My Nephew

Have you ever lost someone you love? Perhaps not, but believe me it is one of the toughest things anyone ever has to face. The desire to see that person, the loneliness, the frustration at their not being a part of your life any longer. When that person is still living, but you are not able to be around them or have contact with them, it seems the pain is even more excruciating. The fear that they will forget you, never know how much you love them, or worse not return your affection are things that seem almost impossible to bear. I love my nephew more than probably anyone in this whole world. I owe him a great debt as he is the one that taught me to love and love unconditionally. Seeing him was always the highlight of my day. Having him wrap his little arms around me, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me he loved me was the best feeling in the whole world. There is no way to properly describe it. I cannot think of the right words to relate to you what our relationship was like, but it was definitely something special. His autism and disabilities made him even more special. He was always such a joy to be around. His ability to make me laugh and smile was second to none. He is such a sweetheart. He always knew when I was upset and would look at me with his big brown eyes and ask, "What's wrong?" Then he would stroke my arm and give me a hug, never leaving my side until he felt confident that I was alright. He is such an imp. His antics would always make me smile or have me in stitches depending on how ridiculous they were. There are so many things about him to love and cherish and I absolutely loved every moment of his company. Now, I can't be around him. I never see him and he is no longer a part of my life, but oh, how I wish he was. I miss him so much! I have not found anything that fills the void that his absence has left. I wonder if I will ever fully recover from his not being there but in some ways that is bittersweet. I don't know that I want another to take his place. I have learned how to deal with his absence and perhaps that is enough. Still, I can't help from tearing up whenever he is mentioned or feeling that deep sorrow of missing those you love whenever I am reminded of him. He is truly a gift and I will never forget him. At this point I can only hope that some day I will be able to again be a part of his life and he a part of mine. It would truly be a blessed day for me. Wherever you, my precious little man, I hope you will always know how much I love you and wish for you the best life in this world. You are so special and I hope you know how much I wish I was with you. I love you.

Some Thoughts

I've been having a rough past few days. Sickness, pain, frustration, stress, and worry have all been handed to me in one huge dose of life. Needless to say, it has left me a bit drained. Ironically, the urge to fight it all has been stronger the worse it gets. I hate feeling down-trodden and defeated. I hate when things look hopeless or problems seems insurmountable. However, I haven't had the strength to fight the feelings of depression and the desire to give up. I've put on a pretty good face to those around me, but inside I've been really struggling. Then I remembered that there still is hope, that there is nothing given me that I cannot handle and that I cannot conquer. I momentarily forgot what a good and loving Heavenly Father I have and what a comfort and friend my Jesus is to me, but He has gone out of His way to remind me and I am so thankful that He has. Sunday morning I managed to get up and get dressed and drive myself to church. Quite the feat seeing as I had been in my house for the past three days, leaving only twice for small intervals. As I drove to church I was reflecting on my current situation and all the seemingly endless problems I was facing. But then, something on the inside nudged me. "Haven't I always been good to you? Haven't I always taken care of you? Don't you know I love you and I will never let you fall beyond my grasp? Haven't you yet realized that I will never leave you alone, never leave you stranded, never forsake you?" I seemed to hear my Savior whisper in my ear. I was drawn to remember all the good things the Lord has done for me in my life and I was reminded of the times when I did truly realize how amazing and endless His love for me was. I can't tell you what a good thing that was for me. It lifted my spirits and gave me a renewed sense of hope. There was still despair in my heart, but light was shining through it. When I got to church I kept feeling an urge to look up the psalm for the day. It was the 27th so I looked up the 27th Psalm and I was so glad I did.
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
"Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."
Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the LORD will take me up.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.

I know I have posted that passage before, but it means so much to me and I felt like it was such a precious gift from the Lord on Sunday morning. To be reminded that He is my light and my salvation and He is my hope was so reassuring.
This morning I got in my car to go to work and as I turned on the ignition the radio came on. A song was just starting and it happens to be a favorite of mine. It was a nice reminder as well that God is really looking out for me and He has given me some wonderful people in my life that love me and are praying for me. The song washed over me like a soothing balm. I couldn't help it; I had to pause and just take it all in. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and start to spill onto my cheeks. It was as though someone was offering water to a parched, weary soul, and I was going to just sit there for a moment and drink. Oh, the comfort that I found in the words of that song! Thank you, Lord, for reminding me that I am not fighting this fight alone and You are bringing me through.
Wish I had a recording I could post here, but here are the lyrics to the song:
SOMEBODY'S PRAYING ME THROUGH
By Darrell Brown & Ty Lacy

