My Life

I know it's been a while since I posted. Sorry. I've wanted to post but there have been various things that have stopped me. One of which has been not knowing what to say. I feel like I am changing in so many ways and there are so many transitions going on that I am not sure I can make sense of everything right now. I'm not sure of many things any more, and that's not a bad thing. I feel like I need to go through this process of rediscovery in order to work through some things in my life and most importantly in order to be a whole person. As I look back over my life I am amazed at just how broken and destitute I have been in so many areas of my life. I have needed to fix multiple things for quite a while, but have never gotten down to it. Well, now I am. It's kind of a scary process, but a necessary one, and I am glad I am doing it. The road from childhood to adulthood has always been a bit daunting to me, and now, as I am walking it, I am finding it is more so than I ever imagined it would be. But, I have also found along the way that I can do so much more than I ever thought possible. In so many ways I have had to rebuild and recreate my life over the past 9 months, and it has been difficult to do. Yet, in looking back at even the small amount of progress I have made I am not willing to quit and give up. It's been hard, frustrating, heart-rending at times, but well worth it. Sometimes it takes stepping out of your momentary situation to realize what exactly is going on. We get so caught up in the here and now and what is facing us at this exact moment that it becomes hard to see the larger picture and remember the larger goals we are working for, but one glance at that larger view and the present seems to be so much better. Or maybe it's just that you have a much better perspective on things and so the close up is not so frightening. Sort of like when a painter focuses on one section of his canvas and begins to get frustrated with it, so he takes a step back to remember what the whole goal of his painting is. Then he can zero back in on that one section and keep working on it. It's interesting how that works that way. I guess that's what my life is like right now. I know there is a larger picture and I try to keep that picture in my mind, but sometimes I lose sight of it and become completely focused on one tiny bit of the massive canvas that is my life. Usually I become horribly frustrated or depressed or just plain angry that things are not going the way that I think they should or want them to. At that moment it is best for me to take a cue from the painter and step back to get a better, broader perspective of what it is I am working towards. That view of the larger part helps me work through the smaller things, giving me a renewed desire to keep at it, hoping in the end my "canvas" will indeed be something beautiful and not just another attempt.