The Hospital

So I spent a large part of my day in the hospital and man what an experience that was! I was asked "Are you pregnant?" so many times I became programmed to say, "No, I'm not pregnant" to every question.
"Does that hurt?"
"No, I'm not pregnant."
"Where do you feel pain?"
"No, I'm not pregnant."
"Are you ready for x-rays?"
"No, I'm not pregnant?"
"Ready for ultrasound?"
"NO, I'm not pregnant." (Hey, that one was almost legitimate!!! Lol!)

Oh well, I guess it's their job to make sure they don't harm a pregnant woman, but I never knew that pregnancy was the single largest cause of fainting in women. Apparently the majority of fainting women are pregnant. At least that's what I took away from the hospital today. Maybe not; just a perception.
Anyhoo, my day was a but strange. I had x-rays, ultrasounds, blood tests, urine test, blood pressure tests, heart tests and who knows what else. The diagnosis at the end of the day? "Well, you seem to be pretty healthy. Everything came back fairly normal. We don't know what's wrong with you but we can tell you it's not life threatening." Thank you! I'm so glad we got that cleared up! I was really beginning to wonder and you have put my mind at ease. I will definitely return here when I want answers because you guys do such thorough work! In all fairness they did try to find out what was wrong and the staff was all really great. My nurses, techs, and doctors were really nice and tried to make me as comfortable as possible during my stay. Of course my bill of over a 100 dollars and the nice ache I have in my arm from the IV are unpleasant side-effects of my emergency room stay, but all said and done it could have been worse and I am glad there is no chance of my dying overnight. At least not from health issues.
So, that about sums up my day. Not the worst ever but certainly not one I wished for. It was an experience for sure and one I am glad I don't have to repeat it, at least hopefully not any time soon.

Christmas in California

I spent my Christmas in California this year visiting relatives I hadn't seen in years. The trip there was pretty good and the stay was great. I had such a good time catching up with cousins that I hadn't seen in a while and getting re-acquainted with them as well as getting to know their children. There were two things that were really interesting to me. First, my uncle was such an intimidating person when I was a child. I remember that I was pretty much scared to death of talking to him. Seeing him as an adult was very different, but I noticed that he is really an easy-going sort of person that was actually quite funny to talk to. He did so much to make me feel welcome and I loved that I got to see that part of his personality. The second thing was my oldest cousin. She was adopted as a child so I never knew her until this past year. Come to find out, she and I have the same birthday and we are very similar. She was great to talk to. She and I talked for the longest time. Her husband and my dad kept asking what else we could possibly have to talk about. lol. It was really good getting to know her and comparing notes on the family. It's always amazing to me to how much genetics plays a part in how people develop. You can definitely tell my cousin and I are genetically related. The whole trip was really nice. I loved going to California for the first time. All my previous trips have left a horrible taste in my mouth and no desire whatsoever to return. This time I found myself wishing I could stay longer and hoping I can return soon. The trip also had the added bonus of giving my dad and I a lot of time together, just the two of us. We talked about a lot of things and I was really good to be able to just be with him. I've missed my dad so much these past years and I am so thankful God has given me the opportunity to be with him again. As I was with family on Christmas, reflecting over all the family issues there are and thinking of all the things that I have seen happen over the years I couldn't help but be grateful that God had given me the opportunity to not only be with my family but be a part of the work of restoration that I believe He is doing in our lives. The most important thing my cousins and I shared with each other as we sat talking was the desire each one of us has to see our family be a whole family again. I had the distinct feeling that somehow God was using us, the younger generation of the family, to help accomplish His will and His design for our family. There have been so many things happen, so much hurt, and so many rifts in my family. I couldn't even write everything here because its hard for me to keep track of sometimes. But I know God doesn't want things that way and feel that He is doing something new, working in so many ways to change that, and I am thrilled that I can be a part of it.
So, my Christmas was pretty special in more ways than one. Was it perfect? No. There were people I missed and wanted so much to be a part of that day. But, it was a great day.

