The Hospital

So I spent a large part of my day in the hospital and man what an experience that was! I was asked "Are you pregnant?" so many times I became programmed to say, "No, I'm not pregnant" to every question.
"Does that hurt?"
"No, I'm not pregnant."
"Where do you feel pain?"
"No, I'm not pregnant."
"Are you ready for x-rays?"
"No, I'm not pregnant?"
"Ready for ultrasound?"
"NO, I'm not pregnant." (Hey, that one was almost legitimate!!! Lol!)

Oh well, I guess it's their job to make sure they don't harm a pregnant woman, but I never knew that pregnancy was the single largest cause of fainting in women. Apparently the majority of fainting women are pregnant. At least that's what I took away from the hospital today. Maybe not; just a perception.
Anyhoo, my day was a but strange. I had x-rays, ultrasounds, blood tests, urine test, blood pressure tests, heart tests and who knows what else. The diagnosis at the end of the day? "Well, you seem to be pretty healthy. Everything came back fairly normal. We don't know what's wrong with you but we can tell you it's not life threatening." Thank you! I'm so glad we got that cleared up! I was really beginning to wonder and you have put my mind at ease. I will definitely return here when I want answers because you guys do such thorough work! In all fairness they did try to find out what was wrong and the staff was all really great. My nurses, techs, and doctors were really nice and tried to make me as comfortable as possible during my stay. Of course my bill of over a 100 dollars and the nice ache I have in my arm from the IV are unpleasant side-effects of my emergency room stay, but all said and done it could have been worse and I am glad there is no chance of my dying overnight. At least not from health issues.
So, that about sums up my day. Not the worst ever but certainly not one I wished for. It was an experience for sure and one I am glad I don't have to repeat it, at least hopefully not any time soon.

Christmas in California

I spent my Christmas in California this year visiting relatives I hadn't seen in years. The trip there was pretty good and the stay was great. I had such a good time catching up with cousins that I hadn't seen in a while and getting re-acquainted with them as well as getting to know their children. There were two things that were really interesting to me. First, my uncle was such an intimidating person when I was a child. I remember that I was pretty much scared to death of talking to him. Seeing him as an adult was very different, but I noticed that he is really an easy-going sort of person that was actually quite funny to talk to. He did so much to make me feel welcome and I loved that I got to see that part of his personality. The second thing was my oldest cousin. She was adopted as a child so I never knew her until this past year. Come to find out, she and I have the same birthday and we are very similar. She was great to talk to. She and I talked for the longest time. Her husband and my dad kept asking what else we could possibly have to talk about. lol. It was really good getting to know her and comparing notes on the family. It's always amazing to me to how much genetics plays a part in how people develop. You can definitely tell my cousin and I are genetically related. The whole trip was really nice. I loved going to California for the first time. All my previous trips have left a horrible taste in my mouth and no desire whatsoever to return. This time I found myself wishing I could stay longer and hoping I can return soon. The trip also had the added bonus of giving my dad and I a lot of time together, just the two of us. We talked about a lot of things and I was really good to be able to just be with him. I've missed my dad so much these past years and I am so thankful God has given me the opportunity to be with him again. As I was with family on Christmas, reflecting over all the family issues there are and thinking of all the things that I have seen happen over the years I couldn't help but be grateful that God had given me the opportunity to not only be with my family but be a part of the work of restoration that I believe He is doing in our lives. The most important thing my cousins and I shared with each other as we sat talking was the desire each one of us has to see our family be a whole family again. I had the distinct feeling that somehow God was using us, the younger generation of the family, to help accomplish His will and His design for our family. There have been so many things happen, so much hurt, and so many rifts in my family. I couldn't even write everything here because its hard for me to keep track of sometimes. But I know God doesn't want things that way and feel that He is doing something new, working in so many ways to change that, and I am thrilled that I can be a part of it.
So, my Christmas was pretty special in more ways than one. Was it perfect? No. There were people I missed and wanted so much to be a part of that day. But, it was a great day.

The Shepherds and the Wise Men

The last characters in the Christmas story I want to notice are the shepherds and the wise men. These two groups of people were groups that were not directly linked to Mary or Joseph in any way, and yet God chose to involve them in this most holy occasion. As I think of the shepherds I can't help but wonder if perhaps God did not include them in this story in order to make it very clear that His plan for salvation includes everyone, even the most humble people. The shepherds were unassuming people who would not have had any idea of what God had in store for them that Christmas night, nor would they have any expectation of being directly involved in the coming of the Messiah. They were merely out on a hillside doing their job, never thinking that their lives would be changed in a single night. Yet, when the heavenly host appeared to them and informed them that the Saviour of the world was born in the city near them their response was so perfect, so completely in line with what it should have been. They promptly went to find the child and then they spread the news of his birth to everyone they came in contact with. These poor, uneducated men knew how to respond to this heavenly news, this most awesome event, and yet I wonder how many of us would respond as well. We think so highly of our educational, technological, and economical advances that we lose sight many times of the more important things in life, things such as finding our Savior and spreading the good news of His arrival to those we know. Perhaps that is why God chose to use the shepherds that night to herald the glad tidings of His Son's arrival to earth.
Then we have the wise men. These were wealthy, well-learned men. Men of science, not prone to making foolish decisions, men very much respected and revered for their intelligence and station in life. Why would God use them to play a part in His Son's birth? In looking at these sages, these wise men, I see how God showed Himself as transcending all social boundaries and classes to make known His plan of redemption. These men who had wealth and intelligence left their homes, traveled a great distance, and endured many hardships including threats on their lives to not only find this baby born in Bethlehem but to worship Him as well. If these men could do all that, not having any personal knowledge of this child, but just information, how much more can I, who has personal knowledge and experience of the Savior, endure any hardship to find the Savior and give Him the worship He so deserves? The question is will I, and if I start will I continue to do so?
All these characters played a part in God's amazing Christmas story. They are all different, from different backgrounds, different social settings, and different mind sets, but they all had one thing in common: they obeyed the voice of God and they were blessed to be a part of the birth of the Messiah. In looking at all these different characters I can also see how God uses people from every walk of life to be a part of His unfolding plans here on Earth. He uses the most humble people to remind us that we are never too lowly to be a part of His plans and He uses the more elevated people to remind us that we are never too good to bow the knee to Him. The only thing that really matters to God is whether or not we are willing to be obedient, willing to lay everything down in exchange for the great and glorious things He has for us, and most of all willing to welcome Him into our world, whatever that may be.
Happy Birthday, Jesus! You are more than welcome into this world of mine.
Merry Christmas!

Joseph

The next character I am drawn to in the Christmas story is Joseph. This simple carpenter had one of the key roles in this story and yet he could have walked away from it all and been justified by those around him. Can you imagine being engaged to a woman who then tells you she is pregnant and the child is not yours? Can you imagine being asked to go ahead and marry this woman and raise the child as your own? Your first thoughts would most likely be along the lines of Joseph's: I need to break this engagement. To the human eye it appeared that Mary had broken his trust and their agreement and had to have been intimately involved with another man, but that was only the human reasoning. The truth was that Mary's pregnancy was supernatural and as such it would take a supernatural occurrence to bring Joseph to this conclusion. So, an angel appeared to him in a dream and verified Mary's story, telling Joseph that he was indeed to marry her and help her raise this holy child. Still, visit from a heavenly being aside, Joseph had a tough decision to make. The people in the town that were closest to him and Mary knew that she was already pregnant. In marrying her Joseph was agreeing to take on the shame that would follow her and her child for the rest of their lives. Even when Jesus was grown He was reminded by those wishing to silence Him that He was the bastard child of a poor carpenter. But, Joseph saw into the future, just as Mary did, and he saw what this Child meant not only to the world he knew but to all mankind - those who had lived, those who were living, and those who were yet to be. Joseph saw God's plan of redemption unfolding in front of him and he chose to be a part of it, no matter what the cost was to himself personally and no matter how hard it seemed it was to follow through on the instructions given. The result of Joseph's decision was the birth of our Saviour and His protection and training as He was growing up. Joseph went from being a commonplace carpenter in a commonplace city somewhere in the vast timeline of history to being a pivotal player in God bringing salvation to man. Joseph's task was not an easy one and what the Lord asked of him was no light thing, but he obeyed and because He did we have something to celebrate - not just Christmas but God's most perfect gift - Jesus.