Pressing over me like a big blue sky
I know someone has me on their heart tonight
That's why I know
It's gonna be alright
'Cause somebody's praying me through
Somebody's praying me through
It may be my mother
It might be my dad
Or an old friend I forgot I had
But whoever it is
I'm so glad that
Somebody's praying me through yeah
Somebody's praying me through

Through the tears through the rain
Through the sorrow through the pain
It keeps bringing me through
Over and over again
So when you're drowning in the sea of hurt
And it feels like life couldn't be any worse
There's a blessing waiting to push back the curse
'Cause somebody's praying you through yeah
Somebody's praying you through
Somebody's praying you through

The Wilderness

Sometimes you go through a wilderness in life. When you first enter it you are not immediately aware that you are about to walk into a wilderness. You are just plodding along on your journey of life and when you suddenly become aware of your surroundings you realize that you are indeed in a wilderness. As you continue on in your journey you find that you have all that symptoms that accompany wilderness travel. You are thirsty and dehydrated, you are weary by your travels, and your desire to give up and not go one step further is at its highest point. I have been in a wilderness - physically, spiritually, mentally. This wilderness has been one that has lasted longer than any other I have experienced in my life. When I entered this wilderness I knew what I was doing, but I had no idea what I was about to experience. Fortunately, I had just gone through some things that helped prepare me for my wilderness journey. Yet, nothing could really have prepared me fully for what I was about to experience. The last few months have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. Truly, I have been in a wilderness. I have left everything I ever knew as "life" and started out on an exploration of what really living is. Of course there has been the good and the bad; I have met several amazing people and been reacquainted with old friends, and I have had to see the harsh unpleasant side of many a loved one. Sounds similar to life in general for most people. So, why am I saying it is a wilderness? Because for the past three months I have felt so lonely, so spiritually cut-off from my life-source, so afraid that every step I'm taking is the wrong step, and so much like an alien traveler in a far away universe. Perhaps that is silly to most of you, but, believe me, it is the only way to sum up what I have been going through. The hardest part has been the feeling that perhaps the Lord has abandoned me in the time of trial. There have been so many nights when I did not feel His presence, so many days when I wondered if He was anywhere in the vicinity. Where was He? Did He see what I was going through? Did He care that I was hurting and in desperate need of attention? Couldn't He feel what I felt and know how to help me? He had always been there before. He had never failed me yet, surely He would not start now. Still, I felt as though He had. I could not utter those thoughts or bring myself to say that it had happened, but it is how I felt. I kept trudging along, trying to take steps that would lead me out of this wilderness. There were days when I would faint from exhaustion and wake up to find myself in a place completely different from where I had fallen. How did that happen? How did I get where I am? Then, somehow, through the haze of heat-exhaustion and the bitterness of the wilderness I felt the Lord's presence. Yes, He was there, holding me up, stabilizing my weakened form. He was offering me cool water, pouring healing balm on my numerous wounds. Oh, how could I have doubted Him? He had always been there. He hadn't left me. Lying in the cool of the shade He provided, drinking of the living water He offered, I could see things more clearly now. It had been those darkest moments, those loneliest of nights when He was closest to me, holding me to Himself, keeping me safe. Yes, I could see now how He had brought certain people on my path, made so many provisions for me when there were none to be had. He had showered blessings down on me in the moments when I needed them most. He had cared for me and loved me when no one else could have done so. How silly of me to think that just because I couldn't see or feel Him that He had gone back on His promise to never leave me or forsake me. I know it is hard to trust as human beings, and that we erringly assume that He would be just like us; but He isn't. He is not even capable of being that way. He could never break His promise. To do so would be to go against His very nature and Who He is. He really is the Savior Who loves me enough to save me and keep on saving me.
I am still in the wilderness. I do not know how long it will last, but I do know that I have a different picture now of how I will get through it. I know that I am not alone; Jesus is always beside me. I know that there is nothing I can not handle with His help and that He is all the strength, courage, and sustenance I will ever need. There may be more dark, lonely nights ahead, but I have peace and an assurance that He is with me and will help me get through this wilderness and lead me on as I make this journey called life. He is my Good Shepherd and I will follow Him always because I know He will always take care of me.
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside the still waters,
He restores my soul.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for Thou are with me.
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
My cup runneth over.
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23