The Shepherds and the Wise Men

The last characters in the Christmas story I want to notice are the shepherds and the wise men. These two groups of people were groups that were not directly linked to Mary or Joseph in any way, and yet God chose to involve them in this most holy occasion. As I think of the shepherds I can't help but wonder if perhaps God did not include them in this story in order to make it very clear that His plan for salvation includes everyone, even the most humble people. The shepherds were unassuming people who would not have had any idea of what God had in store for them that Christmas night, nor would they have any expectation of being directly involved in the coming of the Messiah. They were merely out on a hillside doing their job, never thinking that their lives would be changed in a single night. Yet, when the heavenly host appeared to them and informed them that the Saviour of the world was born in the city near them their response was so perfect, so completely in line with what it should have been. They promptly went to find the child and then they spread the news of his birth to everyone they came in contact with. These poor, uneducated men knew how to respond to this heavenly news, this most awesome event, and yet I wonder how many of us would respond as well. We think so highly of our educational, technological, and economical advances that we lose sight many times of the more important things in life, things such as finding our Savior and spreading the good news of His arrival to those we know. Perhaps that is why God chose to use the shepherds that night to herald the glad tidings of His Son's arrival to earth.
Then we have the wise men. These were wealthy, well-learned men. Men of science, not prone to making foolish decisions, men very much respected and revered for their intelligence and station in life. Why would God use them to play a part in His Son's birth? In looking at these sages, these wise men, I see how God showed Himself as transcending all social boundaries and classes to make known His plan of redemption. These men who had wealth and intelligence left their homes, traveled a great distance, and endured many hardships including threats on their lives to not only find this baby born in Bethlehem but to worship Him as well. If these men could do all that, not having any personal knowledge of this child, but just information, how much more can I, who has personal knowledge and experience of the Savior, endure any hardship to find the Savior and give Him the worship He so deserves? The question is will I, and if I start will I continue to do so?
All these characters played a part in God's amazing Christmas story. They are all different, from different backgrounds, different social settings, and different mind sets, but they all had one thing in common: they obeyed the voice of God and they were blessed to be a part of the birth of the Messiah. In looking at all these different characters I can also see how God uses people from every walk of life to be a part of His unfolding plans here on Earth. He uses the most humble people to remind us that we are never too lowly to be a part of His plans and He uses the more elevated people to remind us that we are never too good to bow the knee to Him. The only thing that really matters to God is whether or not we are willing to be obedient, willing to lay everything down in exchange for the great and glorious things He has for us, and most of all willing to welcome Him into our world, whatever that may be.
Happy Birthday, Jesus! You are more than welcome into this world of mine.
Merry Christmas!

Joseph

The next character I am drawn to in the Christmas story is Joseph. This simple carpenter had one of the key roles in this story and yet he could have walked away from it all and been justified by those around him. Can you imagine being engaged to a woman who then tells you she is pregnant and the child is not yours? Can you imagine being asked to go ahead and marry this woman and raise the child as your own? Your first thoughts would most likely be along the lines of Joseph's: I need to break this engagement. To the human eye it appeared that Mary had broken his trust and their agreement and had to have been intimately involved with another man, but that was only the human reasoning. The truth was that Mary's pregnancy was supernatural and as such it would take a supernatural occurrence to bring Joseph to this conclusion. So, an angel appeared to him in a dream and verified Mary's story, telling Joseph that he was indeed to marry her and help her raise this holy child. Still, visit from a heavenly being aside, Joseph had a tough decision to make. The people in the town that were closest to him and Mary knew that she was already pregnant. In marrying her Joseph was agreeing to take on the shame that would follow her and her child for the rest of their lives. Even when Jesus was grown He was reminded by those wishing to silence Him that He was the bastard child of a poor carpenter. But, Joseph saw into the future, just as Mary did, and he saw what this Child meant not only to the world he knew but to all mankind - those who had lived, those who were living, and those who were yet to be. Joseph saw God's plan of redemption unfolding in front of him and he chose to be a part of it, no matter what the cost was to himself personally and no matter how hard it seemed it was to follow through on the instructions given. The result of Joseph's decision was the birth of our Saviour and His protection and training as He was growing up. Joseph went from being a commonplace carpenter in a commonplace city somewhere in the vast timeline of history to being a pivotal player in God bringing salvation to man. Joseph's task was not an easy one and what the Lord asked of him was no light thing, but he obeyed and because He did we have something to celebrate - not just Christmas but God's most perfect gift - Jesus.