Mary

As I celebrate Christmas I reflect on the people that played the major roles in the unfolding of God's plan of redemption for man. The first person my thoughts are drawn to is Mary. What was she like? Was she seen as different or special in some way by those around her, by her family or her peers? What kind of a person was she? She was so young and yet she was so wise and brave. Can you imagine what was going through her head when one day as she was at home an angel appeared to her and told her that she was going to have a baby. Not only was she, a virgin, going to miraculously have a baby, but that baby was going to be the long-awaited, promised messiah. For most women the news that they are pregnant is such a pivotal moment in their lives. They wonder if they will be able to handle the pregnancy, wonder how the child will change their lives, wonder if they will be able to carry the child through the nine months and then deliver it, wonder it they will be a good mom, and wonder how their husband or significant other will handle the news. Mary faced all those questions and more, for she was not carrying just another child, she was carrying the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. What a huge responsibility that was! Did she ever wonder if maybe God had gotten it wrong and assigned this enormous task to the wrong person? What was the mental torment like to wonder how Joseph would respond when he found out she was pregnant? Would anyone even believe her? It was, indeed, an incredible story. But, then again, God is an incredible God. Somehow, Mary, a young commonplace girl, found it within herself to trust God implicitly and to obey Him in everything. She willingly shouldered the burden that was given her and showed strength beyond her years as she embarked on a journey that would change not only her own life but the life of all humanity both past and present. The reason she could do this was because at the bottom of her actions was a heart to obey the Lord no matter what, to trust Him as her guide and source of strength, and to believe that the Lord her God was the One Who went with her through every mountain, through every valley, through every experience. Now, I have to ask myself, would I do the same? What about the things in my life that the Lord has asked me to do that seem so impossible or insurmountable? Do I trust Him and proceed or do I balk and fight so that I won't be asked to do such things? Do I show the same strength and courage that Mary showed, enduring the struggles, knowing that in the end all things will work according to the Lord's plan if only I will obey? Do I realize, as Mary must have, that I have been given an amazing opportunity to not only serve the Lord but to serve mankind in bringing about the will of God on the earth, thus making it a place that better resembles heaven, bringing God's help and light into a darkened, needy world? As I reflect on Mary and her part in the Christmas story my prayer is that I might be even half the woman she was and might say with all my heart, "Behold, the handmaid of the Lord! Be it done to me according to your word."

A Winter Wonderland

I went to Winterhaven last night with my dad. It's a neighborhood in which every house puts up lights and decorations for Christmas and people come from all over Tucson to see it. It's called the festival of lights and takes place every year. As a child I loved going to Winterhaven. It was so amazing to see all the lights and the many different ways people celebrate Christmas. Some of the houses have spectacular light displays and others use a mixture of lights and large figurines to decorate. There are very artistic displays and humorous displays, but almost everything is enjoyable to see. Last night was the first time I had gone since I was a teenager and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Looking at all the houses was not only fun but the memories it brought back were nice as well. I remember times when my dad would take just my sisters and I and we could drive as slow as we wanted through the neighborhood. I also remember times when we were packed in the care like sardines and my mom was begging my dad to not stop at every house and look for fear we might all suffocate from lack of oxygen. I also remember the few times we walked and it was soooo cold. This year I rode in a wagon and that was pretty cool. It was very cold, but it moved at a nice slow pace so you could see everything.
I had an interesting thought, though, as I left Winterhaven last night. Perhaps it wasn't necessarily how magnificent or amazing the lights displays were or how incredible the houses looked that made Winterhaven so special to me as a child. Perhaps it was the sense of closeness it brought to my family, the sense of family tradition that was born as each year we made our way to that neighborhood. Perhaps it was the cups of hot chocolate that we shared and the huddling together to stay warm that made the times as a child so precious to me. I know that last night it wasn't that Winterhaven was magical that made it enjoyable. It was being with my dad and having the opportunity to have him be a part of my life again that made last night special. The lights and decorations certainly made things nice, but for some reason, they weren't what I noticed most last night. I noticed most how much I've missed my dad and how glad I was that he was there with me last night. I could have been anywhere with him and it would have been a winter wonderland.

Embarrassment

Have you ever been really embarrassed about something? I have, too many times to remember. In fact, I am still horribly embarrassed about so many things. Old pictures of myself is a good example of this. Actually, make that pictures of myself, period, but old ones are the worst. I hate looking at myself and knowing that I look absolutely ridiculous in some of those pictures makes them even harder to look at. The situation becomes much worse when I actually show people pictures of myself, especially ones of me as a child. I don't like the way I look in pictures now and I hate the way I look in old pictures. Every time I pull out old photo albums there is this horrible sense of dread that comes over me. I can feel the embarrassment creeping up my spine and flushing my cheeks. My automatic instinct is to leave the room where the pictures are and try as hard as I can to get away from the images, as though that will make them go away. I thought that if I showed enough people that feeling would go away and eventually I wouldn't care who saw the pictures or what I looked like in them, but that is not the case. In fact, I find that with each time I hate it worse. So, I had to finally ask myself what it was that I was so embarrassed about and I think I found some answers. I am ashamed of myself in all those pictures. Ashamed of how I looked, ashamed of the things I was wearing, ashamed of who I was and what I represented. I hate how poor I was, how I dressed, what my hair looked like (SHEEESH, that was terrible!!), hate that I was such a nerd. When I look at those pictures I remember how I felt about myself then - how unloved, unwanted, completely awkward and so sadly lacking I thought I was - and that is what I hate most of all. That is what is most embarrassing about those pictures. In some way I'm afraid that everyone who see the pictures will see all the things I do, have all the criticisms and strong dislikes about them I do, and will view me the way I view myself, and that is a terrifying thought. With that in mind, I would say, then, that it is fear rather than embarrassment that creeps up my spine and flushes my face and makes me grip the picture book with such force, reluctantly turning each page, revealing more and more of who I have been in all my "glory". It's a fear that the pictures will cause rejection or will make someone think poorly of me. It's a fear that I will have to explain myself and have to attempt to answer all the "whys" those pictures evoke. I know it sounds completely irrational and silly, especially when one is writing about it on a blog that numerous people look at, but that is the truth. It would seem that the answer would be to just stop caring about it and "move on", but I am finding that that is a whole lot easier to say than to do. Perhaps the best thing to do is deal with the ridiculous but very real fear of rejection and then move on from there to conquer the sense of embarrassment that seems to overtake me each time I encounter old pictures. Logically thinking about it, I know I can't change the pictures as I cannot change the past, but I can accept it as what was and learn to not be afraid of how that knowledge of my past may affect those in my present and future. That seems like the first step, and my, what a large, grueling one it is!

Why?

The most overused question in the world is "why?", and yet I find it is so appropriate for so many things. There are so many situations in which this question seems to be the only response that you can come up with. I'm not sure how other people's minds and sense of reasoning works but mine works best when I understand what is going on and why it is happening. When I don't understand something my first response is usually "why?" Why do people that say they love you do things to intentionally hurt you? Why do things that seem so simple at times can make the biggest impact on you? Why are some people so loving and caring for no apparent reason while other are so mean and spiteful for the same reason? Why are crazy people allowed to hold positions of power and use their authority to hurt and threaten others? Why are so many people too cowardly to stand up for what is right and so willing to ignore what is wrong? Why is it always easier to do what is wrong that to do what is right? (wait, I already know the answer to that) Why is love such a wonderful thing and yet such a painful thing? Why is hate such a horrible thing and yet such a gratifying thing (at least at certain moments)? Why is it so hard for so many people to understand where you are coming from and what you are trying to say and why is it so hard to effectively communicate it? I could go on for a lifetime, but I think I've made my point. There are so many questions out there, and it would seem too few answers. It is overwhelming at times and I feel as though asking the questions is pointless, but then that wouldn't really solve the problem because the questions are there whether I ask them or not and that means that somewhere the answers are there as well. I guess, that would mean then that my getting answers all depends on whether or not I am willing to keep hunting for the answers to my questions, knowing that even if I were to arrive at all the answers there would still be a multitude more questions that would then need to be answered as well because there will always be situations and circumstances that arise that evoke the only possible response of "why?" Does any of this make sense? Hmm. I think I started to say one thing and wound up saying something else. Oh well. Food for thought. :)

Update

I realize I haven't updated in a while. Sorry. My life has been busy and good computer access has been scarce. There isn't too much that has changed since I did last update. I'm still looking for a new job but it doesn't look likely that I will have one until after the first of the year. I am formulating a plan for attending graduate school including looking at applying to several schools out of state. I will retake the GRE after the first of the year and probably take a few classes next year. No great adventures planned, no ingenious plots hatched. After this year, however, that will be a nice break. This year has been wild and crazy for me and has brought about some major changes. There have been some very painful experiences but also some very good times. I feel like I have grown an exceptional amount, especially in the past few months, and I am finally able to experience things I have been waiting a lifetime to experience. I am thrilled at all the changes and saddened by some of the results, but that seems to be the cycle of life. All you can do is keep moving on and doing your best. For the first time in my life I don't know where I am going or how I am going to get there, and that is okay. I have a general idea of things I want to accomplish and goals I want to meet, but the how or why of those things is still unanswered and, unlike what I normally feel, that doesn't scare me. I am content right now to sit back and enjoy the ride on this crazy course called life.