Favorite Movies

I have seen a lot of movies in the past few months and quite honestly I have refrained from posting anything here about them because I haven't had the time I wanted to actually comment on them. Now I do, so, I will. What follows is a synopsis of several movies categorized by, what else, title. Enjoy!
No Country For Old Men:
I loved this movie for several reasons. First, it was sheer art. The movie was so well done that you really felt like you were watching an actual piece of film art rather than just another sad attempt at filling 2 plus hours of your time. The acting was great, the story was great, and the irony and twists were enough to keep you thinking throughout the whole movie. What I especially liked about this movie is that it wasn't a no-brainer and it left you thinking well after you had left the theater and driven home for the night. It really made you wonder and keep thinking over the events of the movie. I love movies like that. They actually engage your thoughts and keep you interested. This was probably one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.
The Golden Compass:
I wasn't thrilled with this movie. It was interesting. Actually, a month after I have seen it I am still not sure as to how I exactly feel about it. It was much more of a children's movie than any of it's predecessors such as the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. It was interesting but it lost my attention several times. I must say that the fight scene between the two polar bears was pretty cool. I could have done without the knocked-off bear jaw, but, hey, it was definitely attention grabbing. Also, the story was a bit strange and I found the mixture of cultural and historical mixes to be rather confusing. I felt like maybe the writer was confused as to which time period and place he really wanted to tell the story in, so, he just mixed it all up. An alright movie, I guess.
The Bourne Identity Trilogy:
Ok, I didn't watch all these movie because I couldn't. I saw one and that was enough. Robert Ludlum's book title was hijacked and turned into a mere action series with very little resemblance to anything he wrote. I was sorely disappointed. I didn't understand why they just didn't tell the story they wanted to tell by creating another character. Certainly all they did here was take the names and underlying premise of the Ludlum books and use them to tell a different, somewhat similar story. Why call it The Bourne Identity? The movie was good and the acting was alright, but it didn't come close to the genius of the books. The intrigue, the action, the suspense that Ludlum accomplished in his books was nowhere to be seen in this movie. If you don't know anything about the books and are looking for a pretty mindless action movie, then this series is a sure win for you. If you are looking for a film portrayal of Ludlum's work, don't even attempt to watch these movies.
Alvin and the Chipmunks:
Both a good movie and a bit of a disappointment. The movie was a good children's movie and made the heart-warming points you would expect it to make, but it wasn't the same-old Alvin and the Chipmunks. Theodore was the only one that really resembled the old characters in appearance, but I will say that the personalities were pretty close. I did notice, and miss, the presence of the chipmunk's girl counterparts. Also, I missed the harmonies that made the Chipmunks so great. They were there in a few things, but the music was so hyped that really all you heard was noise that resembled the commonplace offerings of today's "music" world. I found it ironic because the whole point of the movie was that they didn't want to be a part of this crazy pop music scene, yet they offered no real alternative to that in the movie. Perhaps I am over analyzing a simple movie, but those are my thoughts. It was good for a few laughs and there were parts that were very entertaining. At best I can give kudos for a good attempt, but it didn't quite make it.
National Treasure - Book of Secrets:
I loved this movie! I would watch it again with no problem, and, if you know me, that is really saying something. This sequel was definitely a good one. I didn't think it was better or worse than the first one. It was a nice compliment to its predecessor. It was really fun to watch and the history side of it was fascinating. It made you want to go do your own research to see what in the movie was accurate and what was not. That, in my opinion, is one of the best possible effects a movie can have on you. Awesome movie! No need to say more.
Dan in Real Life:
This was a cute movie that was ridiculously funny the first time but wasn't worth watching a second time. It made some very good points and had some very witty humor in it, but it was no masterpiece.
Spirited Away:
I am relatively new to the world of Anime but this movie was great! It became a favorite of mine. It was easy to watch and was so enjoyable. The soundtrack for the movie was unbelievable and the drawings were amazing. It was really a cartoon that was a piece of art. Definitely something I would watch again.
Pan's Labrynth:
This movie was another piece of film art. It was done in Spanish which made everything about it authentic as well as making the viewing of it a different experience. It was a beautiful movie. I haven't seen something that moved me the way this one did in a while. The telling of the story, the characters, the effects - everything was done so artfully and so incredibly. The contrasts were so strong and the climax was one that I have seen few movies accomplish. It was amazing to watch. A classic.
The Nanny Diaries:
This was a silly movie, but pretty well done. It wasn't your typical mindless chick flick, which is always a plus for me. There was actually some intelligent humor in it (Egad!) and the characters were people you could actually relate to. It was funny watching it because I went into it thinking it would just be a silly comedy and wound up finding it was a drama that I could actually relate to. I was watching on the screen what had actually happened to a friend of mine and I couldn't believe how real the story became. Yes, there were multiple funny things in the movie and some great humor lines, but there was also a very serious side to things that I found myself being drawn in by. It was a good movie over all, but that said, I wouldn't recommend it to any guys.
3:10 to Yuma
So, having watched the old movie countless times, I was pretty familiar with the story on this one. Except, wait, it wasn't the same story. Go figure! Oh well. Hollywood strikes again. A remake is no such thing, but rather, a new movie with the same title. However, I will say that this movie was a good movie. Christian Bale is just great to watch, pretty much no matter what, and the story was a good story. It wasn't a great movie but it was one of the better ones I have seen recently and certainly beat out much of the garbage that they are coming out with these days. The movie has really good acting and told a good story, so I was ok with it.
I saw other movies as well, but these were some of the most recent ones I watched. I would have to say that of the twenty plus movies I have seen in the past two months one third were amazing, one third were alright, and one third were worthless. Not too bad of a break down I suppose.