Mary

As I celebrate Christmas I reflect on the people that played the major roles in the unfolding of God's plan of redemption for man. The first person my thoughts are drawn to is Mary. What was she like? Was she seen as different or special in some way by those around her, by her family or her peers? What kind of a person was she? She was so young and yet she was so wise and brave. Can you imagine what was going through her head when one day as she was at home an angel appeared to her and told her that she was going to have a baby. Not only was she, a virgin, going to miraculously have a baby, but that baby was going to be the long-awaited, promised messiah. For most women the news that they are pregnant is such a pivotal moment in their lives. They wonder if they will be able to handle the pregnancy, wonder how the child will change their lives, wonder if they will be able to carry the child through the nine months and then deliver it, wonder it they will be a good mom, and wonder how their husband or significant other will handle the news. Mary faced all those questions and more, for she was not carrying just another child, she was carrying the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. What a huge responsibility that was! Did she ever wonder if maybe God had gotten it wrong and assigned this enormous task to the wrong person? What was the mental torment like to wonder how Joseph would respond when he found out she was pregnant? Would anyone even believe her? It was, indeed, an incredible story. But, then again, God is an incredible God. Somehow, Mary, a young commonplace girl, found it within herself to trust God implicitly and to obey Him in everything. She willingly shouldered the burden that was given her and showed strength beyond her years as she embarked on a journey that would change not only her own life but the life of all humanity both past and present. The reason she could do this was because at the bottom of her actions was a heart to obey the Lord no matter what, to trust Him as her guide and source of strength, and to believe that the Lord her God was the One Who went with her through every mountain, through every valley, through every experience. Now, I have to ask myself, would I do the same? What about the things in my life that the Lord has asked me to do that seem so impossible or insurmountable? Do I trust Him and proceed or do I balk and fight so that I won't be asked to do such things? Do I show the same strength and courage that Mary showed, enduring the struggles, knowing that in the end all things will work according to the Lord's plan if only I will obey? Do I realize, as Mary must have, that I have been given an amazing opportunity to not only serve the Lord but to serve mankind in bringing about the will of God on the earth, thus making it a place that better resembles heaven, bringing God's help and light into a darkened, needy world? As I reflect on Mary and her part in the Christmas story my prayer is that I might be even half the woman she was and might say with all my heart, "Behold, the handmaid of the Lord! Be it done to me according to your word."