December

It's December, time to celebrate Christmas. This is one of the most exciting holidays for me and I love that I get three to four weeks to celebrate it. I love the lights, the music, the general good cheer that's in the air, and the spirit of giving that, for the most part, permeates everything. This year will be different for me in many ways. It is the first time I will be away from what I have known as family and friends, away from the traditions I have celebrated for the past twenty-something years, the first time I will make all my own decisions and actually be a truly independent adult. In some ways that is exciting to me; in others it is frightening. I miss my family terribly and want so much to be with them this Christmas, but not at the cost that would be asked of me. However, I am excited to see and experience new things, find new traditions, restore lost relationships and establish new ones. The most exciting thing, though, for me this year is that I get to express myself and my feelings for those I care about in a way I was never able to before. For me, the best part of Christmas is realizing everything God has done for me and taking the gratitude that floods my being and expressing it in a way that blesses and helps someone else. I didn't grow up exchanging Christmas presents, but I did grow up learning to give of myself to help those around me, especially at Christmas time, and in so doing my own needs would be met. This year I am probably more needy than I have ever been, or at least in so many ways it feels that way, and I have still found that what makes me the happiest is doing things for other people. I love it when something I do meets a need someone has or when I am able to help someone with something that maybe no one else has noticed or is able to help them with. I cannot even tell you what good it has done me in the past few weeks to have had the opportunity to do something for my friends or my family. So, this Christmas, as I celebrate all month long, I want to always keep at the forefront of my mind the concept of giving - giving of myself, my time, my money, or anything else connected with me. After all, isn't giving what the season is all about?

This and That

This week has been interesting. I am having to get used to working full-time, which is not fun, and I am still trying to sort things out in my life and figure out where I am headed. There have been so many good things and some not so good things, but life overall is good and God is still such a wonderful God, Jesus such an amazing Savior. One thing about working is that, aside from the extra money, I am gaining some really good experience and I am busy so there isn't too much time to reflect on the things in my life that I wish were different or even better. There have been a lot of good times the past few weeks and I have had a lot of "first's". For instance, I went to my first college basketball game last night. It was fun. I really enjoyed myself. I ate dippin' dots ice cream for the first time and that was, uh, interesting (?). I've tried more new foods in the past three weeks than in my whole life and there have been other experiments as well (lol). I am excited at this moment to discover all the things I have never had the opportunity to see and do and I am filled with anticipation at what the Lord has in store for me. There are the hard things to deal with as well, but God has given me some incredible friends to help me through those times. He has restored family relationships that have been ruined for years and He has brought people back into my life that have been gone for far too long. I know Thanksgiving was last week, but I am finding myself overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and thanks to the Lord for the many blessings He has poured out on me and for all the wonderful provisions He has made. There is no way to express all the praise, thanks, and adoration He is worthy of, and no way to express just how much He means to me and how much I love Him. As I prepare to enter this Christmas season, I know that it will be the hardest one I have ever had to face, but the thought that I will have the opportunity to spend several weeks celebrating what God did in sending Jesus to this earth is a wonderful feeling. I'm so glad I have something to celebrate this season, and no matter how bad things may seem or feel there will always be something to rejoice about, something to celebrate.

My Grandma

For the past few days I have been sorting through things that belonged to my grandmother. I took several thing with me when I returned from Texas and I have been helping my dad sort through things that he brought back. I've read old cards, looked at pictures and remembered a lot of things. Truth be told, I am still in the grieving process. It has been harder than I thought, but I am getting through it slowly but surely. My grandparents were always very special to me. My grandfather and I were very close and when I lost him I was deeply grieved. In many ways his passing brought me close to my grandmother. She and I shared stories and memories about my grandfather time and time again. But that wasn't all we shared. I knew I could talk to my grandmother about anything: frustrations, excitements, the general goings on of everyday life, and questions about the many things I didn't understand. She was one of the most caring people I have ever met. She could form relationships with anyone. If you were ever a part of our family you were always a part of her life. I can think of the numerous former aunts and girlfriends, step-cousins and friends that she kept in contact with and tried to let know that she cared about them, that they were valuable to her. She used to always say, "You can't control what anybody does, only yourself, and you can always chose to love people." That's how she lived her life. She gave of herself everyday, laid down her life and her plans on numerous occasions to help her friends or her family. She found such joy in being with those she loved and she could let you know what she thought about you without making you think you were the worst person on earth. She had a lot of grandchildren and I am sure there were times when we certainly let her down, but she never said it. She was always so full of encouragement, and the best kind at that - encouragement in the Lord. She was always reminding us that the Lord was real and a part of our lives and we should live to honor Him to the best of our ability. She made sure that those around her knew how important her relationship with the Lord was and she always pointed them to Him, assuring them that He had all the love and help they would ever need. Sure, she scolded and there were times when she would have to make us mind, but there was never a time when we doubted that she loved us unconditionally and would do anything for us. She was unlike any other person I have ever known and I can only hope to live up to her standard of excellence in living this life. The Bible says a virtuous woman is hard to find, her beauty is found in her relationship to God and her family, and that her children will rise up and call her blessed. Grammer, you were truly a virtuous woman and I want to say that you were truly blessed and my life was blessed because you were a part of it. I miss you so much - your smile, your laugh, your tender touch, your encouraging words - but I know the separation is only temporary and I can't wait for the day when I can see you again. Goodbye for now.

Thanksgiving

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I hope you all had a great day. I have so much to be thankful for. God has been so good to me and provided me with so many good things that I could never thank Him enough or say enough about what a great, amazing God He is. He is beyond comparison and there really aren't words that can aptly describe Him. I continue to be in awe of Him and I was happy to spend a day reflecting on all the blessings He has bestowed on my and those I love. I had a very different Thanksgiving from anything I have had in quite a while. I was with a different set of family and it was a nice change. There were people I got to know for the first time and family I got to catch up with. The day started kind of slow and I wasn't sure I was going to enjoy myself but when all was said and done God was so good and the day turned out really well. There were several family members that met at my grandparents old home and there was lots of reminiscing about days gone by. There were plenty of laughs at stories and old pictures and quite a bit of joking about things like cell phones and husbands. It was a lot of fun. Towards the end of the afternoon the immediate family gathered in my uncle's work shed to go through my recently deceased grandmother's things. It was a good time of remembering things about her and my grandfather and laughing at some of the ridiculous things we found. I really enjoyed myself and I think the whole experience helped draw everyone in the family closer together. My favorite things to go through were the pictures, my grandmother's recipes, and her numerous records. By the time I was done I ended up with 5 boxes of stuff for my dad to drive home for me. I am richer in family history and in my record collection. My grandparent's farm has always had a special place in my heart and I always loved going back there as a kid. This year it was hard to imagine being there without one of them to great me as I walked in the door, but life continues, even after you lose someone, and there were other family member's arms to hold me in place of my grandparent's. Last night I curled up on the couch in the living room like I had done so many times as a child. I had on my grandmother's flannel pajama pants (it was really cold there), and my grandfather's flannel shirt on. I was wrapped in the memories of them and all the times, good and bad, that I had with them, and it was a comforting thought to fall asleep to. I miss you, Grammer and Poppie, but I know I'll see you again some day soon.

My Weekend

This past weekend was great! Friday was pretty good. I spent time with a good friend, got to try cooking some new things, which was very interesting, and had one of the best nights I've had in a while. Saturday I dragged my tired self out of bed at a super early hour and went paintballing. That was a blast!!!! At the beginning I wasn't sure I was going to have a good time. My friend and I met the guy that was going to drive us to the field and that was quite interesting. I found myself in the back of an old Suburban filled with people I didn't know, except my friend, flying down the highway at 90 plus miles an hour. "I'm on the Highway to Hell" was blaring from the stereo and the driver was pretending the entire time that he was going to lose control of the car and run into someone. That part I could have done without, but the rest of the day was good. I got to meet some interesting people, one of whom was in the car with us and kept things very entertaining. He was great to talk to and fun to play paintball with. The paintball field itself was quite a new experience for me, but I had so much fun. I imagine that my super competitive self was thriving on the fact that I was playing with mostly men and, of course, being one of the few women, I had to prove myself. But, really, all that aside I had a really good time and I would do it again in a heartbeat. The atmosphere was completely a man's world with rock music blaring from a DeWalt stereo, men in camo, multiple pieces of equipment everywhere you went, very few women to be found, beer by the cartons, and stacks of comic books lying around in case you needed a momentary diversion. I have to say though, most of the men treated me pretty well. There were a few that didn't really like the fact that I was there and I had to restrain myself from killing a chauvinist referee, but most of the guys were really cool. I have a few battle scars such as a swollen knuckle and two bruises the size of a golf ball on both my legs, but there is nothing too terrible. My favorite line of the day came from one of the guys I was playing with and happened when he had to pick between me and another guy for who was going to be on his team: "I pick her because, well, she's a girl and I always prefer girls to guys, and she has awesome nails, and besides, she's got a sweet attitude!" That about summed up my day. It was fun. I want to go again, but I think next time I will go with someone I know so I don't have to play with only people who don't know me and then I have to show them just who I really am.

