Memories

It's funny how memories can affect you. I often wonder what the brain is doing when you remember. How does it know which areas of the brain to trip to cause the emotions you feel and the reactions you have? For me, memories have a very deep impact on me. I can't get away from the flood of emotions that wash over me when I am remembering something. It's funny too because I have an excellent memory. I wonder if that has anything to do with why my memories have such a strong impact on me. I received some news this morning that shouldn't have been too terrible, but it really impacted me. As I was going over the information and what it meant, I found myself wondering why I was having such a strong reaction to the news. Then I realized it was the memories associated with this news that were affecting me so strongly. I was immediately transported from my room to a time not long ago when there was so much pain and grief. A time when I was not able to deal with that grief in a very good manner. The news caused me to remember and the remembrance brought to mind the pain. Then it dawned on my that I had never really gotten over what I was remembering. I had sort of "dealt with it" in an attempt to keep going and not collapse from the weight of everything that was happening, but I had never really allowed myself to grieve over it and let the grief takes its course. There had been so many other tears to shed that the thought of anymore was unbearable at the time, and yet, now the tears seem to flow so freely. Almost as if they have been waiting all the time for their chance at release. It's funny how we are. Although the events for which my memories have taken me back happened nearly 10 months ago, they are still so vivid in my mind, and this time there is little else there to push the emotions down, to keep them back until a later time. That means that I should deal with them, go through the process of grieving; but I am still not ready to do that, or perhaps I do not know how. So, I suppose I will have my little release and then box up the emotions until a later time, when I really can face them, or until another memory brings them to mind.

My Life

I know it's been a while since I posted. Sorry. I've wanted to post but there have been various things that have stopped me. One of which has been not knowing what to say. I feel like I am changing in so many ways and there are so many transitions going on that I am not sure I can make sense of everything right now. I'm not sure of many things any more, and that's not a bad thing. I feel like I need to go through this process of rediscovery in order to work through some things in my life and most importantly in order to be a whole person. As I look back over my life I am amazed at just how broken and destitute I have been in so many areas of my life. I have needed to fix multiple things for quite a while, but have never gotten down to it. Well, now I am. It's kind of a scary process, but a necessary one, and I am glad I am doing it. The road from childhood to adulthood has always been a bit daunting to me, and now, as I am walking it, I am finding it is more so than I ever imagined it would be. But, I have also found along the way that I can do so much more than I ever thought possible. In so many ways I have had to rebuild and recreate my life over the past 9 months, and it has been difficult to do. Yet, in looking back at even the small amount of progress I have made I am not willing to quit and give up. It's been hard, frustrating, heart-rending at times, but well worth it. Sometimes it takes stepping out of your momentary situation to realize what exactly is going on. We get so caught up in the here and now and what is facing us at this exact moment that it becomes hard to see the larger picture and remember the larger goals we are working for, but one glance at that larger view and the present seems to be so much better. Or maybe it's just that you have a much better perspective on things and so the close up is not so frightening. Sort of like when a painter focuses on one section of his canvas and begins to get frustrated with it, so he takes a step back to remember what the whole goal of his painting is. Then he can zero back in on that one section and keep working on it. It's interesting how that works that way. I guess that's what my life is like right now. I know there is a larger picture and I try to keep that picture in my mind, but sometimes I lose sight of it and become completely focused on one tiny bit of the massive canvas that is my life. Usually I become horribly frustrated or depressed or just plain angry that things are not going the way that I think they should or want them to. At that moment it is best for me to take a cue from the painter and step back to get a better, broader perspective of what it is I am working towards. That view of the larger part helps me work through the smaller things, giving me a renewed desire to keep at it, hoping in the end my "canvas" will indeed be something beautiful and not just another attempt.