has been a very nice trip and I still have three more days to go! The weather here hasn't been terrible either. It's been a bit rainy and the temperature never gets above 48, but that is part of the reason I came here at this time. I like standing outside and feeling a cool crisp wind blow through me. It's not something I will really feel in Tucson. I may even get to see some snow while I am out here, and that would be wonderful. I am finally going to make a trip to see the Atlantic and can then say that I have been on both sides of the United States. Actually, what I am really looking forward to seeing is a lighthouse. Growing up on the western side of the continent I have never had the opportunity to see one; so I am very excited to have the opportunity to see one. So, those are my adventures thus far. I don't know if I will post anymore about my trip, but if I don't I will certainly return to posting when I return.

Valentine's Day

If I hear one more person rant about what a ridiculous holiday Valentine's Day is I think I will scream! I am so sick of hearing about what a "hallmark holiday" it is and how over-done it is. If you don't want to celebrate it, don't, but don't infringe on everyone else's right to enjoy the day. I have heard everything from the holiday is too expensive to it is a frivolous, foolish celebration to it is the exploitation of men. Come on! Let's get real. If the woman you are dating or engaged to or married to makes you feel like you are worthless unless you spend a life-savings on her then you should probably look at getting someone new. I am tired of hearing about how men fear Valentine's Day because of how demanding women are. If your woman is that demanding then there is something wrong with her and the issue is your relationship, not the holiday. The worst thing I have heard so far was a man saying that men everywhere should boycott V-Day. He strongly asserted that women only used the day to get everything they could from their man and then promised not gratitude or love and respect in return, but sex. My first thought on hearing this - What is wrong with you and why do you keep choosing to be with such cheap, manipulative women? My thoughts were not how horrible the women were but why this guy was stupid enough to keep getting involved with that type of female. Listen, not all women are that way. Not all women think of Valentine's Day as a way to get everything they wanted or to see just how far their guy will go to please them. Some of us, yes, the decent ones, view it as an opportunity to show those we love how much we care about them. Honestly, I'm not expecting anything on Valentine's Day. I am looking forward to spending some time with the person I love being with best, but I'm not expecting some great gift or some huge monetary expression of love. Why should I? Since when did diamonds and monetary gifts become the standard for showing someone you care about them. Since when did writing someone a short note letting them know how much they mean to you become so unacceptable as an expressions of caring? Why can't the hype about Valentine's Day be about what you can do for others? Why can't men see it as an opportunity to tell the woman in their life how much she means to them? Why can't they see it as an opportunity to use their intellect and creative abilities to make her flash that incredible smile they like so much or make her sigh with the realization that she makes a big difference in their life? Why does the holiday have to be about money and how much you spend? How pathetic!!!! And how untrue to the origins of the holiday. I wish that all those complaining about Valentine's Day would shut their mouths and start finding ways to let those they love know how much they care about them. Maybe if their focus was more on how to please others and less on how they are dreading what they have to do they might find that they actually like the chance to celebrate the loves of their life. I guarantee any guy that if their girl is even halfway decent they could make her ethereally happy and spend less than $10 doing it. Showing you care about someone should not be a burden, and it doesn't have to be. That is the true spirit of Valentine's Day and for all those of you out there who find it such a burdensome holiday I hope, somehow, you can realize that. If you really can't find one person to show tenderness to this Valentine's Day then at least be courteous to those of us who cherish the chance to make a big deal about those we love and BE QUIET!!!!! Better yet, take the time you won't be celebrating the day and examine your life and ask yourself why it is you can't think of one person you want to express care for. If you find it is because there is no one worth your effort in your life then work to change that, starting with the one you view as your significant other and yet you have nothing but dread when it comes to any attempt to please them. Secondly, I would challenge you to look at yourself and wonder why it is you seem to have no ability to feel love without obligation. What is wrong with you that you see things the way you do?