Ramblings

Today is the first day it has actually felt like fall here in Tucson. There was a slight rain early this morning, the sky is overcast and the temperature is slightly warmer than cool. All I can say is FINALLY! I've been waiting for weeks for this and I am so glad it is finally here. My two favorite times of the year in Tucson are fall and spring. You can't beat the weather and everything looks better too. So, the year is wrapping itself up rather quickly and I am still shaking my head wondering where all the time went. This has been quite the year for me. Amazing doesn't even begin to sum it up, but it does give it a good start. At this present moment I feel like I have been given a brand new chance at life, a chance to live out all my dreams and not be held back by anything other than my own mistakes and shortcomings. Perhaps that seems strange for some of you but, trust me, this is a new situation for me to be in. I am totally independent for the first time in my life and while slightly unnerving, it is also very liberating. I am admittedly a little frightened at this great big world I live in knowing that I am doing and experiencing so many things that are new, but strangely, I have a quiet confidence that I can do this, that the Lord is helping me every step of the way and that I will be a success. I have to pause here a moment and say that the Lord has been so good to me the past few weeks. He is always so incredibly good to me, but especially in the past two weeks, He has done so much more for me than I ever expected. He has given me people to care for me and help me at one of the lowest points of my life and He has provided my every need sometimes before I ask or in ways I never thought possible. He is such a great God and I love Him so much and am so thankful for Him and in awe of Who He is. For those of you who read this and know what I am referencing, I have to say a special thank you to you as well. I wouldn't have been able to come through everything I've come through without you. You've been great and I couldn't ask for better friends.

FYI

Just to let those know who might be interested - I have new blog. It's stories from my life. I hope they are as entertaining to read as they were to experience. There is a link at the bottom of this blog. It's the Urban Bus Adventures link. Check it out if you dare.

A Note

I'm always amazed at the incredible turns in the road I seem to stumble across in this journey known as life. Just when I think I have things figured out something comes along and everything changes. I have experienced more change in the past two weeks than I ever have before. It's certainly not a bad thing, but it has been hard to deal with. Thankfully I have had the time to recuperate this past week and so I feel much better and able to handle things. I have been dealing with hurt, grief, confusion, and loss, and somewhere in the middle of all this I am in love. It's a wild and wacky mix but it's me for now. What amazes me most about everything is the way the Lord has put people on my path to help me during this time. I have some great friends that have been so helpful and supportive, a man that amazes me with his strength and support and his ability to care, and an unexpected new acquaintance that has proven to be just the encouraging voice I need at this moment. God has been so good to me and I am so thankful for His constant care for me and His watching out for me. Without Him how lost I would be.

Short Note

So it's been forever since I posted and my life has been CRAZY! There have been so many things that have changed and so many more that are about to change. Change is good but at the same time it isn't always easy. I'm having to make some tough decisions and try to live my life in a different way. I'm not scared but I am cautious and hoping I don't screw up too royally. I can't write much right now but I can promise that the next few posts I will try to fill you all in on my adventures in a new path of life.

Breathing

Well, I survived yesterday and I'm feeling much better about today. The Lord was so good to me and sent me just the right person to talk to. I still have an hundred and one questions rolling around in my head but I have peace now too. It's that peace that passes all understanding and calms your soul in the midst of the fiercest storms. I don't know what today or tomorrow hold for me but I do know the One Who holds both of them and He does love me and want the best for me. I know that if I keep my gaze fixed on Him and trust Him He will carry me through and accomplish His will.
I also received some pretty sad news yesterday and that has kept me pretty preoccupied. It's not devastating news, but it is sad. It's always funny to me to see how I will react to things. I thought I had myself and my emotions in this situation pretty much under control but for some reason I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face last night. I think it was probably a release for me because I hadn't done that in a while and in this particular situation it was a lot of emotions to keep pent up, so I am glad for the release. Just wish I could learn to do it without crying.
To sort of sum up my life at this moment: I'm having some hard struggles, I am experiencing loss, and I am learning to lean on the Everlasting Arms more than ever before in my life.

HELP!

What's in my mind? What is going on in my head? What am I thinking or can I even call this thinking? There is definitely no rationality to it. AHHHHHH!!!!! I can't get it to stop. I want to throw caution to the wind, I want to be extremely impulsive, I want to do something drastic. I feel like I'm trapped and the only way out it to blow something up. But then, there is a still small voice inside my head that keeps telling me not to do something stupid, to just wait, hold myself back and wait because things will work out. How do you kill your thoughts and trust that still small voice? I can only think of two things that will help me. I must remind myself that I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me and I am not supposed to give up in dong the right thing because in the end I will have all the benefits I want if I don't give up. But, oh, how hard that is and of very little comfort to me at this moment. Gotta fix my gaze ahead, gotta not look behind or beside me, gotta endure.

The Last Four Days

I have been in East Texas for that past four days and it was quite the adventure. I drove there with my seven siblings. A 20 hour drive with all of us in one vehicle -- imaging all the "fun" we had! Actually, it was a pretty good time. There were a lot of laughs, some grumpiness, and a whole lot of sleeping to waste away the time. When we got to our destination we spent two days with my massive family. There were at least 40 members of my family that we said hello to and visited with. At the end of each day we were exhausted just from talking all day. But, it was a good trip. It was really nice to be back in East Texas. The weather was beautiful and the green trees and grass was a nice switch from the Tucson scenery. It was nice to walk down the street, recalling all the summers I spent there. Of course, I learned that walking was not something the locals do. After my second walk down the main city streets I fond out why. My sisters and I had more cat calls and men stopping their cars to talk to us than we ever do in Tucson. So much for a sweet small Southern town! It was really nice to see all my family members again and catch up with everyone on what they had been doing over the past few years. The nicest part of the trip was that fact that I wasn't at work. It always amazes me how God works. My trip wasn't a joy ride by any means, but it did provide an opportunity for some breathing space that I desperately needed and couldn't have come at a more opportune time. Besides, I found some awesome chocolate while I was there and that will keep me happy for at least the next few weeks. All kidding aside, I was afraid the trip would end up being a sad one but the Lord was more than gracious, He spared me and my family from a devastating heartache, and He gave time to spend with each other away from the crazy everyday norm of our lives. I really enjoyed myself, had several really good laughs, shed a few tears, got lots and lots of hugs (yea!!!!), and was happy to return home last night. So, now I am facing the week with a bit more encouragement than I've had in a while and I am hoping things will remain at least calm enough to deal with on a rational level. = ]

What's Up

Just when you think you have a handle on life things get even more hectic than they were. Last week things were super crazy for me. I finally had enough of my boss's craziness and decided to do something about it, I ran into numerous problems with the program I am using for my research, and my relationship issues seemed to be something I just couldn't get a handle on. Then, over the weekend thing calmed down. I regained my composure, took a deep breath and was ready to plunge in again this week, but starting with Monday then went haywire again. The problems at work that started last week carried over to this week and then I found out some bad news from my family. Now I am looking at going on a sudden trip that will last at least three days. I packed early this morning, never tell a woman she has an hour to pack for three days, and then I went to work. To be honest the time off from work would be nice given the environment there hasn't exactly been pleasant, but the circumstances which have called me away are not pleasant in the slightest. So, I am essentially leaving a horrible situation to enter one that brings me no joy and will be hard to deal with. I guess that is how life is sometimes. It runs in cycles, some good areas and some bad.

Morning Came

Truly God is so good. He met me today and turned all my sorrow into joy. I went to church wanting so desperately to experience the presence of God and He met me there. It was AWESOME and so incredibly amazing. It was just what I need. The songs so minstered to me. Here is a sample of the words that touched me:
A mighty fortress is our God; a bulwark never failing.
Our helper He amid the flood; of mortal ills prevailing.
For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe.
His craft and power are great and armed with cruel hate;
On earth is not his equal.
Did we in our own strength confide our striving would be losing.
Were not the right Man on our side; the Man of God's own choosing.
Doth ask who that may be? Christ Jesus it is He.
Lord Sabaoth His name from age to age the same,
And He must win the battle.

God is our refuge and strength, a present help in time of trouble.
Though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea
Though the waters roar and foam, we will not fear.

Fear not, my child, I'm with you always.
I feel every pain and every tear I see.
Fear not my child, I'm with you always.
I know how to care for what belongs to me.

When my way grows drear, Precious Lord, linger near.
When my life is almost gone, hear my cry, hear my call
Take my hand, Lord, lest I fall.
Take my hand, Precious Lord, and lead me home.
Precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, help me stand.
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn.
Through the storms and through the night lead me on to the light.
Take my hand, Precious Lord and lead me on.

Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord
To the cross where Thou hast died.
Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord
To Thy precious bleeding side.

Jesus is with me when the storm clouds gather.
He's standing by my side when I hear the thunder roll.
He holds my hand when I begin to tremble
When the winds of this world get to blowing strong.

