The Wilderness

Sometimes you go through a wilderness in life. When you first enter it you are not immediately aware that you are about to walk into a wilderness. You are just plodding along on your journey of life and when you suddenly become aware of your surroundings you realize that you are indeed in a wilderness. As you continue on in your journey you find that you have all that symptoms that accompany wilderness travel. You are thirsty and dehydrated, you are weary by your travels, and your desire to give up and not go one step further is at its highest point. I have been in a wilderness - physically, spiritually, mentally. This wilderness has been one that has lasted longer than any other I have experienced in my life. When I entered this wilderness I knew what I was doing, but I had no idea what I was about to experience. Fortunately, I had just gone through some things that helped prepare me for my wilderness journey. Yet, nothing could really have prepared me fully for what I was about to experience. The last few months have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. Truly, I have been in a wilderness. I have left everything I ever knew as "life" and started out on an exploration of what really living is. Of course there has been the good and the bad; I have met several amazing people and been reacquainted with old friends, and I have had to see the harsh unpleasant side of many a loved one. Sounds similar to life in general for most people. So, why am I saying it is a wilderness? Because for the past three months I have felt so lonely, so spiritually cut-off from my life-source, so afraid that every step I'm taking is the wrong step, and so much like an alien traveler in a far away universe. Perhaps that is silly to most of you, but, believe me, it is the only way to sum up what I have been going through. The hardest part has been the feeling that perhaps the Lord has abandoned me in the time of trial. There have been so many nights when I did not feel His presence, so many days when I wondered if He was anywhere in the vicinity. Where was He? Did He see what I was going through? Did He care that I was hurting and in desperate need of attention? Couldn't He feel what I felt and know how to help me? He had always been there before. He had never failed me yet, surely He would not start now. Still, I felt as though He had. I could not utter those thoughts or bring myself to say that it had happened, but it is how I felt. I kept trudging along, trying to take steps that would lead me out of this wilderness. There were days when I would faint from exhaustion and wake up to find myself in a place completely different from where I had fallen. How did that happen? How did I get where I am? Then, somehow, through the haze of heat-exhaustion and the bitterness of the wilderness I felt the Lord's presence. Yes, He was there, holding me up, stabilizing my weakened form. He was offering me cool water, pouring healing balm on my numerous wounds. Oh, how could I have doubted Him? He had always been there. He hadn't left me. Lying in the cool of the shade He provided, drinking of the living water He offered, I could see things more clearly now. It had been those darkest moments, those loneliest of nights when He was closest to me, holding me to Himself, keeping me safe. Yes, I could see now how He had brought certain people on my path, made so many provisions for me when there were none to be had. He had showered blessings down on me in the moments when I needed them most. He had cared for me and loved me when no one else could have done so. How silly of me to think that just because I couldn't see or feel Him that He had gone back on His promise to never leave me or forsake me. I know it is hard to trust as human beings, and that we erringly assume that He would be just like us; but He isn't. He is not even capable of being that way. He could never break His promise. To do so would be to go against His very nature and Who He is. He really is the Savior Who loves me enough to save me and keep on saving me.
I am still in the wilderness. I do not know how long it will last, but I do know that I have a different picture now of how I will get through it. I know that I am not alone; Jesus is always beside me. I know that there is nothing I can not handle with His help and that He is all the strength, courage, and sustenance I will ever need. There may be more dark, lonely nights ahead, but I have peace and an assurance that He is with me and will help me get through this wilderness and lead me on as I make this journey called life. He is my Good Shepherd and I will follow Him always because I know He will always take care of me.
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside the still waters,
He restores my soul.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for Thou are with me.
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
My cup runneth over.
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23