I had so many things I wanted to write floating through my head, and now that I am sitting at the computer I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. I could talk of my plans for the future and where I think I will be in a couple years, or about all the good things the Lord is doing in my life, or about all the funny things that have happened in my life over the past few days. There really has been so much going on. I didn't know for a couple of days there whether or not I was going to post because of all the things going on and how overwhelming things seemed to be. I wanted to just post music, but that didn't work. I either couldn't find the songs I wanted or I couldn't find songs that said what I wanted them to say. I have had several really good days and several really bad days. I don't want to say my life is terrible; that just isn't true; but this is one of the hardest times of my life. I am finding that it is a chore to get out of bed every morning and make myself face another day. It takes me about two hours to compose myself enough to handle whatever comes my way. I'm not totally out of sorts, just exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. I won't say spiritually because I don't think that's true. My relationship with the Lord has never been so good as it is right now. I am closer to Him than I have ever been and He is more real, more precious than He has ever been. I'm in sort of a strange state of mind. I am not sad, yet there is a side of me that is grieving. I can still laugh and do so rather frequently, yet crying is a daily occurrence. I am at peace, yet frustrations are still present. There is so much around me that encourages me to give up on everything, yet my faith is still resolute, although it seems to be with a strength not my own. I feel like I have been thrown into some sort of fire that I have to live through for the next little while; as though I am being tested in some way or another. I am not afraid of failing the test so long as I keep my eyes fixed on the Author and Perfecter of our faith; but I am afraid that my eyes will drift and my focus will shift to something that is less sure, less steady, and less able to help me endure. I feel as though I am fighting a battle every day and some days there are victories and some days I have to retreat, but every day I must fight, no matter what the outcome, and with each day I feel my Saviour helping me grow stronger, helping me be victorious. Every day I learn more and more to lean on Him and let Him fight for me when I cannot fight and help me fight when I have the strength to do so. As each struggle comes and goes and He molds me into what He wants me to be I find that I trust Him more and more and rely on Him to perform His perfect work in me as I sit back patiently and watch Him make something wonderful of my life.
These words to an old song keep rolling around in my head and I find that they make a very appropriate prayer for me right now:
I am weak but Thou art strong.
Jesus keep me from all wrong.
I'll be satisfied as long
As I walk, let me walk close to Thee
Just a closer walk with Thee.
Grant it Jesus; it's my plea.
Daily walking close to Thee.
How I pray, Oh Lord, I'll walk with Thee.
Through this world of toils and snares
If I falter, Lord, who cares?
Who will all my burdens share?
None but Thee, Oh Lord, none but Thee.
Just a closer walk with Thee.
Grant it Jesus; it's my plea.
Daily walking close to Thee.
How I pray, Oh Lord, I'll walk with Thee.
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