Christ is the Rock on which I stand.
He keeps me safe from the sinking sand.
He pulls me up from the miry clay.
Christ is the Rock, He is the way.

The rest of the service was pretty great as well and my day was filled with the goodness of the Lord. It is always so great to experience the Lord coming to meet you just when you need Him most. I am so thankful and glad He never leaves us or forsakes us. He is always faithful and His love is always sure. He has met me in my time of need once again and I have renewed ability to face life.

Right Now

I know I haven't really posted anything personal or about me specifically in a while. To be very honest, I haven't had much I could post. My world came crashing down around me a week and a half ago I have spent the last 10 days trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together so that I can have some sort of life. I guess, having never experienced truly loving someone and wanting more than anything in the world to spend the rest of my life with them, I never knew the power such strong emotions had. I have pretty much ceased to exist since that horrible evening when everything came to a screeching halt. I have been a shell of a person who still looks very much real and carries on as though things are all right but inside me there is only a broken heart and hurt that seems to never stop. I keep telling myself to take one day at a time and eventually everything will be fine, but my heart has refused to believe what my head is trying to say. Living this life has become merely a cycle to follow, a routine to get lost in in hopes that the distraction will offer at least some relief from the torment that plagues me night and day. I am not even mad at the person. I still love him more than words can say. In fact, it is maddening to me that he has to see my hurt and that makes him feel bad. I don't want him to hurt and I don't want to hurt him. I just wish somehow I could rewind the clock and cause things to turn out differently. But what would I change? I can't think of anything drastic that I could do to change the outcome and that is frustrating to me. My head hurts from trying to understand everything, my eyes hurt from crying continuously, and my heart hurts from caring too much. My only real source of comfort right now is my Jesus. He has been so wonderful, so loving to me right now. His words are what sustain me day to day; His touch is what keeps me going when I know I can't take one more step forward. I never dreamed life could be this hard, but I have one promise that I am holding onto with everything in me: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Oh, Lord, how I wish it was morning!

A Good Read

I've been reading a lot lately and yesterday I was reading a chapter out of one of the books I am reading. The subject matter was on serving God and how to do that in your life. I really enjoyed what I was reading and the author was making some very good points. Imagine my surprise last night when I stumbled onto a website on which someone was writing on the very same topic, saying almost the exact same thing. The website was really good and I decided to post something from it here.

New Testament Christianity: The Heart of the Matter

". . .Why do you not know how to interpret the present time?" (Luke 12:56)

Long term readers of my commentaries are well aware that the twin passions of my life are: 1) the desperate need to recover the truth about America's Christian heritage, and 2) the even more desperate need for a nation-wide revival of the Christian faith.
As I was doing a radio interview over the phone today, the interviewer and I were talking about the general spiritual condition of America's churches. My impression, gleaned from what I read in magazines and newsletters, hear on TV and radio, and pick up from various conversations with people, is that there is a dangerously shallow level of understanding about what it means to be a Christian in our churches these days. I have been doing preaching and teaching missions on Christian growth and maturity for over 35 years, and I am afraid that there might well be less understanding about true New Testament Christianity now than there was three decades ago! And yet, I hear these ridiculous claims that we are experiencing revival in America! Now, maybe some folks are experiencing revival in their congregation, or even in their city, but as for nation-wide revival---it ain't happenin' yet, folks!
"Well then," you might ask, "what is true New Testament Christianity? Where would you start to define that?"
"I'm glad you asked that," I would respond. And this would be my answer:
Becoming a Christian can never be properly understood as long as that is defined as getting God's forgiveness just for particular sins. That is only a part of the issue, and it is not the primary part, either. Yet, it seems to be the focus of so much fundamentalist and/or evangelical preaching. Other churches, especially some main-line denominational ones, but also some charismatic fellowships, seem to virtually ignore the issue of sin, and put their emphasis either on having some kind of intellectual "belief" relationship with Christ, or on making some sort of all-too-vague personal commitment to Him as Savior and Lord. In either case, that's supposed to take care of becoming a Christian. But, it doesn't BEGIN to take care of it. You see, the horrible danger in people being allowed to think this way is that either they don't take sin seriously at all, or, if they can't find very many of the Biblical list of sins that they have committed they are then under the delusion that they are "ok" with God, that somehow they are more acceptable to Him than the people who have racked up a large score on the list. Wrong on both scores. God takes our sins very seriously.
But, He's even more concerned about our sinfulness.
What's really involved in God making a Christian out of me? What's involved is that I have a far more basic problem than the sins I have committed. The real problem with me, and you, and everybody, is that we each have a fallen sinful nature. We inherited it, from our parents, and their parents. . . and the inheritance stretches all the way back to the First Parents. We didn't have anything to do with this heredity problem---we didn't make a choice about it, one way or the other. But, in spite of the fact that we didn't choose it, God's Word says that we are all "children of wrath" by nature (Ephesians 2:3)---that is, we are by nature under God's judgment, separated from Him. That means that we are not naturally children of God, in contrast to the saying you hear all the time: "we're all children of God." No, we are not! John 1:12 tells us we have to become children of God.
And yet, God commands us to be holy: "You shall be holy, as the Lord your God is holy" (Lev. 20:7; 1 Peter 1:16). That is literally an impossible commandment for any human being to pull off on his or her own---totally beyond the realm of possibility. Nonetheless, there it stands. All that commandment, and the equally impossible teaching of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount, can do is to create despair in the natural, non-born again person. But, that's really the point---we are supposed to come to the end of ourselves, so that we'll be ready to hear the Good News of a loving God's solution.
People simply do not understand, because it's not preached today, that this loving God is still utterly serious about this business of holiness and righteousness. He hasn't changed the ground rules just because we're in the 21st Century. So, here is this impossible commandment, and our total inability to meet it. What can we do?
First, holiness from God's point of view has much more to do with our nature than it does with particular sins. You have to be born again to become a child of God. Jesus bluntly states that in John 3:3: "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God."
That is something no one can manage---it is totally supernatural, above and beyond natural capabilities. God Himself has to do this for us; we can do nothing to accomplish this.
What this literally means is that Jesus has to put His own nature into us---that's what it means to be born again. God cannot accept sin or sinfulness in His presence. He is Holiness and Righteousness itself, and sin simply cannot physically exist in the presence of His all-consuming Holiness. But, He can accept us with the presence of His Son's nature in us, as a substitution for our sinful and fallen nature. In other words, He can accept the nature of His Son in us---and that sinless nature makes us holy in God's sight. We can only be holy "in the Lord," or better said, we can only be holy because the Lord is in us. That is why the Bible says, "Christ in you (is) the hope of glory" (Colossians 1:27).
How do I enter into this condition of having the nature of Jesus Christ in me? I have to come to the realization that I need a nature transplant, a transfusion of the nature of Christ into my human spirit. Will I still have my fallen, sinful nature? Yes, until the day I die. It doesn't just magically disappear. But, it will no longer have power over me. The nature of Jesus Christ is stronger, the blood that Jesus Christ shed on Calvary's Cross is stronger, than anything in my nature.
I become born again by admitting my great need to Jesus, and in a conscious, verbal, and open surrender of myself to Him, ask Him to put His nature into me. At the same time, I openly and verbally confess to Jesus that I am choosing to believe that He died on that Cross for me personally---to forgive my sins and redeem my sinfulness. And, I tell God the Father that I receive His forgiveness, won by Jesus' death for me---forgiveness for my sins (confessing out loud the ones the Holy Spirit of God brings to my remembrance) and for my sinfulness.
There's one more thing I also need to do at this same time, and that is to tell Jesus that I receive Him into my heart as my Savior and my Lord. That means that I confess to Him that there is absolutely nothing I can do to save myself---that is to make myself acceptable to God, because of my sin problem. I now realize that He alone is my Savior, and I tell Him so. Further, I tell Him that I receive Him as my Lord, which means that I am surrendering the control of my life into His hands, and promise to seek Him from this time forward in all decisions.
In becoming a Christian I am giving up my self-dependency, and becoming dependent on the life of another---Jesus Christ.
Now, those of you who have already done all this may feel that you have learned nothing new from this commentary so far. But, hang on! There is an important revelation for those of us who call ourselves Christians.
If becoming a Christian is a matter of receiving the nature of Jesus Christ into us, then relying on the nature of Jesus Christ is also the only way to live the Christian life. Christ in me is just as much the only hope of glory after I have been regenerated as it was before. As Christians we have to learn to rely on the indwelling spirit of Jesus to be able to live the Christian life. Because God has put a new nature within me, the nature of Jesus Christ, I can obey Him and live according to His will. But, I am going to have to learn how to rely on the nature of Jesus, and not my own efforts.
Far too many of us Christians understand that we have to be supernaturally born again to become Christians, but then we proceed to try and live the Christian life as if it depended on our own efforts, with a little bit of prayer added. In this kind of scenario, self and self-effort is still in the center---we have not yet learned how to rely on Jesus power in us; we haven't yet learned how to call on Him for everything we need throughout the day.
For example, I am not trying to write this commentary on my own. It's not a matter of whether I think I can manage it without His help. Of course I could write it without His help. But that's not the point. I want it to be the way He wants it; I want it to be His thoughts and words, not just mine. I want it to glorify Him; I want it to be used by Him to accomplish His purposes in readers' lives. So, I am writing it in an attitude of prayer---asking Him to help me with it, line by line.
What if we lived like this 24/7 ? I certainly don't yet, and I'll bet you don't either. But, we could.
If living the Christian life depends upon a reliance on the Spirit of Jesus within us, then we need to realize that His teachings about living the Christian life take for granted that we will rely on Him. Here's the new revelation about this, which I never quite understood in these exact terms until now: His impossibly difficult teachings, about loving your enemies for example, are meant to apply to His life within us. Jesus in me can love my enemies, Jesus in me can love the homeless, or the murderer, or the homosexual---or whatever it is that you or I find impossible to do on our own. The Sermon on the Mount is not meant to be a code of Law that we find impossible to obey, even with the help of prayer. It is meant to be seen as the standard of Kingdom life, to be accomplished by Jesus in me, as I yield to Him and seek to operate by His power and love.
In the Gospels, when Peter asks Jesus how many times he must forgive his enemies, and generously offers the number seven as a possible limit to his forgiveness, Jesus shocks him by telling him that he must forgive seven times seventy---470 times! Is this an impossible legal demand that Jesus has just laid on Peter? No! Jesus knows that only He can forgive like that, and so does Peter! But, after Peter is filled with the Spirit of Jesus on the Day of Pentecost, Peter comes to find out that Jesus can and will exercise that kind of forgiveness in and through him. I'm sure that Peter experienced that when they ended his earthly life by crucifying him upside down, if the legend is accurate.
These realizations bring the very real prospect that ordinarily sinful folks like us can learn to live out our Christian discipleship by relying on the real presence and power of Jesus in our hearts. And then, His righteousness and holiness can become real in our lives. That's "amazing grace"! --- Peter J. Marshall