A Winter Wonderland

I went to Winterhaven last night with my dad. It's a neighborhood in which every house puts up lights and decorations for Christmas and people come from all over Tucson to see it. It's called the festival of lights and takes place every year. As a child I loved going to Winterhaven. It was so amazing to see all the lights and the many different ways people celebrate Christmas. Some of the houses have spectacular light displays and others use a mixture of lights and large figurines to decorate. There are very artistic displays and humorous displays, but almost everything is enjoyable to see. Last night was the first time I had gone since I was a teenager and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Looking at all the houses was not only fun but the memories it brought back were nice as well. I remember times when my dad would take just my sisters and I and we could drive as slow as we wanted through the neighborhood. I also remember times when we were packed in the care like sardines and my mom was begging my dad to not stop at every house and look for fear we might all suffocate from lack of oxygen. I also remember the few times we walked and it was soooo cold. This year I rode in a wagon and that was pretty cool. It was very cold, but it moved at a nice slow pace so you could see everything.
I had an interesting thought, though, as I left Winterhaven last night. Perhaps it wasn't necessarily how magnificent or amazing the lights displays were or how incredible the houses looked that made Winterhaven so special to me as a child. Perhaps it was the sense of closeness it brought to my family, the sense of family tradition that was born as each year we made our way to that neighborhood. Perhaps it was the cups of hot chocolate that we shared and the huddling together to stay warm that made the times as a child so precious to me. I know that last night it wasn't that Winterhaven was magical that made it enjoyable. It was being with my dad and having the opportunity to have him be a part of my life again that made last night special. The lights and decorations certainly made things nice, but for some reason, they weren't what I noticed most last night. I noticed most how much I've missed my dad and how glad I was that he was there with me last night. I could have been anywhere with him and it would have been a winter wonderland.

Embarrassment

Have you ever been really embarrassed about something? I have, too many times to remember. In fact, I am still horribly embarrassed about so many things. Old pictures of myself is a good example of this. Actually, make that pictures of myself, period, but old ones are the worst. I hate looking at myself and knowing that I look absolutely ridiculous in some of those pictures makes them even harder to look at. The situation becomes much worse when I actually show people pictures of myself, especially ones of me as a child. I don't like the way I look in pictures now and I hate the way I look in old pictures. Every time I pull out old photo albums there is this horrible sense of dread that comes over me. I can feel the embarrassment creeping up my spine and flushing my cheeks. My automatic instinct is to leave the room where the pictures are and try as hard as I can to get away from the images, as though that will make them go away. I thought that if I showed enough people that feeling would go away and eventually I wouldn't care who saw the pictures or what I looked like in them, but that is not the case. In fact, I find that with each time I hate it worse. So, I had to finally ask myself what it was that I was so embarrassed about and I think I found some answers. I am ashamed of myself in all those pictures. Ashamed of how I looked, ashamed of the things I was wearing, ashamed of who I was and what I represented. I hate how poor I was, how I dressed, what my hair looked like (SHEEESH, that was terrible!!), hate that I was such a nerd. When I look at those pictures I remember how I felt about myself then - how unloved, unwanted, completely awkward and so sadly lacking I thought I was - and that is what I hate most of all. That is what is most embarrassing about those pictures. In some way I'm afraid that everyone who see the pictures will see all the things I do, have all the criticisms and strong dislikes about them I do, and will view me the way I view myself, and that is a terrifying thought. With that in mind, I would say, then, that it is fear rather than embarrassment that creeps up my spine and flushes my face and makes me grip the picture book with such force, reluctantly turning each page, revealing more and more of who I have been in all my "glory". It's a fear that the pictures will cause rejection or will make someone think poorly of me. It's a fear that I will have to explain myself and have to attempt to answer all the "whys" those pictures evoke. I know it sounds completely irrational and silly, especially when one is writing about it on a blog that numerous people look at, but that is the truth. It would seem that the answer would be to just stop caring about it and "move on", but I am finding that that is a whole lot easier to say than to do. Perhaps the best thing to do is deal with the ridiculous but very real fear of rejection and then move on from there to conquer the sense of embarrassment that seems to overtake me each time I encounter old pictures. Logically thinking about it, I know I can't change the pictures as I cannot change the past, but I can accept it as what was and learn to not be afraid of how that knowledge of my past may affect those in my present and future. That seems like the first step, and my, what a large, grueling one it is!

Why?