My Friend

If you've ever had someone in your life that meant the world to you then you will understand this post. I have many friends, several who are very dear to me and to whom I am greatly indebted. To those who have surrounded me recently with more love and support than I could have hoped for - thank you so much. I could not be the person I am or enjoy even half the success I do without you. You guys make my life so much better in so many ways and I love you for it. However, I want to say something special with this post. I have a best friend that continually amazes me with the way he cares about me and all the ways that he helps me. Sometimes I run out of words to say or ways to let him know how much he means to me, but I can always continue to try. So, sir, if you read this, this one is for you. I want to tell you that you make my days brighter with all your encouragement. You make me stronger by standing next to me and pulling me up when I fall down. I love that you never give up on me and always urge me to keep pressing forward. I love that you can remain positive in what seem to be the darkest situations and that you help me see the sun when rain clouds fill my vision. I know that I can rely on you to be there for me whether I'm calling you to tell you I had the worst day ever or if I'm letting you know that things have finally settled down and I am on my way to better days. You'll never know how much it means to me that you encourage me to pursue my dreams, that you want all the best in life for me, and that you expect great things from me. I love that you can see in me what I want to see in myself but am just too blind sometimes to notice. I love that you encourage me in my walk with the Lord, always pointing me towards Him as my source of strength and never-ending love, finding Scriptures to encourage me and helping me to hold on to Him when it feels like I will lose my grip. Knowing you has been one of the best things that could have ever happened to me and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate and, yes, love you. You mean so much more to me than I could ever put into words, but this is my meager attempt at it. I know not where our paths may lead and should they part at some future date that would truly be sad, but I will always be thankful for the precious time I've had with you and will do my best to make it as pleasant for you as it has been for me. I'm so glad you're a part of my life.
I had forgotten about this song, but then I heard it today and it reminded me of you. When I first heard it many years ago I was very young and wondered how anyone could possibly really feel this way about a person. Surely, they were exaggerating or making things up just to create a good song. Now, I know how they could feel this way and I understand how true these lyrics can be.

Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Tears

Tears

Welling up in my eyes,
Spilling down my cheeks,
Coming one right after the other.
Is there any end to them?
Is it possible to run out of tears?

Like streams they course down my face.
I know I've spilt a river,
I've shed an ocean,
And yet they still come.
An amazing thing.

So many tears.
My sorrows,
My fears,
My hurts,
Relief that comes in small drops.

Being Scared

"It could be nothing, but we would like to rule out the possibility that it is anything serious." -- The doctor's words hit me like a cold ocean wave. A shock ran through my body and I could feel myself shiver in response. There were plenty of questions running through my mind, but I only managed to get a few out. Panic was forming a knot in my stomach and was starting creep up into my chest. "Just keep breathing," I told myself. "You can handle this. No matter what happens, everything will be alright." Still, I could feel my breaths coming more rapidly and the panic was growing stronger. I managed to finish my conversation with the doctor and hang up the phone without completely losing my composure. I sat for a moment just staring into empty space. I was still fighting to keep the panic down. I didn't want to face this a broken hysterical child. I could be brave; I could handle this. After all, the doctor didn't say there was definitely anything wrong. He was positive sounding. But he had said if. Those two small letters put together had created a huge effect when spoken.
The days have passed since that conversation. Symptoms have increased, more information has been gained (none that has been especially comforting), and more testing awaits. I find that I am able to handle things rather calmly, but the fear is still there. In the deepest part of me, as small as a kernel of corn, but there nonetheless. There are moments when it grips me and leaves me feeling limp. My legs feel as though they won't hold me up, my stomach is a series of knots, and my lungs feel as though they can't get quite enough oxygen. I tell myself to stop overreacting, to get a grip, and to keep breathing. This is life. There is no prescription for it, there is no cure for it, there are no guarantees that things will go the way we plan them or that the sun will always shine and rain clouds will never come. One comforting thought - I love the rain. Without it the sun doesn't seem to shine as brightly, the colors all around don't seem to be as vivid, and I find that I don't appreciate the times when it isn't rainy nearly as much. I appreciate the rain in the physical world around me, why not when it comes in my own life? I would like to say that I am perfectly composed, that none of the reports or conclusions will affect me, that I can face it all; but am I that strong? There is a part of me that knows that no matter what the outcome I will be fine, but it's hard to live that day in and day out. I want to be strong and brave, and I am. After all, courage is not the absence of fear but is having the fear and still be able to remain strong. So, yes, I'm scared and unsure of what will happen, but I know I have the courage to face it. I may need to hang on to the supports that are around me and I know I will stumble and fall along the way, but I am determined to keep getting back up, to keep facing whatever comes my way with my head up and my shoulders squared.