Part 2

I know it's been two days since I posted the first part of this post. Sorry. Life has been on the interesting side. So, without further ado here is part 2:

The greatest need in the church of God today is that those who profess and call themselves Christians should have a life which backs up the message. "As he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation" (I Peter 1:15). When we remember that the word "conversation" means "conduct and manner of living" we find ourselves back to Colossians 2:6: "As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him."
It is essential that my life should be pure and holy - essential, not optional. If I allow sin, failure, defeat and any other of the "old things" to dominate in my daily walk, then I am limiting God from beginning to end. If I go on doing this in spite of His warning, I will make a farce of my Christian walk, a fool of myself and a friend of the devil.
We have been thinking . . . of the tragedy of limiting God in what He can do for us. We have considered Deuteronomy 6:23 where it is recorded that God "brought us out . . . that he might bring us in." Verse 24 goes on to say: "And the Lord commanded us to do all these statutes . . . for our good always." The whole plan and purpose of God is "for our good always". God never limits His blessing to us. The measure of God's unlimited desire to give is recorded for us in Malachi 3:10:
"Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse . . . prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will no open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it!
How God longs to give! Listen to God's longing for us recorded in Deuteronomy 5:29:
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever!
The tragedy of missing the blessing, of limiting God's goodness, is that it comes through our own disobedience.

Limiting God

I have some more things I want to post that are from the same author I have been posting from. Hope you can get something from them. Part 1

God gave a gift - His Son - and I accepted that gift. I received Jesus Christ. Not only did I believe His work, but I accepted His Person. God's salvation isn't a place or a passage. It is a Person. So Colossians 2:6 tells us, "As ye have received . . . so walk." How did I receive Christ? I received Him by faith and with empty hands. I did nothings toward my salvation - "not by works of righteousness which we have done" (Titus 3:5). I simply realized my need, believed God's answer to my need, and accepted Christ as my Saviour. The moment I accepted Him I was saved, delivered out of Egypt's bondage (a world that held us bondage to sin) by the shed blood of Christ. Also, I was in Christ, and because I was in Christ, I became a new creature.
Now that is perfectly true positionally and potentially, but very often it is not true practically. What I failed to do was to go on - to walk as I had received. I thought that because I had received Jesus as my Saviour, that was that. My sins were forgiven, I was saved, so now I had to be a good boy and live the Christian life. But that is where I got stuck in the wilderness, wandering and limiting God. I thought it was up to me now to live a good life, doing my best to serve Him - but nothing ever seemed to happen. I spent many years wandering in the desert. I wasn't in Egypt any more. I had been delivered, but I found it rather miserable, and sometimes monotonous living in the wilderness. Sometimes I came upon a little oasis which was very thrilling, but it only served to make me long for more such places.
Then one day God opened this verse to me. As I had received Christ Jesus, in just the same way I had to walk, day by day, in Him. I had to walk in Him, not in the wilderness. Jesus Christ is Canaan (the Promised Land). God brought me out so that He could bring me in - in Christ. Praise God, I had discovered the secret of progress. In His mercy, God let me see the simplicity of the whole thing. I just have to walk, receiving. When I came first, I received Christ. Now as I walk day by day, I continue to receive Him. He is all I need. He is made unto me all I can ever want.
So now my daily Christian life is a moment by moment experience of receiving Christ. Whatever problem, fear, anxiety, temptation or frustration comes into my life, it isn't my job to meet it. My job is to expose the whole situation to Christ Jesus the Lord, and then to walk believing that what He has promised H will also perform.
That is what God means when He says in II Corinthians 5:17 that "old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." So many of us are positionally and potentially new creatures in Christ, but practically we are still doing the old things, still wandering in the wilderness and getting nowhere. But all things can become new if only we will walk day by day, moment by moment, receiving "all that He is, for all that I need."
---- John E. Hunter ----- Limiting God

Living Sacrifice Continued

This is part 2 of what I started posting yesterday:

The sacrifice that I present to God - that is my whole self - must have three characteristics. It must be living, holy, acceptable. If I have made this threefold sacrifice, then I will prove the will of God to be threefold - good, acceptable, perfect. The trinity of presentation brings a trinity of proof.
If my sacrifice, my presentation of myself, is living, alert, ready and fully prepared, then the will of God will always be good to me. The mercy of God that gave me life will lead me always to expect nothing but good from such a Heavenly Father. Because I now live, He can be nothing but goodness to me.
If the presentation of myself to God is holy, then whatever His will may be, it will be acceptable to me. The word "holy" here means separate, set apart for God, and the word "acceptable" means well-pleasing. Thus if I am truly set apart for God and His purposes, whatever His will may be, it is well-pleasing to me.
If my offering is acceptable, then I will find His will to be perfect. "Acceptable" again means well-pleasing, and "perfect" here means complete, with nothing missing. How appropriate this third part is then. If I am well-pleasing to God, His will will be complete, nothing will be missing. Thus, if I present myself, I will most surely prove His will to be good, well-pleasing and complete. And so it will come to pass that my prepared heart, ready always to do His will, will never limit the purpose and counsels of God.
Another truth we find in Romans 12:1,2, is that "presentation leads to transformation." As I present my body, living, holy, acceptable to God, the command then comes in verse 2, "Be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed." This transformation is not something I can do myself. I can only be transformed by the renewing of my mind - or as the Amplified Version says, "by the [entire] renewal of your mind - by its new ideals and its new attitude."
This is the cost of having a prepared heart.
--- John E. Hunter ----

On Being A Living Sacrifice

I read something really good and I thought I would spend the next few posts sharing it with you. So, here is part 1:

"Maximum possible preparation" - that is how you and I ought to be in relation to God. Not that when faced with an opportunity of service for Him, we consider it and think about it then and there. But that we have a heart which has been properly prepared right from the start. We have faced Romans 12:1 and on our knees we have come to the only possible decision. From that moment we. . .are fully prepared, awaiting only the word of command. The tragedy is that so many Christians have dodged the issue at the start. They never said "Yes" and they never said "No". There was just a hazy indecision which meant but one thing, an unprepared heart. So, as always, God was limited because they were unprepared.
Let us bring this verse into the open and face up to it, once and for all. "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service." We should first of all realize what it doesn't mean. To present my body a living sacrifice doesn't mean giving a little more to the offering in church. Nor does it mean going to church more often. Nor does it mean being a better man or woman. Neither does it mean going to Bible College, or to the mission field, or becoming a pastor, or a Christian worker. It means exactly what it says.
I must first of all consider the mercies of God to me - how good He has been to me, how HE has saved me from a lost eternity, how He has made it possible for me, at the end of this very short earthly life, to be with Him in a place of perfection - a new heaven where there is no hunger, no separation, no pain, no sorrow and no sin. This blessed place will be my home for eternity! How amazing are the mercies of God, when all the time I might have been left in my sin to go to a Christless eternity of separation from God. I should think on these things until, "by the mercies of God" and because of His everlasting goodness, I kneel before Him to say, "thank you."
But my feeling of gratitude is such that words are not enough. Instead of speaking, I present myself to God. I present not only my time, my talents, but my very self, with words like this: "O Heavenly Father, my heart is full of gratitude for all Your goodness to me. I am only a poor wretched sinner, and yet You have made me Your child. You have received me into Your family and into Your everlasting Kingdom. Now, O God, I present myself as a living sacrifice to You, for You to use, as and where You will. My heart is prepared, O God, my hands are off my life. I am ready waiting Your command. For Christ's sake. Amen."
If we are honest about the whole thing, this is the only possible decision to make. As Paul puts it, this is "your reasonable service." (How unreasonable some of us are!) Having made that decision, having presented our bodies in one solemn act of dedication, we may arise and go forward with a prepared heart. We are then in a position of permanent availability, so that God can call on us at any time, and under any circumstances. When the opportunity arises for witness or service, the question of what we should do need never arise. We have made a complete, once-for-all presentation of ourselves, and we expect God to take us at our word.
--- John E. Hunter, Limiting God

For Now

Although it's most likely not the greatest thing you ever read, this sort of sums up me at the moment. Please forgive this clumsy attempt at the literary form of poetry; it is all I can manage at the moment.