The most overused question in the world is "why?", and yet I find it is so appropriate for so many things. There are so many situations in which this question seems to be the only response that you can come up with. I'm not sure how other people's minds and sense of reasoning works but mine works best when I understand what is going on and why it is happening. When I don't understand something my first response is usually "why?" Why do people that say they love you do things to intentionally hurt you? Why do things that seem so simple at times can make the biggest impact on you? Why are some people so loving and caring for no apparent reason while other are so mean and spiteful for the same reason? Why are crazy people allowed to hold positions of power and use their authority to hurt and threaten others? Why are so many people too cowardly to stand up for what is right and so willing to ignore what is wrong? Why is it always easier to do what is wrong that to do what is right? (wait, I already know the answer to that) Why is love such a wonderful thing and yet such a painful thing? Why is hate such a horrible thing and yet such a gratifying thing (at least at certain moments)? Why is it so hard for so many people to understand where you are coming from and what you are trying to say and why is it so hard to effectively communicate it? I could go on for a lifetime, but I think I've made my point. There are so many questions out there, and it would seem too few answers. It is overwhelming at times and I feel as though asking the questions is pointless, but then that wouldn't really solve the problem because the questions are there whether I ask them or not and that means that somewhere the answers are there as well. I guess, that would mean then that my getting answers all depends on whether or not I am willing to keep hunting for the answers to my questions, knowing that even if I were to arrive at all the answers there would still be a multitude more questions that would then need to be answered as well because there will always be situations and circumstances that arise that evoke the only possible response of "why?" Does any of this make sense? Hmm. I think I started to say one thing and wound up saying something else. Oh well. Food for thought. :)

Update

I realize I haven't updated in a while. Sorry. My life has been busy and good computer access has been scarce. There isn't too much that has changed since I did last update. I'm still looking for a new job but it doesn't look likely that I will have one until after the first of the year. I am formulating a plan for attending graduate school including looking at applying to several schools out of state. I will retake the GRE after the first of the year and probably take a few classes next year. No great adventures planned, no ingenious plots hatched. After this year, however, that will be a nice break. This year has been wild and crazy for me and has brought about some major changes. There have been some very painful experiences but also some very good times. I feel like I have grown an exceptional amount, especially in the past few months, and I am finally able to experience things I have been waiting a lifetime to experience. I am thrilled at all the changes and saddened by some of the results, but that seems to be the cycle of life. All you can do is keep moving on and doing your best. For the first time in my life I don't know where I am going or how I am going to get there, and that is okay. I have a general idea of things I want to accomplish and goals I want to meet, but the how or why of those things is still unanswered and, unlike what I normally feel, that doesn't scare me. I am content right now to sit back and enjoy the ride on this crazy course called life.

December

It's December, time to celebrate Christmas. This is one of the most exciting holidays for me and I love that I get three to four weeks to celebrate it. I love the lights, the music, the general good cheer that's in the air, and the spirit of giving that, for the most part, permeates everything. This year will be different for me in many ways. It is the first time I will be away from what I have known as family and friends, away from the traditions I have celebrated for the past twenty-something years, the first time I will make all my own decisions and actually be a truly independent adult. In some ways that is exciting to me; in others it is frightening. I miss my family terribly and want so much to be with them this Christmas, but not at the cost that would be asked of me. However, I am excited to see and experience new things, find new traditions, restore lost relationships and establish new ones. The most exciting thing, though, for me this year is that I get to express myself and my feelings for those I care about in a way I was never able to before. For me, the best part of Christmas is realizing everything God has done for me and taking the gratitude that floods my being and expressing it in a way that blesses and helps someone else. I didn't grow up exchanging Christmas presents, but I did grow up learning to give of myself to help those around me, especially at Christmas time, and in so doing my own needs would be met. This year I am probably more needy than I have ever been, or at least in so many ways it feels that way, and I have still found that what makes me the happiest is doing things for other people. I love it when something I do meets a need someone has or when I am able to help someone with something that maybe no one else has noticed or is able to help them with. I cannot even tell you what good it has done me in the past few weeks to have had the opportunity to do something for my friends or my family. So, this Christmas, as I celebrate all month long, I want to always keep at the forefront of my mind the concept of giving - giving of myself, my time, my money, or anything else connected with me. After all, isn't giving what the season is all about?