My New Year's

Well, it's taken me longer than anticipated to get back to this blog. Recovering from my viral infection has taken longer than I wanted, but that's the breaks, as my aunt always said. My 2007 closed with moments with my friends, several hours with my dad, and a two hour conversation with my best friend. The week between Christmas and New Year's was a very lonely one for me. Most of my friends were out of town and I wasn't feeling very well. But, on New Year's Eve some of my friends came to see me and it was good to finally have someone to be with again. We didn't do anything especially different; just ate, talk, and played pool, which, amazingly enough I managed to win at a couple of times, and not by default. That night my dad and I went to a double feature movie. We say Alvin and the Chipmunks and the new National Treasure (must say that was an awesome movie). It was fun to just relax and be with my dad. I think he knew what a hard time I was having and he was trying to ease the pain for me. I love that he can read me like that and that he does what he can to help me out. Anyway, I welcomed the new year by driving home with him. Then, just after midnight, my friend called. I hadn't seen him in almost two weeks and I was really missing him. Aside from the fact that I think he's the most wonderful guy in the world and I love him so much (I know, it sounds corny and mushy, but hey!), he is the one person I feel like I can tell anything to, talk to about anything, be myself without worrying what he will think, and I just really enjoy being with him. So, we talked forever and it was one of those memorable moments in life. At that moment I wouldn't have preferred to be any other place in the world but right where I was at.
The next day I actually had the chance to see the rest of my family for a short bit and that was good. My little sis is growing up so much and I am so proud of her and everything she is becoming. Listening to her tell me about her classes and her work with her professors was absolutely thrilling. I haven't spent too much time with her recently and it was so great to see her. After that I just relaxed for the rest of the day and the next day I worked the late shift so I was able to sleep in the next morning - always a great thing! So, 2008 started quietly but in a good way. I am excited about the coming year and everything that it will bring for me. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish and for the first time in my life I actually have a real hope that I will be successful in my endeavors. There will be much to write about in the coming year so I'm sure those of you who read this will have plenty to keep you happy. I promise to keep you at least slightly entertained and you may even be surprised every now and then when you are truly enthralled with the goings on of my world, if I'm lucky enough to work my writing magic just the right way. Oh, btw, my blog is 1 year and 1 month old and I have posted over 200 times! Amazing! You all have my friends and co-workers to thank for my whimsical ramblings that have filled your time these past months. Thank you for reading!

A Sum Up

Hello everyone and Happy New Year! I know it's been multiple days since I last posted but I honestly have a very good reason for it. I've been sick, really sick. The kind of sick where you can't really get out of bed or function much less think well enough to put two sentences together that make sense. So, I have stayed away from the computer for the most part. I know I missed the start of the new year as well as mentioning that I have been blogging now for a year, but it couldn't be helped. Today was my first full day back at work in about a week and last week when I was there I wasn't feeling very well. So, I promise you will be hearing more from me but it will be slow for the next few weeks as I am recovering. I hope you all had a safe and wonderful time welcoming the new year. My New Year's Eve was pretty special, but I will post about that next time because it will fill a whole post all by itsself. Overall, my attitude is that the past year was incredible, amazing, crazy beyond belief, one of the single most life-changing years of my life but I learned so much about life, about my dreams, about love, and about the character and wonderful atributes of God. I grew in my relationship with the Lord like I never had before and I entered realms of living that I had only dreamed of. Jesus is still the most amazing Person I know, the greatest inspiration for my life, my first-love, and a Savior I cannot sum up in words. I hope the coming year continues to be a reminder of His love and grace and is full of more awesome adventures with Him.