Me and You

When life's so crazy it doesn't make sense
When my heart's so broken it can't be fixed
When my world is in shambles all around
When I've been knocked to the cold, hard ground
You're still there to pick me up
Hold my hand and help me stand
Your strong arms cradle and steady me
Your embrace, so sweet, warms and fills me.
When tears like drop start from my eyes
When one, then two, then thousands stream
When hurt engulfs and there's too many "why's"
When questions haunt and answers are a dream
You're still strong, your love so real
You breathe on me, "Peace, be still"
You're a healing salve, a soothing balm
You bring such relief, work such calm.
When my soul aches from its endless torture
When my tongue is mute, no words can form
When cries and groans are all I can utter
When I'm so weary, so weak, so worn
You're always there, my One and Only
The I Am that I Am - everything I need.
You're my Refuge, my Fortress, my All in All;
You make me whole, help me continue to be.

Words

Though these words are not my own they are very much a comfort to me at this moment.

You say you lost your hope; What's the point in going on and on?
At the end of your rope, You just want to let go and fall,
'Cause this complicated life Gets too hard to understand;
The pain is like a knife, Destroying all your plans;
And you're spinning into nowhere, And losing all control,
'Cause there's just too many scars On your body and your soul.

But in the middle of it all, In the middle of the darkest night
Lift your head and tell your heart To walk by faith and not by sight.
In the middle of it all
There's a loving God Who's holding out His hand,
And if you reach for Him He'll catch you when you fall
In the middle of it all.

You say you're doing fine, And even though you always wear a smile
Deep inside your mind You haven't been at peace for quite a while.
When everybody leaves And you're left to face the fears
All those things that you believe Are no longer very clear.
And you're haunted by the failures And the insecurities
And the shadows fall so hard That it drives you to your knees

In the middle of the secret shame, in the shadow of the private pain,
All across your broken dreams, in the middle of it all

But in the middle of it all, In the middle of the darkest night
Lift your head and tell your heart To walk by faith and not by sight.
In the middle of it all
There's a loving God Who's holding out His hand,
And if you reach for Him He'll catch you when you fall
In the middle of it all.

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

No Words

Can't write today but I will post some music.

Love

What is love? How do you know you really love someone and it's not just a strong feeling or affection for them? When is it right and when is it wrong? These are all questions I have been asking myself. I think I love someone, but do I really? What motivates my love? Why do I love them? Do I love them for what I will get from them, what they can do for me; or do I love them and my focus is what I can do for them? Do I love them or do I love the idea of being with them? One of my quotes says that love is not about what you get but what you can give, and I know this to be true because when you really love someone the thrill and the enjoyment of that relationship comes from doing things for them and the pleasure it brings you. Sacrifices, big or small, are not something to run from, but rather bring you the most satisfaction. I guess that's why people say that true love is selfless and can have no hint of selfishness in it if it is really love. Is that what I am experiencing with this person I love? Am I willing to lay everything I want and all my desires down to benefit them? Am I willing to do whatever it takes to secure their best and help them in any way I can? If not, then it is not love. Perhaps it is just strong feelings or deeply caring for someone, but it is not love; it can't be according to the definition of love. That's why true love can last and endure through everything. I think what I have and feel is love, but is it?
"Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor will rivers overflow it;
If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love,
It would be utterly despised." Song of Solomon 8:7

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails;
But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
I Corinthians 13:4-8,13

A Little Note

Week has started CRAZY!!!!! But that's ok. I am spending a huge amount of time trying to figure out how to use the program I need for my research. I feel like a total moron, but, no worries, that will pass. Actually, I am really enjoying having something to do and being able to learn something new at the same time is really exciting. I finally feel like I have my life in order and I have a path I am following, a plan towards reaching my goal. There are a hundred opportunities on the horizon and it's nice that my only problem there is figuring out which one I want to take. I'm still looking for a job but the need doesn't seem to be as pressing now that I am throwing myself full force into my research. I have now figured out why I liked being in school so much: it wasn't the learning necessarily; it was not having to focus on personal problems and situations that arise when you have too much time on your hands. Really, school or learning is a nice distraction and I am finding that my brain feels so much better when it is actually working and facing challenges than when it is lying dormant waiting for some sort of stimulation from anywhere possible. So, I am super busy, as always, and I am very happy at the moment. Life is good, God is GREAT, and I am so glad I can experience Him everyday in so many ways in my life.
Oh, ya, and I updated my photo albums a bit. I promise to do more later. Enjoy!!!!!

This Weekend

WOW! God is so awesome! My weekend was incredible. All three days were pretty great, but Saturday night and Sunday morning were the best parts of it all. Saturday night I had a performance for which I had to drive out of town to go to. It was the first traveling I've had to do in a while, so that in and of itself was pretty nice. Once there, the event went really well. There were a lot of military personnel at this event including several generals and high profile officers. It was so much fun to talk to several active duty soldiers and then to meet the different generals. The most striking thing about every single one of them was their humility. Here were men who have a great deal of power and authority and yet they were very cognizant of those around them and did not exude an attitude of superiority but rather one of commonality. As I shook one man's hand, he told me what an honor it was to have me there that night and to hear me sing and all I could think was what and honor and a privilege it was to perform for him. The whole evening was just incredible. There were so many things that happened that I wouldn't be able to post them all here but it was truly one of the most memorable events of my life. Then, Sunday morning I had the most wonderful time in church. We were having communion so all the music we sang was on the subject of the death of Jesus and His sufferings. As I sang of what Jesus did for me and what it meant in my life I was overcome with a powerful sense of the love of God for me. It was so overwhelming to realize the length, depth, and height of that love, and even then I didn't know all there was to know about how much the Lord loves me. Because of His love for me my heart was filled with love for Him and the determination to serve Him, always watching and waiting at the foot of the cross to hear His next command, to receive His next direction. The whole service was great. The presence of God was so strong and the opportunity to be there and to remember what Jesus did for me and how it has and will affect my life was more than what my weary soul needed to find relief. When all was said and done this weekend I was left with a strong sense of gratitude for my Lord, hope that He is more than able to keep that which we have committed to His trust, love for Him and the call that He has placed on my life, and determination to serve Him, no matter what the cost, all the days of my life.

A Reading For Today

I've been studying a lot recently on what it means to totally follow Christ. I have been looking at discipleship and full commitment of my life to Him for whatever purpose He sees fit. I read this passage this morning and I found it interesting. I have been reminded often of the rich young ruler in the Scripture this posting is talking about. I'll post it and then I have a few comments.

THE "GO" OF UNCONDITIONAL IDENTIFICATION
"One thing thou lackest: . . come, take up the cross, and follow Me." Mark 10:21

The rich young ruler had the master passion to be perfect. When he saw Jesus Christ, he wanted to be like Him. Our Lord never puts personal holiness to the fore when He calls a disciple; He puts absolute annihilation of my right to myself and identification with Himself - a relationship with Himself in which there is no other relationship. Luke 14:26 has nothing to do with salvation or sanctification, but with unconditional identification with Jesus Christ. Very few of us know the absolute "go" of abandonment to Jesus.
"Then Jesus beholding him loved him." The look of Jesus will mean a heart broken for ever from allegiance to any other person or thing. Has Jesus ever looked at you? The look of Jesus transforms and transfixes. Where you are "soft" with God is where the Lord has looked at you. If you are hard and vindictive, insistent on your own way, certain that the other person is more likely to be in the wrong than you are, it is an indication that there are whole tracts of your nature that have never been transformed by His gaze.
"One thing thou lackest . . ." The only "good thing" from Jesus Christ's point of view is union with Himself and nothing in between.
"Sell whatsoever thou hast . ." I must reduce myself until I am a mere conscious man, I must fundamentally renounce possessions of all kinds, not to save my soul (only one thing saves a man - absolute reliance upon Jesus Christ) - but in order to follow Jesus. "Come, and follow Me." And the road is the way He went.

How many times in my life have I had that strong desire to follow Jesus, but when He tells me what is required I shrink back? There is definitely a counting of cost involved in following the Master. The Scripture talks about not starting something you can't finish, even in terms of service to Jesus. You must first look at what it really means to serve the Lord, to take up your cross and follow Him. This is, many times, the hardest part of Christian living. We want to do what is right, what is noble, but we also want our rights to ourselves. We want the blessings of following Him without paying price that is required. That, however, is not possible when you are following Jesus. Only absolute obedience to the direction of the Lord will be pleasing to Him, but He does not leave us destitute in this difficult decision. He promises that His grace is sufficient to carry us through the sacrifices we will make and the struggles we will face as we walk the road He leads us on. He promised that His yoke was easy and His burden light, and when you are totally focused on Him, full of love for Him, and letting Him carry you all the way, you will find that indeed His load for you is so much lighter than anything you will ever carry on your own.

Me. . .For Now

I had so many things I wanted to write floating through my head, and now that I am sitting at the computer I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. I could talk of my plans for the future and where I think I will be in a couple years, or about all the good things the Lord is doing in my life, or about all the funny things that have happened in my life over the past few days. There really has been so much going on. I didn't know for a couple of days there whether or not I was going to post because of all the things going on and how overwhelming things seemed to be. I wanted to just post music, but that didn't work. I either couldn't find the songs I wanted or I couldn't find songs that said what I wanted them to say. I have had several really good days and several really bad days. I don't want to say my life is terrible; that just isn't true; but this is one of the hardest times of my life. I am finding that it is a chore to get out of bed every morning and make myself face another day. It takes me about two hours to compose myself enough to handle whatever comes my way. I'm not totally out of sorts, just exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. I won't say spiritually because I don't think that's true. My relationship with the Lord has never been so good as it is right now. I am closer to Him than I have ever been and He is more real, more precious than He has ever been. I'm in sort of a strange state of mind. I am not sad, yet there is a side of me that is grieving. I can still laugh and do so rather frequently, yet crying is a daily occurrence. I am at peace, yet frustrations are still present. There is so much around me that encourages me to give up on everything, yet my faith is still resolute, although it seems to be with a strength not my own. I feel like I have been thrown into some sort of fire that I have to live through for the next little while; as though I am being tested in some way or another. I am not afraid of failing the test so long as I keep my eyes fixed on the Author and Perfecter of our faith; but I am afraid that my eyes will drift and my focus will shift to something that is less sure, less steady, and less able to help me endure. I feel as though I am fighting a battle every day and some days there are victories and some days I have to retreat, but every day I must fight, no matter what the outcome, and with each day I feel my Saviour helping me grow stronger, helping me be victorious. Every day I learn more and more to lean on Him and let Him fight for me when I cannot fight and help me fight when I have the strength to do so. As each struggle comes and goes and He molds me into what He wants me to be I find that I trust Him more and more and rely on Him to perform His perfect work in me as I sit back patiently and watch Him make something wonderful of my life.
These words to an old song keep rolling around in my head and I find that they make a very appropriate prayer for me right now:
I am weak but Thou art strong.
Jesus keep me from all wrong.
I'll be satisfied as long
As I walk, let me walk close to Thee

Just a closer walk with Thee.
Grant it Jesus; it's my plea.
Daily walking close to Thee.
How I pray, Oh Lord, I'll walk with Thee.

Through this world of toils and snares
If I falter, Lord, who cares?
Who will all my burdens share?
None but Thee, Oh Lord, none but Thee.

Just a closer walk with Thee.
Grant it Jesus; it's my plea.
Daily walking close to Thee.
How I pray, Oh Lord, I'll walk with Thee.

The Decision

I stood outside his building wondering what to do. He was inside and with him were all my dreams, my hopes, my heart. Outside was a future without him and a dedication to something I knew was far greater than the desire that held me rooted to the sidewalk. I wanted to rush in and find him, to tell him how much I loved him, to tell him I would do anything to be with him, but I could not. My entrance into that building would be a forsaking of the single most precious thing in my life - my Jesus. He was leading me away from that building, away from my attraction. He had placed the cross in front of me and now I had to choose what I would do. Would I pick up that cross and follow Him, to the ends of the earth if necessary, or would I lay it down and follow my own desires? My mind was numb from the struggle that had been raging inside me and my heart could feel no more from sheer exhaustion. I stood looking into the windows of the building wondering where the one I sought was. He seemed like the answer to so many of the questions of my life, the filling of the void I had. But, then, my thoughts turned to my Saviour. He had done so many wonderful things for me. He had healed me body, soul and spirit, He had loved me unconditionally, He had saved me from myself and the horrible disparity that my life was, He had filled me with His precious Holy Spirit and that Spirit had been such a friend and comforter. He was always faithful, always took me back when I strayed, was always merciful, His grace was ever new, and His power was a wonder to behold. He had been the only true source of love and life in my existence. I knew what my decision would be. Slowly, I turned and started to walk away from the building. The pain washed over me like dark, cold ocean waves. The tears welled up in my eyes - an outward display of my inner torment. Each step forward took me further from the building. Further from the one I had said I loved. But, it drew me closer to my Lord. As I walked I felt the arms of my Savior wrapped tightly around me. I was safe; I was fulfilled; I was loved. "Oh, Jesus," I breathed, "You are so precious to me. I will always choose You over every other thing in this world. Please help me to love You and always choose You. There is nothing in this world that compares to You and the love that You give me." The more I walked the more the presence of God became real. I was suddenly flooded with a sense of deep gratitude for my Lord and everything He had done for me. My steps became lighter and my heart could feel again. The joy of the Lord tugged at the corners of my mouth, the peace of God filled my spirit, and the praises of my Saviour filled my mouth and poured out on my tongue. The precious blood of Jesus had been spilt to redeem me; how could I walk away from a love like that? There was nothing comparable to it, nothing worth giving it up for and I was going to cling to it with everything in me.

Something Good

I read this today and it was so good. I love when I read something and the Lord uses it to speak to me. I hope it will do the same thing for you.

THE "GO" OF PREPARATION
"Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there thou rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift." Matthew 5:23, 2
It is easy to imagine that we will get to a place where we are complete and ready, but preparation is not suddenly accomplished, it is a process steadily maintained. It is dangerous to get into a settled state of experience. It is preparation and preparation.
The sense of sacrifice appeals readily to a young Christian. Humanly speaking, the one thing that attracts to Jesus Christ is our sense of the heroic, and the scrutiny of Our Lord's words suddenly brings this tide of enthusiasm to the test. "First be reconciled to thy brother." The "go" of preparation is to let the word of God scrutinize. The sense of heroic sacrifice is not good enough. The thing the Holy Spirit is detecting in you is the disposition that will never work in His service. No one but God can detect that disposition in you. Have you anything to hide from God? If you have, then let God search you with His light. If there is sin, confess it, not admit it. Are you willing to obey your Lord and Master whatever the humiliation to your right to yourself may be?
Never discard a conviction. If it is important enough for the Spirit of God to have brought it to your mind, it is that thing He is detecting. You were looking for a great thing to give up. God is telling you of some tiny thing; but at the back of it there lies the central citadel of obstinacy: I will not give up my right to myself - the thing God intends you to give up if ever you are going to be a disciple of Jesus Christ.

THE "GO" OF RELATIONSHIP
"And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain." Matthew 5:41
The summing up of Our Lord's teaching is that the relationship which He demands is an impossible one unless He has done a supernatural work in us. Jesus Christ demands that there be not the slightest trace of resentment even suppressed in the heart of a disciple when he meets with tyranny and injustice. No enthusiasm will ever stand the strain that Jesus Christ will put upon His worker, only one thing will, and that is a personal relationship to Himself which has gone through the mill of His spring-cleaning until there is only one purpose left - I am here for God to send me where He will. Every other thing may get fogged, but this relationship to Jesus Christ must never be.
The Sermon on the Mount is not an ideal, it is a statement of what will happen in me when Jesus Christ has altered my disposition and put in a disposition like His own. Jesus Christ is the only One Who can fulfil the Sermon on the Mount.
If we are to be disciples of Jesus, we must be made disciples supernaturally; as long as we have the dead set purpose of being disciples we may be sure we are not. "I have chosen you." That is the way the grace of God begins. It is a constraint we cannot get away from; we can disobey it, but we cannot generate it. The drawing is done by the supernatural grace of God, and we never can trace where His work begins. Our Lord's making of a disciple is supernatural. He does not build on any natural capacity at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are easy to us naturally; He only asks us to do the things we are perfectly fitted to do by His grace, and the cross will come along that line always.
----- Oswald Chambers --------